Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Sorry to hear the kids’ Grandpa had a stroke. A cold emotionless text from Dad is a sad way to convey such news to the kids.

It sounds like your kids handled themselves just fine. Yes, they were surprised that Dad was at the hospital this time, yet figured their way through the interaction with some guidance from you.

They see what’s going on: Dad’s behaviour - black toenail polish (wow!); his utilizing the only chair without sharing; his lack of interest in them and anything really; and so on.

What else can I say to them? Should I give advice? I don't know what to ever say or not say. They continue to struggle. They're hurting so much.

MG, I think your kids are doing well. True, they likely hurt in the moment when visiting with Dad there, and later - feelings flitted away. Be careful not to project your struggling and feelings onto the kids. I did that and had to realize, and effort to see how my kids were actually feeling and coping.

Your kids noticed and told you of Dad’s new behaviours, even laughed about it all. Seeing the humour in this is not in meanness, just a way of rationalizing and coping. If one didn’t laughed they’d cry.

Take heart, in my viewpoint, your kids are not struggling. Well, not with a capital S, small s struggling. Normal, figuring it out kind of stuff. After all, it is a pretty bizzaro world that dear old Dad is presently living in.

What advice, what else you can say to your kids? Validate their feelings and listen to their interpretations of Dad’s behaviours and interactions, or lack thereof. Continue to rationalize the factual details and events. Gently steering as required. Feelings and facts. Discuss feelings, and lead or make decisions based on facts.

- - - -

[D] isn't at peace but has accepted that dad is absent and is acting cowardly. She is also the one who has done more sharing of her feelings over the last 2 years. S is struggling and I find out tonight from D just how much he's struggling.

Careful with Struggling diagnosis. Son is walking his journey to acceptance.

Girls/women in general, share their feelings more than boys/men do. Daughter has done so with you over the past two year and is more open with the situation than son. Through her lens, she feels brother is struggling since he doesn’t share as freely. Perhaps brother is just a different path, and not stuck.

S wants to talk to H. He wants to hear it from his dad. He wants confirmation that he strayed. D told S that dad will lie and won't confess. Wise. S agreed and is still feeling the need to talk to dad.

To me, this is the crux of son’s present journey. He is not struck, nor unhealthily struggling, he is coming to terms with confronting Dad. Look, as a son seeing your Father, your hero, the man you inspired to be fall from grace, fall from the pedestal; that’s a lot to accept.

Guys and gals handle problems and stresses differently. Most times guys face problems head on, or deny them. Son is coming around to facing this head on.

Son is getting, growing, to the point when he can risk losing Dad. At first kids cannot risk losing their parent and project and lash out at the strong stable parent. Eventual they find their way and will turn their feelings towards the appropriate warranted target.

S also told D that he's not talking to me as much because I remind him of dad and he doesn't want to think about dad. Hmmm. Certainly I had noticed that S calls fewer times. S told her, I know I'm being avoidant and I don't want to be. I know it's unhealthy, but it's hard to talk with mom now.

Ok - this is good. S has awareness. Admitting to the problem is step 1.

Be patient. Son is shifting.

What are your suggestions? S may never tell me he's struggling. What can I do? I can't let him know that D told me. Yet, I want to help him open up. You know I've been struggling here and I'm still here. I know I can't make S speak. Do I apply the same DB skills? Give space? Let him come to me? Listen when/if he does.

And, any idea why he's struggling to talk to me?

Keep being strong stable you. Son will come around.

In effort to help him open up. You should reframe that. The way you say/see it, you are making it a problem. And son will live up to whatever expectations you set.

Instead, effort to foster better communication. I suspect you are trying/expecting to talk with son. Directly. Face to face. Or with a phone call. How about text? Or better, a letter? Yes, the paper kind, not email. Something tangible. Hand written. Personable. The power of the written word is interesting. It unconsciously illustrates and promotes care, worth, investment in the recipient. After all, you had to invest time to do it.

A different approach. A different communication may reach son differently. He may feel more comfortable in replying and thus speaking to with you. (Yes, strive for speaking with and not to each other.)

