A few weeks ago I did a thing. The details don’t matter, but let’s just say I did something stupid, was completely my fault, but really was an accident. I won’t be using much of one of my fingers all summer. When it happened I told D19 that she needed to take me to the ER. H doesn’t do well with anything hospital related. I didn’t want him passing out and wasn’t sure I wanted him there. H insisted on taking me. I said no D19 will take me and again he insisted. So I let him. He kept me from going into shock on the way there. Lying there all I could think about was why the h was he even there or cared. I even told him he could leave. He told me I was being silly he wasn’t leaving.
He asked the next week what he could do to help. I told him. He’s helped a few times but mostly I get tired of waiting for him to do it and take care of it myself. Maybe that’s on me. Not sure. I have a hard time asking for help. D’s have been amazing and help whenever I ask.
Father’s Day was good. D’s were surprised I didn’t get H a card or something. I told them well I made our big breakfast. I thought H would disappear again like he usually does on Sundays but he actually wanted to hang out with D’s and I. Just like old times. D19 has really been calling him out about never being home…at least once a week it comes up.
This injury has really set me back. Two steps forward, three back. I know I can get back there I just feel like I’m starting over.
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
I sprung that dinner on him. Texted him on my way that I was going. Wasn’t going to tell him but wanted to be the better person. The next day I did a lot of cleaning so I showered late in the day. He asked if I was going out. I said I had no plans right then. He said oh I thought you would since you just showered. What? I swear some of him questions are getting weirder.
I still don’t know what we are doing for the 4th. Vacation or not. I’m not bringing this one up, it’s on him. I did find a place for the dog just in case. I mentioned that we were invited to a friends house if we didn’t go. That was a few weeks ago and he just said he didn’t know yet. This has also been dependent on his dad’s health which we just found out is fine now.
He keeps asking if I’ll be able to swim when we go on out big vacation. I told him I’d figure something out. His parents will be around for that one too. I don’t even know how I would act around them. Normal. Try not to cry.
Anyway. I’m trying to get back to that better place I was. Calm confident kind. But short on details and things he doesn’t need to know about.
Sorry to hear about your hand. Hopefully your injured finger heals quickly.
It is interesting how H took you to the hospital and remained there with you. Another insight into the duality (or more) and confusion he is living.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
Good questions, and good answers. “I don’t know” is a good honest answer. Until you really face something like betrayal due to an affair, you don’t know what you’d do. And even then, it takes lots of time to find your path.
Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself grace. It’s perfectly ok to be uncertain to such, especially while they are still rather theoretical and/or unconfirmed.
Yes, the old status quo will not be resumed. You know, and see this.
I hope your week goes well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well I’m doing kind of better. Between my finger and everything else I still kind of lose it sometimes. My finger is healing well and it’s not quite as bad as I thought it was. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. It’s crazy how this has set my confidence back.
Not going anywhere for the 4th which is fine. I feel like we would kind of be imposing on my in laws because of FILs health. Still planning the trip at the end of the month. H will be going with the girls, the plan is for me to go but who knows if that will change. H’s whole family will be there. I’m think he likes that since he can get away from me. But who knows. My MIL and I very close. We usually end up taking walks a lot in the morning. Spend a lot of time talking. I keep thinking, how in the he$$ I’m going to do this without losing it. This could be my last trip to my happy place. The place that h and have gone to even before we were married. In-laws have a condo there and we rent a cabin on the lake. The place that my kids turn down other vacations for. So many memories there. And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Otherwise status quo. Had a lot of fun with d17 and h Saturday night. H decided to play songs from our college days and we all hung out and sang and laughed. Even d17 said she has a really good time. He said bye babe as he left the other day which I’m trying to not read too much into. I slip like that every once in awhile. But he has been very careful not to so I was shocked. But again trying not to read into it.
You are correct, it’s wild what will affect one’s confidence during these situations. Believe me, the shifting between confident and questioning is perfectly normal, and temporary. Such shifting, and the emotional being dragged around, fades and confident normality does return.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Tell them, “I remained home this year” or “H and I remained home this year”. No need to go into further details. Just a simple factual answer.
It’s ok to cry. Some advice. Schedule it. You scheduling a time, and place, a when and where to allow yourself to feel and explore helps with your emotions not building to the point of bubbling out during inopportune times. A scheduled periodic “forced” reflection also fosters uncoupling and detaching from triggering stimuli; as well as fosters healing, after all you have to work through your emotions, nice to do so on your choosing.
Scheduling has a start time and an end time. Perhaps getting up ten minutes earlier. There is that fleeting moment when you awake, while you still do not realize, are not aware, of the situation. Then it all comes back.
So, after that reality return, set a timer for five minutes, and sit on the side of the bed. Cry, think, whatever. Just let your thoughts and feelings kind of go. Once the timer goes off, the five minutes are up, wipe your eyes and go about your day.
At the beginning, several scheduled times are likely required. Morning, coffee break(s), and an evening one. Slowly you’ll “need” less, and you’ll remove a scheduled time, and/or shorten the time. Eventually getting to just one five minutes a day, to three minutes a day, to one minute, to none.
That’s scheduled times. You will get to when you can go about your day without any scheduled times. Sure, there will still be the odd moment or event that brings up something, yet it will be far less debilitating. A lot less having to finding a place to cry and let it out.
In the interim, schedule a safe convenient time and place to feel what you have to feel. It’s emptying your emotional bucket before it overfills. Eventually that stream will become but a trickle or drip, and filling takes a lot longer.
Get a nice card for BIL’s 25th. I suspect you’ll likely be involved or present in their celebrating. A hug and congratulations.
Hang in there bk.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
