Thanks also to Matilda for the book recommendation. I think this bears further exploration as I told my H that I can forgive but I am not sure I can forget. And he wants me to erase it all from my mind.
That is exactly why this BB remains so important to those of us experiencing success too!
Have a great day!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Just a quick check in to thank you all for your kind, sincere feedback. Pam...with the PMA support and help connecting my posts....Odga, LnL, Cathy, Rottz and Totite...continued up-lifting words of support, and empathy for the next phase to follow. And Matilda...the book reference is a great idea.
H and I have soooo much to wade through the next several weeks along with D's grad, travel, my Mom around, etc. sooo we are just getting along for now....not going into heavy details. We'll probably "talk" a couple times per week about our R....and then live life inbetween.
We had a pleasant week-end hanging together....H and Son got into it tonight...so I'm just "doing nothing"....another 180 for me from past years...I used to get right in the middle of their issues, and cause even more stress. I just asked H, quietly, if there was anything I could do....he said no....it was between he and son. They'll work it out....typical son returning from college for the first summer and exhibiting a bit of an attitude. Oh well....parenting goes on even with college age kids.
Love all your continued feedback. Wish me luck with our adventure in Seattle. H and I have planned one night for just ourselves...no kids, no Mom....should be nice.
Had a great, great week in Seattle. Had lots of events surrounding our D's graduation...dinners, ceremonies, brunches, more ceremonies, etc. H was around most evenings, all but one...he had a work related dinner that he completely informed me about. I stayed with him all but one night....very nice.
He and I celebrated our Anniversary yesterday....he changed his work travel plans to be here, asked me to come into the city...meet him at work....went to his apt, had a nice, simple dinner...ML ...talked about having more time on the week-end to celebrate, with a more formal dinner outing, and spending the days together.
It's so funny, cuz at his apt, he treats me like a real guest...getting wine, snacks, planning dinner, etc...asking me if I need anything, etc. I love it!
He's affectionate when he wants to be intimate...but not as much in-between.... Tho that was never his long suit...my LL is physical affection, his is quality time and uninterrupeted talks. I'm finally getting that. If I initiate a peck or gentle squeeze, he does respond. Just gotta keep my expectations in check.
Overall....I'm DBing the best I can. There are times, when I'm dying to press him on our R issues...but hold off. Taking the PRESSURE off is huge for him....he always draws closer when I do. (Even when I have stuff on my mind that takes me down...I shake it off the best I can, change the subject, lighten up and it goes sooo much better!!) He hasn't brought up our issues for a while. He does talk about our future together, tho. This is huge! Where we want to live someday....boating together, travel together, retirement...etc. Living a more simple life in the moutains...etc. It's great.
Also on our Anniversary last night, he toasted.."To 20+ wonderful years together, 2-3 ok years, 1 rough year and to 25 more wonderful years ahead." Wow...that was great!
He left this morning for his business trip, will be back tomorrow night. He's driving here, not into the city. He's only visiting his apt about once a week these past few weeks...has plans to be here all week-end.
I bought him a card, but have not given it to him. I thought I'd wait to see if he gets me something...a card or gift. I don't want to pressure that. He may not get the card til next year, who knows.
Just taking one day at a time...but feel that H is about 75% there....gotta continue to be patient.
Reading Love Languages was timely for me right now. Just focusing on what works and going from there. Hope one day he will be interested in reading that, so he can better understand me and my LL.
You are doing so well at not pressuring your H. I am so glad to see things changing for the better! Woohoo!! If you want to chat sometime contact me at nikatnight04@yahoo.com
Nik and Wiley....I really appreciate you checking in and offering the continued encouragement.
Had another great week-end. H called me twice Friday night, one I missed....at a gf party....the second was later in the evening....he was at his apt. Giving me details of his trip....drive into the city...and he was ready to crash. He planned to come out the following morning and spend the week-end...thru Tues. (I leave Tue for another trip with my 2 best gf's)
We had a great day Sat....walked, talked,ML ... watched the US Open some. We made dinner reservations, got dressed up and went our to a favorite spot nearby. We had another toast...to hoping for 25+ wonderful years ahead. He talked some about work that night, so I took an opening and asked about OW. (I had not asked about her for 5-6 months!!!) He said he didn't want to talk about much of our recent past on this nice night together, but he did tell me she left the Co. at the end of the year...Dec?!?!? and he doesn't have any contact with her. He hears about her occaisionally through his staff who are personal friends of hers. That's it. But what a shocker for me....all along I thought he was working and talking with her daily!!!! This is huge for me to take in. That's what made me think about when(?) the last time I had brought her up. I shook my head, and said....well I wouldve had no reason to know that. He said, let's not talk anymore of the past tonight, and just enjoy our time together.
