The start of a new year. My heart is full after a rich and deeply meaningful holiday season.
My hopes and dreams are for health and joy for myself and my family. I am investing there and excited and encouraged with hope. I anticipate joyous celebrations, parties and feasts not the least of which surround Ds upcoming wedding.
I am prepared for challenges, difficulties and discomfort the best I can be and I intend to stay on course.
Eldest D got away from the SoCal fires safely with her little family today and I am profoundly thankful.it was hard to concentrate on work today but I did while also checking in with D lots and keeping family apprised. Heading to bed tired and happy.
The western sky is beautiful at dusk after a long Saturday at work. Further south those skies are horrific, apocalyptic. I am thankful for shelter and safety as I pour a glass of wine and put on a chill before dinner playlist for son and I.
I have one day off tomorrow to start the week. Church, family and then a run followed by sauna and steam. Opportunities for social dancing tonight but I might stay in.
Taking some time in the mountains again. it is a great change of pace. the weather is phenomenal and ive been enjoying good company and recreation. I get some work done up here as well. sometimes a change is as good as a rest.
been looking for a little time and energy to update here. i have ben reading others' stories and finding inspiration from your courage.
I suppose i am well into or perhaps beyond the last resort. Nothing clear or concrete has taken place to indicate that I am saving my M. I am however moving forward doing what i understand to be right for myself, my family and who i am meant to be.
The pain and anger are there but different now. I have been able to process quite a lot. I can quite objectively and honestly look at and address my weaknesses and ways I contributed to the breakdown of the M. And somehow now I am able to separate that and also objectively and honestly look at and tell the story of what W did by cheating. And I believe I have made progress forgiving while also being resolute that there is no way I am ok with infidelity.
As i was alone out in the wild yesterday i was imagining telling someone maybe W with great calm in my voice, "If you could imagine the most painful thing you could find to willfully do, it would be to be unfaithful, to embark upon an affair, to reject me and not be willing to talk about it or work on our M."
So here I am completely focused on other things. Learning, feeling and facing life and discomfort.
Kudos to you. I see lots of positivity, and calm, measured responses in your interactions.
Importantly, I really see a man who has started to identify his self worth. When you love yourself, then you really develop the ability to live within the now. Temporary uncertainty can be acknowledged, but fear of the unknown doesn’t control and consume you.
Just dropping past to congratulate you on your obvious personal development.
To be fair, I was fairly tough on you and swung some pretty brutal 2x4’s. I guess I saw some parts of my old self in you, and so felt invested in helping you through it. Perhaps at times I was too blunt, but it ultimately came (like all my posts) from a place of care and kindness.
Going through it and honestly, life is good and it is beautiful even if it is not always easy.
Son's needs are significant and I am all in for his care.. while also being all in for what is best for me.
I am working out and running. Getting into the mountains. Went to get my beard trimmed today. Stepped out of the barbershop feeling great and inspired to keep up with my strength training.
I have a company party coming up and I have been rationalizing about taking a date. Not dating but it would be fun. I think this is an indication that i am continuing to move forward and I have been noticing some indifference towards W these days.
Reading DnJ's repsonse to Dynamiq helped me to recognize some indifference. I am paying attention and wanting to take good care at this point.
I think it better I go solo to the party and enjoy myself as a confident and principled man who can enjoy my own company and have a great time with colleagues.
I think it better I go solo to the party and enjoy myself as a confident and principled man who can enjoy my own company and have a great time with colleagues.
I agree.
I am glad you recognized those fleeting “larger than they really are” feelings.
Confident and principled. That’s how I think of you after these years of us talking.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Saturday morning to myself. Hints of spring today but could be more winter to come. Overcast and mild temperatures. Quiet. Almost mowed my lawn a couple weeks ago before snow and ice cover.
Had a great time away last weekend with youngest S, D and D’s fiancé. We had some wedding planning conversations and a ton of fun with recreation, laughter, singing, games and good food.
I have been detaching more this year - really it’s been about a year - and I continue to GAL.
This week, after not answering several texts that didn’t need a response, I agreed to have a phone conversation with W. She had asked if we could talk on the phone. I updated her on some aspects of S’s health and care, being open and honest. She became upset that I had not told her one of the details about his health earlier and said, “you can’t push me out of our family.” … I didn’t take that bait.
Outcome of our conversation: we have decided to resume weekly phone conversations about S and to use a shared calendar about his appointments. I am reminded that she had told me that only talking to her about S was ridiculous and that whoever had advised me to do that was crazy. Honestly, I don’t want to talk to her at all. However I want to be responsible and to communicate effectively about what is important. I have listened to sage board members here and I’ve stopped looking for reasons to stay in constant contact with her. Suppose that was a 180.
