Welcome and so sad you find yourself here. What sort of bike are we talking about? And how did you pick this user name?
How are you feeling today? I see DnJ and job are giving you great advice as they are passing on their hard earned knowledge.
As suggested, follow the advice to let out whatever you are feeling each day, just in the time and place of your choosing. Don’t keep it in. Vent here as much as you want. Don’t feel bad about it or guilty for “complaining.” LET IT OUT. Because it WILL come out and HAVE to be felt sometime or other anyway. Here people understand.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
And bam, in January he BD. I was shocked and in despair, the usual. I thought things were getting better!
Yeah, it seems to be a common thing. The WAS goes quiet and seems better/friendlier and then BD. The explanation I remember is they feel better after picking a direction. They had already given up the R. And no, it’s often not fair when the LBS seemingly had no chance to address the issues. Seemingly. In closer inspection though, the WAS had been trying to give off signals that they needed change. Do they do it well or clearly? No, quite often not. But in their minds they had been trying…
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I did all the wrong things of course. And I did dig into his phone.
Ah, that snooping! I did some too. And in a ton of hours digging through the archives here there are many insightful commenters on the value or not of snooping. Generally it is NOT advised. Why? Because the damage to you when you find details will most times far outweigh the advantage in intel you gain.
Does the knowledge of H having at least an EA with someone change what you need to do? Nope. The only exception I’ve seen in the archives is those who advocated for hard and fast A busting. That will not get your H back. Any future possible reconnection cannot happen with an ongoing A though.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
He doesn’t want to leave until June when our D(17) is done with school.
. But he says oh don’t worry the kids will be fine.
And he only wanted me tell one person other than my therapist.
….
He says, he says, he says…. SO WHAT? Understand he is NOT on team bkerchik right now. This was one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around. That no matter how earnest my XW seemed to be, she was knowingly or unknowingly trying to get me to do what was to her advantage and to to alleviate any guilt she had for her choices. It is disconcerting to be unable to rely on discussing important issues with the one person you thought you could trust implicitly. You will have to make up your own mind about each of these and more things. What is bkerchik’s independent opinion? Ask away here for outside opinions.
One of the things I found most useful here is R2C’s threads of quotes from the forums here. I don’t think it is in the pinned threads. This is the 14th one and in the first post are links to the other 13. I recommend going back through them and following the link back to the original thread if it resonates.
Vent here as much as you want. Don’t feel bad about it or guilty for “complaining.” LET IT OUT. Because it WILL come out and HAVE to be felt sometime or other anyway. Here people understand.
I second this.
I find that sometimes the things I need to let go of are easier to process once I've put them into words, written them down (here or elsewhere) and got someone else's perspective on them.
You'll change a lot over the next while. Lean into it.
I’m a road biker (pedaling 😀) I used to go on a long ride at least once a week. Don’t know why I stopped. The day I started this thread I took my bike in for a tune up. I can’t wait to get it back and fit the weather to warm up so I can get out again.
Yesterday was rough for no apparent reason. Part of the ups and downs I guess. I felt like nothing I was doing was going to help. That H is just going to thinking I’m “keeping the peace” again. I guess it doesn’t matter. I started using the “stop sign” but a little differently. Whenever I think of H and the OW I put up a stop sign and say I can’t control this so stop. Does it work? Sometimes. Detachment is SO hard. I try to remind myself that he is only thinking of himself right now and this new happy life he thinks hes getting.
I’ve been GALing more than I have in a long time. I have a friend to totally gets what I’m trying to do and is 100% behind me. So we talk a lot and go out regularly. Others don’t get it, sadly. But I know they love me and support me. But I’m getting out. Going to take some free online history classes just for fun. Yes I’m weird. We have a big school fundraiser this weekend. Will he go? I don’t know. I’m not asking. I’m going no matter what.
What I don’t get is why he cares how I am. “You okay” that ones stopped a little. The concern over getting a call from my gym while I was there. At a soccer game and he’s concerned that I’m cold. Is that him just getting over his guilt?
I know I need to stop worrying about what he wants. My C says the same thing. I guess I’m just focused on the kids and him right now, but trying to get better about focusing on me. I read somewhere to do something you can control first thing in the morning. Make your bed. So that’s what I do, at least my side. I’ve also started showering first thing. I know that sounds silly but before I would get it done right before I would have to for the day.
Any advice on detachment would be amazing. One of the Quotes I found was if he says five words you say three. I’ve read DR, how to survive your husbands midlife crisis, when a mate wants out and the shut out wife, need to read them all again.
