Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

It's been cold. Grocery shopping and filling the gas tank required some bundling over the weekend. Changed dog foods and both Dog1 and Dog2 have had more energy. They seem more alert and more interested in play time. The family celebrated mom/dad's anniversary and now I sit on the couch with a cup a coffee, a blanket and two dogs as I cool down from shoveling 5 inches. A 1/2 mile driveway has it's benefits but not so much when it requires attention. Oof. That was a workout! Trump's inauguration events are underway in the background. Before I get to some additional household chores, I'll journal and provide an update on me. Valeska - thanks for your response and for not giving up on me. Not that I thought you would but I also realize that one can only 2x4 someone so many times for the same issues.

Not giving up. I understand how difficult changing a dynamic is . With my current relationship - it was very one sided for awhile. I'm a natural giver - so takers love me. It's hard to know the difference sometimes.

Overall I am not sure why you want to be battling against another woman. I'm sure it doesnt really feel good knowing that he is cake eating by having you both? Just curious on what your thought process is.

To answer this question right away...H has made strides to pull away from EA, but has not fully let go. Frankly, from my seat, EA has pulled away from him leaving H with no choice. Probably of little relevance but I believe EA has been in her own MLC for the last 4 years. My H is the OM2 for her. EA made it clear in July/Aug that their R wasn't going further. The trip they were both on (last 2 weeks) was booked in Mar/Apr when H was still in limerence.

Hmmm... I'm going to call bs here. He clearly has one foot in each world. If he was ready to drop the rope on her or commit to you. He would cancel. Saying he already booked the trip, therefore he would lose money... are all excuses. When he is ready. You will know.

With that out of the way, allow me to pour myself out in hopes that you (others) can tell me, "here's where the confusion lies" or "stop people pleasing bc you can't nice him back" or whatever other direction strikes you as you read through my confusion. Maybe it even sounds something like, let's give H some communication (a try) by entertaining superficial convos, but the risk you run is....

This forum focuses on dropping the rope. Don't respond to H and if I must, wait a day or 2. Leave him to his issues, bad decisions, emotions. I'll know when H has returned but until then don't ride the emotional rollercoaster.

Other views are to support reconciliation by showing compassion, patience, and a willingness to rebuild trust to create a path forward. Respond to texts showing grace and kindness so that H isn't afraid to reach out and trust me when he's ready. I may even argue that this forum is supportive of these sentiments too. I translate these to be more direct and possibly frequent than is recommended.

So this site is alot about 180's, making change, and doing what works. Because of that - it's a little different for each situation.

A person who has allowed her WAS to be needy needs to pull way back. A LBS who has been avoidant - needs to show up a little.

Correct me if I am wrong but I believe you are situation #1. You have been EVERYTHING to your H... that's why it'so uncomfortable for you both. He's always thinks you will be there. You believe that being loving to him is by being there.

Let me take the following sentences and reword them into statements. Tell me if they feel true to you.

How am I ever to reconcile with H if I do not ever see him?

Statement: If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.

As a dismissive avoidant, the courage to approach me will diminish if H's fears don't resolve.

Statement: I won't give him too much distance because I don't believe H will do the work to approach me.

-If I don't see H, I am not easily shaken. But, in his presence, it's over. Still, I don't want to fully avoid him and I need to consider what I want too. Am I to avoid his presence for months, years, etc? that doesn't feel like the answer, yet H needs space. Oh the conflict.

Statement: When I see H, My emotions (fear) take control. My WANT to comfort that part of me that fears losing him is greater than my NEED to respect myself.

(You may want something - but it will not destroy you. If you don't respect yourself - you will destroy yourself)

-Then there are varying degrees of everyday actions/inactions. There is more than one school of thought on how to 'behave' in a spouse's midlife crisis. I've tried a couple approaches; neither has been fully successful. I get that when the time is right, it'll happen. Perhaps patience needs refining.
-Listening to stories of other LBS', I realize how mild my H's crisis is in comparison. This isn't intended to minimize what H may be contending with but what is clear is that H hasn't washed me away. What if WE could pave H a healthier path so that H can see the journey through with less pain? Is that not my obligation...'in sickness and in health'?

