Had a really bad sinus headache most of yesterday. H was very sweet and massaged my neck, shoulders, and scalp for a loooong time. It wound up keeping him from the gym. I felt bad, but he said he just wanted to be near me.
H needed to feed the rats over at his mother's house, but didn't want to go in there. He said she's been asking for money, and he wouldn't have any to give her until after he worked this weekend. (He accidentally overdrew the other day...and then got zapped by the fees.) I offered to go in and feed the rats, since they won't gripe at me, if he would drive me over.
After I was done, H commented that he hated that as soon as he walked in the door, his mom and brother would gripe at him. He commented, "So this is what it's come to--I have to ditch my own family." Observation...again, H is definately avoiding confilct. I want to make sure that I don't jump on him as soon he gets home in the future...
I asked him later if he was going out. Not that I want him to go, but I don't want him to feel too cooped up. He said no--he just wanted to stay with me. (Not sure how much fun that was going to be--I was headed to bed!)
He told me he felt like he had seperation anxiety. (I almost wanted to laugh, not because it was funny, but because I knew exactly how he felt! I used to get that way when he was constantly taking off to hang around with his "friends.") I told him I understood, it was okay, and he would feel better with time. He thanked me for sticking by him this entire time--told me how incredibly lonely he had been without me, how much he hated it.
I layed down on the couch with him while he had a margarita and watched a movie. Later, he got me up to take me to put me in bed. He brought up an incident again where he felt I had humiliated him. (All I did was tell my supervisor at a previous job that I didn't want to talk to H. He then got security involved...and it was a whole big mess...they basically threw H out of the building.) I hate it when he brings this up. But I just listened, and validated. He calmed down pretty quick, added that he knew I had no idea things would get that out of hand. (Case in point on how validation works!)
Then he told me how sorry he was about everything that happened. Kept repeating he had never meant for things to get so out of hand. The best response I've found to this is "I know." Saying "it's okay" or "I forgive you" only seems to make him feel worse.
I gave him a big hug and kiss when I left for work this morning. He just smiled, told me to have a good day at work.
Nev- Hey, you! I was sorry to hear about Lady - losing a furry friend is never easy. I am glad to hear you are doing okay with it.
You're doing great being gentle with your H right now - he seems like he is in need of a lot of TLC. I think some people don't realize how, hmm, not delicate, but sensitive guys can be. My H is in kind of a delicate phase right now - with all the transitions from self-employment to full-time student, he seem s alittle off-balance, and is at home and wanting to snuggle a lot. It can be a little overwhelming, but only if I forget to take care of myself first. I, also, was a little taken aback when my H did suddenly move back in "for real." His space was such a big deal for so long that it was really surprising when he did an about face and wanted so much time at home and with me.
I am very contented with our sitch, but it is an adustment. As long as I remember that, I am just fine! You are doing great with the A-momento issue...I had a b-day card incident a couple of weeks ago (b-day from xow to H, really sappy) - those reminders REALLY hurt. Likea punch in the stomach. But the feeling does pass. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Yes, H is a very sensitive guy...I guess I had forgotten that over the last year. He has this tough-guy facade he puts up around everybody else, and even I got it for a very long time during the past year. He's quite good at it--it's so overcompensating he just comes across as an @$$hole--that even I forgot for awhile.
To be honest, I'm really the only one who can get beneath the layer...even his family thinks he is a jerk. I think it just shows his level of comfort with me.
Quote: You're doing great being gentle with your H right now
Thanks. It can be soooo stressfull--especially when I don't think he fully understands how much effort I'm putting in. (BIL2 accused me of being "too nice" last night. LOL!) But that's okay. I do know he appreciates me, and appreciates me staying around him. He knows he's difficult, but I don't think he knows how difficult.
Quote: ...he seems like he is in need of a lot of TLC.
He is. Actually, he always is. But that's okay--we match up nicely here with both of us enjoying touch as a primary LL. (We had a fun discussion on LL the other day...I'm going actually buy the book soon, and maybe we can both go through it.)
To be honest, we've always been very affectionate. That's why I was so confused when he started to pull back from me a year ago. I've learned to make sure I don't take my other frustrations out on him, because that's what makes him not want to be around me.
Quote: I am very contented with our sitch, but it is an adustment.
