Two months have passed in limbo. Not much has changed with the marriage but a lot has changed in me.
Only one notable talk since, I've been flexing my new communication skills a bit, I asked W how she was feeling and got some insights. 'Its over. Disappointed. Sorry'. I brushed over the 'sorry' and asked more about the disappointment. Found a Black Swan in that she doesn't feel a legal claim over our house due to the way I inherited it, I have yet to confirm this, as I think once I go down the road of legal advice that will be the real beginning of the end. She mentioned about the house being where she gave birth (internal conflict). She said what comes next will be difficult. I said that its not what I want but that she deserves to be happy.
She said she has seen my changes. 'Like you've had a personality transplant'. 'I hope the next person gets the best of you'. I haven't had a transplant but I have been finding those parts of me that were hidden or suppressed and have been letting them out, integrating them. I told her I started making changes thinking it would bring us closer but realised I needed to do it for myself, which is the truth. I thanked her for opening up.
I'm really living life at the moment but trying hard to balance it with being present at home.
Father's day was interesting, wife took a few days away as I was heading away on a work trip after. The kids and I had a fun morning, we made a nice breakfast. W wanted to wait until she got back to do gifts so we did wait. She arrived just as I needed to leave. The gifts were nice. Just as I was hugging the kids to say goodbye oldest boy said to W 'are you not hugging daddy?' She came over and put a hand on my back - the first touch initiated by her in over half a year.
In the last while I took wife, kids, MiL out to dinner. Wife sat pretty much turned away from me the whole time, conversation was very scarce with her. I talked more to kids and MiL. and then when I do get an answer to a question it is usually negative. Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
I've set myself a deadline for when I will start to bring this to an end. It made me much happier to know that all this isn't forever.
Glad to hear the last two months have been productive for you. Well done!
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
W will see things through her own lens. And yes, most times she will tint everything with a negative hue. Remember, she is feeding her narrative, her vision and reasons. Let it be, and don’t take the bait.
You see the conflict within her. Let her feel it. Do not assuage it for her. Also do not amplify it on her. Validate when/if she shares or brings something up, otherwise let her walk her path and work her way through her maze of feelings.
You, continue to focus on you and the kids. Being the best you and Dad, you can be. Being a lighthouse. Maybe, hopefully, W steers away from the rocks.
Hope your week is going well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So another conversation from W. She is now talking about letting her dad know her situation. Says she cant change her feelings. I ask how is she feeling and then she opens the flood gates... I wont list it all but some of the key points...
Still a lot of regrets about different aspects of our lives together or differents points where her life could have taken a different turn. About how she couldn't get through to me emotionally and that it wasn't her fault. Can't say she has a lot of regrets because we got our kids. Was never fully into me but more interested in our house project. The last few years together weren't fake. About a time I didn't say the right thing that hurt her. Regrets hurting me and bringing us to the situation we are in now. About how she is exhausted thinking about where to live but it will be as close as possible to our current home. About how she appreciates my patience in allowing her to live here.
I listened, mirrored, validated and didn't defend. Thanked her for the talk then went back to my house projects. The conflict in her is obvious. As are a few cracks in her emotional walls. When she talked about finding somewhere to live I told her she'd handle it fine. I know she would.