Let's be honest. You have ONLY really tried Mama 1.0. You have spend your marriage + 1.5 years post BD catering to that man. You have only really been trying to detach for less than 6 months. Consider that... YEARS of an old dynamic versus months of a new one with a few roadblocks. Maybe spend more time w/ option 2 before you decide it hasn't "worked"

I don't want to relive 2024. In 2025, I want to support my kids. I want to live a life I love. I want to reconnect with H. Do for myself. And, I want to begin sharing a life with H. The latter is what I can't control. Still, that's the truth and I ponder how to influence much against advice.

Try this answer again w/o adding your H into the mix at all. We all know you want to be married... but when are you going to want a better life for yourself more??

From what I see in all of your posts... is someone very much in the middle of grief. I see alot of bargaining happening here. A resistance to surrender what IS versus what you want it to be.

It's very hard to take off our rose colored glasses. To see people for what they really are. To see ourselves for whom we are.

So let me ask you this very honest and difficult question.

MamaG 1.0 has always worried about her H's needs, wants, etc. more than her own. MamaG 1.0 has always believed in being kind and understanding of her H's pain. His avoidant behavior, his selfish needs.

Did all of you putting his needs above yours make him any more loyal to you?

Did you being so patience and understanding of his avoidant behavior actually bring him closer to you?

Did your constant reassurance stop him from looking for reassurance in someone else?

Me thinks not.

So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?

You can be kind, yet not be physical with your H.

You can be compassionate, yet hold him to the consequences of his actions.


And let's say at the end of the day - this ole bahavior from your WORKS and he comes back. He will have done NONE of the work that actually says he will FIGHT for your marriage. AND as much as you THINK you would be relieved... you will ALWAYS be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So please continue to fight for MamaG 2.0 - she is very much worth it.

[MamaG]

Not giving up. I understand how difficult changing a dynamic is . With my current relationship - it was very one sided for awhile. I'm a natural giver - so takers love me. It's hard to know the difference sometimes.

I appreciate you, your investment in me, your time, your interest. I can feel it coming through in your responses. Thank you!

A person who has allowed her WAS to be needy needs to pull way back. A LBS who has been avoidant - needs to show up a little.

Correct me if I am wrong but I believe you are situation #1. You have been EVERYTHING to your H... that's why it'so uncomfortable for you both. He's always thinks you will be there. You believe that being loving to him is by being there.

Guilty! I have been everything to H. That is the truth. I recall reading about 180s in Divorce Remedy. Thanks for the callout, clarification and example in application. I've been so confused thinking it was different schools of thought. What you're saying is that you're customizing a recommendation based on my specifics. Got it. I'll be dusting the book off this weekend for a second read.

When you translate my confusion/questions to stmts, I can hear a similar message. I'll give you that. Still, I'm not convinced they fully reflect my thoughts or erase the question that lingers in my thoughts. Comparing my questions to your stmts was a good exercise.

If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.

I don't think he'll forget about me. I'm not forgettable. As I read my question again, I hear impatient. I hear fixer onboard.

I won't give him too much distance because I don't believe H will do the work to approach me.

DAs are a tough breed. I've managed to live with H avoiding conflict and although I didn't love it, H isn't perfect and I could continue to manage. Certainly, I'd prefer that H didn't run from conflict and emotions. I'm not convinced that DAs do the work necessary to not be dismissive. To not run. Yes, I believe he'll need nudging to make amends. The depression, financial fall, apathy, aches/pains are unsurmountable. I'm not sure how he hasn't hit rock bottom. So, does this bring me back to patience? MLCers hover over rock bottom and I need to be patient?

When I see H, My emotions (fear) take control. My WANT to comfort that part of me that fears losing him is greater than my NEED to respect myself.

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being kind to me. I suspect that I'm manipulating him bc I know PI is something we've always enjoyed. Neither of us has ever complained about that part of our R. I'm reverting to the same dance. I know what worked in our M and I'm using it.

