I wish I know what our WAS is thinking. But I don't know what advice I can give you on intimacy matter.
Yesterday I came home. The kids were very happy to see me. My W did not say anything. I just act as if and did not react. I bought a music DVD for her, sport pants for S and 3 DVDs for D. This time I bought myself also an expensive Swiss watch. I have never spoiled myself like that before. I can afford it and no need to ask from anybody permission. My W and I used to have agreement about to discuss first before spending more than $1K. She did not ask me now. I don't need to ask her also. We live like two roommates.
Wed I will see my S's C for the first time. I hope she can help my S.
I think your H's response is a good sign. He sounds as if he's tentatively moving towards you. If he were not interested at all, the celibacy comment would have sent him running in the other direction. Is he trying to tell you he needs to take it reeeaaall slowly? You know he might be very insecure and/or nervous after all this time.
I think it's very interesting that he came home in a good mood after that comment, especially when he was obviously in a bad mood before that. Could the intimacy thing be a control issue for him?
I certainly know where you're coming from, it's been more than 8 mos celibate for me and not very often before that either. My H seems perfectly content to go on like this forever. I just try to avoid thinking about it because like you, that one issue tends to really depress me and piss me off. My friends keep asking how long I'm going to put up with it. Who knows!
I really am not understanding the whole celibacy issue. for 2 years after the bomb we still had regular sex, but for the last 4 months there has been nothing. My thinking though is that H knows "touch" is my LL, and by not touching me in any way he is then not giving me any hope. So, in one aspect it seems like a cotrol issue.
I honestly thought that I would get some reaction out of H with the celibacy comment, but that was on Thurs. and he and S14 left Sunday for a week long canoe trip, and there was nothing from H. Although I must admit that H seemed less tense than normal.
H, S14 and I went shopping Fri. night for more canoe stuff H had a special discount for a 2 days. I had told H that there was a pair of shorts that I wanted there and found them first thing. After looking for a couple of hours for H's stuff, we went to check out, and I thought it was very thoughtful that H asked to make sure I still had the shorts I wanted.
On Sunday, H went to the office and got home just in time to jump in the pickup to head for the canoe trip. H did have to run in the house to grab a couple of things and was just like the H I used to know; very excited but yet still wanting to make sure things were OK for me for the week.
On his way downstairs, he stopped on the landing and looked up at me with a quizzical look on his face. He commented that I had mentioned going away for a couple of weeks while he was gone. It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about. (It finally dawned on me that I had told son a couple of months ago that I might be gone for a week or so....but I had never mentioned it to H.) I told H I had cancelled my plans a couple of days ago and left it at that. When we got downstairs I told H that I had kind of planned on taking a class for a couple of weeks but didn't feel that I had the time now. H sure looked relieved at that explanation!
I just have this gut feeling that H is on the verge of making a commitment. And when he does, he will be firm with that commitment and go full throttle in carrying it out. Now, if I just had a clue as to whether that will be a commitment to the M or to a D, I would be in much better shape.
I think he's deciding to stick around, and make a commitment to his family. I saw some of that with my H, when he decided to turn around. Keep it up, including dropping a 2x4 every now and then. I really think if he had wanted a commitment to a D, he would have done it when he had the paperwork in hand.
I believe your H is making effort to work on your M. I know it is slow. It is very frustrating. But I think your H is worth a wait.
I have asked my W to make decision between me and the om last nite. I can't stand anymore and decided to end the current situation. I will accept whatever is the outcome.
Don't let that feeling he's about to make some kind of decision make you start asking questions. IMO, this is the time to really take the pressure off and let him feel comfortable. I agree with others that he is working toward the M. Maybe your celibacy comment reassured him that you still want him after all that's happened? Sounds to me as if he wanted to linger a little with you before his trip, and he's been thinking about what you might be doing while he's gone.
I think now it's more important than ever for you to act happy about life in general and optimistic about the M (without any R talks).
We're both afraid to hope but it's the only way to go. I have even felt a subtle 'shift change' with my H in the past week, but like you, I'm afraid it may be my imagination. H is being really considerate and seems to be going out of his way to be thoughtful. Just little things but they're the type of things that seemed to be a huge burden to him during the MLC anger stage.
