Option #4 would be filing taxes individually, not jointly. Might be advantageous. Rent, mortgage, household expenses, etc. Speak with the accountant. (You might even do it for this year.)
The advantages of filing jointly help me and will offset income by all the crazy interest he's paying the bank. I'll end up owing Uncle Sam if I file separately. He'll end up with a return that he'll blow through.
I'll reach out to acct to confirm the above and request that he get remaining house info for the filing.
Originally Posted by Valeska
Not sure what the benefit would be you having him sign it over if your daughter is making the payments? If you are making the payments - then its another discussion
We bought this car for S and then upon graduating, it become D's transportation. H and I are owners of the car (no loan). As we did for S at graduation, I'd like to buy her a car and trade the one she's driving. In order to trade it in, we'll both have to sign the title. Seeing as he doesn't have $2 to contribute towards her education, I've already decided to not even ask for the $2 towards a car.
There is so much happening in the next few months requiring me to interact with H. The less I have to, the better for me. If keeping D out of the car interaction is best, I'll engage with H.
As for me....I'm not afraid of divorce nor him monstering. There's some fight left in this dog to see that battle through and come out on the other side. I know my worth and can look myself in the mirror. I've been a good wife and we shared a beautiful life even if it's just how I see it. I miss who H was. The good 'ole H was nothing like this. Sadly, I'm pretty certain that H won't reach out to me, ever. The shame and guilt have done him in. Through all the anger, I spot a glimmer of hope left in me.
Just before BD2, H's friend of 35 years got engaged and is marrying for the 1st time this weekend. Wish I could be a fly on the wall to see his face through the exchange of vows.
My two cents: Don’t tell the kids. And let H do the heavy lifting.
Originally Posted by MG
Thanks to this group, I know I can make it without H. It's my babies. My adult babies. Both of which continue to hold onto the idea of their family.
Originally Posted by DnJ
That being said, at some point I agree you should/would tell the kids. When is that point? When it is needed. When it serves. When it isn’t done out of retribution or retaliation.
It never seems to be the right time to tell the kids.
D and BF have gone their separate ways. "Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on." Ouch!
S is traveling for week 4 in a row and was sent to the next travel destination w/o even a stop at home base. Telling him over the phone doesn't feel right. Telling him on travel doesn't feel right.
As for me, I want to tell them. I don't know why. Still haven't been able to explain it to myself. Why do I want this in the open? Any ideas? All I can come up with is that my actions are shifting and I don't know how else to explain it to the kids.
Originally Posted by MG
Today, I made an update that informed my H via an auto text (from the cell phone company) that the billing address has been updated. I've been paying for the 4 cell phones. Not anymore. He can pick up that tab now.
Cell phone bill is overdue. Not paid. I'm seeing the threat of the phones being shut off. I'll let S and D deal with him when that happens.
Naturally, the kids will ask why now? Why now did I switch the billing? Well...I'm done funding his expenses, especially expenses that support a R with OW. (Can't say that bc they don't know!)
Originally Posted by DnJ
Such truth darts do sometimes dislodge these stuck folks. It might get H moving again. To what end, well it’s his path. Time will tell.
It's been crickets here. The wedding was last weekend. He left on Friday right after hearing that his father had been taking to the ER for fainting. They wouldn't discharge him without inserting a pacemaker. Yup, H went to the wedding. AND, didn't tell the kids (nor me) that his dad was in the hospital. H's sister texted the kids on Sunday afternoon.
H made it around to tell the kids about his dad being in the hospital on Tuesday morning - 4 days later.
D then asked how the wedding was at which point his demeanor changed. He sent a couple pics of himself. "I clean up nice, don't I?"
Arrogance and uber-confidence from his 20s still lives on....or at least that's the mask he's showing the kids.
On the day of surgery, D calls H to get an update only to learn that H is at work and not at the hospital. "I had to come to work."
