I understand how hard it is for you now. I have experienced it for one day. It was terrible.
But I am sure your kids are supportig you. Soon or later your H will miss you and reconsider the whole situation. By then he will be more committed to work on your M.
I have a couple friends. The W left the H and took the kids with her. She is a dentist and can afford to buy another new house. After 4 years of S and experienced depression, she finally realized that she also contributed to the problem in their M. So they sold their two previous houses and bought a new one and moved in together again as a family. They are both very committed to work on their M now. She gave me advice last year. She said that my W will also wake up once she has tried to live alone. I hope your H will also realize how much he misses what you do for the family. He probably takes them for granted. Your kids will provide you with moral support. They will comfort you. Try to live a happy life for now even without your H.
My A told me last time that you can draft a asset settlement agreement even in a S. You just don't enforce it until officially D. There still hope. But don't raise your expectation. I'll pray for you. Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Please take the time to really take care of yourself right now. Let everything and everyone else take care of themselves for a little while.
Remember, you'll be OK no matter what happens. It's good that you have D18 there for you. Take things slow and ask H for whatever time you need.
I never separated but many others with more experience have said that sometimes it helps the situation. My H's therapist told him that sometimes you have to separate to know what you're doing.
Thanks guys!! It is very comforting to know that others know and care.
This has been an unsettling evening. I had not heard from H since I told him goodbye Wed. night as he was walking out of our bedroom.
About the time I normally start to fix supper H called and wanted to know how things were going. I told H I was just starting supper for S14 and myself...that the girls were working. H already knew the girls were working and was shocked when I told him S14 was home. H said he didn't think S14 would be back from camp until Sat. night.
So.....H called when he thought no one else would be home...hmmmm.
Anyhow, we ended up talking for about 20 minutes and it was one of the nicest, most relaxed talks we have had in FOREVER! (I just hated the subject matter!!) H said he drove an hour to his mom's last night, told her he was leaving me, not sure about a separation or D, and that I was 100% against this whole thing. His mom apparantly told him that there was no need to rush into anything. I told H that I agreed and thought we should try a separation for awhile.
I told H I was in the process of fixing supper and that he could join us if he wanted. He said he would.
But, this is what I mean about knowing H still cares.....I have several plants at H's office and had not been in to water them this week (I was planning on having one of the kids bring them home this weekend but hadn't told H that). Anyhow, H brought up the fact that they hadn't been watered and said he would do it if I would tell him how. H has NEVER watered a plant in his life....and I thougt it was very touching that he would offer to take care of mine.
H then said that he had a check for my lawyers retainer fee and some extra for me and the kids and he would deposit that tonight. H wanted to know what to do about the checking account and kind of hinted that we leave things the way they are now and just work it out. (We have one account that my paycheck goes into and H just gives me money when I ask). I told him that until things were permanent (as in D) that that would be OK.
H then said that he didn't have a bed or a place to stay tonight and asked if he could stay in the basement tonight. I told him that was fine. H then went on to say that he had found a place today, that he had looked at a couple and explained in detail where it was at, the landlords, what the place was like...... To be honest, I didn't want to know, but it seemed like it was important for H to tell me.
H came for supper, had to go back to the office for awhile and then will spend the night here. It is just so weird.
Then, H asked if we could take S14 shopping tomorrow for a queen sized bed since he has outgrown his twin. So, that will be a few hours spent with H tomorrow. We also have a send off for D18 on Sunday from the Notre Dame alumni....so that will be more time together.
Honestly, I don't know if I am up to all this togetherness....I think it will be very hard to keep my composure around H.
I had told him the other night that if we do D, then I wanted to see him as little as possible. I guess those same feeling don't hold true in a separation. Maybe, to me, if it comes to a D, then I know in my heart that will be then end of the line. But, with just a separation, there is still hope.
So Kelli....H is still planted on that darn fence, but at least now both feet are on one side (not the side I would like!) but he hasn't quite jumped off.
On the phone H asked if I had told any of the kids and I told him "no". Since D18 knows we HAVE to tell them soon.
What is so frustrating is that Wed. night after H asked for the D and again on the phone and at supper tonight, H and I have had the easiest, most relaxed conversations.....it is almost like we have bared our souls and the suspicion and anger is gone. If we could keep that up I really do think there could be hope.