I think it's the same thing with me. He got a little uptight again last night, talking about moving his stuff out of his mom's. I kind of teased him with "Where are you going to live?" His response, "Where else?" I asked "Where is that?" Him: "With you....is that okay?" I told I was just playing (I really was) and of course he could stay with me. He pointed he practically had been living with me anyway.
He was a little uptight again, so I brought up those places you can rent for a week, and he felt better. (I think he needs to feel like he has a retreat more than he actually needs one...) Then we just talked about future dreams...the kind of house we want...how we're going to have the pool and the hot tub and all the fancy stuff...
When we're together, I feel great. Which is such a nice improvement. I think a little more about it when we're apart, but it's not that bad anymore. I'm definately through the angry phase (wooohoo!) phase with him. Still working my way through the sad phase. Although it's near the end. I feel calm more and more now. And we're really having fun together again...I'm looking forward to the three-day weekend, two nice full days to spend with H.
Well, I got a message from the doctor's office today. Said that my pap results had come back, and that the doctor wanted me to come in for a "quick 30 minute appointment" to talk about it. I called them back, but I can't get in until Tuesday afternoon.
The message freaked me out. I was shaking, and went into the bathroom at work to call H. As far as I know, a pap smear only checks for two things--STD's and cervical cancer.
Talked to H for 45 minutes. He did a little research on the internet. It's doubtful that I have an STD...and, even if I did, I've only been with him. He said he would "never forgive himself" if he gave something to me. (When I first started dating H, he told me only had a few partners. I recently found that he had, well, a lot more than that.) But neither of us has ever had any kind of symptoms...
Okay, I admit, I know nothing about cervical cancer. All I could think about is that I want to have a baby. H told me he didn't care if it turn out that I couldn't have kids--that he would always be with me. It was very sweet, I know he was trying to help me feel better.
H asked if he could call and ask BIL2 for advice. (He's in pre-med, and is a medic in the army.) I said it was fine, I just didn't want anyone else to know. (Especially not his mom!) I don't want anyone else to worry if there's nothing to worry about yet. And, honestly, being fussed over by family is just going to make me feel worse.
BIL2 told H that we're overreacting--that it probably just meant the pap had picked up "abnormal cells." Which could mean a lot of things. According to BIL2, the doctor could have just hit a cyst, or it could just mean that I have some type of infection. That there is inflammation or I could even have a yeast infection. (Very likely with me...I am prone to them...but it's never showed up on any of the others.)
H wanted me to come home, but I told him I really needed to do a few things at work. (And busy helps me feel better.) I just hate having to wait until Tuesday... I know I'm jumping to conclusions and ASSuming, but I just can't help it in this case.
Nevanna -- I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on tv..
Quote: BIL2 told H that we're overreacting--that it probably just meant the pap had picked up "abnormal cells." Which could mean a lot of things. According to BIL2, the doctor could have just hit a cyst, or it could just mean that I have some type of infection. That there is inflammation or I could even have a yeast infection. (Very likely with me...I am prone to them...but it's never showed up on any of the others.)
BIL2 is correct. An "abnormal cell" reading (and there are ranges for them) can be caused by lots of things -- including what he mentioned. Also, if you had one of the newer types of pap smears (I think it's called "thin Prep") it's much more sensitive and also more prone to false "positives" -- I just had to do a repeat pap a few months ago for that reason. Finally, if you were close to your period or if you and h had in the last 24 hours, those things can have an impact too.
Try not to worry but if you do, let h comfort you!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, we almost ML the night before...then I remembered... We did two days before, but I'm not sure that should have affected it. It was about a week before my period, so I don't think that's too close.
I'm feeling a bit calmer...I realize they can't tell me anything over the phone...I just hate this kind of stuff.
I am going to hop in here, too! I had an abnormal PAP a month ago, too, and I am having a repeat one next week. There are lots of reasons that can happen, but I totally understand the fear! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks Myrrh. I'm feeling better--still anxious, but better. H was pretty upset when I got home. I even came home early today. I gave him a big hug and held him for awhile. He's feeling better, now, but I think it really shook him up.
Thanks guys...I do feel better knowing I'm not the only one.
I can only guess it's because of my DBing, but I'm really not that uptight anymore. No reason to be upset until there's a real reason. Although H is still really upset--he didn't want to go to work tonight.
