It sure is great to hear how well you are doing. Your patience is really paying off!!!! Thanks for visiting my thread!!! I am wearing thin on patience these days.
Things continue to be moving forward at a nice pace. Maybe should rename my post to "moving from 1st to 2nd to 3rd gear....humming right along and heading toward 4th gear!"
H called me at least twice a day while in Seattle for business this week. He was gone only 2 days. Came right home and wanted to play golf with me. We had a nice dinner....went to bed early ...and a peaceful night sleep. We both even slept in an extra hour than normal......that has been a very long time in coming!
He told me he had to work a lot this week-end...earlier in the week....I was cool...kind of indifferent. Then this morning said he wasn't going in much at all this week-end. Only the bare minimum...and wants to spend more time playing golf with me and hanging at home. That relieveing the PRESSURE plan is really working with my H. The more I let stuff go....act "as if"....the more he is drawn back, wants to make more plans with me...calls, checks in, etc. IT IS AMAZING!
He has only stopped by his apt for a couple hours at a time, about once a week....to check mail and get clothes.
Quote: That relieving the PRESSURE plan is really working with my H.
Yes it is AMAZING. Yet really so simple to the point where it boggles my mind when I look around the BB and see FEW people committed to doing it. LETTING GO & RELIEVING PRESSURE sets the foundation for a WA to come back IF THEY CHOOSE to. Even though you had a few setbacks here and there Mooka, you were consistent in allowing your H to "unstick" himself without trying to FIX too much. You also did an UNBELIEVABLE job in holding other parts of your family/social life together while he felt the need to seperate. That again RELIEVED PRESSURE OFF OF HIM. Not many people are strong enough not to overly panic and try to convince someone who needs to flee, not to flee. The STRONG ones see/think outside the proverbial "marital vows" box, allow their spouse their right to freedom outside the M and simply back off and let things unfold as they will. All the while of course, acting in a manner that would be conducive to DRAWING back someone romantically which as you've heard before revolves around.. STRONG QUIET CONFIDENCE, ACTING HAPPY, CASUAL INDIFFERENCE AND MYSTERY, and the ability to AGREE with NEGATIVE VIEWS ABOUT THE R OR M, and most importantly, SELF RESPECT (not pursuing someone with love and "giving" when it is not being reciprocated..). Those are all things that make us more attractive to someone who is trying to leave us, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Good job Mooka, I'm glad the "Unsticking" process appears to be ending on your doorstep...
Thanks so much for the visit and continued insights and thoughts. I missed you, but follow your advice, often..when you give it to others.
Wondering how things are for you and your personal sitch. You deserve only the very best in life....you have so much depth and insight, I hope one day soon another woman will discover you and you will have all you've ever wanted in a R.
In general, things continue to go pretty well with H and I. He is around full time. We went to his apt yesterday for a couple of hours.... ...like a new get-away! He always wants to come back to our house tho.
had to work a few hours, so asked me to come into the city with him....I just walked around, window shopped, and he called me an hour earlier...was ready to go back home with me. He is sooooo communicative with his day to day schedule, issues, ideas for our future. It's great.
When I am alone, tho....I wonder in my head, WHEN we will have the BIG talk about this past year. We make occaisional references to some of it...but not much to really resolve some of my issues.
A few months ago, my DB C, suggested I be very, very patient while H starts to show signs of moving back into a full M. He shows all the signs, talks about getting out of his lease....family plans for the holidays, retirement ideas, etc....but not the direct issue of him backing way off for over a year. UGH.
I may make an appt soon with my C, cuz I want to bring some of this stuff up, to break down the invisible wall that I can feel from time to time. It is my wall....H gives me no reason what-so-ever of being distant or stuck in what he wants. He just does not talk about it.
I want to wade into the conversation gently, w/o emotion....and start to air out what happened. I know we understand our issues or letting the R go....no nuturing, taking each other for granted, not really caring....just the maintenance stuff. I do get that. I do get my fair share of that. I just need to know more about OW. I know that she no longer works with his co. But, I know she still lives in the city.....works as a consultant, and probably does some business with his Co from time to time.
I know that these issues will need to be talked about....I guess I am just waiting for H to really have fallen back with me "Hook, Line, and Sinker"......that's what the C told me to wait for. Not to push while he is in the "returning" mode.