Originally Posted by DnJ
H, while you are involved with OW, you are not involved with me. I will not speak with you, visit with you, nor have you over at my house.
Haven't had to worry about this boundary much...still no word from H. Not even info sharing of a man whom I called dad for 32 years.
Originally Posted by Valeska
Time and space away from your H will help you find the answer. You are either going to say "I can live with this" or "I can't". But that decision requires you to be centered and living in your moral code.
It requires you to be 100% focused on your well being.
How will I know? I still miss H. I'm still lonely and sad. Heartbroken. The kids not knowing weighs on me. I feel like I'm lying to them.
Sitting still and not taking action feels wrong. Impatient? Decided to move forward? I can't get it straight in my head.
It never seems to be the right time to tell the kids.
D and BF have gone their separate ways. "Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on." Ouch!
S is traveling for week 4 in a row and was sent to the next travel destination w/o even a stop at home base. Telling him over the phone doesn't feel right. Telling him on travel doesn't feel right.
As for me, I want to tell them. I don't know why. Still haven't been able to explain it to myself. Why do I want this in the open? Any ideas? All I can come up with is that my actions are shifting and I don't know how else to explain it to the kids.
My question is... what do they think is happening? Is Mom and Dad taking space? In the grand scheme of things - what's changed? Your H hasn't been moving towards the marriage in two years. It seems the only thing that has shifted is YOU because you were served a major truth bomb.
Your rose colored glasses got broken so now "hope" isn't clouding your decision making.
To me the explanation could be as simple as "I'm accepting your dad's decision and acting accordingly"
I really don't think you need to share anything else because again - nothing really changed other than the fact that you had a little bit of a wake-up call. As painful as they are... they are also necessary because the LBS stalls on taking care of themselves. Legally protecting themselves.
Wake-up Calls are needed to move forward with the best interest of SELF.
Originally Posted by MG
Originally Posted by MG
Today, I made an update that informed my H via an auto text (from the cell phone company) that the billing address has been updated. I've been paying for the 4 cell phones. Not anymore. He can pick up that tab now.
Cell phone bill is overdue. Not paid. I'm seeing the threat of the phones being shut off. I'll let S and D deal with him when that happens.
Naturally, the kids will ask why now? Why now did I switch the billing? Well...I'm done funding his expenses, especially expenses that support a R with OW. (Can't say that bc they don't know!)
I also question this. If anything - you could have separated his phone line from the other 3. Putting all the responsibility on H seems like an act of retaliation. You don't want to pay for his relationship with OW - that's fine. Drop his line from the rest.
AND - at what point is it your kids responsibility to take care of their own things? First you mention a car and now phones.
I can understand wanting to help them until college but what then? When do you let go and let them learn how to do it on their own.
I get it. I'm recently back in my hometown (after 25 years) and I'm reminding my parents all the time that I'm not the 19 girl who left all those years ago. So I understand the way a parent sees their children.
And yet - I would argue that allowing people to struggle in this world is greatly beneficial. Especially at their age as it will allow them to build the confidence they need to choose what is best for them.
Perhaps you can see the pattern here of your helpfulness. Or perhaps enabling??
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska
Time and space away from your H will help you find the answer. You are either going to say "I can live with this" or "I can't". But that decision requires you to be centered and living in your moral code.
It requires you to be 100% focused on your well being.
How will I know? I still miss H. I'm still lonely and sad. Heartbroken. The kids not knowing weighs on me. I feel like I'm lying to them.
Sitting still and not taking action feels wrong. Impatient? Decided to move forward? I can't get it straight in my head.
Limbo may not be for me....
Isn't sitting still and not taking action what you've been doing for most of the past two years? I say that not to hurt you - only to emphasize that the only thing that's changed is that your hope got squashed. You put a ton of meaning into those little interactions. You put a ton of hope into that make-out session.
So now what do you do? Here are some self care examples in regards to your H. You're GALing seems pretty solid.
