In your earlier posts, it sounded as if you wanted to work this out and were going to do what it took to do that.
Your worry now is about something that you think will happen, not something that has happened yet. You are driving yourself crazy with it, and it hasn't yet happened.
You can't control your W right now, and in reality you never could. She probably isn't making any sense to you right now either, because she is totally focused on the other man.
So if you are committed to having this work, stay the course. It is going to take some time.
Everybody has a line though, and you have to decide what yours is. When she crosses that line, make your stand and be firm if that is how you really feel. Once you do that though, there is usually no going back.
If you agree with her developing a relationship with the OM you will very likely end up divorced. If she wants a business arrangement which you live as roommates than you might as well get divorced. At least you won't have to put up with your wife's nonsense and move on with your life. The point is the longer you put up with your wife's
craziness the more likely your marriage is going to crash and die. It is important to stand firm and not allow yourself to be part of her drama . The message that you will be delivering to your wife is that you are not going to be there supporting her while she sees if the relationship with the OM becomes serious enough so that she can dump you. Wishful thinking that suddenly she is going fall back in love with you, if you cooperate with going along with her affair, is not going to work. It will only make you feel more resentful and make her view you as a weak man. She has to see that you are not willing to accept a marriage that is a sham and that even though you love her you are not afraid to move on with or without her.
Thanks for the advice. Both of you have advocated drawing a firm line about what can and cannot be tolerated within this relationship, and I am struggling with that.
My wife returned from a vacation this morning and has already emailed the other man. She tells him that she wants to work things out with me and feels closer to me. Then she goes on to say that she wants to have more email contact, more meetings, and still wants to go to Europe with him. In addition, she told him that while she was buying lingerie she was only thinking of him!
How can I continue to deal with this? Should I tell her to have no more contact with him? Is that placing demands on her, and should I try to avoid that? Or, should I just wait it out?
Your wife senses that you are afraid to stand up to her. As a result she feels free to carry on with this affair without worrying about the consequences. IMO, you are helping to plant the seeds of the destruction of your marriage. Only by making it clear to her that you will not stay married to her if she is going to play footsie with another man can you hope to possibily save your marriage. Showing weakness will end your marriage.
Seems like you are asking for a course of action..Your W wants to be roommates, so maybe that is ALL you should be.
Roommates aren't necessarily friends, or do everything together. Maybe you need to get a bit of your own life?
Maybe you don't say a thing to her and:
Open a seperate checking account, paying your portion of the bills (1/2)?
Have a different bedroom in the house.
Start doing some things you always wanted to do. Think big....maybe learn to fly? Maybe scuba dive? Maybe a trip somewhere for an adventure you want to do? Hunting or fishing?
Also think small....maybe join a bowling/darts/pool/basketball/soccer league? Something that gets you out of the house a night or two a week?
Maybe join a gym and work that into your schedule a few days a week?
The thing is, you can't control her. You can only control yourself. You don't want to end it yet, and you aren't ready to draw a line yet, so be indifferent. Don't be very available. When you must talk to her, be cheerful, be direct and exude that you are enjoying life. You might have to fake this at first, but don't ever fall back into being needy. She has to see that she isn't the only one that is looking at life differently, and it sounds like she isn't 100% committed to leaving either, which is good.
The thing about drawing a line is, there is really no going back on it. If she reacts negatively to it, you would have to live with it.
If you are not at the point of wanting to divorce than I would suggest getting a legal separation (so you are not accused of abandonment), separating bank and credit card accounts, and then moving into another apartment. At least this way you will be able to emotionally detach and not care what she is doing and with whom. It will help retain your sanity and not make you feel even more like wimp. During that time you could focus on improving yourself emotionally and spiritually. Once you reach the point where you feel more confident and stronger emotionally the solution as to what to do with your marriage will become more obvious.
