Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[MamaG]

Hi G!

Before providing an update on my thread, I read through your update and focused on the bold theme before each song. It hit me. If you read it with the MLCer hat on, it fits. If you read it with the LBS hat on, it fits. I sat and pondered. Two journeys. Two different journeys. Two similar paths.

Your update hit home here. We fight. We fight for ourselves. We fight for our kids. We fight for what matters.

We cycle. And then we cycle again. Who are you? Where do you go now? Depending upon the day, the answer can be so different.

Time. You have the gift of time. Keep living life. And loving life. The answers will come. The answers may change. New answers are sure to come. Like you, I keep loving the kids. Keep being a stable parent.

[grok]

Thanks MamaG. I mean to write two thoughts in reply and look what happens!

Before providing an update on my thread, I read through your update and focused on the bold theme before each song. It hit me.

I'm glad what I was trying to say ... made it through.

If you read it with the MLCer hat on, it fits. If you read it with the LBS hat on, it fits. I sat and pondered. Two journeys. Two different journeys. Two similar paths.

Very true. Stick around here long enough and read through archives ... The commonalities between the LBS and MLC/WAS/WW/WH are notable. They are in crisis ... and so are you after having a bomb dropped. Yep, reactions to crisis run along similar paths

And talk about similar paths - the LBS often ends up ready to be a WAS. Your latest update sounds like you are starting to perceive that feeling and start asking that question.

Me? Well, the "wife goggles" dropped off a while back. I am divorced. The unanswered question... would I even want this version of her back? Or perhaps a better question would be ... would this new version of me want this version of her back?

Unanswered because ... I ... choose not to address or worry about things that don't need answering right now.

Your update hit home here. We fight. We fight for ourselves. We fight for our kids. We fight for what matters.

We cycle. And then we cycle again. Who are you? Where do you go now? Depending upon the day, the answer can be so different.

I still do cycle. Though muted now. and irregular. Usually, some minor trigger like discussed with Caligirl previously. I mostly have my peace. The questions continue to sit patiently for my answers.

Lots of thoughts along those lines I have in my head prompted by your latest update.

Time. You have the gift of time. Keep living life. And loving life. The answers will come. The answers may change. New answers are sure to come. Like you, I keep loving the kids. Keep being a stable parent.

I just let my cycles just flow though. now. Paraphrasing the Litany Against Fear from Dune:

I will permit the cycle to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the cycle existed, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

for

Life is to Live.

Dogs. Church. Grocery shopping. Separating angry sisters for a while. Cooking meals for the week with one daughter. A little Superbowl party with my kids. Being sure to thank the other daughter for cleaning the house with son. Chuckling and overseeing D19 and D18 who wanted to try having - a Cosmopolitan and Spiked Ice Tea. Kids troop out for a five-minute goodnight to mom at the curb. Cleanup. Empty the dryer. Nighttime routines.

Working on returning to my source of being. In accord with the way things are.

“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu

g

[MamaG]

Having a full house is exhausting. I can appreciate that. On the flip side, it keeps you on your toes and certainly occupied. So occupied that you can "choose not to address or worry about things that don't need answering right now." That's a good thing right? You can think things through thoroughly and at your pace. There's that gift of time...

Alternatively, an empty nest provides for the option to think and overthink. Routines are here but dogs are less demanding. Heck, I even find that Dog2 is perfectly comfortable not waiting for my return to take care of his business. He only requires food and water. Outdoor trips are optional.

Loving the littles, or not so littles, while they're still at home was heartwarming. I also remember the craze and how stressful it was.

I still do cycle. Though muted now. and irregular. Usually, some minor trigger like discussed with Caligirl previously. I mostly have my peace. The questions continue to sit patiently for my answers.

Lots of thoughts along those lines I have in my head prompted by your latest update.

I admire your patience. Perhaps you've always been patient. This is something I've worked at for 2 years. And still work on.

Hopeful that prompting thoughts in you led to self-reflection...and eventually the answers will come.

[grok]

Just back from two nights away from home for work. Up to NC for a day to get a demo of a vendors next generation product.

I set up S13, D18 and D19 for success before I left. They can run the household just fine for a few days. Dishes tend to wait until I come back and enforce washing though....

This time around it appears XW did spend a 4+ of hours each day here in the home with the children.