Just wanted to air my thoughts and journal here. Overall, I am happier and more at peace than I have been in 2-3 years....so I have lots to be grateful for. I am still working on me....staying strong, fit, and spiritually connected.
You are my hero!! You are doing such a wonderful job. I am glad to read how well things are going for you. I think what your counselor says makes alot of sense. Patience, patience and more patience, huh?!! Nik
Just popping in to check on some of you and to give a brief (?) update.
Things are progressing sooooo well with H and I. We've had some "firsts" the last few weeks....y'know since the turn around....
We've had friends over for BBQs...went really well, H very helpful, complimentary, fun....
Had my best friend for an overnight....she knows the entire sitch....h was great with her. Friendly, helpful with dinner, fun....his ole self.
H is planning, really planning a cool trip with me the first of Sept. We are heading for Europe for 12 days, booked the tickets yesterday....he's really involved in planning the logistics....seems as excited as me.
We are hanging together on the week-ends...golfing, walks, errands....the norm. He has only spent about 3 nights in his apt the last 2+months....Goes there about once a week to get stuff....but only is gone for an hour....I go with him part of the time.
H has NOT brought up OW as of yet. In my mind, I will need to get to this one day soon. But, don't want to push him quite yet. I have a mtg with my counselor this week, will get some guidance on how to continue in a forward direction....and how/when to bring some of the hard stuff up. We have had a few simple arguements the last 2 months (maybe 3)....but nothing really difficult. He seems as willing to resolve as I do. We are talking so much better. I am putting him first for a change....something I didn't do for years. He appreciates this, and is recipricating.
He is talking with the kids and I about plans for the fall, niece's weeding, Thanksgiving, and plans for X-mas. It's all about "US" as a family....too cool.
I know I have to still keep myself in check....there are things I think about daily....in some ways have dealt with R issues into a way H hasn't. I feel I discovered so much about me and us....through spritual pursuits, reading, this BB, KLA tapes, etc. I wonder about evolving in ways H has not....and if he will catch up or want to. He is acting as tho last year hardly even happened....just kind, fun-loving, nuturing, respectful, etc. It's good....but the hurtful stuff will need to be resovled one day.
I will check back in after my session with my C. She gives me incredible advice and guidance...know that will help.
Just a quick update....wanted to share the good news!
H discussed moving all his furnishings back home this month. He wants everything in place when our d arrives in Sept. She knows all our issues, but we're back on our track of working out our R and he wants her to see it first hand. We plan to have an open talk with both the kids soon to let them know of our progress.
YIPPEE...each week is getting better! Still treading carefully, staying on the DBing track....no demands or pressures....just positive reinforcement....upbeat attitude, fun-loving...and we are re-building as we go.
We are both looking forward to our 2-wk trip together the first of Sept.
Thanks KAW for the support. I wish I could offer something up to you. I follow your posts....know you have been extremely patient. WOW...you are such a good, good man. Too bad your W only recognizes for brief periods of time. Her loss, really. Just keep taking good care of you...let her be. That ole "lovingly distant" thing, I guess.
Things are steady here with H. I pressured him slightly to talk with our S about him moving back here. H got a bit defensive and said, "It is obvious to him we are doing so well...what's the big deal with a BIG talk?" I backed off....and did/said nothing. And guess what? About 10 min later he called our S in and walked him through our sitch...saying, "we almost lost our R, but the sep helped us both realize that we had our priorities mixed up. That we are now focused on each other and making our R the main priority and communicating and enjoying each other more than we have in 5-6 years."
Well I got what I wanted to hear...in his words. He then asked me if I was satisfied....and discussed how I could have brought this whole thing up w/o putting H on the defensive. I accepted his point of view....and inside was feeling really good.
We are on the same track, and moving along at a steady pace. No ILY's....but as I told Nik....I can be really patient with those words...cuz I really only want them when it's heartfelt...with no pressure. BTW...I haven't said ILY either!
Trying to stay strong, PATIENT, continue to work on me and make H and the family my #1 priority. So far, so good!
I know my faith and God's guidance has played the main role here....I just know that deep in my heart. Trust...in God....it is truly worth it.
we will have the BIG talk about this past year. We make occaisional references to some of it...but not much to really resolve some of my issues.
