Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

I'm now on the other side of surviving numerous family events. I'm mostly detached and don't have any foreseeable reasons to reach out to H for anything. Over the last few events, I was less and less friendly with H. To reference Valeska, the dance has changed. It just happened. It was not deliberate. I just don't dance to this music anymore.

D, BF and I carpooled to D's bday dinner. H was in parking lot and came in after he saw us. H came and sat next to me. We had one exchange through the 2 hours. H shook his leg and was perspiring profusely, wiping his head numerous times through the dinner. Although noticed by all, H was the only one who made a comment. "It's hot in here." We just nodded. There was lots of conversation. Laughs. H was listening. On the way home, D mentioned that dad didn't share anything about himself. He just took it all in. I validated. She asked if I was ok. I confirmed that dinner was great.

Easter was beautiful. S and GF spent the night on Saturday and D and BF came in the morning for church services and Easter baskets. S notices a travel bag for toiletries amongst his Easter treats and is excited because of all his travel. The bunny brings practical gifts and candy now that they're adults. S starts reading what the various sample sized toiletries are. Shampoo, body wash, ball toner.... Ball toner? MOM! We all burst out laughing. BF is now reading through the toiletries in his bag and finds ball deodorant. More laughs. Let's just say that my eyes aren't quite what they used to be. Glasses should be worn when making purchases. This was Easter dinner's topic of conversation with the larger family too. "The lads will be clean." We had a great Easter. The 4 of them went to SIL's to visit with dad. D headed to BF's after SIL's house and calls me.

D: This is why I don't want to tell dad anything. He then uses all the information to share at auntie's house as if he's been involved in my life. If we hadn't talked during my bday dinner, dad wouldn't know anything. He acted like we're a happy and involved family.
M: I nod and apologize.
D: I'm not sharing anything with him anymore.

H continues to pretend. Wear a mask. Showing what an involved and great dad he is for the world to admire. We know otherwise.

Our wedding anniversary came and went without acknowledgement - not surprised. But, I celebrated without H by taking a mini vacation after Easter to the sunshine state, visiting a couple girlfriends. No alarm, no work, no schedule. We enjoyed the beach, sun, laughs, wine. GF watched our fur babies. I came home rejuvenated with sun kissed skin. Dogs were happy to have me but began missing GF. GF crocheted a coat for Dog2 - it didn't fit although she said she tried many times to make it work. Dog2 wasn't having it. She said she'll keep trying. We laughed.

The death anniversary of H's mom came and went. I prayed for him and for her on my own. That was the extent of my warmth. Last year I sent a message to him and his family. Not this year. Decisions have consequences. I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

At S's bday dinner, traffic held me and I arrived fashionably late. The 5 of them were enjoying drinks and had poured me one from the 2 pitchers ordered for the table - it was Cinco de Mayo after all. I greeted the kids with individual hugs and kisses and never even looked H's way at the table. H tried to engage with subtle attempts. Answering questions I made towards the table. Offering me his water. I wasn't up for any engagement. There was no eye contact and no responses from me. H noticed and felt it. From my view, H felt like an outsider - or at least I would have. H stared at me quite a bit - perhaps curious where my deep tan came from since all we've gotten is rain. My shift in lacking response and engagement was confusing to him and the kids. Once dinner was over, I excused myself and headed out. D called me once she got home which tells me they left minutes after I excused myself.

I'm not carrying the conversations nor the emotional weight like I did. Someone else can step up.

I'm not the same person. I don't care to show warmth to H who walked out and then welcome him showing up for the good moments only to abandon all of us later. No more breadcrumbs. S still soaks up dad as long as dad offers some laughs. GF sees otherwise.

Mother's day was wonderful. S spent the day and night with me leading into Mother's day. We then had a big family dinner at my mom's with cousins and aunt/uncles, followed by a game of badminton. We were reminded that we're no longer teenagers but we still gave it all we could. We remain competitive and enjoy each other. So many laughs.

