Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[MrP]

Just to 2nd what Mach says here, think of boundaries as defensive or protective, not punitive. The other party may feel "punished" if the no longer get the desired response from you they want or used to get. Your goal should be to make your expectations clear and set out the framework for having those expectations respected as well as create some accountability that is within your control. When I create or tune up my boundaries, I check my intent to make sure it is to care for myself and not to harm or punish the other party. A good therapist can help a lot here as a sounding board (as can this group). Not easy stuff and like any muscle it gets stronger with practice!

[grok]

Snippet from Monday's final mediation.

Mediator, "G, I see you have a section highlighted there. "Did you have a change on the education section?"
G, "Well, I'd like us to review what we are doing for S12's education each year. I have no intent to change the described homeschooling since it has done so well for our other two. I am concerned though that the language locks us in to this method for all future years. I'd like to have a yearly schooling plans by us in case we want to change anything."
W, "I take that as an attack on me. Are you trying to take that away from me?"
G, "No, W, I am not. When we started, we agreed to decide on a yearly basis if homeschooling was the best thing from each child and adjust from there."
W, "But this is something I have to do for them."

We did agree to language to reviewing the next years schooling plans in advance. It struck me later though, this was about her, not about what was best for the children. She was clinging adamantly to this method of education because it made HER feel valuable. Any other way was not to be considered...ever.

g

[Mach1]

Snippet from Monday's final mediation.

Mediator, "G, I see you have a section highlighted there. "Did you have a change on the education section?"
G, "Well, I'd like us to review what we are doing for S12's education each year. I have no intent to change the described homeschooling since it has done so well for our other two. I am concerned though that the language locks us in to this method for all future years. I'd like to have a yearly schooling plans by us in case we want to change anything."
W, "I take that as an attack on me. Are you trying to take that away from me?"
G, "No, W, I am not. When we started, we agreed to decide on a yearly basis if homeschooling was the best thing from each child and adjust from there."
W, "But this is something I have to do for them."

We did agree to language to reviewing the next years schooling plans in advance. It struck me later though, this was about her, not about what was best for the children. She was clinging adamantly to this method of education because it made HER feel valuable. Any other way was not to be considered...ever.

g

Stay your course G...

[grok]

Some days...

Steady on course Mach1. It's just ... a lot. and as expected a delayed nerve and emotional response to the mediation session where the parenting plan and settlement were signed. The waves come and go today.

...and S12 had a minor medical procedure. W took him and he's fine and on minor pain meds for a few days.

...and I came home early to take D17 to work because W said she couldn't make it. I picked her up also because W said traffic.

Audiobooks, podcasts, physical books. Nope. Music...a day for no lyrics. No thinking. Just feel.

For focus on the drive it's a random "Pretty Lights" day. A fusion of 40's swing/ambient/electronic beats something. I often find the overlay of slowly changing harmonics/intruments on top of repettitive beats soothing and focusing. Perhaps I am on the spectrum somewhere. Not looking at the titles while listening, these are the playlist songs I favorited today...huh, those song and albmum titles...

Something's Wrong - Filling up the City Skies - Pretty Lights
Looking for Love (But Not so Sure) - Glowing in the Darkest Night - Pretty Lights
Total Facination - Making Up a Changing Mind - Pretty Lights
World Of Illusion - Glowing in the Darkest Night - Pretty Lights
Finally Moving - Taking up Your Precious Time - Pretty Lights
One Day They'll Know (ODESZA Remix) - A Color Map of the Sun (Remixes) - Pretty Lights

Back home and it's time for chill.

Things Left Unsaid - Pink Floyd - The Endless River
It's What We Do - Pink Floyd - The Endless River
Transmitter - Daniel Lanois - Shine
Desert Rose - Daniel Lanois - Belladonnna

OK, one with lyrics. Because I found Daniel Lanois from his duet with U2. And because the music video makes clear the first verse is about why we are here in this forum.