Hmm. If that's true, how is that a bad game plan? Wait, it's the EA, isn't it? Cake eating. Not that I'm suggesting cake eating is the answer - I expect monogamy in my M. And, likely how you landed at 'respect myself'.

I'm seeing this one better now that I typed up a bunch of gibberish. This one is spot on.

(You may want something - but it will not destroy you. If you don't respect yourself - you will destroy yourself)

yup

I won't relive 2024. In 2025, I will support my kids. I will live a life I love. Do for myself. Refine MamaG 2.0 and let her shine.

MamaG 2.0 is here to stay.

MamaG 1.0 has always worried about her H's needs, wants, etc. more than her own. MamaG 1.0 has always believed in being kind and understanding of her H's pain. His avoidant behavior, his selfish needs.

Did all of you putting his needs above yours make him any more loyal to you?

Did you being so patience and understanding of his avoidant behavior actually bring him closer to you?

Did your constant reassurance stop him from looking for reassurance in someone else?

Me thinks not.

So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?

No.
No.
No.
Insanity. Yuck.

This gives me lots to think about. Wow.

[MamaG]

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being kind to me.

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being TOO kind to me.

[Valeska19]

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being kind to me.

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being TOO kind to me.

Ha. I try to be. Directness sometimes can seem unkind but that is never my intention.

I did have a sense that the PI was a bit of a powerplay - but tbh - its more important that you come to conclusions on your own vs. me just telling you. That would have never worked.

DAs are a tough breed. I've managed to live with H avoiding conflict and although I didn't love it, H isn't perfect and I could continue to manage. Certainly, I'd prefer that H didn't run from conflict and emotions. I'm not convinced that DAs do the work necessary to not be dismissive. To not run. Yes, I believe he'll need nudging to make amends. The depression, financial fall, apathy, aches/pains are unsurmountable. I'm not sure how he hasn't hit rock bottom. So, does this bring me back to patience? MLCers hover over rock bottom and I need to be patient?

This paragraph presents a bit of a conundrum. The problem with you being patient is that as long as your H continues in his avoidant behavior - you will be waiting for a long LONG time. Avoidant behavior can be worked on... but no one works on something until they are ready. Usually that requires loss and pain.. right? The saying is "the person has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change. Why? Because you are blocking the pain meant for him. Instead - you are that is left feeling unappreciated in lonely.

You are literally absorbing all the pain instead.

So if you really are able to "continue to manage" - that means NO CHANGE in your relationship. Are you sure that you are willing to be on the back burning for the rest of your life. Does that align with MamaG 2.0?

I don't think he'll forget about me. I'm not forgettable. smile As I read my question again, I hear impatient. I hear fixer onboard.

I agree that you are not forgettable. AND fixing comes from a place of control. Control usually means we fear something or we judge something... so there is a little exercise where you "drill down" on the answers to get to the heart of the issue. Ask yourself something at least 5 times.

1. I think I need to fix my h's (trait)

Why?

2. Because reason 1

Why?

3. Because reason 2

Why?

4. Because reason 3.

Keep at it until you run out of "reasons". The truth is a hard pill - make sure you grab water... and tissues.


My example was that my partner was willing to take advantage of me. It didn't matter if it was fear based, trauma based. It didn't matter if she cared about me or even loved me - the fact was if presented with the opportunity to change or let Val take the hit... it was the second... every. single. time. And that scared me so much that I would fix and control everything so I wouldn't end up getting punched. And still.... I somehow got punched... because we don't actually have control over someone.

So my actions now protect me from taking the hit. I can be empathetic to her issues. I can be compassionate in my "no"... but it's still NO because I don't want to be punched any more. Whatever the reason. I don't control her - only myself in surrendering that she is currently who she is... therefore I must act accordingly.

I think that if you drill down - you too can find clarity in the midst of all the confusion you are feeling. You'll stop being so consumed by the "why" H does what he does and start to put focus on the facts. You'll understand the Real reason why you "fix" and then you can decide if you are ready to make the change. You too will have to get to a point where "you're sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Keep posting. Our ears are open.