The call was uncomfortable but I immediately put it on the back burner and haven’t given it conscious thought til now. It was there with some things to process and this weekend presents an opportunity to do some of that with this good cup of coffee.
Tonight, I party with my work colleagues. I look and feel great. I’m happy and healthy and am really looking forward to the planned event. I’m glad I don’t have a date. That would just really not fit with where I am at.
This week, after not answering several texts that didn’t need a response, I agreed to have a phone conversation with W. She had asked if we could talk on the phone. I updated her on some aspects of S’s health and care, being open and honest. She became upset that I had not told her one of the details about his health earlier and said, “you can’t push me out of our family.” … I didn’t take that bait.
I'm glad you didn't take the bait AND i agree that she might have a reason for being upset about your son's health seeing that he has special needs.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Outcome of our conversation: we have decided to resume weekly phone conversations about S and to use a shared calendar about his appointments. I am reminded that she had told me that only talking to her about S was ridiculous and that whoever had advised me to do that was crazy. Honestly, I don’t want to talk to her at all. However I want to be responsible and to communicate effectively about what is important. I have listened to sage board members here and I’ve stopped looking for reasons to stay in constant contact with her. Suppose that was a 180.
I'm really glad you make this decision for YOU. It doesn't matter how your wife responds or participates in the care... you can go to bed peacefully knowing that you did not allow your anger, hurt or "want to not engage" dictate your actions. You will not be the reason why your wife doesn't show up for your son.
This was a high road choice. One that will have to be made many times. Also one that will not cause no regrets.
Kudos Rock.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you V. I logged back on here after a good breakfast with S reflecting there was quite a bit more to the phone conversation - and yes I rest easy with my responses and words.
Had a great time last weekend for the company party. It was so nice to let loose and have good natured fun and feel great about it. This last weekend was also really good. Family time with my kids around and grilling on the deck.
Having detached more and more, I am really enjoying life and not worried about her. We haven’t talked since that last exchange.
I still have moments where feelings flit as DnJ says, but they have not been derailing me.
My kids are all urging me to get a grill to put on the back door lanai (covered porch for those not in FL). It's just about always grilling weather. I'm a noob at that though. A 180 for me? Any recommendations? A co-worker specked out a $500 one that makes everything easy supposedly...
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
I think it would upset most folks seeing the OP. You are not an actual "rock". You are human.
Although detachment isn't easy, It is easier to feel detached when you have little to no interaction with your former spouse. It's only when an interaction happens - that we are reminded of the anger or pain that was caused...
... and that's okay. Healing is a process and takes time. You are doing the work. That's all that matters.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Ok today was interesting. Realized how not indifferent I am.
OM walked right in front of me out in community in my hometown. I’ve never met him but recognized him.
...
I was very agitated - called my best friend and later my pastor.
Adding on to what V so ably addresses,
I think you stood up for YOU.
You didn't hide or run.
You didn't pretend it didn't exist.
Because you find HIM detestable.
Why? Well, there is a reason I saved and posted this in my first thread.
Originally Posted by Starsky309
Men and women that would knowingly get involved with a married woman or man, and prey upon their emotional weaknesses, ARE predators!! In every sense of the word. mad
I detest them. Do not "make friends" with them, do not expect them to deal honorably with you (for they are, by definition, DIShonorable) and do NOT take what they tell you as TRUTH!
OM walked right in front of me out in community in my hometown. I’ve never met him but recognized him.
I called him out. Asked what he was doing here and told him to leave.
He said this is a public restaurant and I’m going here for lunch.
I told him , “ no im going for lunch here and you need to leave now,” with no friendliness in my voice.
He left. I kept my cool and enjoyed the afternoon.
And if he hadn’t of left? What then?
Originally Posted by Rockon
This has been hard (him in my space) but I’m managing well.
“My space”. What space is that?
I get it. First time seeing the OP in the wild is a difficult moment. Bumping in to them, face to face. The space they’re intruding upon is in your head.
A restaurant is a place open to its patrons. Public places are open to everyone. You can have expectations of OM not being there or leaving if you demand such, however you will most likely be disappointed. (Unmet expectations lead to resentment.) Realize, OM has just as much a right to be a patron or attend public spaces as you do.
You control you. You can control your actions and how you react (physically) to seeing OM. The next and every subsequent time it will get easier and easier. Controlled actions will influence your emotions towards OM. And that will evict OM from your head space.
