It’s a very interesting thing how unhealed childhoods can not be the actual reason for affairs but definitely play into how they can lay the groundwork.
Over the last few months H has been opening up a lot more about his relationship with his parents . (Very different than mine ). The lack of being able to sit down and just speak to his father without judgement or fear . The feeling of not a full abandonment physically but that he was cut off emotionally. I hear this topic on replay weekly and have been watching him slowly break it down . It is kinda sad to hear . He has come to the place where he feels it needs to be addressed with them .
It really makes you wonder is this the underlying cause of always needing gratification and the emotional detachment to your spouse .
I go back to BD and the spew he spit out for a few days there : I’m not good enough , the kids favor you , they don’t need me , this is who I am and mainly the excuses for the affair : she liked my clothing , she answered when I called , she dropped everything when I was around .
Months later that spew has cleared up and reality hits hard . She likes the clothing your wife bought ? She answered because you stopped calling your wife but the big one “she dropped everything while I was around “ your wife paid the bills , took care of our children and maintained your children’s well being .
Sounds awfully like a child who seeks attention from their parents to me .
I’m not going to say I’m in any way moving towards healing this marriage . Just letting some time go by before I decide what to do here . Watching this unfold .
I go back to BD and the spew he spit out for a few days there : I’m not good enough , the kids favor you , they don’t need me , this is who I am and mainly the excuses for the affair : she liked my clothing , she answered when I called , she dropped everything when I was around .
Months later that spew has cleared up and reality hits hard . She likes the clothing your wife bought ? She answered because you stopped calling your wife but the big one “she dropped everything while I was around “ your wife paid the bills , took care of our children and maintained your children’s well being .
Sounds awfully like a child who seeks attention from their parents to me .
I’m not going to say I’m in any way moving towards healing this marriage . Just letting some time go by before I decide what to do here . Watching this unfold .
It's gaslighting and manipulation at it's finest. Look Caligirl - you have been at this a VERY Long time. Regardless on if it's a sprint or a marathon - one can only handle so much before they are done. And interestingly enough - we don't always make the decision. It's like a switch that just gets turned off.
I think you can continue to watch and unfold but also you can continue to look within and find the answers to accept where you are at. Is it possible you might just not have it in you to try? It would be okay. Sure this is a marriage saving site but not if it means you are just going to be hurt 5 years later again.
I think you're guard is up for a reason. To me - it seems like H is fine to "react" but not to initiate. There are plenty of betrayers out there who initiate a full disclosure or initiate an unblocking on social media. They do this because they know it will be healing for you. And your healing is just as important to them as their own.
I am just not seeing it from your H. He seems really consumed with himself. And I'm seeing you acting accordingly.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Over the last few months H has been opening up a lot more about his relationship with his parents . (Very different than mine ). The lack of being able to sit down and just speak to his father without judgement or fear . The feeling of not a full abandonment physically but that he was cut off emotionally. I hear this topic on replay weekly and have been watching him slowly break it down . It is kinda sad to hear . He has come to the place where he feels it needs to be addressed with them .
Originally Posted by Caligirl
H is also still doing IC. I think from what I’m gathering is the IC right now is focusing on him and has not suggested MC yet . From what I’m gathering there is some deep rooted things that go back to his childhood and even his late teen years that need to be addressed first .
H certainly has the hallmarks of one who is experiencing an awakening from MLC. Remember, a crisis is slow. Very slow. Dig for patience!
It is good that H is talking with IC. And yes, for the time being MC needs to wait a bit. H is discovering and working on making peace with his demons; his plate is full. I do understand how totally unfair it is for the LBS gets the lion’s share of the work here. (((Hugs))) Dig for patience! Be a lighthouse.
Awakening has a few stages depression, withdrawal, and finally acceptance. The depression a crisis person experiences is very dark, likewise their withdrawal. They will shrink away, brood, show little to no outward signs of progress meanwhile they are churning things over and over in the their mind. They have all the trauma from their past, the people who emotionally stunted them, and of course all their damages/deeds done during their crisis. Lots of stuff to realize, reconcile, and own up to.
Like I said, most of this will be internal, very little external confirmation of forward progress. H speaking about his Dad’s treatment of him and his feelings towards his Dad is very good. It speaks volumes of what is likely going on hidden from view.
This is a scary fearful time for the MLCer. They are coming face to face with their past; what they’ve done; what they feel; who they’ve hurt, let down, betrayed; and the monumental task of how to start to right it. There are plenty of bridges they need to rebuild, and it takes time for them to figure out what to do, and then to roll up their sleeves and dig in to it.
They do fear judgement most of all. Yes, they’ve done plenty to be judged upon. This is more of that lion’s share we LBS have, leading/living without judging.
Judgment, demanding answers, etc. can push the crisis person back towards running. Be patience, answers will come. Remember, H’s crisis and its healing thereof, is on its timeline, not our’s.
Luckily you, the LBS has done their inner work; embraced DB; have boundaries; are pressure-free while not walking on eggshells; and categorized their beliefs and convictions. Strengthened that which serves, crafted that which they aspire to, and discarded/altered that which does not serve. Lean into that. Follow those deeply held values, convictions, and beliefs. Those are slowly changing excellent life headings.
Keep living and loving your life. Lead. You cannot control H, yet you do influence. Keep moving forward and let H catch up to you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
First off thank you both for chiming in . Much love to both of you .
