Ellie, if you read this, I'm curious to know, did you experience your H doing a retreat back to A/Ow after he told you it had ended? or have you seen anyone else have this happen?
I've analyzed and over-analyzed the sitch, and I can't see that I did anything to cause him to run back....I listened a lot, didnt pressure, have to admit I was more than excited!...but I am puzzled by this. My instincts tell me it was fear on his part, and that she is manipulating, issueing ultimatums, etc.....I try to just stay "steady" (keep trying to visualize the northern star) and calm....
on the 5th of June, H came home from work (AKA OW) and came downstairs from changing clothes wearing his wedding ring for the 1st time in a year. I noticed right away, but "said not a word"....in about 1/2 an hour he came to me and "waved" it in my face, said everything was over, he had realized I was the one he loved and someone else realized it too, that he couldnt imagine his life with out me, that he would never leave, that he figure if he put as much effort into our R as he did the other one, we could really go somewhere, told me I was an incredible person, thanks for never giving up, kissed my hand, held me and cried all night, asked me to hold him several time over that weekend, talked about not being able to trust her, how angyr she gets at him and he cant' live with that, how she says she loves him but there are always conditions attached, ....that he want to dance with me.....and then, three days later is back to calling her all the time, I'm sure going to see her, and on and on.......This back and forth stuff is just so hard for me to comprehend....but I'm thinking some other folks have had this happen? they've broken up several times before, and when they get back together I always sense him pulling away from me emotionally, this time I don't sense him pulling as far away, and I even sense him coming back again (emotionally, physically the goofy guy never left).....just weird, and I see you as someone who managed to wade through all this muck and come out on the other side, so really value your experience/views.......
I could give him an ultimatum, have considered it, many times, I don't think I'm afraid to, I just don't think it would work well because he is still so rebellious, he might do just the opposite just to prove that he can....HB mentions in her post that God will speak to a person and tell you what to do and how to do it....I feel like he's saying "keep loving him".........
Hi Ellie, Yes, now that you mention it I recall your "Itchy Butt Theorom" and the story, and I love it, LOL....you are so right, also.....
H is such an enigma right now. I am absolutely convinced he's in MLC....in fact, months ago when I couldnt figure out which end was up, I called the EAP here at work, and as I relayed the sitch, the counselor said "let me guess, he's around/about to turn 50 isn't he"....LOL, if H only knew what a textbook case he is, he'd be insulted. Actually, I think he read a copy of the 6 stages of MLC thread that I had by the bed (in "my stuff", the SNOOP!) and later was saying to me that he thought maybe it was MLC.........
Deb - no, my H didn't do the "back and forth" but it did take a long time for him to cut the final ties, even after we were doing really well. Just keep being really fun - do something different every day - intrigue him - let him feel he's falling in love with the "new you", not returning to the old R - which is where he got so unhappy in the first place. My H even started calling me by a new name and calling me his "new girlfriend" - so do everything you can to make it seem like the two of you are dating, and like you are a new woman (you are by now, right? )
Thanks all....I'm still working on becoming the new "red Hot Momma" woman...I'm working on a more easy going, less serious, more unpredictable person emerging....I have to say it's hard work, but progess is being made....I think I probably have buried the prude I used to be, LMAO!
yesterday H didnt get home from the 3pm job interview until 6:30...it's a 1 hour drive from home, and he had to go through OW's town, so I was becoming quite anxious by the time he showed up....Old Deb would have been angry or tearful or both....New Deb managed to squelch it, and acted "as if" everything was great and just talked about how it went and what he learned, etc....H is not interested in the current opening, but they do have some administrative slots they expect to open up in the next few months that would be just his ticket, and have promised to keep him informed of those and encouraged him to apply that he would be a good canidate.....one of the things this organization is thinking of doing is something H and I always dreamed of doing, that is a wilderness family therapy program....we never could see our way clear financialy to gamble on such a thing, but for H to have the opportunity to develop such a program with a big organization underwriting it would be more than the answer to the wildest dream ever prayed about.....even an admin. slot, and evidently there is a possibility of them reopening the office here in town.....H seems more "up" after just going to the interview than I've seen him a quite a while, which is part of what I was hoping for.... now if OW just doesnt follow him if he goes there..... actually a couple months from now would be better than now because it gives a little time to make plans financially for the interim period. If this came through, I would see how all this has been a part of God's plan....all the pieces would seem to fall together........not that I'm particularly supposed to see God's plan....
