Sooo many unknowns

[Whatlee]

I completely understand the GAL phrase and why it is said so often. I was completely out of control just as H was when this all started. All I heard from my friends/family was, "take care of you" over and over and over again. I was like, "this is new to me, can yall just let me breathe for a moment, try to figure out what just happened and why." I am way past all of that now. Sorry if the GAL phrase is a bit triggering as well as the phrase, "you need to." Don't mean to cause controversy by any means, so please don't take it that way. I do still have questions at different times as I drive 80miles a day between my jobs, that's a lot of alone time and time to think.

My thoughts (just thoughts) today are should I email the "ex"OW and defend the lies she was told about me and our marriage?

Do I just say bump all of this, call my attorney and just be done with all of it?

In all reality I'm not gonna do either of those things, they're just thoughts.

[Whatlee]

Mach 1

My bible and this thread are all that I read.

[job]

Whatlee,

You are missing out on other valuable information that would help you better understand what is going on with your h if you don't read some of the other threads. There is so much valuable info on this forum about MLC and trust me...it is good stuff to read.

If you are absolutely sure you are ready to divorce him, then do so...but you are not ready to do so. I don't think you are ready either because you are still asking good questions and trying to understand what is going on. You will know when you have had enough and trust me, you will not be asking us if you should file. However, seeing a lawyer, may help you with the assets/bank accounts right now and to know what your rights are. Just because you ask those questions, that does not mean you are filing. Again, you will know when you have had enough.

Please take some time and read some of the other threads. You will find a lot of valuable info on them.

[Whatlee]

Thank you

I do read other threads on here it helps take my mind off of my situation and gives insight into what I'm dealing with. I do have an atty cause H filed for D back in Sept(nothing has happened since). I don't want a D, it's just thoughts that go through my head in my alone time. Like is the only reason he isn't D'ing is because he doesn't want to pay spousal support, in the meantime he's doing whatever he wants, with whoever he wants and I'm living in a camper. It's those kinda thoughts that I deal with. I have to tell myself it's the devil and he has to flee at the name of Jesus.

[grok]

Whatlee,

I felt like I needed permission to ask questions, so many on here are big on using the GAL phrase, so I feel at times like I shouldn't ask questions. I understand people do get frustrated, my own friends and family don't want to hear it, I don't even talk abt it with them anymore, try not to mention his name.

Ask away! I'll repeat what I told Catman19: "We all need a place. Here people understand from personal experience. Journaling or to yourself isn't enough. Who in our close circles could we lay all this on?" Advice here comes both gently and sometimes applied with a club. From hard earned experience.

I do still have questions at different times as I drive 80miles a day between my jobs, that's a lot of alone time and time to think.

I don't want a D, it's just thoughts that go through my head in my alone time. Like is the only reason he isn't D'ing is because he doesn't want to pay spousal support, in the meantime he's doing whatever he wants, with whoever he wants and I'm living in a camper. It's those kinda thoughts that I deal with. I have to tell myself it's the devil and he has to flee at the name of Jesus.

We all have questions at different times. Alone time is problem thoughts time. It was me on the drive to work this morning. I get it. Today I let myself question and feel "all the things" for 10-15 minutes, then STOP and think of all the things to do today, the good people I will interact with, and the blasted chicken that always wants to peck me.

I don't want a D either. The lack of control and unfairness ... well ... dropping what I can't control or is unfair is difficult for me. The questions are about the other person and likely will never be answered. They are pain that tries to draw me in...it hurts so I pay attention to what hurts...but in MWD terms, cheeseless tunnels. What might be your H's reasons for not D, or my W's reasons for D...the questions don't change what actions to take for me.

Would you feel the same if a fire or tornado destroyed your home and you had to live in a trailer?

It has helped me to keep thinking on one of "The Four Agreements." A suggested book read in building the next version of you.

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

g

[MamaG]

Mirage - TY for answering my questions in Whatlee's thread. I didn't see it that way before (newer to site). I started a thread in Newcomers rather than MLC - I'm not totally sure H is in MLC. My thread is titled, What can I do differently? I would love for you to take a read and offer insight.

Whatlee - TY for being kind and allowing me on your thread.

[DnJ]

Good Morning What

Sorry if the GAL phrase is a bit triggering as well as the phrase, "you need to."

It’s perfectly alright. I understand how from your side of the screen it can sound a bit contentious, a bit triggering. Get A Life does not imply you don’t have a life. It’s more encouragement towards expanding your current life and its definition. Expanding your comfort zone and self imposed boundaries.

I defined myself as Husband, Dad, worker, and such. Bomb drop blows everything apart. GAL is pretty apt whilst one’s pieces lay fragmented littering the landscape. Hobbies, events, friends, family, work, support, etc. Exploring new and forgotten things, exploring old and reliable things. Exploring each piece while re-assembling myself back together.

Strengthening, crafting/aspiring, and discarding various pieces. Getting a life. Getting my life.

