Okay. Several of us are in a similar stage, pretty much over the D, the ex... and our struggles are with rebuilding a life. We've learned that we don't "need" someone... but know without a doubt that we "want" someone. (after all, we're human)
I'd like to share thoughts on how we go about this. The last time I was single, I was in college and had more guys and dates than I could handle. I literally doubled up and had early dates and a standby for a late date on weekends. And at college, you could meet guys at parties, at the bars, etc.
Fast forward.... I'm lots older, there's all kind of STDs to worry about, and everyone in my age group (40's) has all kinds of baggage. Whoa! WTF am I supposed to do?
I am used, but not used up. Here's my list of questions and dilemnas that I need thoughts on:
1. where/how do you actually meet men? 2. has anyone figured out the safe sex thing? I am worried about STDs but wonder if sex with a condom is even worth it--they are so icky. I hate bringing it up, and so far no one has been real enthused about the idea of a condom. Sigh. 3. How can post D types, resist the tempation to get too close too soon, rather than dating a wide field? Ya know, when I was single last time, I had pretty good "brakes" sexually. I seem to have lost them along the way somewhere. I have astonished myself with how quickly a kiss goes to a burning need. I guess at least I won't have to worry about those female viagra type pills, if anything I should take something to put a damper on desire!
So lets talk. What is working, what isn't working, how do we sort through this aspect of moving on with our lives?
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Hi Second Chances: Well, this is timely for me since I have had and still have similar concerns and questions. I have had the best luck meeting people from Online Dating, but you have to really be careful, weed out the good from the bad, only give your cel number, meet for coffee in a public place etc. I had a few coffee dates, a couple went on for a few more dates etc and prior to that I dates "as friends" a few people I had known from the bb here. Finally, now, I have met a wonderful man from Online Dating. Our first meeting was for dinner since we live 75 min apart and we chatted online and then on the phone for a month first. Our first date was very warm and friendly. Its been 2 months now and I have lost interest in meeting others - feel maybe its better for me to date only one person and give that relationship the attention it deserves.
Sexually, I really don't know how to bring up the condom discussion tactfully and I have toyed with it. I never seem to have one in my hand at the right time. I never had to use them in my marriage and I dated very little prior to marriage - my husband was my first and only lover. My lack of experience doesn't seem to be hurting, but my new man wants to go slow. I still am not sure how to discuss safe sex, testing, STDs and condoms. I have been tested and would share that with him since I was terrified when I learned that my H was cheating, but still having sex with me. My new man seems a little uncomfortable with intimacy.
I, too, worry about trying to get too close too soon. I think its usually the guy that pushes, but I can see myself trying to do it too. New guy did all of the asking out on dates etc until a week ago. Now I have invited twice but hate to take over that role. I DO find that other people in your life seem to think of you as a couple very early on. My daughter already refers to him as the possibility of being a step dad. I don't even want to go there. I doubt he is thinking in those terms either.
I guess my thought is that if a R is working (80% is good since nothing is perfect, but there is room to grow and build) then you should just take it one day at a time and see how you feel. So far that is working for me, but the insecurity is still there. How can it not be after the man I trusted most in the world lied, cheated and continues to cruelly abuse me. I just know that new guy is sweet, kind, has a good heart and treats me well. That's good for me right now. What do you think?
I felt compelled to venture onto this post. Many of you know that I have had one post-d R with Dr. J - a fellow LBS that came to a narrowing stop after 18 months. Many of those who'd followed my story with Dr. J have affirmed that more than likely Dr. J ventured into his own MLC now.
A few months ago, I checked out & signed onto a free web-site called "Single Christians Network". I'd received/sent a number of contacts from various people all over the world (the fun part)...and really connected with one gentlemen who resides 1200 miles away (safe, in my opinion) and the alignment in our personalities was a plus. Prior to my dad's passing, we had agreed to meet face to face; and it took place this weekend. No matter HOW much you find in common with each other - you HAVE to approach these R's as "friendships" first - and in my experience, while this gentlemen is a friend, I can tell you that we won't be going beyond that. Why? It turned out this man was in part, what he'd profiled himself to be: a faith-strong Christian man from the south (GENTLEMAN/Rett Butler type - deep south!), intelligent, high morals and values in check - he was also needy, and misrepresented himself physically (claimed he was 5'6" with a "physical" body type)...he was actually a little shorter than me and was hardly what I would have called physical (5'2-1/2 weighing in at 225#) - (NOW when you're done chuckling...) - my point is this: I made a new friend; we talked and laughed and I gave him a tour of Mall of America, took him to church and around the Twin Cities; he gave me a couple of books, and fed me a couple of meals. It was good. It was too long and there wasn't a romantic connection on my part, but I felt there WAS one for him. Logistics are an issue. Would I do it again? Maybe, but not from one so far away, and not for a two-day long date.