I don’t know if I’m going this quote thing right or not. I’m doing this on my phone so I have more control over things.
Originally Posted by grok
That no matter how earnest my XW seemed to be, she was knowingly or unknowingly trying to get me to do what was to her advantage and to to alleviate any guilt she had for her choices. It is disconcerting to be unable to rely on discussing important issues with the one person you thought you could trust implicitly.
This has been so disheartening. I was having trouble with work right before BD and he offered to help me look around for a new job. Did he really want to “help” or just want to find a job where I could make more money.
I told him I had a lawyer I was going to use to help me through mitigation. He couldn’t figure out why. Well, I don’t know what I don’t know and I don’t trust myself signing something that will affect my life this much without help. He says well it’s my life too. By then I knew better, so I told him he could get his own lawyer then too. He says but it’s just so expensive. Yep dude, it is. You want this not me. I didn’t say that I just agreed. Yes, it will be expensive.
After making life decisions together for 25 years it’s hard to understand.
The sadness comes in waves. Wondering how I will get through Easter without losing it. Trying to only open my mouth when talked to or in response to something about the D’s. He’s been offering up information and asking what my day looks like. We are both in sales so day to day changes and we need to make sure someone can pick up or D from wherever. Normally that would something I do. Certainly not reading into it but I think it’s interesting.
Any ideas for 180’s?
Thanks for everyone’s input! I’m so glad I found you all!
Last edited by DnJ; 04/10/2504:15 PM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
You were close on the quoting; just missed the [/quote].
Here is a link on quoting and other helpful commands and their syntax/structure. It’s also a sticky thread - those blue threads on the top of main page - for easy reference.
I thought I had a good couple days DB’ing. Treating him like a roommate, only engaging when engaged or about the D’s. And one little comment asking me if I’ve told a certain friend what’s going on and I lose after he’s left for the night for band practice. I know this is a marathon, but sometimes I just want it to be better now. And sometimes I think it never will be better. I’m really concerned about Easter.
Such a roller coaster!!! I thought I had a good couple days DB’ing. Treating him like a roommate, only engaging when engaged or about the D’s. And one little comment asking me if I’ve told a certain friend what’s going on and I lose after he’s left for the night for band practice. I know this is a marathon, but sometimes I just want it to be better now. And sometimes I think it never will be better. I’m really concerned about Easter.
Holidays are tough. There are really no ways around only thru. Make some space in your day to grief. If you don't feel like going through the motions of making a big meal or whatever - don't. Maybe take a bike ride.
As for your H - he is going to try and control the narrative. This is to control his own guilt and validate his actions.
Let him get mad about you telling your friends (if you did). Let him get upset about a lawyer. Get used to the venom and temper tantrums. He needs blame and fuel for the fire. Snuff it out.
Anytime he asks why... simply say.
"I am accepting your decision to leave the marriage"
Leave it that. Don't engage. Repeat to him as many times as necessary until he stops.
And then for you - you work towards that. Whether that's kicking him out of the MB, separating finances, etc. It will be the most difficult thing you will do. It will be a process.
And it will eventually be okay.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special days are difficult. Also, these events usually stir up one’s spouse.
Don’t be surprised if H appears to engaging in family time, or more conversations, etc. Remember, he is emotionally driven, he wants to feel that old familiar family time and doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy. It’s quite confusion and an LBS can get pretty mixed up with such mixed signals.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
What I don’t get is why he cares how I am. “You okay” that ones stopped a little. The concern over getting a call from my gym while I was there. At a soccer game and he’s concerned that I’m cold. Is that him just getting over his guilt?
Most do feel guilty and do try to assuage their feelings. (Again, not wanting to be the bad guy.) The form their effort takes varies. Know that this time of guilty feeling is short term and rather tenuous. Don’t read too much in it.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I read somewhere to do something you can control first thing in the morning. Make your bed. So that’s what I do, at least my side. I’ve also started showering first thing. I know that sounds silly but before I would get it done right before I would have to for the day.
Absolutely!
Yes, making your bed first thing sets your day up in your manner. Starts you off on the right foot.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
This has been so disheartening. I was having trouble with work right before BD and he offered to help me look around for a new job. Did he really want to “help” or just want to find a job where I could make more money.
Or both?
Or neither?
Does it matter?
Do you want a different job? If yes, then do so. If no, then don’t.
As for H’s motives, one cannot know the truth of someone else. However, plenty of these folks’ intentions are for self interest; and yes a spouse with better income does have a financial benefit in a divorce.