Valeska - do I think I have been through enough . Absolutely! Where I tend to have the most regret during this entire 5 year span is if I was going to throw in the towel , I should have done it at least a year ago . To throw it in now when the kids have finally found some peace and have two very equal parents would just be too much for me to stomach . The home is calm almost too peaceful . When it comes to realizing where I am . I’m pretty solid. I don’t think I posted it but I did do some reading and found it takes a solid 12 months to really process the trauma before you have some type of clarity . So when I say I’m sitting back that is more my way of just seeing how I feel over time . I do agree with H not initiating. Sometimes I do think he takes my silence as everything is just fine and dandy. A habit I was part of making , just ignoring his piss poor treatment of me and the kids for years . I’m also aware I’m very guarded and it’s hard to even feel a little bit safe to talk about things , so I don’t .
DNJ- Oh the judgement and fear . I’ve asked a few times for access to an account . Got shot down . I waited and asked again . He gave it . Immediately after I was met with - I am so sorry I did this to us . I’ll answer any questions you have about all the charges . I love you . Take whatever time you need . Oh boy !!! Yes I looked through it . It’s as bad as one could imagine. But because of this site I took a different path . I didn’t loose it on him or throw him out . I know it’s hard on the other end for H . I just couldn’t even imagine handing over years of records of betrayal to my spouse but he did . Makes my stomach turn to think of hurting someone like this . As much as we don’t want to give the MLC too much credit I know this one took some courage . He phoned me later in day expecting a good old fashioned tongue lashing . His voice sounded scared for his life . I think he told me he loved me 8 times in the span of 5 mins . I didn’t even address the money just said thank you for sending what I asked . H does talk about this huge fear that I am just going to leave him . I almost feel like he walks on egg shells sometimes . Over the weekend he caught up by phone with one of his buddies . One of the more solid buddies I will say . He randomly said he was thinking about going to see him for a few hours . I honestly thought nothing of it . The man has gone no where for months . He’s annoying me! So I kept on playing with one of the kids . Next thing I know he’s over by me apologizing saying if it’s going to upset me he won’t go . I looked at him baffled and said you are not a prisoner here . You can have normal friendships and see your friends . I expect you to never put me in a bad situation again . You are responsible for your choices . Not that I trust him but I’m also not about to have a H who feels like a prisoner (that’s just a recipe for disaster). It had a good effect on him . He called 3 times to check in . I answered only once . I was busy doing my own thing . But he came home actually really happy to see me . He said he had a great time and that was that .I think just giving him that tiny bit of trust was good for him . Plus he was out of my hair for a few hours. I don’t know about a lighthouse , I’m too skinny , more like a flagpole . But I’m definitely not about to be a ward of a prison 😀.
I LOVE this update. And, maybe you're more of a "light pole". I admire your responses here to much; what wonderful command you had over your emotions. You continue to show him that 1) you won't settle for the old relationship and 2) he's dealing with a different (better) person (who he'd better not mess with). Lastly, your compassion is inspiring. We are as harmed as we choose to feel and in this situation you clearly rose above all the terrible stuff that happened. I don't know - you may be skinny but lighthouse may still better represent how strong and bright you are.
Really well done treating your H. I agree with you, H feeling like (or being) a prisoner would be a disastrous recipe. Your extending him some trust had a good effect and result upon him, and you. And H is showing positive progress.
Continue to extend accountability and responsibility and trust towards H. The return to trusting is a slow journey.
Hope you have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have maintained consistently positive friendships for the last few years . Good , solid friendships that have what I call equal partners . My friendships through ups and downs seem to stay the same.
H - surrounded himself for the last few years with pretty problematic friendships . Multiple friends whom were involved in cheating on with wives or long term girlfriends . H has caught on that these friendships seemed to be contingent on him par taking in the chaos . While talking he mentioned he does not hear from his “friends” for weeks at a time or they do not return calls . They make no active effort to be involved in normal friendships actvities . Kind of an eye opener for him . I just listened . It is still a balance to try not to give too much input . But it is very noticeable that differences in friendships .
The question I have is Why would he want to call these friends at all??
I can understand perhaps... and I do mean perhaps... if this was like a dear friend who fell off the wagon and cheated on his partner... but other than that... I personally think he should want nothing you do with them. Especially since he is trying to be a different man.
As they ole saying goes though. "You are the company you keep".
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
On point ! I think the best part of the conversation when he was talking about it was when he said “ I don’t want to go near any of that again “ . I do think the struggle is the two we are talking about have been “friends “ of his for roughly 10-15 years . There was a time they were actual friends “normal” friends . Kids would play together . They would go watch sport together . I’ve been out with them several times with none of that chaos going on . I think what’s really bothering him when it comes to the nitty gritty from what I’m gathering is they haven’t even checked on him to see if he’s alive . Amazing how when you remove yourself from the chaos you just can sit back and watch those friendships crumble . Not in a mean way either .
I spit out my coffee with the comment “you are the company you keep “. I kid you not I said that exact phrase to him about 2 months before BD . Not in a mean way but said if you surround yourself with people who cheat you eventually become one of them . I kid you not he has brought that comment up to me numerous times . He remembered me saying it and has said you are absolutely right . I surrounded myself with other people who solved their problems with affairs . I didn’t even have those problems in my marriage and I made them like they were my problems .
He’s got 1 or 2 solid friends . I’ll support those friendships . Other than that . The others can kick rocks .