Raindeer, In4Ride.....I do think a separation will be good for us, or at least for me. 2 1/2 of walking around eggshells is gone, and H is finally making a some form of decision. We will just see where we go from here.
I don't know how to handle this. H spent the night. He was going to sleep in the basement but S14 had a bunch of friends over so he really couldn't. I told him he could sleep in our bed and I would sleep on the twin in son's room. This morning H made coffee, read the paper and is now working in the garage on the front door lock which had broked ages ago.
It is so hard having him here yet knowing he is leaving.
H, S14 and I are leaving in a little bit to get son a queen sized bed since he has outgrown his twin. (H is just as tall as son but has asked if he could take son's bed for his apartment...and I said that was OK). I sure hope H can sleep on it better than I did last night!!
One thing I have noticed this morning is a lack of tension between H and I....and that is a good thing.
When my W told me she wanted to move out last year, we could talk very well like friends. Maybe once decision is made, you feel better. But my W cancelled her moving out. It have been 3 times now.
I think it is good for your H to live alone for a while. It certainly make him misses you and family more. When he is back, he will appreciate more what he was missing.
My W left only for 9 hours. Not long enough for her to miss the family. So she still isn't committed to work on out R. She is lingering on her depression and MLC. See from positive side of your situation. I do believe your H has not made up his mind yet. It is hard to leave the family. Otherwise he would have told your kids about it. He felt guilty. He needs to work on himself and find out his true feeling. Then he can works on your R.
Try to live your live to the fullest without H. Don't give up hope yet. I'll pray for you.
I am not sure that H moving out will make him "miss" us. H has lived on his own twice for a year at a time when the Marines shipped him overseas, and then many times for months at a time when he was sent to school or training.
This has been the strangest weekend. H, S14 and I wento the city shopping on Sat. for a queen sized bed for S14. We had a wonderful day with joking and laughter and pleasant conversation. By the time we got the bed home and set up it was getting kind of late.
I asked H if he had electricity yet at his new place and he said "yes, why?" I told him if he didn't have the electricity turned on he stay in one the of extra beds here. H asked me where I would prefer him to stay....and of course I said "here".
We had loaded son's bed into the pickup. It was supposed to rain so I offered to move my car so the pickup could be put into the garage. H said he thought he would just take the bed to the trailer. H then putzed around for a little bit and I could tell he wanted to talk. I did not ask what was on his mind, but a little later H asked if I would like to see the trailer he had rented, and I said I would.
How weird is it to help a H set up a bed in a trailer he is moving into. I helped H reassemble the bed and even put the sheets on. H then showed me around the place, even opening all the closets and drawers. It seemed very important to H that I like the place, and the location. In different ways I told H that he was lucky to find such a gem of a place.
We then went back home and H was loaded some stuff onto my computer and we watched a little tv. It was such a nice day and totally free of the tension that has been there for the past couple of years.
We spent yesterday in the city with both S14 and D18. We went to a social for D18 and spent the rest of the day shopping for the kids for school. It was a great day together. H was kind, pleasant, thoughtful and just nice to be around. It is almost like once the decision was made to move out that H is no longer looking for ways to criticize me. Or maybe it is that H is taking what I say and do at face value and not trying to find harmful, hurtful underlying meaning in my words and actions. Or, maybe he is just more at peace with himself since making a decision and he is not carrying his frustrations out on me. Whatever happened, it has made communication with H a lot more pleasant.
At one point while we were shopping H even put his fingers in the middle of my back to indicate I was to go first. I about died from the contact....to me that is a very intimate gesture, and since H hasn't touched me in months it was wonderful.
We got home kind of late and H started working on D18's computer. Around 11 I told H he could stay here again if he wanted. H then said that we needed to talk about that. We are having a birthday party for S14 on Friday and H asked if it would be OK if he just stayed here until that was over. I agreed to that.
H is not taking being here for granted. He has kept his dirty clothes in his suitcase and would take them elsewhere to wash them. However, I did tell him I was doing laundry today if he needed anything washed so he did dig out his dirty clothes. Since H did not expect me to do them, I do not feel like a maid since I am.