1. No initiating with H outside of children or bills ( I believe you are doing this). 2. If you are taking care of your H financially in any way - stop it. Separate phone lines, car insurance, etc. etc. Your H wants to be "single" allow him to pay for it. 3. Sit down with a lawyer. You don't have to file but find out how to protect yourself. Does that require a legal separation. Make sure you won't get in legal trouble for doing any of #2. 4. If you won't get in trouble - don't allow H in your home. Also - give him notice to pick up his stuff. Then put it on the curb. 5. Remove any photos or reminders of him in your house. Pack it in a box and believe that one day you will know what to do with them. 6. Block him on Social Media or get off social media for awhile.
None of these will feel great at first. Actually they feel pretty terrible in the first few days or weeks because it "feels" like you are giving in. It will also scare you that he will see this as "you giving up" or will push him to divorce.
That may happen. Which is why it's crucial that this step be about YOU and not being hurt anymore versus doing it to "get back at" or "get a reaction out of H"
HOWEVER what will also happen - is that you will start feeling better. You won't be surrounded by triggers as much and then can think more clearly about life and what you want.
We cannot stop the pain this world brings. But how long we decide to suffer is up to us.
Hang in the MG. I know this is most painful... but this is also the time where the most growth will happen!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As for me, I want to tell them. I don't know why. Still haven't been able to explain it to myself. Why do I want this in the open? Any ideas? All I can come up with is that my actions are shifting and I don't know how else to explain it to the kids.
I think you want it in the open to ensure your words and actions are interpreted correctly; so the kids understand where you are coming from, why you are doing what you are; so they know the path you’re on, your values and morals, etc.
Consistent demonstrated behaviour. Have faith, how you live your life will shine and show your kids far better than words will.
Originally Posted by DnJ
That being said, at some point I agree you should/would tell the kids. When is that point? When it is needed. When it serves. When it isn’t done out of retribution or retaliation.
It’s been two weeks. I’d suspect the initial “triggered” feelings should be somewhat muted, given all the inner work you’ve done over the past two years. You’d now be more able to see what you wish to do and why.
Originally Posted by MamaG
The kids not knowing weighs on me. I feel like I'm lying to them.
Ok. Feeling aside. Logic and reason. Are you lying or is H? Who is really living disingenuously?
So, tell the kids. How? You do not need to cover up H’s omissions or outright falsehoods, and you do not need to go out of your way to tell ‘em about Dad. Life will provide an opportunity, usually kids do bring it up.
If you want to unburden some of the pain and such from your situation, how you feel due to discovering H’s affair, and so on - talk to a trusted friend, or a counsellor, or write it in a diary/journal, or vent here. You do not need to burden your kids.
To me, that’s the yardstick of “does it serve?”. It is to serve you, assuage you; or does it serve the kids and their interests?
Originally Posted by MamaG
It never seems to be the right time to tell the kids.
There is never a right time for bad information/news. The recent death of my father, I called the kids that afternoon. Interrupted whatever they were doing. They were in the middle of work, university class, etc. Just told them and turned their day on its head.
I do not believe what you want to share with the kids warrants such. You can be patient for an opening during a conversation.
Also, being Dad of four kids, kids don’t hang on what we are doing. They got their own lives. Your daughter and son are likely going about their day to day activities with little thought about you or Dad. That’s what you want. Fully functional adults. My four kids have fully rich lives, that have nothing to do with me.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D and BF have gone their separate ways. "Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on." Ouch!
That was an opportunity.
D - Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on.
MG - Yes, I understand, and agree with you moving on. My moving on is slower, due to 30 years of marriage, vows, and that stuff.
I’d suspect that would/could lead to a discussion of relationships, marriage, faithfulness, vows, divorce, cheating, affairs, etc.
