Act III (3)

[SteveLW]

SF, so you found out about OM#1. What did it change? Your situation is your situation. And tl revelations about they past do not change that.

Obviously, in terms of my goals and moving forward, it changes nothing at all.

It may have, however, strengthened my feeling that I will be better off out of this marriage than in it.

I might feel more like a WAS at the moment than a LBS.

SF, this is very fair and completely within your rights. I am anti-divorce except in two cases: when there is toxic behavior (physical aggression or substance abuse) or for infidelity. As I am fond of telling any LBS, at anytime it is your right to decide YOU want a divorce and to go file yourself.

Keep us up-to-date.

[Sunflyer]

Oh how the tables are turning x this is awesome Sunflyer to get into a position where you are the one feeling like the WAS not the LBS now. This truly is awesome. And even better that you can see what’s good for you and your values and morals

Thanks Pattnee. Feel like I'm getting closer to completely dropping that rope. Her behavior is a complete mess. While I know and accept my failings in the marriage, there is no justifying her off the rails abandonment of the values I thought we both shared. This is not the woman I thought I married.

[Sunflyer]

SF, this is very fair and completely within your rights. I am anti-divorce except in two cases: when there is toxic behavior (physical aggression or substance abuse) or for infidelity. As I am fond of telling any LBS, at anytime it is your right to decide YOU want a divorce and to go file yourself.

Keep us up-to-date.

Steve,

A quick summary since I know you won't have time to go through 200+ posts:

1.) She already filed, back in June. From the beginning, I have been realistic about my chances at saving this marriage, as she is a very decisive and stubborn woman. (I can be stubborn too, though for different reasons).

2.) BD was in May. Had two discussions, initiated by her, regarding D. She would not remotely consider working to repair the marriage. As I said, I figured chances were slim, but in retrospect, she was likely involved with OM1 (our son's coach) at the time and this would cement her resistance.

3.) Relationship with coach did not last long, as she was on to OM2 (current one) by September.

4.) Status of D is that I filed my financial statement in October; my L came back soon after and asked for more documents. I have been trying to put these together, although work and other aspects of life have delayed completion of this. I am motivated at this point to get this part done.

5.) Have not heard anything from her L regarding how much of her own paperwork has been submitted. Figured if she was done, perhaps her L would kickstart things by sending over a proposal, but crickets.

[Sunflyer]

Well, a shoe has dropped. My regular disappearances to GAL finally resulted in W asking me if I am seeing someone. I gave nothing up. Wonder if she was genuinely curious or just looking to drop the bomb about her AP.

I felt like giving a sarcastic reply like, “You finally figured that out?”

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

Glad you remained calm and even keeled. The sarcasm would feel good for only a short time, and would be counterproductive overall.

Wonder if she was genuinely curious or just looking to drop the bomb about her AP.

Likely a mixture of many things. Temp checking, trying to get a rise out of you, start a fight, stir up justifications for her choices, deflect her feelings, curiosity, attempted ice breaking, she’s noticing you and your life/happiness, etc.

Nice DBing. Remaining calm and rational. Not taking any bait. Well done!

How was Christmas? Kids and you get any cool gifts from Santa?

D

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning Sun

Glad you remained calm and even keeled. The sarcasm would feel good for only a short time, and would be counterproductive overall.

Yes, in the end I'm glad I held my tongue. She had been talking about finances, dividing assets, etc., and the question came out of left field. Didn't expect it at all.

I guess I'd like to impress on any newbies who might be reading this that, if they're wondering, "Do they actually notice the changes?" Clearly they do, even if they don't mention that they do. But being consistent and not trying to win the spouse back are key. I want to take this as a positive that I'm making progress on shedding the skin that was Sunflyer 1.0. There's no going back from here.

How was Christmas? Kids and you get any cool gifts from Santa?

D

Holidays were pretty good all things considered. Whenever W and sons were with W's family, I was out. Spent Christmas morning with W and sons. W made her usual large Christmas breakfast but was rather reserved and quiet when I and one of our sons showed up in the living room.

Gifts. My older son gave me a $100 Amazon gift card. He buys gifts out of his own bank account, which impresses me. W got me a few things (I wasn't really expecting anything): gloves, a couple of shirts, a gift card, some candy. I did buy her a couple of gift cards and signed them from the boys. My sister gave me cash, a couple of more shirts, and an overnight bag for future short trips. I was with her for Christmas dinner; she made Cornish game hens.

Can't really complain about how things went. A nice respite from a difficult year.