There are PLENTY of nice people in the world; I don't think we need to be "coupled" to know that, but we are human and we need to approach this second phase of our lives a little more cautiously. In the meantime? Do you know of anyone who is single, 5'10", 200#, dark hair and eyes that has a strong christian base in their lives and is looking to meet a nice lady? (tee hee) KIDDING~!!!!
I think the really hard consideration is TRUST. A new relationship needs trust, and that is the hardest issue we face. I've seen younger DBers snap back fairly quickly, because altho they may have been betrayed, abused, disillusioned, and cracked...maybe not broken all the way through.
So if you can muster trust, and if the new partner is fully healed in that department, I think a new and healthy relationship is possible.
It's when both of you are broken and untrusting...that's when it might be much, much harder.
I've been divorced since August and still don't feel like I want to try another trust relationship. I don't mind having dinner, playing tennis, skiing...but the thought of something physical just kinda makes me sick. Habit? Trust? Fear of STSs? Probably a combination. But it is interesting to read about other people's fears of intimacy too.
Maybe stubborn me is still just unwilling to accept that what I believed in with all my heart is gone.
And there ARE couples who have met online, in DB, in singles clubs who HAVE formed new and healthy relationships. So at least we all have hope.
I'm not sure it's a matter of age, gd. I don't distrust men in general, just because my STBX turned out to be untrustworthy.
My feeling is, if I get zonked again, so be it. I had R's before H that didn't work out. That's just life. Granted, it will be weird not to be married to H, after 33 years, but looking back, it left a lot to be desired.
I tried for a darn long time to pull it off and now I'm ready to move on and taking chances is part of that. Don't mean with STD's , just with R's.
I think if you know somebody well enough to sleep with them, you should know them well enough to be able to discuss anything with them.
Know trust is an issue with many LBS, now sure why it isn't for me. Im many other areas, I am a complete coward. Go figure...
I have to agree with GD1 that trust is the biggest issue for me. I find myself so up with new guy, but then the next day all my doubts creep in again. Then he calls and everything is good. I have been very careful not to let him be aware of my trust issues and doubts because he has NEVER given me anything to worry about with him or mistrust him. I just believe that trust has to be earned and only through repeated, consistent behaviour does one learn to count on the other person.
In my situation, new guy has never been married and has no children. That makes some things easier. Perhaps, some things are more difficult too. He is somewhat set in his ways. Its harder for him to understand my relationship with my children (although my kids like him and he supports the things I do with them). I also wonder if someone who is in his 40s and never married would actually WANT to get married in time. Who knows? For now - I am just enjoying the company of a fine, respectful man.
Grrrrr, I just did a LONG post here and it disappeared! Anyway, I thought trust would be a huge issue with me--it was an issue in my M, and I am a real stickler for honesty. To my surprise, I've found it pretty easy to let men who matter to me know that honesty is non negotiable, but I've also been very trusting. Maybe too trusting, but I have to keep in mind that these are not spouses, we are not accountable to each other like spouses would be.
I also had thought I'd have some trouble feeling attracted to/being intimate with men who were not my wasband; I could not have been more wrong. In fact, if anything, it seems too easy, so I'd better watch it!
So far, the MWM (men who matter) have also been divorced, and part/lots of our talking have been about that. I guess it's part of everyone's healing process, but sometimes I wonder if I've been too honest, made myself too vulnerable to share all that.... Sometimes I wish I could meet someone, and D/recovery not be a topic.... but realistically, it's part of my experience, and at my age, it's likely gonna be part of their experience too. It seems that post D relationships require lots of talking, understanding each others' pasts, issues, etc, so maybe it's unavoidable.
My sister urged me to try online dating. EHarmony did not suit me, as they would not let me add some of my own criterion-- so I kept getting "matches" that weren't my idea of matches. I tried another, and emailed, talked to and even met one guy-- but I'm pretty lukewarm on the whole thing. I'm thinking I'd rather just meet folks in person, I think I can do better in the produce section of the grocery store than with the matches I get online.
I am looking into some singles groups... I have a couple new friends that are terrific. We do a lot together-- and support each other in down times. I'm not sure if I've technically dated or not. I haven't had the kind of date where they come to your house, knock on the door, take you to dinner and bring you home. I've gone out with male friends; probably my closest things to dating involved travel for him or me-- and long weekends spent together. I guess they were dates, but typically on a date you just bring a purse, there is no luggage involved?
I'm just wondering how to go about meeting someone, who will then ask me out on a "normal" date. And once I do that, how to repeat it a number of times.