A letter, the written word, is not usually recommended for communication with our wayward spouse. The permanence of it, its charm, and such work against our DB efforts. However, these are the very characteristics you are utilizing to reach son, as son’s situation is not H’s. Other efforts like giving space and time for son to come around are similar. (Just wanted to make clear how DBing skills and tactics are not uniformly transferable.)

As for what to actually write. Or how. I’d likely start with text. Kids nowadays talk by text. Short bits of content and duration. Open up a line of communication (not a questionnaire lol). Funny pictures or memes break the ice pretty well.

Later, a letter showing how proud you are of son and his life. Acknowledging what he, and all of you, have had to face and overcome accept. Letting him clearly know that you are there for him, whenever he needs to talk or just wants to shoot the sh__.

You may not get a speedy response, or any response. But it will be heard, and that will likely be enough. After all, we are their parent, not their best friend. Trust son. He is, and will, talk to daughter. And he will come around.

D shares her own feelings and then asks to change the subject. Doesn't want to talk about it for long. Her approach is to say it out loud and drop it. I'm thinking I need to be a better listener....

You know her approach, go with it. Saying something aloud makes it real. Very powerful stuff, speaking aloud. Never discount it.

And never discount the power of just being there to listen. Speaking aloud requires a listener, a witness. A most important role.

And so the dance continues. Half conversations. Again, do I say too much? Is it me? Is it how she processes?


His fairies and unicorns are hurting my cubs and I feel helpless.

You only feel helpless. You are not actually helpless.

Dad’s fairies and unicorns do not have the power to hurt or control you or your kids’ emotions/feelings. They just don’t. They may trigger something. And you guys let it go.

Hoping you have a wonderful Sunday.

D

[MamaG]

I'll hold space. Give time. DnJ thanks for the reminder that mars and venus are different. Somehow, I lose sight of this. You and Grok kindly remind me. Something I need to really learn rather than passively hear and forget.
If from your seat, I'm projecting my struggling, I have some relief. I'd prefer to reshape my thoughts and beliefs than to know they're struggling.
Time. I'll watch this one and play it out.

Sent S a couple of videos and pictures from this weekend's bday party we attended. And also thanked him for making the trip. Coming home for a family party is an entire day's event - between traveling and the celebration, it is a time absorber. I really do appreciate him showing up despite the distance. And, I'm thinking through the idea of a letter. Perhaps I start with a funny Hallmark card with a couple words. After all, everyone likes mail (that isn't a bill).

As for D, I'll listen and not fight her need to drop it. I can appreciate the value of saying it out loud.

In the end, S and D are great kids...adults. If I must say so myself, I've done well. These aren't the cards I'd want for them, but it's the hand we've been dealt and so we'll play them.

H's uncle called over the weekend to let me know that FIL had a stroke. He reminded me that I'm family and that he'll keep me updated. FIL is coming to a rehab center close to H and SIL. And, as lucky as I am, they chose the rehab place that the AP works at. That'll be a fun visit. Not sure I'll keep all my thoughts to myself should we happen to run into each other. "Thy will be done."


Uncle: Can't believe I'm the only one taking interest in his arrangements. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't get into any rehab.
M:Oh goodness, glad you're helping him.
Uncle: H and SIL (H's sis) spent 3 hours the hospital the first day and haven't returned to see their own father.
M:That's odd.
Uncle: SIL is going there today. H is going to XX.
M: Oh, sounds like he's headed to his girlfriend's family lake house. (WOAH, did I just tell his family? Man, that wasn't planned. Sounds like I'm done carrying that weight. It really just came out.)
Uncle: Oh, I don't know about anything like that.
M: Well that's good that SIL will be there today. (Gave it no more life.)

Uncle sounded like a hero. MLC of his own? Who knows?

Uncle: Well, I will keep you informed. You are family and we love you very much.
M: Thank you for calling me and I love you too.

Meanwhile, work is busier than ever. Keeps me on my toes. Earned myself a spot bonus and was thrilled with the surprise. I laughed with D that it was spent before it was paid out. The irrigation system is breaking the bank. I need to find myself a new company. And, I'm getting the patio sealed because it's been a few years.

It's been 6 weeks since nephew's grad party where dad wasn't acknowledged by me or kids. Also, 6 weeks since Father's Day that wasn't celebrated. We keep on living a life we didn't sign up for. Learning our way.