D's graduation and celebration was a success. I had the tickets and sent a group text to the 8 so that we knew when and where to meet. When I arrived, I shared hugs, kisses, warmth, laughs with everyone. Well almost everyone. I skipped right over H and his sister (SIL). They looked my way for their turn. Nope. H tried to engage in surface level dialogue a couple of times through the ceremony and I either ignored him (as if I didn't hear him) or provided a short answer while looking straight ahead - no eye contact. H would look my way to see if I would connect with him. Nope. H then asked a question and I stared at him for a bit and then mustered up a few words, "Because I do." H was not happy based on his response with a huff. I simply have no interest in H's part-time family manners. I knew that once I learned about a PA, things would not be the same. I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H. It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

There is no magic bullet here. No well crafted words to shake their crisis’ fierce grip upon their soul. The best the LBS can be is a lighthouse. Shine. Illuminate the rocks. Stand tall and strong against the storm. And live and love our life. It’s up to the captain of that lost ship as to their course.

H's mask and stories aren't going to hold ground forever. Not my concern. SIL is 'not getting involved' as she doesn't 'want to lose' her brother. Then carry on SIL....without me. She was so stunned. SIL didn't eat or drink a thing at the grad party - not like her. After 30+ years, I expected more from her, even if she's equally avoidant. I no longer rationalize being present with humans/family who can't show up for me.

As for me, I ate, drank, danced and shared my vibrant self at the party. Looking back through the pictures confirms that I'm so blessed.

Focusing on myself has never been my strong suit. It never felt right, healthy, kind. I know I'm worthy. So, then why don't I put myself first in thoughts, considerations, choices? I see now that I've lived a life for others from a very young age. I would have continued down this path and been perfectly content. I'm aware that I don't choose for myself, and still I'm comfortable. There is not much that I am strongly opiniated about to make a choice for myself. Burgers or steak? I'll enjoy both. Movie theater or Netflix? I'll enjoy both.

I'm grateful for no longer fully carrying the emotional weight of the family. I'm better. Not perfect.

I still get triggered when I feel unseen, unheard, not understood. I catch myself and talk myself through it. I feel this most with mom, dad and kids. Working on being more grounded. More centered. Drinking STFU smoothies and processing it all.

Feeling second best is my narrative when the call doesn't come in. When I invite but am told they've made other plans even though we had tentative plans, I feel it. Working on this too.

MLCer H is in torment. He does not, cannot, believe in himself. Or anyone. He is emotionally thrashing about, brooding, depressed, sad, lost. The big problem is that poor crisis kid believes they are unworthy. Believes. Fully. And they have to undo the decades of believing that.

Your marriage stands the best chance if you let him go. Loosen your grip on him that you've been unknowingly tightening over the years by doing so much for him. Yes - he may not choose you - and that is fvcking terrifying and heartbreaking. But if he does... he will do so because HE feels he's ready. Because he's confident again. Because he can see that you believe in him again.

You can't just say the words. You have to show him in your actions. And a big way is to stop being so "helpful", It's time to stop hiding behind that. It's time you see it as a more complicated answer. Yes.. part of it is from a loving place. But part of it is from another place too. Google "HFC" and "Too Much" and see if any of it rings true for you.

I've done some reading. I've looked into HFC and Too Much. I've read some attachment theory articles and the impact on one's life. It's helped in dropping the rose glasses. Managing H's emotional immaturity was exhausting. More exhausting than I ever realized. I chased and was left empty many times. It only made me chase harder and love harder. This wasn't healthy and I have no plans to return to such a dance. I choose me.

Still....

I feel cold when I don't provide warmth to all. I feel sad, disappointed. I feel many things...even sorry for H. Love (for H) doesn't seem to surface. It's either on a shelf or in the dumpster. I can't tell. I still cycle between wanting to file and holding space. "I don't have to decide today" is repeated to myself often.