Anyway, couple of other things I found out about xrm. They're funny.
There was this one night while they were living together that he got really trashed. And xrm said something to the effect of "wouldn't it be nice if we hooked up?" Well, I found out more of the details. I guess she was sitting next to H, and trying to get closer, and had put her leg over his or something to that effect.
H retreated to his room, and passed out. (I'm guessing this was one of those nights he called me at 4am when he was trashed.) Told me that when he got up, he wasn't sure what had happened, if it was in his head because he was drunk, but he took off as soon as he could from the apartment.
(This was the night she would later allude to as the "magical night"--sure confused the hell out of H when she said that.)
Hehe, she got shot down... Okay, so we think one of her delusions may center around that evening...but it's still funny that she didn't get her way. (I told H earlier that was basically an invitation, and he agreed with me.)
I guess when he went to dinner with her this Monday, they were talking something about how even the married guys get hit on at the club. And xrm made some weird comment about "been there, won't do that again." He thinks maybe she was talking about him, but who knows.
We talked some about how obvious she was--even from the beginning. H said he did see it, but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because people always misinterpret him. (Very true. Happens, actually, quite a lot. Those are different stories...but pretty funny, too...) I said he gave her too much benefit, and he agreed...said he wouldn't give anybody else any benefit.
Not much going on tonight. I've got a touch of a cold, no money until the new salary kicks in, and I have to do something for work at home tonight. (At midnight, of all things.) Hope everyone has a good weekend.
So, H came in late from work this morning. No big deal. I asked if he had gone out to breakfast, and he said yes.
Later, after I got up, I went down to his car to get something. In the backseat, I saw a shopping bag. I grabbed it to see what was in it, and it was some new womens clothing. Not my size.
I was upset by it. But I didn't want to go jump down H's throat. So I went back upstairs, shook H gently, and asked him about the clothes. He got this really confused look on his face, said he thought they were mine. I said they weren't my size. He asked me again, then thought about it, and said they might have been [female coworker from new job], that he had given her a ride.
I was a little bothered, mostly because he hadn't told me he had given her a ride. (Of course, I was asleep when he had come in, so it's not like he'd had a chance to.) He could tell I was upset, and said "It's not what you think. It can't be--they're new clothes."
It took me a second to realize H thought that I thought they were forgotten from some tryst. I told him no, I though maybe he was getting really friendly with someone again, and it worried me. He said no, and asked me again if they were mine.
He told me that he and FCW had gone out to breakfast after work. That he had asked other people, but she was the only one who wanted to go. Then afterwards she was going to call a cab, so he offered to give her a ride home. So the bag was most likely hers.
I validated. Told him of course he was hungry after work, that's normal. I also told him that yes, I was weird that he had given her a ride home. But that I also knew that I was just being insecure and overly sensitive, that I had no reason to get upset yet. He said he knew that I didn't want him hanging out with people outside of work, so he was trying to be respectful.
He then said he felt like I was being accusatory. (Sheesh!) I told him that I was trying not to be, but that I had thought it best just to come to him and ask him about the clothes. That I didn't want to come in screaming or hysterical, but I didn't want to be moody and distant either. That he had always told me to just come talk to him, so that's what I was doing. He said I was right, he was probably just sensitive because he was mostly asleep.
I told him that I didn't think he was fooling around with anyone, just that maybe he was getting too friendly again. He said he wouldn't make that mistake again.
So no big deal. I also had thought maybe the clothes belonged to his mother, but she hasn't been in the car with him. H asked me if I had been out with anybody in the car, and I said no. He was going to call FCW, but he doesn't have her number.
I think he really doesn't know where they came from. Even with all of our problems, he has never been the type to sneak around on me. I always knew where he was at or who he was with. In fact, it was really obvious when there was an EA...because I heard that name over and over and over and over. Haven't heard FCW more than a dozen times.
Chalk one up for patience and understanding on both of our sides.
He said no--he just wanted to stay with me. (Not sure how much fun that was going to be--I was headed to bed!) 
I think it just shows his level of comfort with me.
H told me he didn't care if it turn out that I couldn't have kids--that he would always be with me. It was very sweet, I know he was trying to help me feel better. 
in the last 24 hours, those things can have an impact too.