It's hard to see the progress from where you are, but to an outside observer it looks good.
Thanks for the encouragement that you all think H is planning on sticking around for awhile.
H has been working like a mad-man the last few weeks to finish up an addition to our deck that he started last summer (and finished it last Sat.) H told me last Sept. that he had had D papers drawn up in July but hadn't served them yet because he was trying to fix the house up so I would have a nice place to live. I then asked him why he started on a project like the deck since we already had a nice one. H said that it was something he thought I would like....and then wanted me to confirm that I liked it....which, of course, I did. (Even though I could care less about it and it is not at all like I would have built if I had been asked ) So, the deck being finished and H seeming almost possessed to finish has me on edge a little.
H and S14 left last Sun. on their canoe trip and it has been such an unbelievably relaxing week for me. I wasn't worried about where H was or who he was with and I had NO expectations for phone calls since they were not close to a phone and there was no way to recharge H's cell.
However, S14 DID call me twice this week. Son would not have thought to call so I know H suggested he call his mom. At the end of both conversations with S14 he asked me if I wanted to talk to H and I said only if H wanted to talk to me about something. Both times S14 then asked H if H wanted to talk to me, and he did. Conversations were not terribly long but they were nice.
My eggshell free week comes to an end tomorrow, but this has been a nice break.
Your comment about an eggshell-free week reminded me that when I stopped worrying about tiptoeing around, things seemed to get better. What I mean is, that I stopped taking responsibility for his bad or distant moods and if he was having one, I just went about my business as if it had nothing to do with me. If it lasted more than a few minutes, I just removed myself to another part of the house or left altogether. I think the point got across to H that if he had a problem it was up to him to do something (I wasn't even in the room so how could it be my fault?).
I think in the old days we had some weird dynamic going where he would get into a bad mood and keep it up until I was in a bad mood also. Then he would be fine and I would not be. Or I would ask him what was the matter and somehow the problem seemed to become my fault.
I say forget about the eggshells sometimes. As long as you're not doing anything that a reasonable person would object to, I say break 'em and let him worry about it. My H seemed to snap out of it better when I did that instead of worrying myself. A lot of times I didn't even acknowledge that H was in a bad mood, just acted as if everything in my world was great, see ya.
Don't know if this helps or even applies. Just my 2 cents.
In4ride....I think that we are about in the same boat as far as where our sitch's are at, or at least some of the same thinking patterns. I am with you on the walking out of the room, not taking the blame for whatever is ailing H, and enjoying myself even if H is a grump.
I had a call on Father's Day from D23 and it is still bothering me. For starters, she called to talk to me and would not talk to H so I didn't tell H she had called. I made a comment that H had made about buying a canoe next summer if we were still here. D23 wanted to know if that meant one of may not be here.
Since no one knows exactly what is wrong with our M, D was taking a guess that it is something serious. She then went on to ask why I didn't fix what was wrong, that she knows I am not happy in this M. I told her I am working on it.
What really bothers me is that she is engaged but is not 100% happy with her relationship with her guy. I told her to not settle for anything less than wonderful, expecially since they are not married yet. She said, "Why, you have. I am just waiting to see what you are going to do about dad before I make a decision". She remembers how happy and loving H and I were up until his A started 3 years ago, she just doesn't know the reason why things aren't good now.
I just feel it puts more of a burden on me to get this show on the road....
Wishing, I think it puts more of a burden on you to have some heart to hearts with your daughter.
How long have you been married? Quite a while, I am certain. And after all these years, the "worse" has reared its ugly head. BECAUSE of the history you have with your H, you are making every effort to save your M.
To START a M, even before the wedding, unhappy is another thing all together. They are not the same. I know that the first year can be incredibly difficult, but if your daughter is questioning things, maybe you can help her sort out her feelings, whatever they may be.
You can't hurry up your sitch... if you could this bb would not exist (except for one post from you!) but you can talk openly and honestly with your daughter. You don't have to mention the A, and you certainly don't want to poison her against your H, but it may be time to let her know that trouble can and does exist in marriages. JMHO
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
) So, the deck being finished and H seeming almost possessed to finish has me on edge a little.