The kids are confused. From time to time, they appear upset with me for changing the comfort of family engagements. Mostly confused. I haven't confessed about the affair but I surmise they may know/assume more than I've told them. My obvious shift may tell the story. Both of them engaged with dad at all the events as if nothing happened. I no longer care to.

Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable. This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.

I'll be visiting with my nephew later for prom pictures and then enjoying a dinner with brother and mom. Graduation and grad party next weekend. So proud of him and looking forward to celebrating him.

D is moving home next month. While excited, I have mixed feelings. I've lived alone for 1.5 years. She's lived outside the home for 4 years. There will be an adjustment.

I have some summer plans coming together. S and D want me to go with them to cousin's wedding overseas. Cousin was my flower girl and biologically H's cousin. Bride's parents and even other family members on H's side are begging me to go. Literally begging and convincing me. Most of H's family sides with me and isn't afraid to say it. SIL is the only one I asked to get involved with H - she agreed to but certainly hasn't done a thing. Actions over words.

House keeps me quite busy especially now with the outdoor tasks needing attention. I hired H's nephew to mow the lawn (SIL's son). He's learning how to use our tools and we're maintaining a relationship. I was invited to his graduation and graduation party. I'll likely attend the graduation with D (she's uneasy about going without me), but likely won't go to party next month. The collateral damage is devastating and the hardest thing that I continue to process.

Valeska and DnJ - I will continue to thank you for responding. I read and read and read your responses. It takes a couple reads for me to grasp it all. Applying boundaries continues to feel horrible. It makes me question my Christianity. I'll keep working at it.

[grok]

Ha. I think MamaG is taking cues from the length of my posts. Saving it all up into one big story.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

What a wonderful update. Family, friends, food, and fun. Blessed indeed.

H’s behaviour sounds pretty standard. Gathering all the data he can, sharing nothing, while trying to show how involved he is in his kids’ lives. Like your daughter, my kids saw through their Mom’s pitiful efforts and share with her very little.

I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H.

You don’t give to H, you give to yourself.

You give the forgiving of H to you, not him. I know, sounds weird.

Trying to forgive the person, or give forgiveness, makes it transactional. And without a reciprocal transaction from the other side, the deal falls through. Forgiveness falls through.

You forgive the deed, not the person, without anything from them. Forgiveness has very little to do, nothing to do, with the other person. It’s not about them deserving it, or earning it, or anything like that. It’s about you finding, giving yourself, peace.

It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

Yep. Boundaries are good. And there are consequences to actions.

Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable.

I get it. Been there. Perfectly normal to feel this way.

Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.

Look to your beliefs. Look to your intellect. What does it take to trust? What does it take to be vulnerable?

This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.

Oh yes. Not a path I wanted either.

Have faith, there is value going through all that pain. On the other side, trust becomes very valuable. Trustworthiness. Not just a word. A way of life.

My experience, I can and do trust, again. It’s how I live. Sincere. Trustworthy. Loyal. Etc. To self. To others.

This journey has made trust, and the breaking of trust, very heightened. I do more default trust than distrust. Cheating, lying, and other untrustworthy behaviour has boundaries and consequences from me. People, businesses, if untrustworthy are pretty much out of my circle. Any further interaction is very limited and protected. And for those who demonstrate trusting behaviours, my faith in them grows.

Trust issues stem from previous betrayals and experiences. It takes work to heal from the betrayal in these situations here. To find your core. To trust yourself and therefore be able to extend faith and open up to another’s reliability and integrity.

It was funny when years ago I realized I don’t have trust issues. XW is untrustworthy. There is no issue.

Trust it seems, like forgiveness, has more to do with self than others.

Have a great day.

D

[MamaG]

It was funny when years ago I realized I don’t have trust issues. XW is untrustworthy. There is no issue.

Trust it seems, like forgiveness, has more to do with self than others.