Thanks Davis and Sinjin. It is interesting how varied the advice and perspectives can be. I appreciate what Davis had to say, for if I read my own writing without being in the situation, I would see myself as being incredibly weak. However, being in the actual situation, my position was certainly not one of weakness in the eyes of my wife or myself. She was the weak one, unable to take a firm stance and decide what she wanted for her own future. I was strong by being committed, understanding and solid in the face of so much hurt and betrayal. I know that she was impressed and amazed, especially by the emotional intelligence (something women don't necessarily expect from a man).
The stance I was taking was almost exactly that advocated by Sinjin. I was about to set up another room in the house as my own, and go on a vacation and learn to scuba dive. However, I am already very active and our two lives are not so intertwined that I don't have my own life. So, it was not necessary to get too carried away.
So, there I was ready to go alone and just be roommates, giving her the utmost distance to decide what she wanted and allowing her to see me at my best. However, she came back from her short vacation with a girlfriend and we had some more great discussions. She said she was ready to commit to this marriage and realized that it would not be possible to see or communicate with this other man. Her plan to vacation with him was abandoned, and she realized that, at best, he could only ever be a friend. She said she would email him only once a month, and I said she could see him one more time... in public with our good friend as chaperone.
So, we are both feeling great right now. However, I also know that she has already emailed him twice today! I know that it is going to be incredibly hard for her to break this pattern of behaviour. I know that she is not lying to me, but that she is finding it impossible to keep her word.
My plan is simply to be the most amazing husband that I can possibly be. For I know that he is leaving the country in five months, and that if we can get through these next five months without a major breakdown on her part (physical encounter with him) then we can get through this and the thought of him should quickly fade.
As far as the syping goes, I will continue to monitor the email messages they are sending one another, but will not allow myself to be tortured by what they say to one another because I know my wife's heart and intentions are good, and that she may milk this relationship for all the drama she can, but I don't believe she will act on it. If we are able to get through this entire ordeal in only 6 months, then it will be a miracle.
Does anyone have any thoughts that may be useful at this time? Any personal experiences or suggestions that may prove appropriate to this scenario?
What is going on with this woman, my wife? She is telling me that she wants to work on this marriage, wants to be only with me, and sees the OM only as a friend. Yet, she continues to email him and tell him that since her husband is going to be out of town this month so much, maybe they could meet up.
I have the sense that she is seeking to take their relationship to a new and physical level. She probably doesn't want to be with him forever, but she wants to experience all that this affair has to offer before they are separated when he moves. I can see this, but the idea of her sending him romantic emails and lusting after him, trying to concoct ways for them to meet so they can grope one another is too painful.
What does one do? Do I just sit back and let her continue in this vein. Do I allow them to sleep together if that's the choice she makes? What is worse, to confront her and tell her I know what's going on, or to wait for them to sleep together and then try to deal with my disgust and anger?
It is me, Questioning, again with more angst. I know that my W is trying to arrange a meeting with OM in two days while I am out of town. She and I did agree that she would see him in person one more time. I wonder if she thinks that this is the last time, or if she will then try to create other meetings. I think the latter case will prove to be true.
The other day while talking to my wife (as we are getting along great and living life as if nothing is/was different) I told her that my fear is that we'll just return to where we were in our marriage, and this will cause her to return to her relationship with OM because she will still have unmet needs. I realized that during the time of crisis, the two of us had some amazing conversations and both felt alive, passionate and excited (although maybe with some negative emotions). Now that the overt crisis is over, life is returning to a rather boring flat calm.
My wife said that her emails with OM were now boring, and I said that this is probably because they are no longer full of possibilities and sexual innuendo. She soon fixed this up by spicing up her next email to him. So, it is very apparent what need of my wife's is being met by the relationship with OM, and not being met in our marriage. It is the passion, the excitement, and the emotions. How does one ignite these though when you work, eat, raise children and deal with finances? How to keep that fire alive 24/7?
In reading your posts I wonder if you are writing in jest or you are a man who has no confidence and self respect. If your posts are real and you are going to condone your wife meeting with the OM while you are out of town then it is only a question of time until your marriage goes down the drain.