Sunday...went great too. He and I took a nice long walk, I went to church....he hit golf balls. We ran fun errands together...went out with our son to get golf lessons from him (he's an excellent golfer and teaches his parents!!). We had a B-B-Q...as H requested...and he opened presents from son and cards from me and the dog. He got up and came over an kissed me in front of son (this is big!) and thanked me for the nice card, nice dinner and great day. He's slowly starting to show bits and pieces of more affection throughout the day....it feels good.
Another overall positive for the week-end....there were about 3 times H could've gotten furstrated with me and in the past...would get harsh with words....this week-end, tho...he gently mentioned the issues (me being 20 min late after church...most of my issues that bug him center around timeliness!!)...anyway...he said "this isn't a real big deal, but when you give me a time to meet, try to stick to it....plan better, just out of respect." We also had a brief issue while driving....I was in the wrong turn lane...blah, blah, blah...I said..."oh well, we'll just have to turn around, again!" He kind of laughed...it softened the moment. Then when we got to the store we were looking for (which had moved!)...we started mocking each other about our tiff on where to go, which lane to be in, etc...just silly talk....and I then said...."boy these big fights are tough to take!" We laughed, because there was no fight....we both sucked it up momentarily, and then joked around about how silly little things can be. YEAH...he is working at improving our communication too!
Soooo many positives going on. He also talked about a trip WE could take together at the end of July....maybe to Europe using his mileage! He asked me to research it.....I'm good at that!
I called him this morning with some good news from his SIL....our neice (on his side) is having triplets!!! We were giggling about how they couldn't have kids for years and years, have 1 little girl...and now 3 healthy boys due in Nov!! He thanked me for calling him with the good news. Said he would be home on an early train tonight.
Yow..... Life is moving forward and I am thrilled. Still connecting spiritally and asking for patience and continued Dbing skills.
Great to see your update!!! Looks like you and H are looking toward the future and not basing it on the past. What I mean is, you are not acting like past behavior dictates future behavior. EXCELLENT!!!!
Finally....I'm back to catching any/or alll of you up on my sitch. Things are going so very well.....I'm not sure where to begin...how about some highlights:
-H took me to the airport for my week long trip with gf's. He kissed me good-bye and told me to have a wonderful time.
_H and I talked prior to leaving about the status of our R. He stated, "we are communicating better than we have in 2-3 years, spending lots of quality time together and enjoying each other." He said..."it will take some time and we've still got some hard stuff to talk about, but with time, we'll continue moving forward."
-I had an amazing trip with my gf's....hiking, swimming in the sea, touring.....great talks, food, wine....laughter, etc. Totally rejuvinating for me
-H stayed at our home with son for the entire week. They both said they got along great....had fun.
-H has been with me everynight at our home the last week. He left for a business trip this morning, but is coming back here Thur afternoon....
-H talked about his lease....may try to get out of it. (Nov. 1) If not, suggested our D living there in the fall when she returns home from college (she'll be done and hopefully working fulltime)
-ML a couple times since I've been home (1 week)
-We played golf 3 times this past week, took long walks, had dinners home, drank champagne....etc...just dating, I guess
-H continues to talk about "US" taking a trip at the end of the summer....just the 2 of us.
-H also suggested a family trip over the X-mas holidays....a cruise or something fun for the 4 of us.
I'm anxious at times to ask specific questions about our future together, but i DON'T. I am totally trying NOT to put on the pressure. I am not playing games either. I am a better listener, validating more....carefully choosing my words when sharing thoughts.
No ILY's from either side. Just occaisional hugs, kisses, some touches....small stuff. Occaisional spooning in the a.m.
It's all so good right now. I want to move slowly and carefully. He's planning ahead week to week. Let's me know of meetings, work dinners, etc. He cuts out of them early and returns home. Yeah team....this DBing stuff is really paying off!!!
I'm still continueing with the NO PRESSURE plan....taking each day, one at a time.
Just had to share. Thanks to so many of you out there in BB-Land....I wouldn't be here with out your continued support and guidance. Bless you all.
