Need these shades to cut down on the beam glowing from your thread...LOL.....
You are soooo right, Merrick........you've come a long way, we all have! I know that none of us ever expected this in our wildest dreams, but I for one can say that the changes in myself are positive and have been a "good" thing in this horrible nightmare. Let's hope that we can share the news to the newcomers (as you have already been doing) just like some of the veterans did before us.
Keep that glow going. And I am very interested on the impact of this and your RCIA. I'm sure it's part of the plan that God has for you and how you will come through in the end - more spiritually renewed! God bless you!! Tootles...............
I haven't posted in a while. Right now, I'm somewhat tired of the fishbowl and don't really have much to say. But today is the one year anniversary of my W dropping the D bomb, so I feel compelled to write.
The last ten days have been tough in that I've been a bit more assertive on things at home and where we are headed--especially when it comes to my involvement with the kids and their activities. W is resentful of htis and characterizes it as my disapproval of how she handled things in the past.
I've also tried to establish a more defined family budget--because our spending (especially on attorneys) and lack of savings for the kids' college is beginning to bother me. I've let this go for a year, but think it's time to begin thinking seriously about the implicaitons of what we are doing.
Not surprisingly, W senses this as a form of control and is resistant and won't ven agree to our family budget without first running past her attorney. So I'm left in a lurch on taking my own actions on budgeting (e.g., cutting credit cards or depositing my paycheck in my own account) without also being accused of economic abuse. . Meanwhile W continues extensive contact with OM--who now has widow GF with three kids that W sites as proof that there is not "there" there, although she previously told me that OM had no interest in women with kids and wanted to start his own family.
On the legal front, my attorney has been instructed that for the time being, any talk of an agreement that has me leaving the house alone is non-negotiable. I also told W unequivocally that she is free to go, but I will make every effort to stay with my kids and I'll hire an au pair or nanny if that'w what it takes for me to maintain custody.
On the plus side, W is in the Midwest for a couisn's wedding, so I have some peace at home. Also, my welcoming rites into the Catholic Church are this Sunday. The nun running our RCIA program was concerned about my entry into the Church and my M. She asked point blank if I got D and fell in love again--did I understand the implications. I said that I did and felt this was the strongest test of my faith and sincerity.
You may think I'm nuts, but I'm prepared to live a life alone in the name of being faithful to my beliefs and heart. I'm also prepared to defend myself in court if my W sues for D--even if I could get a better deal by suing myself. I'm going to do what is right and if it means a smaller TV, a smaller car, and working a few more years then I planned, so be it. I really can't worry about the transient joys of the secular world if it means being dishonest to myself.
If all this sounds down, please know that many good things are happening in my life. My R with my kids is as good as ever. They know things are not well between W and I, but they seem to remain secure that we are together and unaware that we could be apart. To me, that means I bought a year of keeping their world somewhat secure if not perfect. And the look I get from daughters as they go to sleep each night and tell me that they love me heartily feeds the soul--that is a certainly a gift from God.
I'll try to check some other threads, but for those who stopped by, thanks for thinking of me.
Merrick, you are amazing. I admire your stick-to-it-iveness (boy, I think I botched that spelling) when it comes to your faith, your values and your kids. They are so fortunate to have you, especially when so many fathers disconnect from their children in a crisis. You are showing them what a man is like, and it will guide them when it comes time to choose their own spouses.
My best wishes as you join your church tomorrow. I will say a little prayer for you. May it bring you unending joy.
Been lurking round your thread in the past couple of weeks, since you were kind enough to post on mine once (I think!).
Congratulations (if that's the right word) on completion of your RCIA journey. As a former lapsed Catholic, my re-discovery of my Catholic faith preceded my tribulations at the hands of WAW by a couple of years. I know I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without my faith, and particularly without the church's unbending support of family and the institution of marriage. And we're not even married in the church: W is Jewish. But every time I get ready to throw in the towel, the Holy Spirit sends me the fortitude and insight to keep fighting for what's right.
I know your faith is important to you, but isn't there a distinction between undaunted faith in God and rigid adherence to rules of a particular church? We are human, we make mistakes, we have mistakes made to and about us. To say now that you'll never be with another soul is denying you the love and happiness that is our right as human beings, as human beings that believe in a reason for existence. Why shouldn't you marry again? You are a wonderful soul, full of life and love, and why shouldn't you share that with someone should someone come along in the future? Because some church says it isn't right? Do you think Jesus would have made such rigid rules?
Just a thought, because it makes me really sad to hear you say that. I think there's someone out there (and maybe it's your W, after she exorcizes the alien within) worthy of you, worthy of a lifetime of love and honor.
My W left today and lives with the om. I am very sad. But I have to move on with my life.
My 2 kids are staying with me. It will be hard initially. But I will heal myself. I know what you are going through. But God has His plan for us. It is not what we wish sometimes. But maybe it is a better plan than what we wish for.
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. We could have a great theological and scientific discussion, although I suspect you might think I'm a kook.
This just scratches the surface, but one of the most powerful phrases in a Catholic mass is, "Let us proclaim the mystery of Faith." Basically, "faith" doesn't hold every answer we desire, but it is the path to eternal life. Moreover, if you are a true believer, you really can't pick and choose which beliefs you will accept and which ones you will not. Indeed, much if not all of life on earth is a test for eternal life and to live by the Truth which is manifest through Jesus's life and death.
This does not mean that we have to rigidly adhere to every technicality associated with God's law to show we are pious people. Indeed, Jesus disparaged religious leaders who were so focussed on legal technicalities at the expense of helping people forgive and love one another. At the same time, Jesus also spoke very clearly that marriage was made by God and man could not destroy it. Of course, I'm sure he would be greatly troubled by today's secular society's disposable treatment of the institution and would seek to heal the paths of those left behind.
But that is not for me to speculate. And if it be His will to see that I can have another R, then His will be done. But the process of surrendering your life to God means accepting the possibility that I will never have another physically intimate relationship again. Right now, while I'm still hoping to save my M, I'm also prepared for the other alternative.
I wish I could fully describe the feeling I had at my welcoming rites this Sunday as the sign of the Cross was spread across my body and heart. It was immersion of the Spirit and a feeling of peace and calm that I rarely experienced before in my life. It is that spirit that will enable me to do my best DBing and move on in my life, with or without my wife.
On the lighter or "ugh" side. I was talking with my kids about the rites and they started asking quesitons about sin and confession. I talked about sin being lying, cheating, killing, etc. S10 says "like cheating on your wife?" Rather than asking if he knew what that meant, I reflexively responded that "I would never do that"--to which D9 blurts out, "Yeah, but Mommy would!"
Congratulations Merrick!! You sound as though you have come to peace w/a lot of things. I am so happy that your faith has helped you through this. I have been w/you for a long time and continue to admire your patience and the wisdom that emulates from your thread. I also believe that God has plans for us and we just don't know them yet. May you continue to be blessed w/wisdom and insight and may God show you the best to come in the future......Tootles.........
While my initial reaction was to laugh at your D9's comment, I'm really and truly appalled. The fact is that if she sees this as a behavior that is something one could imagine about their mother (at such an early age), I'm profoundly sad.
All I can say is keep heading down your path to spiritual enlightenment. There are always answers when we ask the right questions.
I know, I know, I'm struggling with them too....
Hugs,
Betsey
p.s. Karen, where the heck have you been????? I'm posting in Hopefulness now. Wanna join me in my new neighborhood?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey