G, I love that you've earmarked payment #19 and beyond to you and your kids. And you have specific plans that you have given thought to. Dreams. Prioritizing you! This makes me smile.
The corvette sounds like a fun car to drive as a young adult. I know as a 19 year old, I would have looked forward to time with dad to 'fix it' and then drive around in it. Checking and adjusting as a team. Great idea and a practical approach. As for the motorcycle, sounds like there's some history there and you are making plans. Happy for you. Oh and college pymts...
Investing in you and your kids. This is how I define joy. Although as Valeska has pointed out, perhaps I've taken my 'investing' too far with adult kids. Mine are less young adults...perhaps even adults.
While you stop in to SD, give my S a big hug from MG. One day sounds silly but I've been where you are and sadly, understand. Traveling does provide for time for self. To think. To live. To enable children to move into adulthood. They'll be better for it....and you're seeing that already based on your posts.
Originally Posted by G
leaving expectations behind
XW did not like it when I remarked at mediation that I was unwilling to subsidize her (choices). Internally I had decided only I was willing to do limited alimony so my children could have their teacher and transportation while I have a full-time day job. I know what she was capable of doing/earning. I she had pressed I would have pressed an imputed income claim.
She of course took it in ways not intended so she could be offended. Yeah, all those reasons we are told to drink that STFU smoothie.
You are a wise man. Reasonable and measured. You know your worth. It took me a bit to get here and the weight on the shoulders has gotten lighter.
Wow, has it been almost a month since my last post?! The month has been.... a time of consolidating myself. Of focusing inward and being present. Of feeling and contemplating as the two-year mark approached. That night of March 27 that kicked it all off when she said she wanted a separation, that she had "feelings" for another man. I didn't sleep at all that night. I left before anyone was up, drove to a local preserve, then started walking/hiking until after dark the next day.
Of course, at the time I did not know she was MUCH further along down that road or ... as this text editor just suggested to me ... that rabbit hole. I wondered and watched myself for thoughts and feelings that would surface this month. Many have. And then I realized on Saturday the 29th ... that date of terror had passed ... a few days ago.
Ha! I have been busy LIVING. I'll call that a marker of progress.
Discussion at work
Sitting at work, at a coworker's desk so as to log into a network not available at my desk, I was listening to the conversation around me between coworkers I don't' know well. Two men and one woman. Not young and not old since this is a place for skilled and experienced people. It was about relationships, Divorces, etc...
G, "I have learned a lot about these things over the last two years. Things I never expected to need to be smart about. Maybe I should have been growing and learning about these things...
Man 1, "Financially, people take a big hit if you split." G, "True. I will never catch up on investments. I had been thinking about why that is. If you take a typical professional couple's assets they will fall out something like 30% in the house, 10% cash/savings, 60% investments/retirement. In my divorce 50% is mine and I kept the house and children. So my share is the 30% house, 5% cash, 15% of the investments. With compounding, that 15% investments will never catch up to 60% it was before."
Man 2, "Some men never recover themselves." G, nods and just thinks. His statement echos what my best man said to me when we reconnected last year. "G, I see so many men get stuck after a divorce. They cannot see that there is more life out there. I'm so glad to see you are working forward."
And it seems to tie in with the red-pill community notion that men are actually the more romantic and idealistic ones ... women the more mercenary. Men often seem to recover much slower than women who seem to move right on to the next man who "conquers" them.
Which lead to a discussion of why and the effects of rampant social media use, the attendant ego inflation because of attention, and I introduced new words - hypergamy and solipsism.
When snooping, I found my XW demonstrated hypergamy with her statement to OM, "I didn't know I could attract someone like you. I should have had higher standards before.". That pierced. Even when I know for our first two years together, she was a mess, emotionally and otherwise. I spent the time as her rock and she stabilized.
The latter concept illustrated by the story of how Legos eventually was successful at selling products for little girls. It had to do with when little boys played a character, some Lego minifig, The LITTLE BOY took on the CHARACTER'S TRAITS. When little girls play a character, some Lego minifig, The CHARACTER takes on the little GIRL'S TRAITS.
Also illustrated by a meme making the rounds. A man and a woman take a picture of some scene of interest. The man's picture is of the scene only. The woman's picture is of her, with the scene in the background. Both consider it a picture of the scene. For her, the scene is only important in the relationship to her or the status it gives her. For the man, the scene is interesting in and of itself.
The female co-worker is nodding her head to this.
Continued DB reading
The latest...thread series by ScottB - WAW Hired a Divorce Coach.
I'm not finished yet. Many strong advisors in this series - LH19, Ginger1, SteveLW, Traveler, Ready2Change, Steve85, Sandi2, bttrfly, ... And many more.
There are also great linked threads such as "WAS Script" which is about the script elements and how to respond, often counterintuitively, to those elements.
And then I realized on Saturday the 29th ... that date of terror had passed ... a few days ago.
Ha! I have been busy LIVING. I'll call that a marker of progress.
Yes, definitely positive progress.
I’m glad the day passed smoothly and beneath notice. Such a present day accomplishment was likely unfathomable two years ago. Ah, time. That precious gift.
Well done my friend. Continue moving forward g.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, the previous sub-topics will have to wait another day. I've been thinking and feeling and connecting
Originally Posted by DnJ
I’m glad the day passed smoothly and beneath notice. Such a present day accomplishment was likely unfathomable two years ago. Ah, time. That precious gift.
with something my mom sent me the other day.
Originally Posted by texted by G's mom
Thinking of grief, of our own and especially dear ones… Jim Carrey is believed to have said: “Grief is not just an emotion—it’s an unraveling, a space where something once lived but is now gone. It carves through you, leaving a hollow ache where love once resided.”
In the beginning, it feels unbearable, like a wound that will never close. But over time, the raw edges begin to mend. The pain softens, but the imprint remains—a quiet reminder of what once was. The truth is, you never truly "move on." You move with it. The love you had does not disappear; it transforms. It lingers in the echoes of laughter, in the warmth of old memories, in the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there. And that’s okay.
Grief is not a burden to be hidden. It is not a weakness to be ashamed of. It is the deepest proof that love existed, that something beautiful once touched your life. So let yourself feel it. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself remember.
There is no timeline, no “right” way to grieve. Some days will be heavy, and some will feel lighter. Some moments will bring unexpected waves of sadness, while others will fill you with gratitude for the love you were lucky enough to experience.
Honor your grief, for it is sacred. It is a testament to the depth of your heart. And in time, through the pain, you will find a degree of healing—not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together. (Attempted to find the author, but at this point, anonymous) 💕
In reading this I remembered and cycled back through two years of emotions. couldn't breath. couldn't see. couldn't hear. and then the world faded back into being.
G in response, This is ... True. I think. The nearness for me ...means I have a hard time responding. Perhaps in small doses. I have waked the narrow path between falling into Jade, hard as can be or on the other side into nothingness. It is no longer a knifes edge but I feel it still.
I connect this also to the thread of thought that men often express love through commitment and sacrifice of parts of themselves. Some authors expressed it akin to cutting off an arm or a leg. Now ... It feels like I am missing an arm or leg. that place where a wife once was connected is partly healed over. a tender wound. a place where I was once a larger whole. yet like phantom limb syndrome, I have "the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there."
For readers who have not guessed by now, I don't move very fast emotionally. Both toward and away I move in ways that tend to the permanent or long term. With that in mind, "he truth is, you never truly "move on." You move with it." seems to describe me.
In that sense I "find a degree of healing—not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together."
Holding on to FAITH. For carrying both .... well, you all know.
"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken" Psalm 55:22
For HE is older than the sun.
Older Than The Sun - Colorvault
You’re always to remember I’m older than the sun I’m stronger than your foes He had to let you go For him who I am
(I’m older than the sun) (I’m older than the sun) And you’re my loved
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
I always start with a short outline... And end up telling a story.
I started to type this out a week and a half ago on a Sunday night after collapsing tired and realizing there was not a bit of spare time in the day. What had I done all day? What daily life have I created for me/us? What have I been doing over the last year plus?
Part of pulling back for a month of consolidation was looking back. It can be hard to see the bigger picture and progress when you are head down and hurting.
Bigger changes in the last year and a half
I worked with all three children to reset their bedrooms...from children's rooms to young adult rooms. paint on walls, new desks and cabinets, new closet arrangements, new decorations, etc...
The laundry room has a new washer and dryer stacked along with laundry storage to keep it out of other spots.
I have an open floor plan downstairs with a playroom/familyroom side. This last month we reset the space to be open again while keeping common desks and the giant project table (Ikea hack - made of four solid wood desktops (55"x28") laid on top of four cubby style shelves on their sides (Kallax)). The dogs love it to race around in and the children have taken to laying on the floor there. The red velvet couch (I had found it used, specifically to tickle XWs fancy) is under the big bay window now.
The tiny back yard is now fully chicken and garden space. This last couple have months has seen the two remaining chickens start laying every day. Delicious fresh eggs!
I drive a small truck now instead of the sporty cars and motorcycles I have always had. It fits all four of us and stuff for home and outings to beach or biking. Utility has its own attractions... And I can laugh and drive over curbs now. Kids just roll their eyes.
I have created stability and routines at home where my children have found a safe place to stay with apparently no desire to live with mom.
My own internal changes? Well, that is a bigger story on its own. Short version - working on living a confident life for my own purposes. HT to Mach1 in my first thread:
Originally Posted by Mach1
As I think about it , what comes to mind is....
"Beware The Ides of March....."
I see a strong, capable, confident man taking the wheel and steering the ship....
What I also see....
Is a strong, capable man taking the wheel and steering the ship....
Be careful Grok....on which shoulder wins...
Days Filled
On the smaller scale, I find my days filled.
Up at dawn to take big dog for our mile plus walk. I need it as much as the dog does LOL.
Then it is making the breakfast for us four. Fried and scrambled eggs (fresh from D18's chickens), bacon, spicy chicken sausage bits, and on...
It is a potluck day at church, and I meant to make a blueberry pie. I confirm I would have had to start it the day before though. Not enough time. OK then. Plan 2, I'll make the Carroll Shelby Texas Chilli mix.... and then find I only have 1.3 lbs ground beef left in the freezer. I will not be stopped or disturbed. Backup to the backup plan is Tripple Chocolate Brownie mix. I HAVE all the ingredients, and it doesn't take long. HA!
About the time I put it in the oven, D19 is first down the stairs.
D19, "Dad, do I haaave to go to church today? I wanted to hang out with N. I haven't see her much in months. And she has something at 4pm. And we wanted to go down to the outlet mall. And there isn't enough time if I go after church. And ... And..."
G, "D19, you are an adult now. If a young one. You will have to decide this for yourself. You know the reasons why we go and what our commitments are. We can talk about all of it. You will also have to decide and try it out each time. You won't know for YOURSELF what is right until you make choices and consider them afterwards. I won't be disappointed or angry for either choice.". We discussed for a bit and she decided to visit with the friend this time. And to think about it.
Off I went with S13 and D18 to church. After helping S13 find his shoes again (barefoot is his usual mode). I had an interesting time expanding on the sermon by putting the outline elements along with verses into a modern AI system and asking it to expand using respected Bible commentary. The results were fascinating and useful.
The brownies were reasonably popular at potluck. S13 ate plain noodles.... Sigh. A work in progress. D18 was using Instagram and saw a post about a local u-pick place. "Dad, Dad! Can we go?". I said sure, just make sure they are open. ... And off we went to pick a ½ flat of fresh strawberries, 1 large purple onion, and flowers (Chocolate Sunflower, Snap Dragon, Zinnia, and Statice) for $10. Winning!
Arriving home meant washing and eating strawberries, flowers in a vase, and a short NAP.
It didn't take long before I was up though. There is so much to do. -> G, get a move on ... You are IT now. I headed out to the back yard to start the disassembly of the large rotting play/swing set. D18 comes out shortly after asking if I want help. Of course I do! Though I think it might have to with wanting to use the sledgehammer to knock it apart... This has needed doing for two years, but I have kept in mind some early words that D18 said to me, "Dad, don't change things too fast. It's too much.". Wise child.
D19 shows up and says, "we have to go now! Grocery shopping! Store is closing!". It turns out she is right. A quick shower to wash off all the dirt and debris and off we go. It takes about an hour and a half, but we get the weeks supplies. We'll start cooking when we get home. D18 and S13 have the job of picking up around the house while we are out.
While she starts the cooking, I take to wet-vacuuming the landing of our stairs. Little dog had taken to peeing there when no one was looking during the day. grrrrr.... and then on to cooking also. Ds refuse to touch or make meat products...only to eat them, LOL. Chicken and ground beef for a casserole, chicken wraps, Chili, a salad, and on. After we are done, cooking and storing, I fill the dishwasher and have the children do 30 dishes each.
Almost bed time and time to walk the dogs, put chickens in their little barn.... XW shows up at the curb to say goodnight to children. Since late January, she has been pretty consistent about this. She messages them, not me, when she arrives and usually D19 herds the other two out the door.
Whew! So tired. Didn't get to driving practice with D18 or doing taxes with Ds or RC car with S13 or .... Still, this was a good day full of life.
Looking back at the last couple of days and the last two years as I lay in bed at almost 11 after herding everyone upstairs - listening to
My Lord Provided - Coquí
Are you feeling alone, scared of leaving the room? Disappointed, and angry, and feeling confused? Are you weak in your faith 'cause you can't take the truth? Or did someone's hypocrisy make for excuse?
When the weight of the world seems to pull you behind And your thoughts overgrow, flooding all through your mind Does it scare you to think that you're not in control? What if I told you just how to let it all go? ... Oh, I'm grateful for the day When I decided to pray Gave all my worries away My Lord provided the way
g
P.S. Still working on writing "Gym meets and XW uses washing machine"
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.
Originally Posted by BL42
Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
The Songs of Distant Earth is by Mike Oldfield, released on 21 November 1994. It is a concept album based on the 1986 science fiction novel The Songs of Distant Earth by Arthur C. Clarke... based upon his 1958 short story of the same title. The story is set in the 39th century and depicts the journey of the spaceship Magellan as it carries a large group of colonists in suspended animation to a distant planet after Earth's sun goes nova. En route, it has to stop for repairs at the planet Thalassa, which was colonised 700 years earlier but the colonists there lost contact with Earth for the past couple of centuries. The story delves into the cultural and emotional impact of the distant Earth’s demise on both sets of colonists, and how humans from two different worlds and societies interact with each other.
The novel explores apocalyptic, atheistic, and utopian ideas, as well as the effects of long-term interstellar travel, high technology, and extra-terrestrial life. Additional themes include human survival, adaptation, and the challenges of starting anew on an alien world.
Let There be Light - Mike Oldfield from The Songs Of Distant Earth
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good.
Burning... Melting... Dissolving...
Animus. Fultus. Salus.
...and God said Let there be Light
g
***The first part is an extract spoken by Lunar Module Pilot Wiiliam Anders, from the Apollo 8 crew live television broadcast, made when the first manned mission to the moon entered lunar orbit on Christmas Eve, December 24th, 1968.
... to reflect on the nature of light, both literally and metaphorically, as a symbol of hope and knowledge... words like "Burning," "Melting," and "Dissolving," as capturing the process of change and transformation... evoke sensations and imagery that imply an intense, even chaotic, experience... "Animus" refers to the spirit or soul, "Fultus" suggests support or sustenance, and "Salus" is associated with health and well-being. Together, they suggest that the essence of life and its many facets hang in a delicate balance, waiting for an illumination that can guide them.***
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.
Originally Posted by BL42
Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
Not to go too much against Scottie B and BL42 because I have agreed with them many times.
I agree that the mere choice of an affair as a coping mechanism is not about you. It's theirs.
However to say you did not play a part in the story or perhaps aren't the cause of that pain... I'm not so sure.
Lots of evidence out there suggest affairs are symptoms of a marriage breakdown in many cases.
Also let's be honest... there were problems well before the affair happened. Now was the LBS in tune with it or not - matters. Perhaps they didn't see it as a problem. Perhaps they didn't acknowledge how big of a problem it was.
Perhaps being willing to work on the marriage - now when on the brink of losing it (or lost it) is too late.
And finally - no one is perfect.
No one should take all the blame... but most in this world don't take the appropriate amount either.
Emotional intelligence and awareness is a skill learned... unfortunately not one taught to us in school.
P.S. Keep up the good work G. You speak firm yet kind about your XW in all of this. High roads are harder but never regrettable.
Last edited by Valeska19; 04/11/2506:33 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks V, and... I don't exempt myself from the issues described that the LBS often has. The "you" does apply to me also. Devil is in the details for my sitch. Lots of provoked thoughts...maybe time to type another day.
spring XW interactions - pt 1
So.... My impression is since mid-January my XW has done some sort of reset of herself. Around that time she sent me a message stating how she would now pick up S13 every weekday a 9:00 and take him to her workshop for his schooling. Along with a number of other declarative statements. Has she? well.... Not exactly ... But she has picked him up most weekdays for some hours. S13 has definitely been grumpier about having to do school work in a no distraction environment...LOL. Her stopping by at the curb to say goodnight to our young ones has gotten more regular also.
Our communication is limited. I have remained pretty dark. I think for my own sake. When we have messaged or talked, she seems to assume know a lot more about what is going on in her life than I do. I have not looked for information at all about what she is doing. I do not ask the kids about her either. I listen if they want to say anything.
Gym meets and XW uses washing machine
I a fit of irritation a year plus ago I renamed the family text chat group to "Child Coordination" instead of "Family," and I've left it that way ever since. The irritation was driven by how I felt about her coming back from the state mandated parenting class and happily spouting the idea presented that, "Oh, we are still a family, just one with two homes and living separately."
Last month XW messaged the group, "I can't take her to the upcoming meet. Someone else will have to." and left it at that. To these type missives, I will reply "OK" or D19 will hit it with a thumbs up. D19 and I have an understanding that she and I will work out how to take care of whatever it is. In this case I'll drive and D19 will help do D18's hair. D19 has other obligations but will drive down late with a friend. XW has completely stopped doing D18's meet hair (She had done it for 10+ years...) I don't know if that was by D18's choice or XW's choice.
I look up the meet info and find it is about a two-hour drive south of us. D18's group starts at ~6pm ... So it will be a late night. G, "Hey S13, you are coming with us to D18's gymnastics meet. We'll be back late Saturday night." S13, "Daaaaad, do I have to?" yes, he has to. no sitting home along on the computer for eight hours while we are gone.... G, "S13, I trust you here alone and you would be OK, but I don't want you here by yourself."
While at the meet I receive in the group chat a message from XW. "Would you like me to let the dogs out since you will be back late?"
Hmmmm.... I pondered a response for a few minutes. Where had this come from? I replied, "Yes, the dogs will appreciate not having to wait past their normal time."
A short time later my phone alerts. The thumbnail shows XW arriving. I don't think anything of it. Doorbell alerts continue and I figure dogs are getting a short walk. Then....20 minutes go by and another alert. I'm a little curious thinking it might be an Amazon delivery or something. When I look...it is XW leaving. ??? What then was that 20 minute gap? I scroll back through the alerts and my eye catches something at the beginning. That looks like XW carrying in a laundry basket. Huh. Was she loading laundry during that gap?
So I wait. Sure enough ... About an hour and a half later I get another alert. I see it is XW. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Not really offended. A little bit amused. I check the indoor cameras. She is not downstairs. She has not entered the MB. The light is on beside the upstairs laundry room. After 10 minutes she leaves again. ... and back again in another hour apparently to pick up the dry laundry.
Huh. ...
D18 takes 2nd overall at her level. Well done!
We make it home before midnight. .... I take D18 to the meet the next weekend also. Surprise! 2.5 hrs north instead of south this time. D18 was sad and dealing with worse performance. She didn't make regionals because of this meet. She questioned what all her effort was for and I tried to listen and validate.
Sometimes it feels like the sound of winter blowing through me.
The Sound of Winter - Bush on the album The Sea of Memories
Mind strong, body strong Try to find equilibrium Head straight, screwed on We screwed up for too long I don't want to lean on the waves I watched the storm evaporate I think of you and starry skies That keeps you so alive
It's all in your face I see a break It's like the sound of winter The bleeding of love The silent escape You've got to hang on to yourself It's like the sound of winter
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Well, I was going to make sequential posts but... This morning was odd.
I was out the front door a little late to walk big dog before dawn at 6a and I noticed a vehicle at the end of our street a few houses down with headlights on. I squint and yep, that is XW's vehicle. ??? No reason to be here I know of. I walk the dog a mile plus. She is still there when I get back and D19 is departing for work. I depart for work at 6:55a and see she is still there but headlights are off. I'm curious now. When I get to work I check the security cameras. XW pulled into the driveway and parked about 20 minutes after I left. She then proceeded inside. S13 and D18 were still asleep.
I check the inside cameras.
XW is curled up on the comfy couch in the living room.
It looks like she is sleeping.
after all, that is where I put the new spring cozy throw blanket with bunnies and flowers...
(I saw a group chat message later that said "We need to leave for your senior thesis around 8 am. I am going to sleep for an hour outside the house so I won’t waste travel time.")
..... Background yesterday .....
Yesterday was the homeschool coop day of the week. I expected S13 and D18 to be dropped off at home as usual and their coop end of year/graduation ceremony starts at 6p. Instead XW picks up S13 and D18 afterwards and goes to D18's gymnastics. I only know because I check their location ... Since when I get home they are not there. D19 arrives home and there is ~30 minutes until we have to depart for the ceremony.
D19 and I look at each other, shrug and get ready, and depart so as to be there 15 minutes early. We are both thinking since there has been no communications otherwise, and she is currently transporting them, XW will be taking S13 and D18 to the event. Twenty minutes later, down the road with D19, I get a call from S13 asking where I was and when I was picking up S13 and D18. $%@#$%@#$^# I hear D18 in the background, panicky, "He didn't know. No one told Daddy... We'll call mom to come back to get us."
It turns out D18 had not been able to get anyone to cover her work shift at the gym. She did get XW to come back and transport them to the event. She was on time for her part. S13 missed half of his on-stage time. I remained polite but dark as she sat at our table. I gave the benediction -
Almighty God of heaven and of earth,
Today we celebrate our remarkable graduates
We have watched as they pursued wisdom, virtue, and knowledge with diligence and grace.
We thank You for their families, teachers, friends and the wider community who guided them with love and commitment.
As they stand at this this new beginning, we ask Your blessings upon them.
Grant them courage as they walk into their future,
Grant them discernment in seeking truth, and grant them compassion for others along the way.
May their hearts and minds be anchored in Your love so their lives are a reflection of you.
Guide their steps, Lord, as they carry your light into the world. May they be a blessing to others, as You have so blessed them.
In Your name, this we pray,
Amen.
Staying out of the gutter ... by letting go fear
Gutter - Lunatic Soul
in the shadow of my grief I can hear whispered sounds feel a cold breath on my skin here they come to assert their rights
the fear is what I need, what I need to believe the fear is what I need, what I need to feel
and so i dragged myself int this gutter of mine where shades of prey feed on my soul
g
Side story - I departed the event with S13, D18, and D19. When we got home the front door was wide open. Shock to all of us. Not sure who left it open and unlocked. Inside smelled bad. ... Big dog had throw up and diarrhea in his crate. Little dog had throw up in her crate. Both did more of the same when we took them for their night walk. Best guess is they were panicked about the open door and sounds. Late night crate cleaning and wet vacuuming. Then finalizing tax extensions also. So tired.
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
One day sounds silly but I've been where you are and sadly, understand. Traveling does provide for time for self. To think. To live. To enable children to move into adulthood. They'll be better for it....and you're seeing that already based on your posts. 