Isn't that the truth? XW (H) is untrustworthy. I'll continue to work on forgiving and in trusting - for me. Thanks for the reminder DnJ.

I was unsettled most of this week. The unexpected surfaced. While I looked forward to no H involvement or engagements, H was invited by my brother to nephew's graduation ceremony. Hmm. Sister asked if H would go. I confidently responded with 'it's unlikely'. Why would he drive an hour to to commencement knowing we'd all be there? The mirror he's been avoiding for 2 years?

Surprise...H drove the hour. Alone. What?! Why would H attend nephew's graduation knowing that my entire family would be present? Just why? Why would H want to face everyone he hasn't engaged with for so long? And, I've not been speaking to him at engagements that we're both at (D's bday dinner, S's bday dinner, D's graduation). I know - MLC isn't logical. Still, it's a SMH moment.

School provided lunch after the commencement and H came right up to the table that D and I were sitting at with BIL and nephew/niece. H is quiet and wallowing. He shakes BIL's hand with an optimistic 'hello' and receives a lack of typical engagement from BIL. Uncomfortable for my family as they didn't expect him. D talks to him about the salmon being really tasty. H quietly walks away and right up to my mom. H greets her like nothing has happened and proceeds to grab lunch. Somebody wake me up from this nightmare. H grabs some lunch and goes to sit on the other side of the hall.

Somebody make this make sense!

D is stunned. Uncomfortable and unsure of why he'd attend. I had no good answers.

The next day is graduation party at brother's house. S comes in bright and early. He and I go through childhood memories that have been stored away in a tote. We reminisce and share some laughs. We make the requested mango guacamole and head over to the graduation party. It was a hit. BIL: you can make this again. YAY!

A couple hours into the party:
D: I'm so glad he didn't come.
Me: Who didn't come? I was so confused by her comment.
D: Dad.
Me: Ohhh, I said in surprise. Dad doesn't bother me. Don't let him bother you. If he came, I would have quietly excused myself.
D and S: No response. They're observing and listening intently. No questions.

Took some of yesterday and today for me to find my center. I'm back.

Blew some left over fall/winter debris from around the perennials today. Washed some floors, ran a load of laundry and tidied up for the work week.

Every spring, we have birds who choose to build nests in the same spots. Checked in this afternoon - 3 robin eggs this year. So precious.

The rain stopped for 2 full days - finally was able to water the various tomato and pepper plants. LOL

Despite eating a hearty breakfast sandwich, I was ready for a lunch earlier than I thought. Sautéed some peppers and onions with some steak and chicken. So yummy and fresh. Still, I've been eating all afternoon and can't seem to satisfy this bottomless belly today.

Happy Memorial Day!

[MamaG]

Continue to be kind and cordial with H. Short, direct, answers. Your positivity comes from within. Comes from your life. Your positive life. That will reflect in everything you do and say. It will be noticed in your behaviour at party or in a short reply to a question. Because you are doing it for you. For you. Because of you. (Not some attempt at winning him back.)

Sincere. Genuine. Honest. Loyal. Strength of character. Now, that is an interesting person.

Be who you want to be, because you want to be. Be kind and compassionate. The chip will fall as they will. You only can control your side of the street in all this. (((Hugs)))

Catching up on bk's thread and see this comment...it makes me question me not talking/acknowledging him at the last few events. Am I taking the wrong approach? Is what I'm doing a push? Is this evidence that I'm not healed? healing? Can you help me grasp my behavior, my intentions, my intent?

[grok]

So many echos

from your sitch I see in me and mine.

I'm mostly detached and don't have any foreseeable reasons to reach out to H for anything. Over the last few events, I was less and less friendly with H. To reference Valeska, the dance has changed. It just happened. It was not deliberate. I just don't dance to this music anymore.