[MrP]

Hey SF. It sounds like a good end to 2023 and a beginning to 2024. I like what you said above about 1) not trying to win back your spouse and 2) being consistent. I agree with DnJ that her questions about whether or not you were seeing someone were likely driven by several things. Glad you didn't take the bait. I wish you the best 2024 possible.

[Sunflyer]

Just a short update.

Sent some more documents to L. As it turns out, W's lawyer informed her that she completed her financial statement incorrectly. She says she will correct it and have info forwarded to me. Waiting.
So the wheels continue to spin in the mud. Seven months since she filed and my L still has no proposal from her.

Meanwhile, I am getting out every week: to see my sister, going out to eat, finding ways to spend time. I am planning on reconnecting with a volunteer group I used to work with, and an old friend has suggested I come visit for a weekend when the weather gets warmer.

W has fallen into a routine of disappearing one day each weekend for long hours, no doubt with OM. So I do the same (although I don't stay out as late as she does). Based on her reactions, it seems that her speculation that I'm with another woman is growing.

I just say what she does: "I have plans" or "I'm going out" and off I go. I offer no details since she doesn't either.

Bottom line, this DB stuff WORKS. And I am not referring to any hope of getting her back, although her behavioral response is just like MWD describes in the DR book. It is beyond liberating to do what you want, not feel any guilt about it, and take a modicum of control over your life. Last night I watched an old movie from my vast collection of movies. (W used to complain that I spent too much time doing stuff like this, despite the fact that I was lucky to watch one or two movies a week, or none). Now after dinner, if I feel like it, I just go downstairs, put the movie on, and let my mind escape. Bliss.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

Wonderful update!

Bottom line, this DB stuff WORKS. And I am not referring to any hope of getting her back, although her behavioral response is just like MWD describes in the DR book.

Good stuff.

It is beyond liberating to do what you want, not feel any guilt about it, and take a modicum of control over your life.

YES!

Perfect!

Keep it up. Keep building upon that.

I'm making progress on shedding the skin that was Sunflyer 1.0. There's no going back from here.

Yes, the golden opportunity within all this. From such destruction, we put ourselves back together. And in that process, we have the opportunity to examine our pieces, to really examine our self. We strengthen some, alter some, and discard some. Even craft some new and “aspired to be” pieces as well.

Continue moving forward.

Walk in the light.

D

[Sunflyer]

Had something of a rough night last night.

My sister's birthday is tomorrow (Monday), and so I planned to take her out to dinner today (Sunday) and having S14 come with us. I texted S14 the day before while he was out to inform him of the dinner plans.

I went out yesterday and when I returned, W said, "As soon as you get settled, I need to talk to you." She began by explaining that S14 had spoken to her about the birthday dinner and was not pleased that W wouldn't be there. (W basically excluded herself because my sister hasn't been on speaking terms with her since the summer). W said that S14 was harboring resentment toward me believing I was "excluding" W.

I told her that I would speak to him and convey that if something came up that concerned my family, I would prefer that he speak to me directly about it and that I'd rather not hear it second hand.

She also indicated that he doesn't like that I turn my phone tracking off when I go out. I haven't shared my location with her in months; I do share with the boys as does she. I never ask them where she goes (I know anyway lol); to be frank I don't trust her not to snoop and it really is not her business where I go. Not sure how to solve this. (No, I don't have an AP).

She then moved the conversation into some of my negative behavior and how it had made her feel devalued, ignored, and like she was not enough for me. Her comments did have validity, and I mostly listened and said little. I think it irritated her that I wouldn't respond to her probing. I did attempt one validating statement: "I'm very sorry that you feel that way." Her response was, "Well, it's nice of you to tell me that NOW," as in angry and not grateful to hear it.

I admit it was difficult to be lectured to about my faults while she knows that she is in her second affair in a year. I am not sure why she feels she is morally superior, but it's clear she does. "I want you to be happy. This advice will help you in your next relationship. Most women won't put up with this," she said.

I was sorely tempted to call her out but did not.

She piled on the guilt very heavily. "You made me feel really bad about myself." Of course, there are those here who would say I couldn't make her feel anything. The superpower nobody has. Indeed, there were times I tried to make her feel better about herself, but it didn't work. So I could make her feel bad but not the opposite?

For the first time in a long while, I had difficulty sleeping last night.

I spoke to S14 today in an attempt to clear the air and told him that I would like to hear issues related to me or my family first hand, not from W although I had no problem with him talking to her. He seemed to be okay with this, went out to dinner with us, and then I took him shopping afterward.