Falling at Your Feet - Million Dollar Hotel soundtrack - Daniel Lanois and U2

Every chip from every cup
Every promise given up
Every reason that's not enough
Is falling, falling at your feet
...
Everyone who needs a friend
Every life that has no end
Every knee not ready to bend
Is falling, falling at your feet
I’ve come crawling, now I’m falling at your feet…
....
(All fall down) All the information
(All fall down) All the big ideas
(All fall down) All the radio waves
(All fall down) Electronic seas
(All fall down) How to navigate
(All fall down) How to simply be
(All fall down) To know when to wait
(All fall down) This plain simplicity
(All fall down) In whom shall I trust
(All fall down) How might I be still
(All fall down) Teach me to surrender
(All fall down) Not my will, thy will...

g

D17, "Dad! Why are you watching that video? That is way too sad. Thanks for getting apricots. I'm going to go play with my bird."

[Mach1]

Some days...

Steady on course Mach1. It's just ... a lot. and as expected a delayed nerve and emotional response to the mediation session where the parenting plan and settlement were signed. The waves come and go today.

It IS a lot....

It's also what's needed right now.

A true test of character is when you are up against it....

And you are up against it now....


And as you might know...

There can be no testimony without a test...

[grok]

Test in continuing increments

A true test of character is when you are up against it....

And you are up against it now....


And as you might know...

There can be no testimony without a test…

I’ve contemplated this from month one. Imbued in me by my parents…every trial in life is your testament to others. You do not know who is watching or what effect it will have on their lives. People are not truly convinced by your talking or preaching. They watch to see if you LIVE it. Sounds like DB.

A true test.

Come at me sideways

from an unexpected direction.

And in areas I am not skilled

or comfortable.

An “Out of Context Problem”

I didn’t start from zero either. I started in the negative because of my own sad state, depressed and withdrawn, at the beginning. I had to struggle simply to come to the surface before actually beginning.

Testimony. What do I want others see in my actions/reactions? What example to I want to leave for my D19, D17, and S12? How do I show love, empathy, AND disapproval of W’s choices? What will my failures, breakage, and recovery show? Perhaps a Sometimes Phoenix. Fill in the blanks.

Sometimes Phoenix - Kings Kaleidoscope

When I am an old king
Will I be alone in my castle cold?
...
Just a sometimes phoenix
Burning through castles of clouds
Just a sometimes phoenix
Above or below, I am alone here
...
Cold from the crash
Grounded but free
Embers of birth
Rising in me
Cold from the crash
Humbled and free


Test <current year> "#"var=$((var+1))
(Not actually a programer, but have had to pick up enough along the way. For those not technical, this just means then next increment of the Test)

I notice W’s vehicle is parked out front last night. Kids and I are going about our evening routine. I said nothing and wait. Eventually

D19 says, “I’m going outside dad. I have to talk with momma and have it out with her. Because I’m right and she’s absolutely wrong.”
G, “OK D19. What’s going on?”
D19, “She’s…. I’ll fill you in later.” She rolls her eyes and goes out the door with a look of distaste on her face.
G, “D19, tell me if and when you think it is right to do so.”

D17, S12, and I go through our nighttime routines and get ready for bed. I’m not sure they know she is out there. Maybe. I take the little dogs on a 15 minute night walk, get them food/water and crate. I take out big dog for a short walk just to pee. I had taken him for neutering today. He is soooooo out of it on the sedatives… and funny/not funny keeps running into things with his “cone of shame” to keep him from licking the wound. I help D17 with her chicken and take care of W’s rabbit. Lights are almost all out. Then head up to brush my own teeth.

Aside for background: D19 works at a family run (mom and two sons) business that combines a racquet club, restaurant, gym, swimming pool, and during/after school care for kids ~4-13. She teaches swim lessons and does kid care. She loves those kids. "Dad, I'm their parent. They need someone to be. Many are often dropped off for 12+ hours a day." One of those sons oversees swim lessons and the restaurant. He is the OM that W thinks made her promises. So…sort of one of D19’s bosses…. He actually handed D19 a $100 bill a few weeks back after she had dealt with several situations during the day, when no one else was stepping up.

