Hey Mike. Glad to hear your update, even if it is a difficult one. At one point ~5 years ago, my W was engaging in an EA with a co-worker (whose wife was dying of cancer....so he was mad, furstrated, looking for attention, etc.). I'd caught her wishing him a happy father's day while we were with my father celebrating father's day. Talked with my IC about it who told me, in no uncertain terms, it was time to tell W that she had to choose between him or me (and mean it of course - which I was prepared to do). He was a co-worker of mine at one point. One, in fact, who I agreed to be a reference for.
W in fairly short order blurted out that she was choosing me. I told her to take her time to be sure because if ever the boundary was crossed again, I would 100% be able to call it quits. I noted that I deserve to be treated with more respect than that, even if it was only an EA.
So, much like DNJ, you'll hear no criticism for me on this. I do agree that it is better positioned as a boundary than an ultimatum or punishment of some kind. The action is for you, because that's all you can control. And, as you suggest, actions speak louder than words. So, continue balancing repair work and piece-work with some detachment or continuous investment in your own self care and well being. If you're putting in the work to be the best person YOU aspire to be, then you are a prize in any relationship and deserve to be recognized and treated as such.
Keep us posted and I wish you the best and ongoing support as needed. -P
Thanks for the support MrP. We had a very similar conversation.You’re right in that it is a boundary for me. I deserve someone that chooses me, if she can’t do that then it’s time we both move on. I don’t say that lightly, if it comes to that it will be so much harder than just carrying on. I still want to save our marriage however this latest development has destroyed the little bit of trust I had.
Been a couple of months now, thought I would check in. W wanted to wait until after the holidays to leave her job. I told her she didn’t need my permission however kicking the can down the road wasn’t going to change how I feel about it. I honestly don’t think she will quit and I am trying to prepare myself mentally. I have been struggling these last couple of months. I don’t trust her, which bothers me. I am back to fighting the anger that’s resurfaced. The lack of accountability drives me nuts. For some reason I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about W and OM having sex. I can quickly stop the thoughts but they keep coming back. I probably need to find a counselor, the one I was seeing is basically retired. She wasn’t super helpful either. I should probably check out the recommended reading on here again as well. This last incident has me feeling like I’m the backup plan or the conciliation prize. It bothers me a lot. I think she was trying to get back with om and he wouldn’t because he has a gf now. Sometimes I think I would be better off if she hadn’t come back home. I’m doing ok in terms of gal and being detached. Probably doesn’t sound like it. I do my own thing and we spend a lot of time together. I don’t worry about what she is up to when we’re apart. I really don’t care. It really feels like she’s biding her time to do something else and I’m just along for the ride. Maybe I am wrong. Hopefully. It really stinks that I’ll be 53 in a week and a half, I’m the most financially secure I’ve ever been, life should be easy mode right now, yet things are still a mess. At least in my head. It’s been a little over 2 1/2 years since bd. I thought by now things would be in a much better state than they currently are. Do I sound whiny? Maybe I’m making things worse than they really are. I just don’t know.
Hey Mike. Yes, a good IC makes a world of difference as might a script for depression, anxiety, or similar issue if your provider can substantiate the need. It helped me quell the repetitive thoughts and get good sleep when I needed to be at my best. You say you still spend a lot of time together so I wonder if you need to make yourself a less easy alternative for her to lean on. You are right about not truly sounding detached. If you were, the situation would bother you less and less.
It does stink that you are at a point where life could be really great but for this relationship.Don’t give the relationship any more power to derail the life you want to be living right now. You may need to adjust your expectations for the time being. Not everything you hope to experience has to be tied to this specific relationship, right? Control what you can so that you are living the life you expect to have as much as reasonably possible.