Again, it matters not. Do for you.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I told him I had a lawyer I was going to use to help me through mitigation. He couldn’t figure out why. Well, I don’t know what I don’t know and I don’t trust myself signing something that will affect my life this much without help. He says well it’s my life too. By then I knew better, so I told him he could get his own lawyer then too. He says but it’s just so expensive. Yep dude, it is. You want this not me. I didn’t say that I just agreed. Yes, it will be expensive.
- I’m don’t know how serious in mitigation/negotiation you two are; or how far along the process you are. However, some suggestions/advice:
- This is the business side of this stuff. Treat is as so. Treat it as a business deal gone sideways; which it is.
- Do not share information with H. If he wants to blab and tell you things, listen. You, however, be silent.
- As mentioned, H is presently within a time of feeling guilty and will try to assuage it. Lots of these folks will make better deals during this period. It doesn’t last for very long.
- Definitely do not sign anything before your lawyer looks it over. (Well done!)
- Also, good for you having your own lawyer. Do not have a shared lawyer. Having your own L, means they are fully looking after your interests. And for most people this is the biggest financial decision of their life.
- Know your priorities and wants. What you are willing to let go, what you don’t really care about, and what you are willing to fight tooth and nail for. Do not share this with H!
- Do not presume H’s list of wants and priorities. Let him tell you. Let him lead the negotiating. You will likely be surprised at what he values. Lots of these folks are willing to forgo money/assets/custody to get their way. In that vein, if you bring something up, if it’s not their idea, they usually fight it. Especially an MLCer. Heck, they fight against their own proposals.
H is on his path. Do not place boulders in his way, the faster he walks it, the faster he is done. Also, don’t pave his path in gold either.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Such a roller coaster!!!
I thought I had a good couple days DB’ing. Treating him like a roommate, only engaging when engaged or about the D’s. And one little comment asking me if I’ve told a certain friend what’s going on and I lose after he’s left for the night for band practice. I know this is a marathon, but sometimes I just want it to be better now. And sometimes I think it never will be better. I’m really concerned about Easter.
Yes, it’s a rollercoaster for a bit. Keep focusing on you and the daughters; and step off the coaster for a while.
Yes, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
What is concerning you about Easter? (What are you fearing?)
H being there? H not being there? A big argument at the table? Your emotions boiling over? Having to prepare the meal? And so on…
Most stuff we fear, never comes to pass. And for that which does, it is not longer a fear, rather it becomes a problem to work through.
Fear lives in the possibilities, live in the future. We don’t fear something that is currently happening. (Or has happened.) We fear what might happen. And that, only lives in our mind. Let go your fear. Live in the present and let the unknown and unwritten future unfurl on its time.
You will make it through Easter. And you will control what you can control: your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
I keep reminding myself over and over that I can’t control him. I can’t fix him. But sometimes it’s just overwhelming.
We haven’t started the mitigation process at all yet. Don’t have a L for it yet. Told H to pick out a few and when he was ready we would do a consultation. If they are going to do mitigation I want to approve as well. But I have my individual L picked out when the time is right. I’m not pushing. I’m not asking. I’m not talking about what I believe is financial infidelity.
The lease is signed and his apartment will be ready June 7th. I think that’s what hit me this week.
Need to continue to do things for me. He is going to the fundraiser tonight but I probably won’t see much of him. I’ll be with my friends having a blast!
Honestly the thing I’m worried the most about for Easter is church. I cry easily…I hate it! And I’m worried about getting through without biting my tongue off which is what i usually do when I start to get emotional. He’s also playing in the church band that day and guess who’s singing. He’s making dinner he’ll act like nothing is going on. I’m not too worried about that.
You all are amazing. I started going through some of the quotes on the link that grok sent me which have been great. Also read midlife crisis for dummies. Wow.
You are so right that you can't control him, nor can you fix him because you didn't break him. The only one that can right his world is the man up above.
Easter is going to be difficult, but you will get through it. If you need to cry, do it. There is no shame in shedding tears. In fact, they are healing in their own way. Once he is in his apartment, the stress and tension will ease up in your home a bit. He may not push too hard to settle things up and just let things ride for a bit. The more you push, the harder he will pull away. You are doing the right thing in not pushing. Many people don't realize that the more you question them, the more they will distance themselves and lie.
Holidays and special events are difficult. When I went through this years ago, my xh would surface and make life difficult on those particular days/times. It was like he didn't want me to be happy and wanted to remind me he was out there.
Continue as you have been. You are doing well for someone who still has an alien living in the home. Make a list of things that you would like to do and go for it.
Hang in there. This is not a sprint, but a marathon. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