[MamaG]

Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change. Why? Because you are blocking the pain meant for him. Instead - you are that is left feeling unappreciated in lonely.

I agree that you are not forgettable. AND fixing comes from a place of control. Control usually means we fear something or we judge something... so there is a little exercise where you "drill down" on the answers to get to the heart of the issue. Ask yourself something at least 5 times.

How am I ever to reconcile with H if I do not ever see him?

If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.

This is what I suspect you'd like me to dig into. Apply the 5 Why's. Sounds like you know the answer that I'm going to look for. I have the water and the tissues.

Rose-colored glasses came off some time ago. I am aware that I was needy for attention, affection and equal contributions. It was a cycle. Avoidant brought out anxious and anxious brought out avoidant.

I don't air my issues but I have a good idea of what they are and where the stem from: childhood. I believe, I've done this work. You'll tell me if you had something else in mind.

-I fear being ignored, abandoned, neglected. It hurt when he withdrew or didn't show up in a conversation. I didn't feel important enough to resolve conflicts.
-I seek constant validation and reassurance. It hurt when H wouldn't meet my emotional needs. And, I remember my H telling me 20 years ago that I would fake cry. "No one cries over that." As a kid, I was the oldest and younger brother was the favorite. Idolized even.
-I jump into fixer mode if someone voices a concern or vents. Fixing problems gave me purpose. Made me feel important. It also made me feel like I was carrying more than 75% of the weight.

I can come up with a laundry list of what H brought to the table - plenty of pros and cons. To focus on the cons (for the 5-Why exercise), I'll start with emotionally unavailable.

I think I need to fix my husband's emotional unavailability.
W1: Conversations feel one-sided; empty.
W2: Because I feel disconnected from him; I don't know what he's thinking/feeling.
W3: Because when H didn't talk through it with me, I couldn't calm my nervous system on my own.
W4: Because growing up, feelings weren't necessary. Opinions weren't necessary. I did as I was told and that made me feel alone. I wanted something different for my family (A different dance.)
W5: Because I want to feel secure and valued in a relationship, and fixing his emotional unavailability feels like the path to calming my nervous system.

Is this what you had in mind?

[MamaG]

Hello everyone!

We've been getting hit with various bouts of snow over the last couple weeks. Shoveling continues to serve as a gym pass. It's been cold; colder than most Jan/Feb. High heating bills consume side-conversations. Today, I'm grateful for the physical strength I've been graced with while I sooth the emotional side. It's been a day.

It's been a bit since I've stopped in. I don't share much about what I don't need help with and I find myself journaling here when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I'm in need of support.

GALing continues strong. I spent an hour wrapping a number of gifts for several upcoming celebrations - remember my family celebrates EVERYTHING. It's a wonderful thing. Work remains busy and a great outlet. Dog1 and dog2 are a great comfort and have been showing up in many ways. You'll see why as you read through my update.

To Me - This is you being uncomfortable with MG 2.0. It's a process to set boundaries and its quite painful to change a behavior that serves you well. You're pattern is a little bit 2 steps forward/ 1 step back. You had some really good detachment and then you crumbled. It's normal but realize this is more about changing a dance than anything else.

I re-read the first half of the Divorce Remedy book. Started reading the Shut-out wife and need to go back to Divorce Remedy. I'm dusting these books off because limbo has been a crucible and I've been having thoughts about throwing in the towel.

I like(d) MG 1.0. Still, I'm focusing on MG2.0...I convince myself to dig deeper. It's harder than I thought. I continue to show up for myself.

Sure - intimacy matters... but in this case - true love is letting H hit rock bottom. He is not a teenager that needs reminding. He's a grown man that needs to figure out his sh!t. Try to see him that way.

Coming up on 2 years has been a journey. While 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to others on this site, it feels like an eternity. I still suspect he hit rock bottom in Aug 2024. Maybe not...How would I know?