D19 finally comes back in and plops on my bed. “D17, S12, go say goodnight to momma!” She hollers.
D19, “Yeah dad, I caught her lying to me today. I called her out on it earlier. Now I told her exactly what I think of this. Someone has to knock some sense into her.”
G, “D19, you know I can’t be the one to do so. You tell her what YOU think is right. You know I’m not telling you most of what I know and what is between us because it is not your problem. You are my CHILD. At the same time I try to let you know a little bit because of where you work.”

D19, “I know dad. But I’ll tell YOU. She sent a 40 piece chicken nuggets to the pool deck (where OM is often). Then she came by with a steak and tried to play it off as if it was for me. I DON’T eat steak! She knows that.”
G, “That…..doesn’t really surprise me. When I want to know, I can look and see what she is up to. I haven’t it quite a while.”
D19, “I told her it puts me in a bad position. It’s not right. I had her agree that she wouldn’t come over to the facility any more unless she was actually directly invited in writing. And that is not happening.” She snorts. (She meant OM directly inviting her over)

D19, ”Dad, what she’s doing will end up with D17 and S12 in counseling.”
G, ”D19, does D17 talk to you? “
D19, “Yes, she talks to me. We sometimes discuss things.”
G, ”Good. Like I’ve said before, you three should be able to talk to each other and support and depend on each other. I’ll think on stuff like counseling.“

g

[grok]

On increased emotional sensitivity and empathy...

Wow, it is often mentioned here how emotional sensitivity and empathy increase after BD. I can testify to the truth of this. It broke my walls and shields. Exposed all the raw receptors. It hurts. For example

in the evening last week, D19 had just come home from work and D17 come over to mess around with her. You know... Sisters... Teasing began and escalated to pillows. And harder blows.

D17 SHRIEKS in PAIN and TERROR suddenly.
D19, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...." her face red and fear and shame and concern all over. Tears begin. She curls up hugging a pillow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...."
D17, "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Wailing. Crying. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" "GET AWAY!" She curls up into herself on the other couch with hands over her ear. The one with the new piercing.
D19, "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, DAD, I didn't mean to..."

G, "D19, I know. It will be OK. D17, a hug first?"
D17, "NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" she runs upstairs to a bathroom and closes the door. crying. fear on her face.
D19, "DAD! I wouldn't hurt her! I wouldn't! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry....I'm...sorry" she is now curled up into herself also. tears everywhere.
G, "I know you wouldn't. It will be OK. I'll go check on your sister."

I know what happened. It will be OK. but right now...with all this emoting and pain from each daughter in their immediate desperation...I could FEEL what EACH daughter was feeling. Tears in MY eyes. Lump in MY throat. Weight on MY chest. Reaction chemicals flooding MY system. Was this emotional overload what W was looking for relief from? Why they run?

G, "D17, I'm here. Will you let me see? Let me check your piercing and the post. "
She opens the door, "Dad, ....I..."
G, "I know D17. You felt hurt and scared. It hurt a lot to have the new piercing hit. And it was SCARY. And you are worried about injuring the piercing. And because of the warnings about not to touch or move a new piercing because of healing and infection. I know. You will be OK."
D17, "...yes..."

I looked her over and she is fine. Just shaken up from the pain and fear. I give her hugs. I have to visualize a stop sign to halt my own continuing reactions. thinking remain their solid rock G.
G, "D17, you know she didn't mean to hurt you. She is sorry and feels REALLY bad. Accept her apologies, OK."
D17 hesitates, then nods. She knows but is not quite ready for it.

I go back downstairs to D19 and give her a hug.
G, "D19, she knows you didn't mean it. It was still painful and scary. Just apologize when she comes down and then leave it alone. OK?"
D19 sobs, "OK Dad. I would never hurt her on purpose. I wouldn't!" she is still hiding her face. tears still falling.