Before I left -

D19, "Dad, I don't like it when you're gone."
G, "OK. Though you know you are all capable children and do very well even when I'm not there. What bothers you when I'm not here?"
D19, "I know ... but I'm always worried if something happens how I will get help. Which friend I'd call to ask their Dad or someone to come help."

I reassured her she is smart and capable and will deal well with whatever comes up. It stuck in my mind she didn't mention XW. That bothers me a bit. I'm still mulling over exactly why it bothers me.

On the practical side, perhaps I need to put a call list on the fridge of people she can call.

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Even just a close friend who they would call . I think my oldest child has the phone numbers of my besties and would gladly call them .

I feel for you but being the solid parent is just that . The solid parent . My older children do not go to my first H for anything . Nada zip zilch . I never talk about my first marriage , I call it a quickie . Very young . Had two kids and split very quickly . Never even looked back .

You gave good advice and confidence. Kids need that even when they get into adulthood. They are still kids . In my 40s I still call my parents mommy and daddy . If I call my parents home and say “ I need to talk to my father “ my mother will hand over the phone to him and say it sounds serious she asked for her father prepare yourself . Ha !

You are doing great parenting!!!

[grok]

Joy this evening as D18 returns from a gymnastics meet in GA. A long couple of days for her.

Laughter as the kids and I watch "The Little Mermaid" as part of sisters giving S13 a tour through all the Disney movies. As older children now they are VERY critical of the characters. Ariel is criticized as a "stupid 16 year old" and "no wonder her dad tried to keep her at home, she's delusional" and "I don't remember the characters like this from when I first saw it at seven years old" LOL

then, I periodically cycle back to 1 year 11 months ago. Like now when I pay alimony #10 of #18 and Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin is in my playlist. I remember a few posts ago -

Eden has turned to ashes. Wayward Wife, why are you not with me through it all? Is that not the covenant we joined?

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

As older children now they are VERY critical of the characters. Ariel is criticized as a "stupid 16 year old" and "no wonder her dad tried to keep her at home, she's delusional"

Haha. It’s interesting to see one’s children growing into adults, ain’t it.

G, "OK. Though you know you are all capable children and do very well even when I'm not there. What bothers you when I'm not here?"

I’d remove “children” when speaking to daughters about grown up stuff and responsibilities and such. It’s a little gentle steering of them. An almost unnoticeable setting the bar higher. And they like to reach those goals, albeit mostly unwittingly for a few more years.

D19, "I know ... but I'm always worried if something happens how I will get help. Which friend I'd call to ask their Dad or someone to come help."

I reassured her she is smart and capable and will deal well with whatever comes up. It stuck in my mind she didn't mention XW. That bothers me a bit. I'm still mulling over exactly why it bothers me.

On the practical side, perhaps I need to put a call list on the fridge of people she can call.

Having a list of contacts will definitely lessen that worrying.

Years ago, I made a list of emergency numbers and mounted it in a nice frame on the wall by the phone. It has the hospital, fire, my cell number, grandma’s phone, etc, and our address. The address is important, during an emergency it’s surprising how our brains kind of short circuit and we blank.

I also showed/trained my kids on how to shut off a few things around the house, just in case. (I live in rural area, water and sewer is not provided by the town/municipality.)

- The location and operation of the main water valve.

- The electrical panels and the index of the circuit breakers.

- The circuit breaker for the well water pump.

- The circuit breaker for the hot water tank.

- The circuit breaker for the septic pump. Also operation of septic system.

- How to reset/restart the geothermal furnace (heat and air conditioning) if the thermostat gets stuck or mixed up.

- The main circuit breaker of the main electrical panel. (Last resort thing. If there’s a big problem, just shut it off.)

- Hid a spare key outside, in case they lost their’s.

Of course, at this point they knew how to operate the stove/oven, laundry machine, and so on. Even those the dishwasher was somewhat ignored.

And even now - all in their twenties, some married, home owners - it like back then, XW/Mom is not on their list of who’d they reach out to for help.

D

[MamaG]

Haha - 10 of 18! But who's counting? You're seeing the light. Good for you!

[grok]

Haha - 10 of 18! But who's counting? You're seeing the light. Good for you!

Who’s Counting?

Well.... Counting in a sense, though certainly not waiting to live and love life. It is ~25% of my income so counting in the sense of there isn’t lots of disposable spare cash while maintaining a similar level of life the kids are used to. I’m also paying 100% of D18 and S13’s expenses. D19 pays me each month such that I only pay for ~25% of her living expenses.