One of my conversation/examples:
My daughter’s first real break up happened post BD. Mom had thrown me and all the kids away. Mom had tossed daughter aside like she was nothing. XW took no Mother’s Day gifts, no precious gifts/pictures/etc that daughter had crafted as a child, or purchased later on.
Daughter was 15. I came home from work a little late due to a terrific thunder storm. As I drove through town, I saw daughter and her friend standing on the sidewalk in the downpour. Both were completely soaked.
I pulled up and rolled down the passenger side window of my work van. Even with the rain pouring down her face I could see daughter’s tears rolling down her cheeks. I told them both to hop in and I’d drive her friend home.
After dropped her friend off, we went home. I parked the van, turned to daughter and asked why she was crying. She burst that she and BF broke up. I said “just a second”, got out, when to her door opened it, had her come out, and hugged her. For like two minutes daughter hugged tightly back. Just standing there in the pouring rain. Thunder booming, sky flashing.
After daughter composed herself, I inquired what had happened with BF. He was mean, non caring, etc. I hugged her again, and let her know boys are pretty dumb at 15.
I asked did he break up with you, or you with him. That is when she really lost it. She broke up with him. Daughter blurted that she felt so bad to treat BF like Mom had treated me. To end things. Daughter felt bad. Felt immoral.
I told her I understand her feelings. And that heartbreak is painful. However, Mom and I had (have) a wedding vow, boyfriend and girlfriend do not. It’s ok, heck it’s necessary to date and breakup before you find a person who you’d spend your life with. Breaking up hurts, yet it is perfectly fine.
I asked if she was dating someone else while dating BF. No. I told her I agree with only dating one person at a time. And breaking up if needed. That’s a good moral conduct, in my opinion. You take it slow, discover who the other person is, and see where things go. From this, you learned some “red flags” and how to see them. That’s how we grow. That’s learning about life and love.
She thanked me, hugged me again, and we walked into the house, both soaked.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Sitting still and not taking action feels wrong. Impatient? Decided to move forward? I can't get it straight in my head.
Limbo may not be for me....
You don’t sit and wait. And for what it’s worth, I do not think you have been sitting around pining for H to return. You’re active, go to craft outings, trips, work, shop, watch movies, walks, and on and on.
Embracing/choosing limbo makes it not a purgatory-like punishment. Realize that. Choosing limbo allows you to choose for which parts of your life. Limbo is only for that romantic relationship facet. Everything else is open. Focus on self. Live and love your life.
Travel, go for dinner in a fancy restaurant, see a movie, go out with friends, and so on.
And, if you need financial security or protection, get it.
Embracing limbo, is really embracing you. Giving you time to discover who you really are. What you really want. How you truly want to live. Your values, convictions, and beliefs. Your tenets.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My question is... what do they think is happening? Is Mom and Dad taking space? In the grand scheme of things - what's changed? Your H hasn't been moving towards the marriage in two years. It seems the only thing that has shifted is YOU because you were served a major truth bomb.
I'm not sure what they think is happening but I certainly appreciate these words, "I'm accepting your dad's decision and acting accordingly." I like this response.
I now have confirmation of what I've suspected. Of what I've been preparing to hear/see. Of what I've fought to believe. And, yes I've been living life without H for some time. And, now I continue to live without H for some time. It's his crisis and he'll get through it at his own pace. What's changed? Reality. A gut punch. An awakening. Shock. Disbelief. A wake-up call.
Par for the course.
Originally Posted by Valeska
I also question this. If anything - you could have separated his phone line from the other 3. Putting all the responsibility on H seems like an act of retaliation. You don't want to pay for his relationship with OW - that's fine. Drop his line from the rest.
Agree. I'm not feeling too proud of. And, I'm perfectly happy with adding this to his list of bills. I'm no longer his sugar mama like he often referred to me. Never liked that term and like it even less now.
Originally Posted by Valeska
6. Block him on Social Media or get off social media for awhile.
Despite not having social media, just last night, I learned that H is no longer wearing his wedding band. He was tagged in a photo 5 days after I sent him the roses delivery confirmation.