Let's be honest. You have ONLY really tried Mama 1.0. You have spend your marriage + 1.5 years post BD catering to that man. You have only really been trying to detach for less than 6 months. Consider that... YEARS of an old dynamic versus months of a new one with a few roadblocks. Maybe spend more time w/ option 2 before you decide it hasn't "worked"

I feel this...If nothing else, I convince myself to embrace MG2.0 to respect myself.

Knowing that a number of business interactions are forthcoming, I am looking to decide on how engaging or not I should be...

I waited to reach out for tax info. Knowing that it would take weeks after making the request for H to come through, I needed to send the text I didn't want to send. I asked myself why I didn't want to send H a text and pondered for a while. I landed on a few reasons.
- NC ensures I won't behave like MG1.0. This tells me I still hope.
- Giving H space. It's been 5-weeks since our last interaction, when H stopped over for a coat. This makes me question hope.
- And as I have journaled...

I need to be better at staying muted...I cease the moments and go too far.

I prepared myself for the interaction and felt myself not wanting to text H. I thought through what could come my way? What do I say? Reminding myself to provide no emotions.

A year ago, I looked forward to texting H to fulfill the craving to share in an interaction. This is a change. Today, I have to talk myself into sending H a text to take care of business stuff.

I realize that H may not even realize it's tax season. This is one more thing I am responsible for. And, another reminder to self of how much I contributed to our life. How little responsibility H had through the years.

These moments. These thoughts. They linger and take me down disturbing paths. Valeska hears that I'm still grieving. I am. I'm still grieving. Today, I'm awakened to...

Exactly what do I want from H?
Why do I want H?
Wait, do I want H?
What value did H bring to our lives?
How can it be that I miss H? What do I actually miss?
Do I miss H or am I lonely?

Would I be better off with someone else? Someone who shows up. Someone who wants to be here. Someone who behaves like an adult. Someone who supports. Someone who can sooth the emotional side.

I am thankful for physical, intellectual and spiritual strengths. Emotionally, I'm still a hot mess. We weren't put on earth to live life alone.

It's my responsibility to take care of my emotions of sadness/grief. I could get through this season with greater ease if I were to share my life with someone. Talking with H wouldn't be dreaded, but we don't share a life. We hold transactions. That's what our R has come to. That's not emotionally satisfying.

So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?

You can be kind, yet not be physical with your H.

You can be compassionate, yet hold him to the consequences of his actions.

I'm tired. I too tired to even consider holding him to consequences. I've learned (or tell myself) that H doesn't deserve me. I didn't think I'd get here, but today's reality is that I hope and stand more for my kids and family more than I do for myself and our R. I'll always love H. I'm not sure I want H. Is my ego getting the better of me? Am i feeling the crucible limbo?

The saying is "the person has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired".

This comment was about H more than me. Still, I can tell you that I'm sick and tired. Recently, I'm sick and tired of who H is and his capabilities and his lacking contributions. Shoveling snow came with some curse words unlike a few weeks back. Perhaps I'm cycling as we LBSes do.

Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change.

Did I try to fix/nudge or did I hold up a mirror to hold him to the consequences of his actions?

M: GM! I'm getting ready to drop off our taxes file. When would be a good time for you to drop off your info? Let me know what works for you.
H: Gm! What info do you need?
M: The accountant will need..... LMK when you can get them to me. (I find myself annoyed that he has no idea was is needed.)
H: Ok I'll look for them. Today and tomorrow are no good for me. X's bachelor party this weekend. Nothing big just going to Y.
M: When do you think you can have it so I can make an appt? Have a good time this weekend.
H: I'll look for the stuff hopefully Monday. After work. Work has been crazy lately. I've been working anywhere between 9-14 hr days. (He worked 30 hour weeks when H lived at home. I'm getting tempted to hold up the mirror.)
M: Those are long days. Hope you're getting a chance to recharge.
H: Only on the weekends. (Didn't expect a response...hmm...shall I continue?)
M: It sounds like you're putting a lot into work right now. How do you feel about the balance between your long hours and your personal time of the weekends? (Don't expect a response as the mirror will provide for discomfort. And, we have no expectations on this site.)
H: Not enough time off.
M: Your W2 income from last year is a reflection of all the long hours you're putting in. With all that time invested, do you feel like you're getting the balance you want, both in terms of time and your financial situation?