D17 comes downstairs and slowly walks past D19 and on into the kitchen where I was.
D17 whispers, "dad...she didn't say anything. ?"
G, "I know D17. It feels hard and scary to say sorry when you are upset and mad at her. Give her grace and a chance to say it. Then you leave it be"

After a few minutes puttering around with me in the kitchen she goes into the other room. I hear a low-level conversation. When I next see them, all appears resolved though the reverberations still feel like they are bouncing around the room. I hope I have provided the stable rock without solving their problem. Perhaps a little guidance as Dad.

In all my life I have NEVER been affected by others' emotions like this. I don't have the tools or experience to deal with it. Just typing this out days later still brings tears to my eyes and a lump into my throat all over again.

I'm learning. Learning on the fly. Story of my life.

g

[Mach1]

On increased emotional sensitivity and empathy...

Wow, it is often mentioned here how emotional sensitivity and empathy increase after BD. I can testify to the truth of this. It broke my walls and shields. Exposed all the raw receptors. It hurts.

A lot of us DBers go through that. And I'm glad that you are as well...

It's an emotional awakening that defines who you are, what you are, how you are, and why you are...

Call it spiritual, call it getting in touch with your feminine side, whatever it is...

It will change your responses and reactions from this day forward...as it should.

You are seeing the world through a new set of eyes now.

And as I call it ???

As crappy as it's been, it is also one of the many gifts that your situation has given to you....

In all my life I have NEVER been affected by others' emotions like this. I don't have the tools or experience to deal with it. Just typing this out days later still brings tears to my eyes and a lump into my throat all over again.

I'm learning. Learning on the fly. Story of my life.

g

Yea, however , you are learning to use some new tools now.

No longer will you be cutting tile with a butter knife.

In time though, the extremeness of it will fade a bit, and you will become a more balanced person while keeping those new tools.

One thing that I did though, I gave myself 2 years to work on myself (not as a timeline) and to let things settle in my sitch. I figured that my marriage deserved that, and that I also deserved that.

I looked back over the years that my spouse had carried the marriage on her back while I was taking everything for granted, and maybe it was MY turn to carry the marriage for a while, while she figured herself out (or not).

What I also did, was to make a template, of what I wanted MY life to look like, and what I wanted it to look like within the confines of a relationship. Whether it was with her, or not.

I got some new tools, I sharpened the ones that I had after I took them out of the box and examined them to see if they worked for me...

Some did, some did not....

So maybe recognize those new tools when you get them...

Examine the ones you already have ...

Try them out, try them on, to see if they work for who YOU want to be for your future...

Whether your next relationship is with your current spouse or not....

Those tools will serve you well down the road....



So enough about that....

What are your plans for the weekend ???

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Thaw was nicely handled. A check for any actual injury to the new and healing piercing; some comforting and direct Dad advice on how to apologize; and not making them do so, letting them come to it. Which sounds like it did not take too long. Keep being strong stable Dad. With some gentle steering here and there.

Yes, most LBS become more emotionally connected to themselves and others. Empathy and sensitivity do increase. Oddly, that path also brings the ability to temporarily put aside those heightened feelings too; like the stop sign visualization you mentioned. It’s all part of acceptance, that emotional understanding - both of self and others.

Was this emotional overload? what W was looking for relief from? Why they run?

A taste of it.

You know where and why your feelings originated. You understood/understand why you felt like you did during the aftermath of the pillow fight. A person in crisis does not. The origin of their emotional torment is unrealized. Without indication of why or where they feel what they do, it is near impossible to understand or make peace with it. Yet, their torment remains ceaseless and long term, and they run.

Unlike the LBS, a crisis individual usually becomes lacking in empathy and sensitivity towards others. The crisis stealing away the caring person they once were, or more accurately stealing away their ability/capacity to do so. Their depression and pain and sorrow drags them down and turns them inward. Their own emotions are cranked to eleven and they simply have no bandwidth for other’s. Their internal pressure is bubbling over. And they must find relief.

They run for a land free from pressure and responsibility. Yet, life still goes on. Bills, kids, work, etc. They ignore plenty, and eventually reap consequences from what they sow. Which is more pressure and pain. No matter how far or fast they run, they cannot escape, for there they are.

