Thanks for all the prayers, but my world is about to get rocked pretty hard. Shortly after the funeral, CAW mentioned she has lost all faith and I've notice she has stopped wearing her cross nectlace she has worn every day since I had given it to her so many years ago. Last weekend things really took a turn for the worse with CAW bluntly telling me to get away from her whenever I came close. For the last three days, she has spent alot of time away "going to the gym" or running errands, but act as if she's hiding something. At night she has been having trouble falling asleep, but says not a word. When I inquired she just said she's not feeling well. Last night I literally got the shakes while laying next to her. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. Not to mention that "letter" showed back up on her nitestand again on Monday.
I've seen all these signs before. So tonight I broke down and did some serious snooping. The pattern of contacting OM with cell phone for the past year or so has been a call every 7 to 10 days. There's been 9 calls in the past 2 days and $3,000 dollars just showed up in her checking account yesterday!
CAW has been collecting unemployment over the summer, I know of no other means CAW could deposit that amount and to coincidental it occurs when there is so much contact with OM. Folks, I can't help but see this as wrtiing on the wall.
Seems like enough cash to get a place of her own and hire a lawyer.
I just don't know where to go from here. Oh, I know I'll be OK and I know I won't stop her from leaving, but after that ... ?
Do I continue to wait it out until all her arrangements are complete and then she tells me?
With D11 in the picture still, I can't see doing that ... Custody issues will need to be resolved quickly, since I'm sure she gonna want full custody and support.
For nearly three years I had always dreaded this route and now all I want to do if I'm forced to go this way is to get it done and over with quickly and move on.
I could really use some guidence here. Sorry but I feel I let down all that have come to know me ... most of all, I feel I have let myself down and my kids.
I guess I need to start looking at picking a whole kind of pieces. Life after seperation or worse...
Let me just start by saying that I could never feel you let anyone down... not ever, not no way, not no how. If anything, the onus for any breakdown goes to CAW. I'm betting your faithful following will join me in that sentiment.
Let's say for the sake of argument that your fears are about to become reality. KAW, have you worked on a strategy to deal with the custody issues and any other lingering details that are BIG to you?
What I guess I'm saying is I think it wouldn't be too far fetched for you to plan an exit strategy... that is, what you need to have if she leaves.
I'm here to support you and will tell you that there IS life after separation. It's not always easy, but there really can be peace if you really seek it. And just maybe, CAW will find out that you aren't really the obstacle standing in her way. SHE IS.
Big hugs, special friend.
Betsey
p.s. I've told Hud he can give you my real e-mail address, but my posting one is underdog_dbatyahoodotcom
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Just wanted to tell you that I absolutely agree with Bets.
In no way have you let me down.
In my opinion, CAW is doing the typical run away from pain thing.
She's hurting, so she is running towards a fantasy.
I feel sorry for her, unfortunately, she's liable to have a rude awakening when the fantasy she has been counting on to relieve her pain, crumbles. Then she will have to face both losses at once.
Not something I would wish on anyone.
KAW, I think Betsy makes great sense...time for you to organize an EXIT plan that will protect you and the children.
crap! crap! and more crap! this is not fair to you at all KAW....
You yourself have pointed out that you've been at this for nearly three years! with little if any effort or movement from CAW.
If you are correct in your assumptions about her intentions perhaps that may be the light at the end of the tunnel...of course not the light you intended to meet but can be seen as a light none the less.
I would as others have suggested use your time wisely and make tentative plans for yourself and d11. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options may be..you don't have to start anything but knowing how to finish it isn't a bad thing.
other than that...simply carry on knowing that you are not a failure in any way shape or form. You are a wonderfully insightful and caring man with such determination it's a shame the woman you love is failing to see it.
KAW - I sent you an e-mail but you have loads of support from all of us here! And as usual, LL made a very good suggestion to contact a lawyer for a consult to protect yourself and D...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I am sorry about your sitch. Your W seems to be in a similar frame of mind as my W.
When I went to L last July, I also paid with Cheque. I did not want my W to know. I am sure that she went to a L as well. If you are not ready to let go your W, don't snoope. It can make you feel bad only. I have not read my W's cellphone for awhile now.
However, be prepare mentally that your W may leave. After she left she may decide to be back. The life with the om is not that rosy as she has imagined. Will you accept her back. She may be happy with the om and won't come back. Are you ready to live your life without her?
I have prepared these scenarios for myself to think about. But on the other side, may be the money is for something else? Are you comfortable to ask your W about it? I can't ofer you any solutions. Just consider different scenarios.
Yes Betsey's wisdom is a godsend. Her email was even more enlightening. I don't know how I could ever thank you enough Bets and will always have a special place dear to my heart for what you have done for me.
PnB, LL, Raindeer thanks for the support. Daybreak, thanks for the email and I return one in kind.
From LL::
Quote: this is not fair to you at all KAW....