And another gut punch. I know. I know. Actions not symbols.
I've been dusting myself off and getting up again. Plenty of practice lately.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I think you want it in the open to ensure your words and actions are interpreted correctly; so the kids understand where you are coming from, why you are doing what you are; so they know the path you’re on, your values and morals, etc.
Consistent demonstrated behaviour. Have faith, how you live your life will shine and show your kids far better than words will.
This resonates. I've come to terms that I don't need to tell them....at least not right now. The weight has lightened. TY for this. And, yes, inner feelings have 'muted' some. Some. I have pretty consistently decided to inform him that I'd like to give him his divorce. And, have been thinking through approach and words.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Logic and reason. Are you lying or is H? Who is really living disingenuously?
Truth!! Pun intended.
I talked with a friend I've confided in. She's been team MG since day one and supported of my wishes. After the affair info, she is talking about serving him. I don't believe she's coming from a place of bias. More a place of 'enough is enough' and 'this was your boundary...where you drew the line.'
I gave it thought all weekend and wasn't totally ready to file. Wonder if I've been pressing myself to tell the kids about affair because I was pretty ready to file. Both urges have subsided.
Today, I'm ready to put a plan together for moving towards dissolving the future of our M.
DnJ, your example of telling the kids about your dad hit home. I imagine that you stopped each of them in their tracks. Tracks of simple life events that stopped in an instant. What choice did you have? None. The point being that I have a choice. I still like, "I'm accepting your dad's decision and acting accordingly."
D and I held several conversations about her and BF. And, she happened to notice that our family pics were off the wall. On a couple occasions, she's asked why now. It was easy to just give a stare the first time - she saw I wasn't going to share. The second time, I responded with, "I"m not ready to say it out loud."
That should be a strong hint.
I now sit in silence to map out the order in which actions take place. Words to use. How to end a M I really loved.
Do I just send him an email? Is that cold? It feels so un-adult like. Yet, I don't want to be talked out of it.
Suggestions on email.... Hi H, I've taken time to reflect and I'm accepting the decisions you've made and acting accordingly.
Below are some items in flight.
The tax file was dropped off at the accountants. They only need Form 1098 to complete our return. I'm hopeful that you've been able to take care of that.
For over two years, I've been covering the monthly fees for all four lines since you first informed me of your wish to separate. As of Feb, the billing address has been updated to your home. I'm working on removing my cell phone line from the family account.
I'm also working with the car insurance company to complete the plate and title transfers for the vehicles by the end of this month. This will allow us to obtain separate insurance policies when the policy renews on 4/1. You'll be receiving an email from the insurance company soon.
As agreed, I funded the excise taxes at the Town of <Town Name> for 3 of our vehicles, as you offered to fund the excise taxes for the car you were billed for.
With respect to dissolving our marriage, I'd like to attempt mediation first? I hope we can get through this with mutual respect and avoid unnecessary attorney and court fees.
Regards, MG
(It felt good to write that! and then I cried in disbelief. Am I ready for this?)
Last edited by DnJ; 03/04/2511:35 PM. Reason: Removed Personal Data
Today, I'm ready to put a plan together for moving towards dissolving the future of our M.
Ok. Give it a week or so. Ensure your reasoning and resolve is stable and non-wavering.
Originally Posted by MamaG
(It felt good to write that! and then I cried in disbelief. Am I ready for this?)
(((Hugs)))
This step/conviction is pretty new to you.
You’ve got time. That gift. Use it wisely. Focus on you and live. Let go H.
Ensure, your answer to “Am I ready for this?” is a yes, not a maybe.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Do I just send him an email? Is that cold? It feels so un-adult like. Yet, I don't want to be talked out of it.
Originally Posted by MamaG
With respect to dissolving our marriage, I'd like to attempt mediation first? I hope we can get through this with mutual respect and avoid unnecessary attorney and court fees.