I get a call from D an hour later. Dad was just here. She gives me a rundown and we learn that within 5 minutes of my last text about the W2 income, H reached out to her and stopped by to give her a gift from his trip. A gift that he know she'd like - thoughtful.

D: Dad is different. He even asked me for a hug this time. I wasn't going to.
M: That's nice. Glad your relationship is turning for the better.
D: Ya, it's still all about him though, mom. I even brought up things in my life without him asking to see if we could talk about me for a bit. He still didn't ask anything.
M: So why do you think he's different?
D: He's making an effort to see me and share. Last year, he wouldn't have shared anything. All of his stories were about him on the trip saving the day.
M: Dad takes pride in working smarter and not harder. He loves to help. Acts of service is his love language.
D: I didn't feed into his stories. I just let him talk while I carried on with what I was doing. I'm glad he's going out with his friends tonight for the bachelor party. I think he needs a little fun.
M: Yes, I'm happy for him, too.
D: Dad's coming around. He's trying to connect with me. And, I almost got sucked in but stopped myself from telling him that S is traveling on business again.
M: I'm proud of you for seeing things for what they are and accepting the season. I love you girl!

In summary, she calls to say that H shared many stories about his trip - all of which painted him as a hero. A man who saved the day. "It's a good thing I was there."

Thanks for listening. Off to a family event. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

[Valeska19]

Hey MG,
I'm a little tired. I moved from LA back to east coast so these past few weeks have been hell on earth. But I wanted to respond to you quickly.

I can understand the flip flopping between liking the 1.0 and the 2.0. Change is hard and often one feels alot worse before they feel better. My last therapist was like - "the change you need to make to put yourself first is going to make your feel like sh!t... and for a good solid year. "

Man she was right... and I'm still not of the woods yet but choosing myself has gotten easier.

It seems to me that MG is a very kind and loving person. Very understanding of her partner - has a ton of space to allow her partner to both grow and fail. However a marriage is give and take... and when your a partner continually takes, like your H, this is when those once loving behaviors turn into enabling ones.

For example:

M: GM! I'm getting ready to drop off our taxes file. When would be a good time for you to drop off your info? Let me know what works for you.
H: Gm! What info do you need?
M: The accountant will need..... LMK when you can get them to me. (I find myself annoyed that he has no idea was is needed.)
H: Ok I'll look for them. Today and tomorrow are no good for me. X's bachelor party this weekend. Nothing big just going to Y.
M: When do you think you can have it so I can make an appt? Have a good time this weekend.
H: I'll look for the stuff hopefully Monday. After work. Work has been crazy lately. I've been working anywhere between 9-14 hr days. (He worked 30 hour weeks when H lived at home. I'm getting tempted to hold up the mirror.)
M: Those are long days. Hope you're getting a chance to recharge.
H: Only on the weekends. (Didn't expect a response...hmm...shall I continue?)
M: It sounds like you're putting a lot into work right now. How do you feel about the balance between your long hours and your personal time of the weekends? (Don't expect a response as the mirror will provide for discomfort. And, we have no expectations on this site.)
H: Not enough time off.
M: Your W2 income from last year is a reflection of all the long hours you're putting in. With all that time invested, do you feel like you're getting the balance you want, both in terms of time and your financial situation?

To me - this is MG 1.0.

1. You are still engaging too much with H.
2. Quit being so d@mn understanding. It's enables him to not put in the work.

Have you ever thought about you settling the deadline. Here is how an MG 2.0 conversation could go.

" Hi H. I set an appointment with our accountant for x date. Could you please have all of your info to me by y date?

If it is a reasonable amount of time - say two or three weeks from now - that would be plenty of time.