A life defined without XW, nor by XW. (GAL is also useful for seeing gaslighting, the manipulation, and poisonous words we have absorbed.)

When defining myself now: Man, Dad, Son, Friend, etc. The shift for me was me. Before I defined more by what I did, and the roles I filled. Nowadays, I define by who I am. My convictions!

This was not some great gigantic shift. I’ve always been responsible, trustworthy, sincere, honest, etc. I was a Boy Scout. lol. It’s just become more right. More in the fore.

In my deep dark depression it was easy to find hills I was willing to die on. Finding the conviction and strength to live for them! That’s getting a life!

I’d die for her. I’d die for my marriage. I’d die for my kids. That’s easy. Live for it/them. Now, that’s a shift.

Being willing to die upon a hill, does just that. We die a bit. We stagnate. We stop growing. Living for that hill, is rejuvenating. Is purpose. Is life.

My thoughts (just thoughts) today are should I email the "ex"OW and defend the lies she was told about me and our marriage?

Do I just say bump all of this, call my attorney and just be done with all of it?

In all reality I'm not gonna do either of those things, they're just thoughts.

Exploring one’s thoughts is a good thing. I commuted 200 km daily and had lots of time to think as well. I’ll reinforce what I’m pretty sure you’ve come to: no point in speaking with XOW. And you’re not ready for tossing in the towel.

I don't want a D, it's just thoughts that go through my head in my alone time. Like is the only reason he isn't D'ing is because he doesn't want to pay spousal support, in the meantime he's doing whatever he wants, with whoever he wants and I'm living in a camper.

I’m sure spousal support is, at times, upon his mind.

However, you living in a camper. If you need financial security or protection - get it!

I know you have a L. Ensure you know your rights. What you’re entitled to. What could happen, and is likely to happen in a divorce. Asking questions is just gathering information, and information is power. You don’t necessarily have to proceed. However, you might need to.

Getting financial support may be as far you have to go. A legal agreement for the time being.

I’m a proponent of leaving the heavy lifting to the spouse wanting out of the relationship. However, when your financial needs are not being met, that changes things. It’s the business side of the situation. Deal with it as business.

How ever it’s phrase, Get a life, Have a life, Live a life, you’ve got lots of years in front of you. Ensure you can fund them.

D

[Whatlee]

Wanted to share my devotion from yesterday

The psalmist declares a holy revulsion that must dwell in your heart against anything that challenges the law of God. If you consistently struggle to conquer an area of sin in your life, it may be that you do not hate that sin.
One sin God hates is divorce (Malachi 2:16), not because He wants to be legalistic but because He knows the terrible consequences you will suffer from it. Satan's deception concerning this sin and all sin is so devious and the consequences of disobedience so eternal that you must develop a passion against all sin, for it destroys people's souls.
Double-minded or undecided people (Psalm 119:113) are those who mix God's law with their own reasoning, listening to the voice of personal opinion rather than the voice of truth. Such compromisers lead the godly astray and are unstable in all their ways (James 1:8). If you are double-minded, rid yourself of lukewarmness, and purify your heart.,
If you don't hate sin, you will fall into it. Love God and hate sin, and you will always walk in the path of righteousness.

What is the verse 16 of Malachi?
16 "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of lsrael. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, " says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful


Do u know how hard it was not to want to share that with H as well? I didn't

[grok]

Do u know how hard it was not to want to share that with H as well? I didn't

Stay strong Whatlee. I believe the wisdom around here goes something like - You didn't talk your way into this. You won't talk your way out of it. Only consistent actions over time may be noticed and trusted if you do them for yourself.

Use your devotions to strengthen yourself, YOUR convictions in order to keep yourself solid and stable. This helps strengthen you internally and makes you more attractive.

This brings to mind a funny/not-funny episode from my rough road. Mid last year my W's parents came by in their RV travels to visit for a week. W had other things to do on Sunday...I don't remember what. I speculated avoidance..., so I took the kids to church and my in-laws came also. THAT Sunday the pastor's topic was the Biblical definition of CONTENTMENT. Ha!

W asked me later what the days topic was. I hesitated, thinking of ways to answer this, then just simply replied with a single word, "Contentment." She knows the topic. She just looked at me funny for a moment and walked away. Some weeks/months later I found out her parents, initially supportive of assistance she asked for, said NO after that sermon.

My W knows the words. She knows the bits you posted above. She once treated me to a short discussion on monsters of the Bible who were God's favored anyway. She implied she would be OK because of this. She did NOT follow up with their true repentance for all wrong actions. So...the point is talking and right words is not what will impact the MLC/WS/WAS. Use them for yourself.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning What

That is an excellent message. Glad it resonated with you. And glad you didn’t try to inform H. He is not ready to hear it and would push back. Besides, the best way to tell him is to demonstrate by living your life. Loving your life. Focusing on you.


Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Love the person, forgive the sin.



Walk the path. Walk in the light. Keep moving forward.

You got this.

D