Two paths: Emotional/Healing/Acceptance and Business.
When on the business side, be business-like. Conduct it as such.
My two cents. No email, no text, no call. Let your lawyer handle it. Have your L send H or H’s lawyer the paperwork.
H is not on team MG. There is not much point in trying to converse/negotiate with him, IMO.
Also, you do not want to unwittingly agree to some bad deal in some email. I’ve seen good faith, good intentioned ideas get twisted and become legally binding. Unsure all communications regarding anything D related goes through a L. You’ve got to legally protect yourself. H certainly isn’t going to.
You aren’t fighting, or playing hardball, or any such, you are simply ending this marriage - ending the business deal that’s gone sideways. There is lots of legal stuff to consider and your L is the expert. Utilize their expertise. And their distance from all of this. LBS are too close and emotionally embroiled in the situations, L’s are removed and remain more intellectually focused.
For most people, divorce is the biggest financial decision of their lives. To do so without a lawyer is pretty risky.
Originally Posted by MamaG
The tax file was dropped off at the accountants. They only need Form 1098 to complete our return. I'm hopeful that you've been able to take care of that.
For over two years, I've been covering the monthly fees for all four lines since you first informed me of your wish to separate. As of Feb, the billing address has been updated to your home. I'm working on removing my cell phone line from the family account.
I'm also working with the car insurance company to complete the plate and title transfers for the vehicles by the end of this month. This will allow us to obtain separate insurance policies when the policy renews on 4/1. You'll be receiving an email from the insurance company soon.
As agreed, I funded the excise taxes at the Town of <Town Name> for 3 of our vehicles, as you offered to fund the excise taxes for the car you were billed for.
All this ^^^, when/if you’re ready is not your problem. Let it go. Let the L sort it out. Tell your L your wishes and wants and let them do what they do.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Today, I'm ready to put a plan together for moving towards dissolving the future of our M.
Good. My opinion differs from DNJ a little because you have already been waiting! And having an idea of a plan is different from activating that plan. Whilst your head is focused on self - take that opportunity to be curious on what that looks like. I don't recommend sitting on stuff in your case, because you have a habit of lessening your importance over time. Better to take small steps when you possess the anger, adrenaline, etc to take that small step forward. Again... you are inquiring and planning.. not pulling any triggers. There is no risk here.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Suggestions on email.... Hi H, I've taken time to reflect and I'm accepting the decisions you've made and acting accordingly.
Below are some items in flight.
The tax file was dropped off at the accountants. They only need Form 1098 to complete our return. I'm hopeful that you've been able to take care of that.
For over two years, I've been covering the monthly fees for all four lines since you first informed me of your wish to separate. As of Feb, the billing address has been updated to your home. I'm working on removing my cell phone line from the family account.
I'm also working with the car insurance company to complete the plate and title transfers for the vehicles by the end of this month. This will allow us to obtain separate insurance policies when the policy renews on 4/1. You'll be receiving an email from the insurance company soon.
As agreed, I funded the excise taxes at the Town of <Town Name> for 3 of our vehicles, as you offered to fund the excise taxes for the car you were billed for.
With respect to dissolving our marriage, I'd like to attempt mediation first? I hope we can get through this with mutual respect and avoid unnecessary attorney and court fees.
Regards, MG
I suggest not sending this email. Now is the time for action.
* You already told him what he needed to turn in for taxes. The next step is to ask yourself - what's the plan if he doesn't. * Don't say you are going to separate the cell phone bill. Just do it. It takes very little time. * I think you need to see a L if you haven't already. Cell phone bill is easy. Titles should be too if they are going into your kids name. Otherwise you need to find out what you can do legally in your state.
I know you don't want to spend money... but you need to keep in mind that you are the breadwinner here... so you have to protect yourself. Sometimes spending the money means a peace of mind that you are going to be okay.