If he pushes back - you could say

"Sorry this the time that works best for accountant and me. You are welcome to set up an appointment instead and I can give you my files if you prefer"

(And no MG - you can't give me an excuse that you as for why YOU should be the one to do this work instead - he's a grown man... he can do it.)

And... then no extended talk after that. Remember - he has fired you as his w. He doesn't get to the same access.


If he says he's working he's working too much. You can say

"I totally understand - that's why I'm giving you as much notice as I can. Let me know when you'd like to schedule a time to drop off the paperwork. Thank you."

Yes your H will not like his changed behavior. He could do anything from thinking something is wrong to having a full negative effect. Let him.

He is choosing NOT to do life with you. Let him. Fully. I know it's hard. Painful. But it's the truth. The more you can make choices towards accepting it - the less you keep asking questions that have no answer and do not matter.

As you said you are two years in. Let go. It's okay. It's not giving up. It's accepting what is today. Tomorrow may be different - but all we have is the present so we should base our decisions off of that.

You got this 2.0. You are worthy of respect and love.

[MamaG]

That's quite an undertaking - I wish you a smooth move. And, welcome to the east coast.

I exchanged more business texting with H using 1.0. He has been lingering in convos about nothing more than his long days. Then I read your response and all you had to say is that it keeps him from awakening to the hot mess he's created. Keeping him from rock bottom is not my intention!

H reached out again yesterday - yup 3 days in a week. Yesterday was more of 2.0 interaction. I left him hanging. He's fired me as a w.

Today, I sit in the same seat I cried profusely in 2 years ago - to this day - when BD1 took place.

I clarified a billing detail from yesterday's texting and asked no questions. I had no interest in acknowledging (and didn't acknowledge) the anniversary. Ha - anniversary. I've rec'd no response and don't expect to. H can sit in all the feels today and tomorrow for that matter.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. Still, I'm not hovering over a bowl of chili with tears running faster than I could wipe them like I was 2 years ago.

I have someone coming to fix a couple things at the house today - stuff above my pay grade. I contemplated calling H as I know he's show - acts of service is his love language. Divorce Remedy told me not to. I know you would tell me not to. And, so I called for the hired help.

And now I find a way to get through this weekend. I ordered some special food for my valentines - Dog1 and Dog2. I know they'll love it. I'll attend 3 bday parties this weekend and enjoy my new normal.

Next weekend is a wedding I was supposed to attend with H but I wasn't invited. H is a groomsmen and he will sit and feel his consequences. I'm sure I'll find something to do.

[MamaG]

Sure - intimacy matters... but in this case - true love is letting H hit rock bottom. He is not a teenager that needs reminding. He's a grown man that needs to figure out his sh!t. Try to see him that way.

He may be getting very close...atop financials being in the red, long work days in the frigid wet temps, depression, a truth dart from me today....and the upcoming wedding.

Sure - intimacy matters... but in this case - true love is letting H hit rock bottom. He is not a teenager that needs reminding. He's a grown man that needs to figure out his sh!t. Try to see him that way.

You were right, as usual. He's a grown man. And he has a lot of sh!t to figure out.

I didn't sleep well last night and was up at 2am. I grab my phone and find myself clearing out 'our' email box that we once shared. I come across an email that raises the antennas and it appears to have a trail. Upon looking through the trash, I see that some other ones from the same company were trashed by him.

1800flowers rec'd a flower order and made a delivery to the OW on 2/13...same day of BD1 for me. Notice I no longer refer to her as EA. Two dozen roses feels more like a romantic gesture. Oddly the message doesn't refer to any love. hmmm

Message on the delivery: Will you be my valentine? - [fake name]

Interesting, his fantasy also comes with a new name.

I quickly screenshotted, cropped and sent part of 1 of the emails, including the arrangement and the delivery address. Yup - not my address....

M: Did she like them?
M: Are you going to tell the kids or should I?
H: crickets....

And just like that, I'm a part of the stat that most MLCers have an affair.

[DnJ]

Yes, affairs are staggeringly common. (((Hug))) I feel for you. It’s quite the gut punch.

24-48 hour rule.

Let go.

Take care,

D