yesterday evening both H and I were really tired (I hadnt slept for some reason the last 2 nights)....S was with SIL, and they went to a late movie, so S didn't get home until 11:30....so we had a few hours to ourselves. H walked on the tread mill, was going to lift weights, then came and sat down at the table and started talking for a while, said he was tired and not going to go back and do weights after all, so we just sat and talked a little while.... about 9:30, H went up to bed, I went up shortly after....As I was getting into bed, H shocked me and said "do you want to be naughty"....New Deb just laughed, took off the nighty she had just put on, asked "is that an invitation" and went and hugged him....and things went from there, well I might add....Old Deb would have not been interested, or "too tired"...... So, H sat and talked with me and initiated sex after I sent him the email wishing him luck on his interview, and telling him how I'd missed having time just to be with him as well as for this past weekend. He had replied "Thanks for the send off!" to that email....so I'm thinking this is something that worked....a smallish gesture on Hot Momma's part....but he seemed to respond....actually he responded very well, was quite eager....so I need to take note of this. Take that OW! even if he did stop to see her, he brought the "good stuff" home to me! I sure hope he feels like he got the "good stuff" at home from me, as well.
This morning was rushed, but H was not unfriendly....I was a little more distant, trying to be somewhat mysterious. H brought me coffee, but I'm sure he made his eternal early morning phone call.... today he's here in this office w/OW....this sounds really naughty, but I always like to try to seduce HIM on Mondays when I know he's likely to see her the next day....I don't know if he's noticed that pattern, but last night he was the initiater, so..... I also like to try to stick some little note or "surprise" in his lunch on most Tuesdays, didn't have time to do that today, so I guess that's a little different.
It is a very delicate balance to find and maintain between "enough" and "too much", both with sex and with distance.....H has complained about too much sex lately, after complaining for years about not enough , and my distance was a big complaint at "bomb time", although I've been thinking about what got him the first time years ago, and I know in part it was my independence and his thinking that I wasnt all that invested in him....go figure....
Ok all, I need some opinions here, this talk of "new woman" and dating put a new idea in my head, and it's shocking even to me, I don't know if I should try it or not....I've been thinking of emailing H, asking him how his day is going and telling him I'm thinking of him, thinking of him so much that I had to take something off....
hmmmm....I don't know, is this too forward, in light of his previous complaints about it being "not all about sex"....it's been probably 2 months since I heard that complaint, however.....
what do you think...too much? try it and see what happens?
My H has started this new text message flirting. It is a turn on for him and it makes ml good when it happens. We flirt by text for about 1-2 hrs first, sometimes days b4 we see each other and .
You know your H better then anyone else. What is good for us (i hope) may not be good 4 u.
I have tried soooo many times to reply but my computer is still giving me fits! Sorry!
I think you really hit on something when you mentioned that your H loved the "independent" you.
That's exactly what I meant when I said that you should show him with your actions what a wonderful woman you are. He needs to see a confidenent, independent, sexy YOU.
My H once told my sister that he absolutely loved my independence....said in such a way, meaning that he found it desirable. (She, of course, called me immediately and told me!)
Now, what could you do to show him that you are confident and more independent? (Big Hint here: don't talk about, think about, dwell on OW. She's a non-factor in your new life. Let her be your H's burden....and she is you know...a burden.)
Sending this off to you now just in case my computer crashes ....again!
Just poppin in to say "hey." I don't think I've posted to you in a while, but I've still been reading your thread.
I hope you know how lucky you are to have your H still at home, under your roof, in your bed, I am so jealous that you have him still at home and close by so you can get instant feedback on your dbing not to mention ML, once my period is over I get hot to trot .
I hope you know that I mean that jealousy bit all in a friendly way, I am glad that things are progressing for you.
I guess I am just frustrated with my own sitch, dbing is hard work when you don't live with your H... and I told him he can't move back until OW is gone..so this could take a while.
)
Ellie - Thanks for the very handy tip - just keep being fun. Slowly 
this past weekend. He had replied "Thanks for the send off!" to that email....so I'm thinking this is something that worked....a smallish gesture on Hot Momma's part....but he seemed to respond....actually he responded very well, was quite eager....so I need to take note of this. 
, and my distance was a big complaint at "bomb time", although