So glad to hear about your husband opening up over the weekend!! How wonderful for both of you.
I KNOW your are right to focus on the positive and look for the actions and not the words......
My H's actions have also been relatively loving(keeping in mind that it's only been four weeks since I found out about the Other women( last year) He's not been overly attentive, but still he does appear to be truely trying.
Without being able to talk about it I get very little to go on,all I can come up for myself right now is "Time will tell" which means I'm gonna be walking on eggshells for a LONG time.Ugh!
My problem: I keep thinking it's just a front. That the nicer he is the worse things really are!! Crazy huh.( I am by nature an overly trusting person and I HATE this feeling paranoid).
Anyways, I do feel a bit better when I concentrate on what he appears to be focusing on, which is the future and not the past....
Mooka, Back to the apology thing for a moment if I may.....
Something I have come to find in the last few days of lurking on the board and reflecting.....
Sometimes we forget WE are NOT the ONLY ones who need healing.
The WAS also needs to feel reassured that they are still loved even and especially after their horrendous behaviour.
Yes, we still love them, even though it hurt.
Yes, we are going to stay with them and not abandon them, even though they might feel they don't deserve it.
Yes, we have changed but so have they...and we've noticed.
Yes, they lied but they can be trusted again....miraculous isn't it.
Please pardon, this is taken from someone else here on the boards: " I am not the only one in my marriage who yearns to heal and wonders how to forgive myself."
So maybe getting to "I'm sorry", seems like such an inadequate thing to get to...
Maybe they realize it's better to SHOW that the WAS is sorry by "DOING" things to show that they have changed and moved past the past. Just a thought'
Your insights are very helpful for me. You are so right....
Quote: Sometimes we forget WE are NOT the ONLY ones who need healing.
The WAS also needs to feel reassured that they are still loved even and especially after their horrendous behaviour.
Yes, we still love them, even though it hurt.
This really helps me to think "outside" of myself.....our own past hurt, can really slow us down.
His behavior is the key.....and it's very steady.....
Now to catch up on the news since my B-day.
Well, my H really came through.....a homemade card, with a poem and an "I LOVE YOU" in the poem.....diamond earrings, and a nice homecooked meal. We had a great week-end away....back to our ole stomping grounds where we met, went to college, fell in love, got married, had our first child....too much fun.. It had been over 16 yrs since we had been there.
He still has moments of stress....usually triggered by work pressures...and we have our mis-communications....but are both remedying them quickly.
I am thanking God daily for the work that is going on in our home. Man....it's been quite a year.
I will be starting new post....soon. We are no longer in neutral....we are steady into at least 3rd gear!....Looking forward to each new step. It still takes a lot of work and concentration, no to slip into old habits....I no longer want to take any or all of this for granted, and get sloppy in nurturing the R. I am still careful not ot pressure.....not to push too hard. The ILY's are starting....2 so far.....I'm still letting him pursue that....
Not a lot new to report in....just wanted to bump up a bit.
My H has been out of the country for the past 4 days for business. Got one simple, but kind email. He's not too mushy...yet. I had a bad dream the other night....that H moved out again. So I know my head/heart still has a lot of healing to take place. He comes home today....
Have been keeping busy with work, daughter, a few friends...and projects. H and I have spent a lot of time together the past 2 months.....lots of time. So maybe this 4 day break, with no contact is good for both.
Gotta keep working on me. I am exercisng, reading, and trying to keep in a forward direction. I am helping out a friend in pain, from her D....and trying to give her strength.
We are planning family fun around the up-coming holidays....that's a good sign.
No real big changes for us...we are going through the days and weeks, both working quite a bit...having friends and relavtives visiting. We had some miscommunications this week, it seems when I start to observe too closely, and try to read into stuff, I no long am my happy-go-lucky-positive self. I start withdrawing and walking on eggshells to respond to him more sensitively. Well, that's when our communication seems to break down. Duh...Mooka...let that go...be yourself. Sometimes I am my worst enemy.
I am starting to realize that my LL is physical touch, and I'm not getting enough at random time....y'know a peck here and hug there....just during our ML time... , which I love, but I need it other times....just to feel connected. I think I will be more upfront with him on that. I've wanted him to pursue me there...and figure it out on his own. But, no....he responds to me, but I initiate....and I will just have to TELL him I need him to think of it. I'm not very good at being direct.....that is one of my issues to work on.
Just rambling here....sorry....he left for work on ggod terms this morning...the last 2 being a little tense. So we plan to have some quality time this week-end to re-connect.
Am slowly cathing up with some of you.
Keeping God at my forefront.....that is a good daily ritual for me.
Been a while, i know....been busy with relatives visiting over Thanksgiving....helping my Mom out....(elderly)...etc.
Just caught up on KAW....GREAT updates on his sitch! He's one strong, wise man.
My sitch has taken a turn this past Monday. I was out of town helping my Mom in her home for the week-end....talking with H each day, idle chatter, catching up on the homefront...etc. He would end each call with"take care"...blah, he cannot say ILY....tho he does on a daily basis with our kids.
So in my heart, I feel that we still have a long ways to go. Of course I don't say it either....but the few times we have said it to each other this past fall....I am the first to initiate it. I'm done with that!
Then....this is where our R got ugly....he picked me up at the airport Mon night....late flight. I walked outside with my bags where he was parked....he gets out of the car and starts yelling at me..."why didn't you answer your cell?" "I've called 4 times, you knew I would want to touch base....blah , blah, blah..." I was shocked! Stunned, actually. I threw my bags in the car....and said, "I did have my cell on the entire time....must not have had reception in baggage claim....I had no idea" He didin't buy it. He said he always has reception.....that I was a poor commmunicator....that is always our problem.
I mean he was a monster....I did not deserve that....
So on the way home...I proceeded to tell him.....sarcastically...."F-me...for NOT holding the cell in my hand full time....while waiting for the bags. What could I be thinking?" F-me for NOT thinking the way he thinks....that we must be 2 different people....go figure.
We were silent the enitre ride home. I have been cool for 2 days.....just basic info to get through the day....logistics. No physical contact, what-so-ever. D22, at home...has no idea. We are just being polite.
This am, while he made comments about how bad things are at work for him.....he is really miserable with all the politics and changes....almost want to walk away from it all. I validated, and said.."he was putting up with a lot of sh....that they are really putting him through it right now...and I can see how he wants to throw in the towel. He also said...".makes me think about our sitch Monday night....and if we are back to square one. Back to where we were a year ago." I decided NOT to react to that comment, for fear of saying something I might regret. But in my heart, I have been wondering myself. I have been wondering about my R with H as of late....I deserve much more respect...to think he can talk/yell at me like that.....unforgiveable!!! No one has the right to behave that way toward me. Do I really want H in my life....does he even really love me? I have been working so hard...and we have progressed in many ways....but JEEZ....I am still so dissatisfied with the min-moderate committment from H. He is not trying hard enough, IMHO. I want more....more in a R.....I deserve more. He has never, yet, fully apologized for his past behaviour. What's that about? Some of yo folks here on BB, said it may take months or years...
Right now I want to drop the rope. To give up.....to say things directly. To confront. I know that in the past...tho....I overreaact...say things I later regret. I know I'm going on and on here....sorry. Journalling here might help me sort this out.
We have a family vac planned for a week at X-mas in the Caribbean.....
I'm just totally frustrated....holding tons in.....and trying to figure out what to do with it all. Time to go back to the books for guidance, I guess.