I think I'm tired and rambling, so I will just stop now.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Good thread. I really think we need a new forum for moving on after divorce.
In answer to SC's questions:
1. I've never dated a guy I wasn't friends with first. Call me a chicken but dating a stranger is scary to me. I've had 2 post-DB relationships; 1 fellow DB'er (don't recommend it) and the guy I've been with for almost a year. We met through a mutual friend who set us up for a business deal.
2. It's 2004 - carry your own condoms and if the times comes when one is needed, pull it out of your purse and put it in his hand. If he's insulted or uncomfortable, RUN! Don't play russian roullette with your life just because you don't want to make anyone feel awkward. If you don't know his whole sexual history (and don't ask for it during the heat of the moment!) or have test results, then use a condom! I've always known the history beforehand, because I was always friends first (yes, my friends and I have weird, personal conversations) so I knew when to be extra extra careful. But then, I am the paranoid type anyway but better paranoid and healthy than making a huge mistake out of lust.
3. Hmmmm... I'm no help there. I rushed into 2 relationships too fast. 1st one I allowed the guy to move in within weeks (knew him for almost a yr though) because he had no where to live. Fellow DB'ers, lonely after a year of celabicy (sp?), low self-esteem from being rejected by my XH a million times... you get the picture. HUGE mistake. 2nd guy - he was one of my best friends and we commisserated together about life and love. We moved fast too. 1 day we're friends, the next we're a couple after a few too many drinks. We got engaged after 3 months and moved in together. Too fast, we've had our share of problems. I love my fiance' but if I had to do it over I would have had lots of platonic dates with different men before settling down. I have no regrets but it would've been easier if we had taken things slower.
Looking back now at the mistakes I made, if I was to date again, I'd make a list. A wish list of what I wanted in a man, nothing too detailed or demanding, but something to keep me focused so if my self-esteem did take a nosedive I wouldn't be easily sidetracked by someone who wasn't good for me or compatible with all my quirks and dreams.
And I definitely wouldn't date a fellow DB'er. Yes, great group of people here but by dating a DB'er, they already know all your intimate details, mistakes, and insecurities and can use them against you. Honestly, how many successful relationships have come from this board between DB'ers? I've only seen 1 and they've had their share of problems too. That's the best scenario, worse case could be something like mine (you can read the whole disgusting story on my threads). Plus, if it doesn't work out, where can you post? Who can you talk to? Your sacred place here is now invaded by an X. Not good.
On-Line Dating... I actually know a few couples who met on-line and are still together after 3+ years, but 95% of them don't work out. Actually, I only know 2 couples who met on-line and are still together - but both couples started as an affair. 1 couple has major problems, and the other couple is a little screwed up with a lot of other problems.
Every happy couple I've ever met throughout my life all met through friends or groups (school, church, etc). Besides, with mutual acquaintances, you can double-check to make sure they aren't crazy or stalkers.
I found the best way to meet new people was to join groups that I was interested in. I joined a small non-profit group that brings live jazz and blues to our community once a month. We get together, at a private club, once a month from September to June. I met a ton of new friends there. I also belong to an alternative film group similar to the above. I think it can be any group that you share an interest in.
2. has anyone figured out the safe sex thing?
This is such an important issue that there's just no way to get around it. Before you actually get to the intimacy stage you have to ask about your new friend's sexual behavior. Ask how many people they've been intimate with since their marriage ended. Ask if they've ever allowed themselves to be tested. Only with good information can you make an informed decision.
In my first post separation friendship, it was the woman who asked the above questions. I found her candor to be refreshing. In my case there hadn't been anyone else. I had myself tested after I learned about OM in my XW's R. It was negative. I shared those things with my new friend. She was equally candid about her sexual behavior. From there it became a trust issue as to whether or not to have unprotected sex.
In my current relationship I've done the same thing. Asked candid questions. If people are awkward about answering, you can probably make bet there's something to hide. But it's an individual call.
3. How can post D types, resist the tempation to get too close too soon,
LOL... well, that seems to be a "patience" thingy.
I guess in my case I was comfortable going slow. Build a friendship first. And then take it from there. Certainly DBing has taught me to be patient in any relationship.
I think you have to set some values for yourself. For me personally it was more about building a friendship first.
When I first joined the above groups a lot of single / separated women came onto me. And fast! I actually found that (coming on) both flattering and scarey. It's good for the ego to know that someone wants you.
I think when our spouses drop the bomb we can do a lot of things. We can cry, plead etc. We can start to drink heavily. We can also go out and have a lot of sex with other people. Based on personal beliefs it was fairly easy to make good choices. At least for me it was.
, just with R's. 
I actually found that (coming on) both flattering and scarey. It's good for the ego to know that someone wants you.