I simply have no interest in H's part-time family manners. I knew that once I learned about a PA, things would not be the same. I tried for the month of Feb/Mar to forgive and I'm not clear where I am with forgiveness. I do know that I have little more to give H. It was out of character for me - feeling like I was treating him poorly. Nope - I was holding boundaries to protect myself. Consequences. He no longer benefits from my warmth, care, love. It may hurt. Yet, I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

I could not really do this until XW moved herself out. Even then ... it took snooping and seeing her committing to OM's attentions ... for me to be offended enough to realize my own dignity and respect. Little verbalized, but my behavior changed to - XW, you cannot choose that course of action and have access to ME. And then I went DARK. Business and young ones only. And only if it had to be addressed, not any other ramblings of hers. I accept her decision and now boundaries to protect ME.

D: This is why I don't want to tell dad anything. He then uses all the information to share at auntie's house as if he's been involved in my life. If we hadn't talked during my bday dinner, dad wouldn't know anything. He acted like we're a happy and involved family.
M: I nod and apologize.

XW, after taking the state required parenting course, "Oh, they showed us we are all still a family. Just split up in different houses and all."
I drank the STFU smoothie and thought, "That is such a load of self-justifying (self-gaslighting?) cr@p. I refuse to pretend all is fine, just different." And then after going dark, I have NOT joined in most any joint activity with her except for things like graduations or her parents taking us all out to dinner after such an event.

D: I'm not sharing anything with him anymore.

Good on letting her come to her own conclusions ... and how she wants to relate to H in the future.

Last year I sent a message to him and his family. Not this year. Decisions have consequences. I've accepted his decisions and am behaving accordingly.

Yes, they do. I have gone mostly dark to XW's family. Welcoming and friendly when they are here. Otherwise ... she is their daughter. I won't get in between or pretend family or pretend all is well.

Self-justifying...XW said that to me about OM. i.e. Our M wasn't where it should be so her relationship with OM is the consequence to me. At the same time, it became clear she hid the information I needed about her unhappiness for years... and eventually told it all to OM instead.

I'm not the same person. I don't care to show warmth to H who walked out and then welcome him showing up for the good moments only to abandon all of us later. No more breadcrumbs. S still soaks up dad as long as dad offers some laughs. GF sees otherwise.

No, we are not the same person after betrayal of this depth. Good and bad. Working on the keeping the good. Working on discarding the bad. Having sorted through the fear and confusion ... Who am I ... Now?

SIL is 'not getting involved' as she doesn't 'want to lose' her brother. Then carry on SIL....without me. She was so stunned. SIL didn't eat or drink a thing at the grad party - not like her. After 30+ years, I expected more from her, even if she's equally avoidant. I no longer rationalize being present with humans/family who can't show up for me.

I tried to talk to XW's parents...once. The reply I received was, "You two will work it out." If that is how they wanted to deal with their daughter's actions with OM? Then carry on MiL/FiL...without me.

I've done some reading. I've looked into HFC and Too Much.

Now this,... this,... is interesting. In explaining some of XW. XW told me she had been her mom's confidante since she was 14...including complaints about her father. When I met her, XW was badly co-dependent on her mom. It took me, in an amateur and untrained approach, two years to get her off this. How an HFC feels ... echos how XW told me she felt. i.e. - she does everything for all her friends but gets no support back, she dropped home and husband to work on everyone else's issues, to the point of burn out.

I feel cold when I don't provide warmth to all.

It IS disturbing to go against the desire to provide warmth. To feel like you go against the covenant you joined...until death. Forms of tough love are difficult for many of us.

Some of me feels proud for standing up for myself. Some of me feels sad for having to accept my new normal. Most of me feels drained and exhausted. Even confused. Still some disbelief knowing I may never trust again. I may never open myself up and be so vulnerable. This is not a path I would've signed up for. I would prefer to trust. to be open. to be giving. to be who I am. I may not have been perfect but I certainly liked me. It hurts so much to realize how different I am, yet don't necessarily see the value in going through this pain. Maybe I will someday. I've not given up on opening myself up to trust again.