Originally Posted by MamaG
(It felt good to write that! and then I cried in disbelief. Am I ready for this?)
I think this is the wrong question to ask yourself. Personally I think this whole "inner peace" around decisions can be a load of BS. There is also a saying that sometimes the right decisions feel very wrong at the time.
For myself - I dont often feel peace about healthy decisions for myself. Because I was raised not to. I was told it was selfish and so I tend to feel guilty first, selfish second... and peace... well I'm still waiting...
However lately there is something that nags at me in my current situation. Some might call it self-worth, others self protection... perhaps it is just a "gut" thing. Personally I feel like it's logic to the truth of my situation that I am working towards accepting.
Perhaps this thought could be helpful for you when it comes to decision-making. It help grounds me.
"This person has hurt me repeatedly. I do not wish to be hurt anymore. To assume that he/she will do something different at this time without changed behavior is unwise. I will do the following things to protect myself from this person hurting me"
And then I list the things that help protect me.
Of course at times I don't feel ready. Of course I'm scared and anxious at times. Some nights there are nightmares that i wake up from drenched in sweat. And Peace... what is that??
And yet - I still come back to this solid feeling in my gut that says "I don't want to be hurt anymore by this person". And it screams loudly every time I try to do something that puts me in "danger". I'm not even sure it's conscious at this point.
So you may not be ready to end your marriage. And sure I can tell you that your H already decided that...
... but did this last revelation put your body in the drive of "I'm not going to allow this person to hurt me anymore"? Because doing nothing could also open the door for more harm.
That's for you to decide...
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I took care of a couple business transactions and I'm feeling good.
Through the accountant's follow-ups, H responded and provided the remaining tax filing document to the accountant directly. That was a win as I didn't want to reach out to him. A 180 for me.
Met up with H today to gift the cars to each other so that I can get a single car insurance policy and not fund his portion. I met him at the location and got there a few minutes before him. When he walked in, I was upbeat, friendly, kind and treated him like one would treat a plumber. We got right down to business and were out of there in 15 minutes.
When I looked at H, my eyes couldn't help but notice that his face is sunk in. He continues losing weight and he certainly doesn't appear to be getting any rest. His hands were dirty almost as if he had been working on something...and the wedding band is on the finger. Interesting. Began to wonder if he conveniently puts it on and off to suit the moment.
When he noticed that my band is no longer on my finger, I could see that he hid his hand and then quickly exposed it. And was flaunting the band. I continued to look away and ignore the busy hand.
It's time he feels his consequences. No need to soften the fall.
On our way out, I informed H that I switched the billing address for the cell phone bill and that I was getting notices that the invoice are behind. He didn't know. hmmm. He quickly responded with, 'Well, that's fine but I can't afford to pay the bill so I don't know what'll happen." I replied, I'm sorry. I thanked him for taking care of the car gifting and handed him an annual bill that he also needs to fund that I'm no longer taking care of.
Asked him if he paid the excise tax and he said, 'not yet.
H is hurting but clearly not quite sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Self-care is important. Boundaries are flying. Enough is enough. No tears. No feeling sorry for him. I was as detached as I've been.
I have no room for infidelity. I wasn't built for this betrayal. Still working to forgive. Praying for a softened heart. Until then, boundaries are flying.
Kicked the radio up and sang my heart out the entire ride home. As I parked, I already had a text from him with the odometer reading that was needed. Responsible.
There is more business to come.
Filing is off the table. For now.
Didn't tell the kids about OW.
D asked if I had talked to H. I said nope. She was sad and asked why. I said, I'm accepting dad's decisions and behaving accordingly. After a lengthy stare, she said, OK. Her wheels are spinning.
H wished the kids a happy Pi day on 3/14. We used to celebrate with a series of pies. D ignored his text. S asked what kind of pie H was getting. H said he wasn't going to have pie. hmmm