In all my life I have NEVER been affected by others' emotions like this. I don't have the tools or experience to deal with it.

You are adding to your toolbox and gaining experience everyday. Emotional intelligence is just one of the many benefits from this golden opportunity you never asked for. Walk the path. Walk in the light.

Have a great day.

D

[grok]

G’s saga continues
mega update version

So enough about that....

What are your plans for the weekend ???

Let’s see… at the time I read this on Friday I was planning dinner.

Since I am by myself for a bit…hmmmm. I don’t want to let food in the fridge go to waste so I’ll use leftovers and remnants, no new stuff. The little bit of white rice as a base. I’ll throw in a frypan some of the half an onion, bell pepper before it goes bad, brown mushrooms, celery tops, brown mushrooms, and some butter. I poke around in the spice cabinet and smell the various dried herbs and season when it seems to fit. Just for fun I’ll add some wasabi sea salt from the magnetic container stuck to the outside of the fridge. Protein, Protein. Four frozen meatballs go in the microwave. This counts as remnants since, after trying them, none of the kids will eat this brand. Just for fun a little grated sharp white cheddar. There. Cheddar over meatballs over sautéed veggies, over rice. Yum just for me.

The week before

Alone…I should back up a bit to last Monday though. Some months back W said she wanted to take the children to visit her parents and brother around this time when her nephew graduates high school. I said sure, of course they should see those grandparents. Then I STFU. Not another peep or offer.

Over time it got reduced from 2+ weeks to just a week including travel time. Everyone else involved had various objections and plans. Also, I’ve always been the one to plan and book all the travel. I didn’t ask but gathered from kids remarks that the grandparents helped plan/fund the trip.

W and kids departed for the airport well before dawn last Monday. After Sunday church I got the kids ready and helped them pack. Got them fed before W arrived. Then the menagerie was up to me for the week. Three dogs, two birds, two rabbits, one chicken and assorted D17’s plants.

This means a modified work schedule so I’m not away from the dogs for more than 8 hours. Monday evening I hit the mountain bike trails to work out.

Tuesday evening I went to the brewery to sit and read/write with a local brew and sandwich.

Wednesday evening I did NOTHING!

Thursday and Friday evenings I got my butt in gear to start the next stage of house purging. Both debris of the years that W has never taken care of and W’s stuff seemingly abandoned in place. Treadmill and exercise bike had’t been used in years, out to the garage they go. Furniture bits that are hers alone get stacked in the corner where exercise stuff had been. I had purchased 27 gallon totes to pack a bunch of her clothes in and stack. Pulling down some pictures from walls and shelves. As I go through as separate some obvious ones It hits me how much joy is shown through the years in those pictures. They don’t match claims of long term unhappiness.

I make the aforementioned dinner!

Plans for the weekend 1

Saturday was cleanup day as kids will be back around midnight. But hey, thinking on Mach1’s question… There is a car show today! I abandon cleanup mid-morning and head out to the car show. I eat a burger and start viewing. A 60’s VW camper van in pristine condition! Just like the one my dad had when I was little. It was stolen from him at gunpoint in Mexico. Lots of 60s and 70s big American iron. Exotics….Bently, Rolls Royce, an early Ford GT40, ’83 Lotus Esprit Turbo, NSXs, Nissan GT, and more. Others…Miata stuffed with a 5.0 (those are fun…), Monte Carlo SS (In my dorm at college a guy had one. One day he comes zipping up and parks. FIVE minutes later the law comes racing up with flashing lights…), Shelby Cobra, Bel Aire, Hot Rods galore, Willys Jeeps, and more. It was fun. After three plus hours in 95F+ heat I head home and have a nap. Finish cleanup later.

Kids return and upsets
Messaging kids all day as they travel. It looks like ETA is after 1am. I know they will be tired and hungry so I set bread baking in the bread maker to finish just before they arrive. Hot fresh bread! All kids tired and ready for bed. Some upset from D17 when she realizes I had moved some minor pieces around and to the garage. She is the one who likes zero change.