Yep, and yep, and yep, .... I try to leave it at two sayings from here: I don't have to decide today ... and ... the future is unwritten.

The collateral damage is devastating and the hardest thing that I continue to process.

From the books on the impacts of divorce I've read... it spreads across three generations up, down, left, and right. The facile self gaslighting that I received excusing the damage is offensive to me.

Took some of yesterday and today for me to find my center. I'm back.

Yeah, encounters or oddities cause perturbations.... That is on me though. Not XW. Examining myself to see what inside me is the cause.

... 3 robin eggs this year. So precious.

...water the various tomato and pepper plants. LOL

... Sautéed some peppers and onions with some steak and chicken. So yummy and fresh.

The Top of the Morning - Mike Oldfield

Instrumental - serene and uplifting piano melody, the song blends progressive rock and new age elements, incorporating electronic textures and subtle synthesizers. It evokes a peaceful, reflective mood, often associated with the freshness of a new day.

Happy Memorial Day!

True Faith - New Order

I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
....
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun

g

[Valeska19]

MG,
Changing the dance is difficult... for both parties.

Catching up on bk's thread and see this comment...it makes me question me not talking/acknowledging him at the last few events. Am I taking the wrong approach? Is what I'm doing a push? Is this evidence that I'm not healed? healing? Can you help me grasp my behavior, my intentions, my intent?

IMHO - this is you struggling with the new dance. It's perfect normal - btw - to have thoughts like this. You are changing a dynamic that has been in play for DECADES. It's unrealistic to think you won't question it at times.

As long as when you ask those questions... you pull way back. Instead of it being you and your husband - put in two strangers.

Should a person make small talk with the person who lies to her and takes advantage of her good will? My guess is not.

Should a person make small talk with a person who is emotionally hurting her children w/ his actions. My guess is not.

You are not rude. You just don't engage. You are not rude to a stranger - yet you don't provide your life's story either.

Again this is a consequence of your H's actions. He loses the closeness of his family. Allow him to feel that.

Surprise...H drove the hour. Alone. What?! Why would H attend nephew's graduation knowing that my entire family would be present? Just why? Why would H want to face everyone he hasn't engaged with for so long? And, I've not been speaking to him at engagements that we're both at (D's bday dinner, S's bday dinner, D's graduation). I know - MLC isn't logical. Still, it's a SMH moment.

If you look at it from the aspect of H trying to keep the same dance... then it makes perfect sense. He isn't used to MGs life being about MG. It's always been about him. If you gave the impression that you couldn't care if he was present - it doesn't surprise me that he is upping the ante by coming to the next one.

The reason they say to believe nothing they say and half of what they do is because people like to be comfortable. Your H is going to desperately try and keep the dance that has been so expect him to try anything. Even things that can be perceived as false hope.

It won't be until he truly believes this is the new dance - that he will make a decision. Most people don't change until they are forced to.

"MG - I made a mistake and I want to work on the marriage. And here is what I'm prepared to do"
Unless these are the words coming out of your H's mouth followed by the actions - assume everything is about him. Him trying to regulate his emotions. Him trying to hold on the parts of the relationship that feel good w/o doing the work of what is hard.

Until then - none of his stuff is your concern. Your focus continues to stay on YOU. On how you create a life where MG is the main character. How you learn to tolerate the guilt and uncomfortable feelings with putting yourself first.

One of the patterns I have seen in you is that when you put yourself first too much - your defense kicks in and you go back to worrying about your H's motives and actions. In times like this - put the spot light back on you.

The only hope of saving your marriage is by acting and believing that you are worth fighting for. Fake it until you make it as they say. Eventually it will become your truth and you won't be willing to make the same concessions anymore.

You are doing just fine. Really good updates on your part.

