It does feel very wrong . It will feel that way for quite awhile .
Oh how I feel for you with the lack of a real fight . Look at it a different though . You have grown to not allow yourself to even get to that point . Same here I took back control of how I handle my emotions and what allow around my children . I wasn’t much of a yeller to begin with but was a push over . Took a long time to balance getting my point across in just a few words and most of it not being negotiable. Boundaries . Your H saying it was to keep the peace is just an excuse . Ignore it . Really just ignore it . They say all types of craziness .
Just a few words of advice when he asks what you have planned . I used to be an oversharer. Keep it short . I have plans or errands . I have a little name I call it . Ghost mode . I just drop off . If it was not kid related that needed attention I would not respond . I will always respond to my children though .
It’s very sad . Even while I’m somewhat I would say in repair . I am a way different person .
It’s been I think about 8-9 months for BD for me . Some of the things that I can tell you that have slowly come out when H does talk are : you gave me space , you didn’t pressure me , you didn’t need or want anything from me , you were rock solid if I stayed or left . Very different than the spew he spit out with a list of everything I did wrong . I get a lot more of he’s fearful I will boot him .
Hang in there . It’s a long haul . Sending you hugs and kisses .
I am definitely an oversharer, which is why I think this is so hard for me. I also used to tell H pretty much everything. I miss that. Had a good weekend. Pretty much ran errands and did things I wanted to do. D17 had junior prom. She had SO much fun! So happy for her. Just went with a group of friends. So I felt pretty good this weekend and know I feel like I’ve gotten dumped back into bizzaro world.
A large majority of the posters are fixers. Sharing with someone who has "left the building" is difficult because you now need to step back and only share some of what you use to share with him. It is difficult I know...but you can't share everything with him at this time. You can share what's happening with the children and bills (if need be), but what is going on in your life...share with a close friend. He needs to miss you and be curious in order for him to one day rethink what he has done and question whether he did the right thing.
You are doing just fine. We are all here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a great weekend though. Got a bunch of yard work done. H actually mowed the lawn. I honestly wasn’t sure he would. Thought he’s just wait until I couldn’t stand it any more and I would do it.
Some very good friends of ours had a party Saturday night that we went to together. It was weird because I’d catch him looking at me all the time. It feels like he’s going this more. I don’t know, whatever, I had a blast with my friends. One of the hosts kept talking about this group of friends being family. I’m like oh you just wait.
Also had a weird experience with a birthday party. He told me he was going to go play golden tee or wherever it is he goes, I don’t ask, and I told him I was going to the party. He kind of shrugged it off because he’s not a big fan of the bday boy. Kinda made fun at me for going. I shrugged it off. Before he left he told me that if I was still out by a certain time he might join me. I’m like sure right. He actually did. That was kind of weird.
I know he’s noticed the some of the changes I’ve made. He made his side of the bed the other day. Having my morning routine has been huge. Some mornings I really don’t feel like doing it but it makes me feel better.
I think the fact that he acts like everything is normal is making me the craziest. June is right around the corner and I feel like I’m running out of time. He hasn’t brought up meeting with any mediation lawyer and I don’t ask. Just trying to keep my chin up and make improvements on myself.
I was doing some reading today and found this..see if I can do this quote thing right
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You both have questions about 180's and the Last Resort Technique- Can they go too far?
Look, the important part of doing a 180 is introducing the unexpected into your interactions. This doesn't mean that you should completely withdraw. Nor does the LRT mean that either. Doing the LRT means stopping the begging, pleading, pursuing, getting a grip on your own life and being more upbeat. But if your spouse starts to take an interest, that's a good sign and you should be available. Not clingy, mind you, but interested.
I think it might be tempting to back off completely and stop having contact because it might feel safer not to interact at all.But neither technique suggest your doing that. Re-read page 130. I wrote that if your spouse starts to show interest, readers should "Be loving in return, but do not become overly excited or enthusiastic."
But the bottom line is this, the proof is in the pudding. If your spouse is responding lovingly, you're on the right track. If not, you have to finetune what you're doing. Hope this helps. Do re-read the section on the last resort technique. Okay? Michele
I feel like I’m withdrawing when I give short answers and be vague about things. Am I doing this right? Do I just need to be more positive when I reply. So more positive but short answers? If he brings up conversations do I engage or keep things short? I’m so confused.
I’m glad you attended the party and had a good time. And yes, it is quite likely H is watching and noticing you. LRT, 180s, focusing on you, GAL, and such all help with:
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stopping the begging, pleading, pursuing, getting a grip on your own life and being more upbeat.
All of which you are doing.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I feel like I’m withdrawing when I give short answers and be vague about things. Am I doing this right? Do I just need to be more positive when I reply. So more positive but short answers? If he brings up conversations do I engage or keep things short? I’m so confused.
You’re ok. It is confusing.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I think the fact that he acts like everything is normal is making me the craziest. June is right around the corner and I feel like I’m running out of time. He hasn’t brought up meeting with any mediation lawyer and I don’t ask. Just trying to keep my chin up and make improvements on myself.
Having no answers, H’s acting like everything is normal, is bizarre. Of course you’ll feel confused.
What helps. Control.
That is controlling what you can control - you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. (Keeping your chin up and making improvements on yourself. For yourself.)
Let go what is in H’s grip. Time will tell his course.
Yes, June is just around the corner. However, you are not running out of time. You. Your time. Your course. Your life. Lots left!
True, your situation may change. Yet, you will be fine. Truthfully, likely better than fine.
H is so lost that he cannot realize what he is loosing, and he needed to feel that loss.
Continue to be kind and cordial with H. Short, direct, answers. Your positivity comes from within. Comes from your life. Your positive life. That will reflect in everything you do and say. It will be noticed in your behaviour at party or in a short reply to a question. Because you are doing it for you. For you. Because of you. (Not some attempt at winning him back.)
Sincere. Genuine. Honest. Loyal. Strength of character. Now, that is an interesting person.
Be who you want to be, because you want to be. Be kind and compassionate. The chip will fall as they will. You only can control your side of the street in all this. (((Hugs)))
Have faith.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last week we found out that my FIL was in the hospital. He’s been dealing with pneumonia snd they decided to admit him while he comes off his blood thinners before they put in a drain. Monday the put in the drain and early Tuesday morning he’s in the ICU puking. So H found out first thing Tuesday morning when his brother calls and just said dad is in the ICU call mom. He’s freaking out a little bit before he calls and basically says “I can’t deal with this right now” (not sure what that meant, didn’t ask) and he calls his mom. They were running tests and will know more but he’s fine, they think it’s an ulcer. H is still freaking out so I gave him a hug and told him if he needed to talk I was there. I said I know. I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do, but it felt like I needed to at the time. Then the rest of the day he’s super crabby until D17 gets home and then the next day too. Not towards me necessarily just in general towards work
Today his brother got his prostrate removed because cancer was found. Needless to say he’s been a little stressed the past few days. Dad had an ulcer and he’s moving around. I haven’t seen him much today but everytime he gives me an update on everyone he seems irritable. Just weird. Stress? MLC? Showing it to me but doesn’t around D so she doesn’t see how he’s effected?
We go up to visit D19 on Sunday for Mother’s Day. Should be an interesting 2 1/2 hr drive. H took D17 to the store last night to “go shopping” aka get me a card or something. At least I’ll get something. Really excited to visit D19 at school. Can’t believe she’ll be home for the summer soon.
Busy weekend coming up. Lots of GAL’ing going on which I’m excited about.
Monday I’ll probably feel terrible again. M day has always been rough since my m passed away almost 5 yrs ago.