I am not sure what today will bring or even if H will be here for lunch and supper.....but it is something I am not going to worry about. H is on his own journey now and I am just watching from the sidelines.
This is the best time to db. The tension is gone, H is calm, and you're interacting. Now's the time to show him the woman he married all over again. It helps to think of it as back when you we first dating - how did you act then to get a guy interested? You were on your best dbing behavior. You'll never have a better opportunity than right now.
After my H made his decision to move out was when we started to reconnect again. I had to listen to all his talk about moving out, making changes in his apartment, what stuff he was going to take from the house - and it was very difficult not to react when I just wanted to throw up. But, you have to be as upbeat, considerate, and friendly as you can possibly be. Becoming best friends at this stage is the key.
But I think it was the fact that everything was so pleasant and I was dbing my a$$ off, as we say, that made him rethink his decision. I didn't know whether I was fighting a losing battle or not, but I will never regret it because I ended up becoming the person I used to be, and that H fell in love with the first time.
Your H is hanging around, he obviously still cares for you and still likes you. You just have to make him feel comfortable still doing that, making it more comfortable than being away from you. No pressure, no talks - it's all up to him now. Just go with the flow. I think it's very interesting that he wanted you to see his place, and that you're opinion still counts with him. Keep dropping the rope and let him control things. Start thinking about some more 180's. It was good that you let him bring up the seeing the trailer - that's the way to handle it. He sounds a bit like my H - he'll eventually tell you almost everything if you just let him do it at his own speed.
Despite the separation, you're still in a good place to make progress.
I agree with you on the whole separation thing. H has to do what HE feels must be done, and do it in his own time. The tension being gone is absolutely wonderful and it makes interactions so much more natural.
I was in the garden when H left this morning so I did not see him before he left. I had 3 kids home for lunch, so I just fixed things as normal. I wasn't sure if H would be here or not, but there was no way I was calling to ask. I am really trying to give him space and let him call the shots. Well, about 15 before or normal lunch time H called. He started to say something about lunch until D18 picked up the phone. Since I knew she was on the other line, I told H I was fixing goulash and it would be ready in about 10 min. H then spoke briefly to D18, she hung up, then H said he would be home shortly.....and he was.
D18 is the only one of the kids we have actually told about the separation and she is really confused about why H is still here. I just told her I wasn't asking questions, I was just taking things one day at a time.
I honestly do feel that H will be moving out, but at his own pace. Although he has asked to stay here until after Friday, H still has his suitcase in the bedroom and keeps his dirty clothes there and his shaving kit. I helped him move his bed to his trailer and we have talked about which tv to take and which comforter. We have 3 large tvs in the house, but H asked to take the small one in our bedroom. H has not come right out and said it, but I know he does not want to disrupt the house by taking stuff out that we would miss. He is also mindful of what all this is costing.
I agree with In4Ride, use the opportunity to do DBing while the tention was gone.
I experience few times with my W. We could talk better after she decided to move out. The longer your H is staying in your house, the more difficult for him to make decision to move out. Going on assignment temporarily is very different than moving out (S). You can't look forward to go home anymore. It makes you sad. That's why I believe strongly that your H will miss you and the kids once he moves out. He will think about what will the life be without you and the kids. Not the same as going on business trip.
Raindeer.....I do think that the only way to win is to DB...so am doing my best!
I had a really tough moment this afternoon. Friday night when H came home he told me he had put some financial stuff from his business in with some paperwork I needed to work on. I just looked at it today and in with the financial stuff was a sheet of address labels for his trailer. It was incredibly sad.
I had mentioned at noon that we had to eat early since S14 had a commitment tonight. At the time H sounded like he would like to be here since 3 of our kids would be here. Come time to eat, no H. I thought long and hard about not calling him, but I did. H had forgotten we were eating early and said he would run out of the office and be home in a few minutes....which he was. He did seem pleased that I called.
H and I spent the rest of the evening in the sunroom. H was working on computers and researching stuff and I was sewing. For the most part it was a pleasant evening. H even told me when he was headed to bed.
I WILL enjoy the time we have together because I know in my heart that it is limited.