P.S. The rain on the east coast is just too much. I don't know why I bothered planting a garden at all this spring. Makes me miss my LA sunshine.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Catching up on bk's thread and see this comment...it makes me question me not talking/acknowledging him at the last few events. Am I taking the wrong approach? Is what I'm doing a push? Is this evidence that I'm not healed? healing? Can you help me grasp my behavior, my intentions, my intent?

I agree with grok and V.

I believe your approach to dealing with H is good. Business-like. Letting him lay in the bed he chose to make.

The fact that you question your actions, your intent; embrace willingness to look within for root reasons for your behaviours; illustrates the depth of your healing and how much you’ve progressed on your journey. Keep walking your path. You are doing great!

D

[MamaG]

And then I went DARK. Business and young ones only. And only if it had to be addressed

Dark here too. Really dark as we have no young ones anymore. And, I've been really dark for a year other than 3 or 4 slips where he comes for something or to provide something. Then there is lingering and attempts at old ways. The dance is easy to jump back into. Albeit, it's less easy with each passing attempt over the last couple years.

I have NOT joined in most any joint activity with her except for things like graduations or her parents taking us all out to dinner after such an event.

Our bdays are toward the EOY and I didn't even acknowledge H's big one this past year. So, bdays may be written off. For me, the hard part is the window I just pushed through. Many of our joint things run between March and May. And this will be forever. Forever is a long time. I'm healing and less impacted but it takes deliberate effort to work through those fleeting feelings.

I tried to talk to XW's parents...once. The reply I received was, "You two will work it out." If that is how they wanted to deal with their daughter's actions with OM? Then carry on MiL/FiL...without me.

I would tell myself that perhaps if roles were reversed that I wouldn't know what to say/what to do in SIL or FIL shoes. And for 2 years, this narrative kept me friendly. At some point, one has to believe that MLCer's behavior is off. I also heard SIL say to me, "I don't know what happens behind closed doors." That should've been a clue to me.

SIL's son is graduating this coming week and I responded months ago that I would attend. I am really having second thoughts. If I attend, it'll be to support D. If she prefers to not attend, I'll be skipping out too. While no one deserves this ripple effect, my heart really aches for the nieces/nephews. They're moving into adulthood but not quite adults. They are so confused. Thankfully, they have their own lives that keep them busy. I'm sure I'm not the center of attention in their minds. lol

I don't have to decide today ... and ... the future is unwritten.

Yes! My mantra as well. I believe doors will open for you. For me. For those who believe.

From the books on the impacts of divorce I've read... it spreads across three generations up, down, left, and right. The facile self gaslighting that I received excusing the damage is offensive to me.

I hold on to the possibility of reconciliation, but only by a few threads. The thread of our children. The thread of the vow I/we took and I took very seriously. And the thread of these statistics.

Perhaps, I can add the thread of I know my H is down in there somewhere and may actually steel me off my feet again....should this actually be mental illness. I'm not hold too tight to this one anymore.

Other than these fragile threads, I would've walked away already. It'll hurt either way....and have been hurting. Forgiving, trusting, mending, building are big mountains to climb. The future is unwritten. I'm living for today.

As long as when you ask those questions... you pull way back. Instead of it being you and your husband - put in two strangers.

Enlightening. So true and obvious in the sitch of two strangers. I'm pondering.

Again this is a consequence of your H's actions. He loses the closeness of his family. Allow him to feel that.

If you gave the impression that you couldn't care if he was present - it doesn't surprise me that he is upping the ante by coming to the next one.

And this is why I thought it was unlikely that H would show. I hadn't been talking with him. H has noticed the shift. Clearly I didn't go silent to attract him.

OK, if my unintended 180 was all that was considered, sure, I can believe that H is still trying to dance the old way. It's more than that though. Bigger than dancing. H hasn't faced my family in 2 years. H had no idea how they'd respond to him and still H came out of his hiding, drove an hour and was faced my peeps. Ego? Arrogance? or...testing the waters of reintegrating?

