Hey, T. Understandable that you'd be frustrated by your XW not adhering to your custody arrangement. As we say, accountability is their kryptonite, especially when a legal agreement is likely involved.
I appreciate you sharing your arrangement. If my D goes through, I am thinking about what is best for my D13. She seems to want to stay at both places and, to me, it is important that she do so. When my parents divorced, my father made me go to my mother's, even when I didn't want to. Now, it might have been as much for him to get a "break" as his belief that my feelings about my mom were fleeting and I needed to experience both parents. Either way, it helped me see more about both parents, understand how they were unlikely to have been incompatible in the long run, and appreciate the pros/cons of living with either. From that experience, I'd say kids see and hear more than we think. And, they apply it later in life in how they choose to relate to each parent.
Keep doing what is best for you and your kids. Have faith in that guiding principle. If their free will (or bad judgment) pulls them to your XW, so be it. You'll have done the best you could. And, I suspect they'll see that and respond accordingly.
Thanks guys. Yeah I'm not sure what the best answer is. XW and I honestly (I think) are trying to do what is in sons best interest. But I also think it's putting a lot of pressure on him.
He stayed with me Sunday and Monday, and XW picked him up yesterday evening. I probably won't see him again till Friday. There is nothing more heartbreaking than him leaving, knowing I won't see him again for a few days. I hate to say it, in a small way it's nice to get a little break, but it's also really depressing.
MrP, i haven't been up to much. I think I said before, the first 2 months of this were actually easy, due to being so damn busy with the house, sons activities, etc. Now things have slowed down and reality has set in. It's weird, in a way all of this feels somehow 'temporary'.
I've met and went out with a girl a few times. Am I ready to date? I don't know. Probably not. But the alternative to going to dinner or something with her is going out to bars with my alcoholic friends. I really need to refocus on my health (mental and physical), and also not blowing money.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.
I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.
Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!
Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P
Hi folks. Hope you're all well! It's been almost 2 months since my last post, so thought I'd just check in with everyone.
Life is rolling along. XW and I continue to coparent reasonably well. Son has been doing fine, although it still bothers him going back and forth, and not really having a set schedule. He also seems a little bummed out that in a few weeks it'll be his first birthday since the D.
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life. I suppose the first year is the hardest, since every date/event now is the 'first time' (birthdays, 4th of July, etc).
I've been seeing a girl that last month or two. It isn't/wasn't serious. We haven't had sex or anything yet. But things are progressing. Sometimes I feel a little too quickly. But she's really cool, understanding, and most importantly, seems to really like me.
Two of my best friends (husband and wife), and my brother and his gf have booked a cruise over New Years. They've begged me to go with them, and have mentioned it several times to the girl I'm seeing. She is totally into it. That's good, but a little scary. We still have several months to see what happens.
Anyway, hope all is well with everyone!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I found that first year to be tough. And kids do as well. All those special dates, the first Christmas, birthday, new years, valentines, etc; after BD, then after separation, then after divorce. Well, a few first “first” ones, right?
Such is grief. We grieve the loss of our old normal and find acceptance of our new normal.
I experienced a likewise depression and “firsts” after the death of my grandparents years ago, and now, present day, my cousin as well. And will again with my parents and other losses. It’s perfectly healthy and normal. Not a complete list of my losses by any stretch, just illustrating the similarity of the grief process is all. The amplitude and duration of one’s grief, ah, that is/was quite a bit larger for the martial situation.
Life is full of loss/change events and the corresponding grief. Even positive change, example retirement, has a loss component. Loss of camaraderie, loss of routine, loss of idiot bosses (haha), and so on. Some losses are much quicker to find acceptance with.
Big stuff like divorce, my advice is no major changes for one year. Let all those firsts be assimilated and experienced. Let all that settle. That’s one year after signing and stamped by the courts. A year for the ink to dry. Signed and finalized is definitely new/different/more than legally separated.
Originally Posted by Terapin
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life.
Yep.
Coming up on seven years and I still think of my XW. She’s the mother of our children. We were together for 31 years. We didn’t/don’t even coparent, like you are doing. I had sole custody.
You don’t forget. You find peace with it.
As in: My mental state is good. Really good. I do think about XW every now and then. I do miss her, and the life I had. I absolutely love the life I do have!
There is not buts about it. No “buts”, no justifications, no building exceptions to the rule. I just live it.
Acceptance, peace, contentment, it comes. It takes time. One day you simply realize it. No I guess, no buts, just are, just is.
Same for dating, or being ready to. Discover you before discovering someone else. There will be no guesswork when you are truly ready.
Have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