On the other hand, XW sent back about half of the payments and requested they be put against the car debt I had accepted. So… after the 18 payments are done my cash flow will be markedly more positive. No alimony and the car debt gone.

Making Plans

It’s already earmarked for various things. Supporting D18’s college plans. D19 wants to get a project car and fix it with me. We are considering a Mazda Miata (MX5) since I have experience with those or a Chevy Corvette (Vrooooom Vroooom D19 squeals). A motorcycle for me since it has been 10+ years …. I sold my last one because I couldn’t fit it and all the family $$ and responsibilities both. I lost a little piece of me in that.

leaving expectations behind

XW did not like it when I remarked at mediation that I was unwilling to subsidize her (choices). Internally I had decided only I was willing to do limited alimony so my children could have their teacher and transportation while I have a full-time day job. I know what she was capable of doing/earning. I she had pressed I would have pressed an imputed income claim.

She of course took it in ways not intended so she could be offended. Yeah, all those reasons we are told to drink that STFU smoothie.

I am doing my best to have no expectations of XW and set up my life that way. For my own heart. Thus what you read above.

So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

Farther Along - Josh Garrels

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man dies, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
…
There's so much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down to the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness, alright

[Chorus]
Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by

g

[grok]

Travel now and then

I sit in the airport this morning, where my posts show I have more time to write, departing for another trip for work again. One day in San Diego. Sounds dumb, but is the least troublesome solution to a contractual requirement of a vendor.

My travel is starting to get routine for my children young adults. I had begged off quite a few trips over the last year. XW’s presence in the home, despite being allowed by our agreement, was … intermittent. And almost two years since the Bomb, I, and they, have created a home with no mom. Routines, duties, expectations….and they are older and wiser from those fast paced teen growth years moving into young adults. DnJ is right. And Caligirl is right. Children and Parents are always such… AND setting my words to reflect my expectations from them as young adults IS appropriate and needed here.

Late in the day, I’m coming back to type some more as I await a second leg. Stuck in Dallas from delayed (X3 flights) and canceled flights (X2 flights) we switched to alternates (airlines claim storms). I think after eight hours in DFW we’ll make our destination about midnight. It turns out that expensive credit card that includes airport lounge access will be worth it. Ha! Food and drink in lounge #1 for a couple hours. A mile stroll in the airport (it is huge) and repeat in lounge #2.

I like DnJ’s thoughts on EPs (Emergency Procedures) and contacts. It’s on my ToDo list. Perhaps I won’t go as far as having the kids memorize Boldface sections. In institutions such as military where life and limb or huge $$ are at risk, Boldface are short action sequences written in that typeface and required to be memorized. When trouble comes you follow the sequence without having to engage a panicked brain.

Movie nights continued

D19 continued the Disney movie sequence with S13 tonight featuring Aladdin. Since I’m not there I think they were up until midnight finishing it and kitchen clean up. … a win is a win right?

In the mean time I got a call from D18 on her way home from gymnastics. She had twisted an ankle as ”I did something dumb Dad. I was showing off a handspring outside. How much Ibuprofen can I take tonight? The coach will kill me if I don’t take care of this.” I relayed advice from my Dad, a retired MD. Though not advice so high as military docs will tell you, -> ”Take 800mg and come see me in the morning if that doesn’t work.”. LOL

G, ”Hey D18, your sister and brother are continuing tonight with Aladdin. You going to critique Jasmine tonight?”

D18, ”Yeaaaahhh … That stupid princess lived in a CASTLE with SERVANTS. She could have done just about anything she wanted.”. And on she ranted. I laughed.

-> I am quite happy to see my young ladies RECOGNIZE the princesses are making emotion based decisions, on what they FEEL in the moment, without considering a larger picture, values, or risks. This capacity will serve them well.

D18, about both Jasmine and Ariel, ”Her dad should have kept her locked up for a while.”.

Hahahahaha.

Recognizing the role of Dad in keeping daughter from doing dumb things….

g

Oh…

And a cover that surprised me in my playlist

Come Undone - My Darkest Days (originally by Duran Duran)

Who do you need,
Who do you love,
When you come undone.
Who do you need,
Who do you love,
When you come undone.

I can't help but keep from falling apart,
At the seams, (who do you need)
I cannot believe you're taking my heart,
To pieces (who do you love)