You can find him detestable. It’s not like you are going sit with him and have lunch together. Yet, you should be able to be in the same building. (Like I said, I get the first time. Next time, do better, be better. Not bitter.)
Do this inner work. Make peace with this reality. Or OM will live in your head and you’ll harbour resentment and grudges.
Have a great Saturday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She introduced OM to youngest 2 kids. I am remaining focused and on course. I called my Pastor to process. I have reached out to my kids to see if they want to talk.
I am allowing myself to feel my feelings. Going boxing tonight.
Yes, stay focused on your path. Be better, not bitter. Be Rockon2.0, Dad, the strong stable parent.
You’ve let your kids know that they can talk to you. Allow them to walk their path and figure out their relationship with Mom. They will reach out to you if/when they need/want to. Your real job here is to not demonize Mom.
It is unsurprising that Mom introduced OM. He is, after all, a person of significance in her life.
Also, why now? Why is she introducing? Stirring stuff up? Likely because you have ceased being dragged around by her, and her actions. Keep it up! Do not take her bait. Do not react to her or OM. Continue to walk your path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have been doing well. Focused and responsible and having lots of fun adventuring and enjoying winter with spring teasing here and there.
Getting into the mountains often and being consistent with gym/running/hiking, family time and enjoying friends.
W had not been responding for a couple weeks to my attempt to schedule our weekly conversation about S. I have been limiting my interactions to what is important and keeping it simple and direct.
She sent this message on the weekend:
I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
I have sat on that and been processing but haven’t responded. She didn’t ask a question just told me what to do how she feels and what she wants.
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message? As DnJ counseled, I have been diligent to not allow OM to stay in my head. And I am determined not to initiate any further contact him and will disengage if he crosses my path. I will continue to be detached and direct, simple and brief in communicating with her. I will listen (as I am to her message) if she talks. And I am not holding my breath.
So far, younger kids have not followed up to talk with me about their feelings about meeting OM. That’s fine - we continue to be close and connected. And I have expressed to them that they can share their thoughts feelings and questions anytime. I don’t know if eldest 2 have met him. I assume not.
I have also been intentional not to demonize their mom and to be supportive and not blocking their R’s with her. Thank you all for sharing your wisdom.
I have been doing well. Focused and responsible and having lots of fun adventuring and enjoying winter with spring teasing here and there.
Getting into the mountains often and being consistent with gym/running/hiking, family time and enjoying friends.
W had not been responding for a couple weeks to my attempt to schedule our weekly conversation about S. I have been limiting my interactions to what is important and keeping it simple and direct.
She sent this message on the weekend:
I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
I have sat on that and been processing but haven’t responded. She didn’t ask a question just told me what to do how she feels and what she wants.
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message? As DnJ counseled, I have been diligent to not allow OM to stay in my head. And I am determined not to initiate any further contact with him and will disengage if he crosses my path. I will continue to be detached and direct, simple and brief in communicating with her. I will listen (as I am doing, processing her message) if she talks. And I am not holding my breath. Steak dinner sounds better than engaging her.
So far, younger kids have not followed up to talk with me about their feelings about meeting OM. That’s fine - we continue to be close and connected. And I have expressed to them that they can share their thoughts feelings and questions anytime. I don’t know if eldest 2 have met him. I assume not.
I have also been intentional not to demonize their mom and to be supportive and not blocking their R’s with her. Thank you all for sharing your wisdom.
I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
Well she's clearly angry. Try not to take the bait in some of the things.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message?.
I can't find your old thread but you have been at this two years and you don't bring it up the word "divorce" often. Where are you in the divorce process? Do you have a lawyer? Are you stalling on any of the process?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I have gotten good legal advice and I am certainly realistic and ok with divorce now. I haven’t retained a lawyer but I’m hopeful we can come to an agreement and then I would have L look things over before signing. We have been slowly negotiating separation of assets by email.
I have had legal advice conversations with L from the start and I did have one this time last year correct. I don’t have them on retainer at present but can arrange for them to look over documents before i sign,
I have had legal advice conversations with L from the start and I did have one this time last year correct. I don’t have them on retainer at present but can arrange for them to look over documents before i sign,
This is what I did. Though it may not fit all situations for sure. A little snooping on my part and I was much smarter on the law and finances than XW so I was sitting pretty good for negotiating with a reasonably cooperative WW who just wanted out to pursue OM in her passive aggressive way. I did refuse to sign anything or make the final mediation appointment until I had a legal review with a family law L recommended by a work friend. The L helped me understand the risks in the mediated documents based on several decades of L work. I ended up making very few changes.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