D17, ”DAD! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE CHANGING ANYTHING!”. A brief discussion intense with her and it will be OK. She is still a little mad and wants to know before I do things though. Fair.

S12 is having a hard time though. Quietly crying in his bed. Intense exposure to W, Grandparents, Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, and now home on top of the mom/dad issue was wrenching change. I sat with him at his bed for a while and talked with him. Validated sadness as legitimate. That I also I also felt sad. I think closer to 3a to sleep.

Up at 7a for dogs. Throw pre-made cinnamon rolls in the oven for kids. Spend the next hours setting up S12’s old computer for D17. Her laptop drive failed the other day and replacement drives I have were too small to restore the backup to. Kids wake slowly. No church today, they are all tired. I go to take a shower and big dog eats one of D17’s suitcase wheels in the 10 minutes I am away. Aaarrggg! That suitcase was a birthday gift to her from W.

I go to tell D17 and promise she may pick a replacement now or in the future. She is upset for a few minutes then, says with a straight face, “Dad, I can’t go get one right now, I’m not even dressed yet!” I start to explain then stop. She got me. Droll humor. Ha!

S12 appears and has tears in his eyes. W is on a video call with him. She looks like she has tears too. S12 hands me the call.
W, “G, he needs extra hugs today OK? He is having trouble.”
G, “Yes I know and of course I will.” Then I STFU about all the reasons he is feeling this way. Like I would be so dense as not to know.
W, ”S12, I’ll come by later OK?” . She hangs up.
G, ”S12, just like last night I know you feel sad. It’s ok to feel that way and let the tears out. Then we get ourselves up and go do the good things of the day. The doing of those things will help us feel better. How was the amazing <super cool giant location> you visited?”
S12, ”I don’t know dad. I don’t feel like anything is cool or exciting even when it should be.”
My heart bleeds.

OK, time to prep D17 and S12 with foods and myself for travel. D19 and I are going to a concert tonight. I just get started when I hear -

D17, [I]”Daaaad, Daaaad, …. Come RIGHT now…. Where are you? Help me Help me Help me”. I have a bad feeling about this.
D17, ”Mom’s remaining bunny isn’t moving. Help me. “

She is trembling and barely keeping it together. It turns out like the other bunny that died, W hasn’t been keeping care of it. Poop and pee matted fur. Flea bites everywhere. I give it 50/50 of living through this. D17 and I take it out into the back yard where I gently hose it down while she trims fur off with scissors. What a mess. D19 gets a squeeze bottle to give it water. Food is mashed into a syringe. We put it inside in a clean plastic bin. There was some talk of calling W but D17 shut it down.

D17, “We can’t keep this bunny”
G, “D17 you are right. I will tell W she must take the bunny to her place like she said she would.”
D17, “NO, I’ll talk to her. If we send it with her the same thing will happen again and I can’t take that. WE have to find it a new home. Dad, It’s better if I tell her”

D17 finding her voice and limits with her mom.

Plans for the weekend 2 - Concert!

Now…off on a three hour drive to the NF concert with D19. I set up with D17 and S12 that we will be back about 2a. On the drive D19 and I talk a bit about home and her siblings. I tell her I’m proud of her for being able to directly tell her mom what she thinks of all this mess. Not what I think of it, what she D19 thinks. We have burgers just outside the arena. While there I was messaging with my best man (the one I reconnected with this last year). He says,

“My son's favorite artist. I've been to 3 NF concerts, myself
His songs deal with not being a victim and just staying that way”

Huh. Well isn’t that on theme! I should pay attention…. The concert was great.

On the drive back home, right now, I check the camera records. W had stopped by twice earlier for 5 minutes each. Now at bed time she stopped by again for 40 minutes to walk the dogs then departed. I wonder what S12 thought of the promised stop by.

Now? 1am. One hour to go to get home and typing we travel. D17 and S12 say they are in bed. D19 is driving both ways since my vehicle is “more zoomy and I like it.”. What are my weekend plans for tomorrow? I don’t know. I had car show and concert on my plans and the rest just filled in completely. I’ll sleep on it…zzz

g