We share a massage therapists who has been feeling bad for H because he's 'had to miss his monthly massage appts for 6 the last months'. I just nod and say nothing - STFU smoothies. She mentioned last month that it was nice to see he was able to come. Wonder what an hour of no escape measures may have felt like to him. Pondering...reintegrating? dipping the toe at what the effort to return to his cushy life would be like? hmmm

Regardless of the reason for returning to massages and for attending graduation, I'm not welcoming him without words like the ones you shared. "MG you are a saint and I am very sorry and here are the various mountains I'm willing to climb to reconnect and, and, and." At which point I'll respond, "that's a good start."

How you learn to tolerate the guilt and uncomfortable feelings with putting yourself first.

This should be easy, yet so hard. I'm working on it. And, I'm working on not softening in his presence. I'm a sucker for that man.

Here's an example of putting myself first - I wouldn't have done this last year.
S is moving this weekend to a new place - moving in with GF. S talked about taking his bedroom furniture and needing help from H. I calmly informed him that H is not welcome in my home. S is welcome to invite him to help but he will remain in the driveway.

Some days later...

S informed me that his friend will be coming to the house this weekend to help with the move. (S travels for work with this friend but I haven't met him.) My response, 'Ooh, can't wait to meet friend. Let's plan for dinner at your favorite restaurant while you're here. My treat.'

Until now, hadn't even considered how H will feel that he wasn't involved at all. Those consequences...

P.S. The rain on the east coast is just too much. I don't know why I bothered planting a garden at all this spring. Makes me miss my LA sunshine.

You're not kidding. Sounds like you're living in close proximity. We may be getting a few days of a dry spell....after today....and some warmer days.

Somehow my veggies are holding up. I have a couple cherry tomatoes coming in already. Peppers are thinking about budding. Getting excited.

I grow a variety of tomatoes and peppers and then mince them with a variety of herbs, onions & garlic for winter cooking. The minced mix freezes well (in portions) and makes for a quick meal base through the winter. Mom's garden usually provides the herbs among other things that she loves to share - keeps her busy & moving all summer.

I make batches of dog treats every 6 weeks or so - they hold up well in the freezer. Seeing as the dogs are almost out, I went out last night to pick up liver, flax seed, chia seeds, pumpkin, oats, turmeric, blueberries and so on. Will make these today since S and friend are coming tomorrow for furniture. And, I'll be visiting S's new place on Monday.

Grok, it is no surprise that as LBSes, you and I share similar experiences/thoughts/feelings and dare I say fears from time to time. We also share similar timelines. Still, interesting and stunning to hear the similarities. H was fast tracking his divorce until he learned about my cancer diagnosis. H stopped pushing mediation immediately. I firmly believe that if it weren't for learning that I had breast cancer just weeks after BD, H would've divorced me months into crisis. At the time, I was relieved that H halted divorce. Today, I'm not sure.

It's apparent that you are surviving/thriving with your greatest treasures by your side, as I am. We lead busy and productive lives. Better things are ahead. I trust.

DnJ, thanks for confirming that H laying in his own bed is appropriate. My silence is good. It feels comfortable based on H's behavior.

Enjoy the weekend!

[grok]

I make batches of dog treats every 6 weeks or so - they hold up well in the freezer. Seeing as the dogs are almost out, I went out last night to pick up liver, flax seed, chia seeds, pumpkin, oats, turmeric, blueberries and so on.

I made myself healthy breakfast the other day of - - blueberries, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, walnuts, oats, and sometimes a spoonful of turmeric with low sugar yogurt.

Now I feel like a dog... LOL! I'll have to examine making those treats for our dogs.

It's apparent that you are surviving/thriving with your greatest treasures by your side, as I am. We lead busy and productive lives. Better things are ahead. I trust.

True. And one of the shocking things to me is the simultaneous void, crushing weight, of loss. The incongruent simultaneity. Both exist at the same time in seeming mutually exclusive existence.

g