In a way, LL, I starting to see that it is. If CAW isn't not going to accecpt that she can be happy M to me, then it is only fair to move on and allow me the oppurtunity to find someone who is will be more than happy with what I am willing to offer, which in turn will make me happier than I ever would be with CAW. Finally, I'm getting it thru this thick skull that is very fair to me.
From PnB:
Quote: I feel sorry for her, unfortunately, she's liable to have a rude awakening when the fantasy she has been counting on to relieve her pain, crumbles. Then she will have to face both losses at once.
Not something I would wish on anyone.
Yes I have felt this way all along, but alas as my sister had just said to me this evening, "You can't make it your obligation to try to prevent that for her." ... She's right! So I have to let her go and if that is her fate, then so be it! Don't mean to sound callous, but I cannot prevent her fate from being so if that is the path she wish to blindly follow.
From raindeer:
Quote: However, be prepare mentally that your W may leave. After she left she may decide to be back. The life with the om is not that rosy as she has imagined. Will you accept her back. She may be happy with the om and won't come back. Are you ready to live your life without her?
Raindeer, I have had two years and all lotsa help from the wonderful folks here at this bb to help me prepare for this moment. During that time I have been work hard at becomomg a much stronger person emotionally and know I will be OK and yes even accept moving on without her. As to the second part of your inquiry, Would I accept her back after trying with OM? I have pondered this for two years ... wrote many a post on it and even expressed my concerns to CAW at one point. While I can't say for certain, I believe my core belief is No!, I can't. For that would mean I settled be being only second best to her. Until I met CAW, I had a lifetime of feeling second rate. I will not accept that from anyone again, especially the one who originally shown me what it means to feel first rate with someone. I don't believe I could gain enough compassion to forgive such a violation. This disheartens my greatly. For I wish to strive to be as compassionate a person as possible, but I don't believe its rightly possible to sacrifice one's own value to do so. The line has to be drawn somewhere or else one loses all respect and is nothing more than a doormat for others.
Further developments: Yesterday, CAW withdrew $2,000 in cash. Sound like a tidy amount for 1st month rent and security on an apartment and that leaves an even grand towards a lawyer's fee. I was able to confirm the first part this morning by reading D11's journal entry from yesterday. On that day, her Mom told her the two of them would be moving into an apartment soon.
From what I read there. CAW has no intention of telling me. Just packing up some suitcases and leaving on day while I'm working in order to discover they're gone when I come home.
How's that for the ultimate conflict avoider! Sorry ... there's that anger surfacing.
Yes, I'm starting to feel a volcano of anger swelling deep in my bowels. Ick!!! For much of the day, I been thinking if CAW does leave, then maybe its finally time for me to resort to LRT. Go totally dark! I meant DARK! (Except for matters dealing with D11, of course.) Actually, I think I need it more for my sake than CAW's, but if we are to have any type of amicable future R, then I can not let loose my anger around CAW at all ... altho I've been entertaining it a bit today! Ugh!
Ahh ... fear not Bets. I have printed out your email to read every day from here on out in order to help ground me during the upcoming upheaval to prevent me from turning to the dark side. For that I will be forever in your debt.
Lastly, yes, its time to do some lawyer shopping. I hope to find someone by next week. Merrick ... any suggestions? I've haven't forgotten your tip on hiring a female atty.
How does she get full custody while seeing OM? And if you have custody, she will have to pay you support. Just something to think about.
KAW, I really feared the D, but now I am facing that fear, full steam ahead. I did not want it, but refuse to let H walk over me and am trying to start my life over in the best way possible. You should look at it that way too.
There is no harm in finding an attorney at this point. She really cannot make any arrangements without consulting you. I would not let her take your D from the house. If you think she will try to do this, I would be consulting my attny quickly to see what your options are. My H walked out and took nothing, so we did not have this problem. Your attny can issue a temporary restraining order to keep CAW from taking your D if you do not want her to.
Yes, if she goes the D route I would work hard to get it done. It seems they take a very long time anyway.
YOU have not let anyone down and you need to realize this. Your wife has. You have been willing to try, she has not.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
As you are prepare mentally, I would let your W make her decision. I know it is unfair to you to leave you without telling you her intention. My W did the same. But she can't take the kids as they are old enough to make their own decision, who they wantto live with. Of course our kids are more comfortable to live with me.
I understand how you feel right now. My W left for just 9 hours. It was like hell. Especially for my S. We are all here to support you. Get a good L. Get good legal advice. You don't need to use the L if not necessary. But you know where you stand. Be prepare to use LRT. I hope that your W is not making a decision that she will regret.
For the last three days, she has spent alot of time away "going to the gym" or running errands, but act as if she's hiding something. At night she has been having trouble falling asleep, but says not a word. When I inquired she just said she's not feeling well. Last night I literally got the shakes while laying next to her. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. Not to mention that "letter" showed back up on her nitestand again on Monday. 
