Lovely to read an update/summary of things with you and yours. Really nice to see that daughter has employment (full time no less) and is taking classes. That’s quite a show of determination.
Also wonderful to read that you and W are determined and committed to the new and better relationship. Very happy for you.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
D
Dnj, keep up the fine work you're doing here. And Merry Christmas to you, too.
Last edited by DnJ; 12/18/2303:41 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for returning and giving us an update. You are so right about continuing to DB, 180s and GAL. Your marriage is a new one and that means both of you have had the opportunity to rediscover each other, as well as make the changes that were necessary for this new relationship to work.
All I can say is "A job well done". Keep up the good work and when you feel yourself slipping into old habits, stop and turn around and do something different.
Happy Holidays to you and your family!
Thanks job! As I've said before I owe it all to this board and the great advice that I receive. Please continue to do what you do. And Happy Holidays to you and yours as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the update. Did the last 6 years get better over the years? Was the beginning of piecing more challenging and then things got better for whatever the reasons may be?
PB, thanks for the response.
Your questions are very deep and it will be hard to keep this short.
The last 6 years got easier in the sense that we moved from the cliff of divorce. However, piecing is not easy and requires hard work. I think the mistake most people make is to stop what got them to piecing. You never stop GAL, self-improving, or being healthily emotionally detached. DBing becomes your lifestyle, it isn't something you do temporarily just to avoid the divorce. People that do that end up getting another BD at some point.
As far as piecing being harder at the beginning. Well it's like anything. You get better as you practice it. So yeah it was more challenging to start out. There is the usual lack of trust to get over. For me it was trusting she was really committed back to the marriage. For her it was trusting that the new version of me was permanent. Any slip up in that area for either of us had to be discussed and worked on. Piecing doesn't work by trying to bury things
A couple words of caution. You aren't piecing into you're piecing. Early on when she was slowly working back to the marriage. If I started to think we were piecing before we were out was a major setback. Here is the thing, if the WAS isn't fully committed back to the marriage then you are not piecing. I think a lot of LBSs jump at the first sign the WAS might be changing their mind. You cannot piece until the WAS is fully and completely recommited to the marriage.
Second, no two situations are the same. There is "your mileage may vary" disclaimer is completely necessary in these kinds of responses. No two LBSs are the same. No two WASs are the same. No two situations are they same. While they tend to follow similar patterns, the idiosyncrasies of each person and marriage make them unique. My experience and what worked for me may not apply to you and your situation. My situation turned around fairly quickly. I also give head first into trying to DB 100%. I made mistakes and had setbacks. But my heart was fully committed to DB to fix me, not my marriage. In my case the marriage also got fixed. Those that do the best, whether they end up divorced or not, are the ones that focus on themselves. Not their WAS. Not their marriage.
PB, I asked a question in your thread before this response. If love for you to really consider your answer before you respond.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think the mistake most people make is to stop what got them to piecing. You never stop GAL, self-improving, or being healthily emotionally detached. DBing becomes your lifestyle, it isn't something you do temporarily just to avoid the divorce. People that do that end up getting another BD at some point.
After several false starts in the last couple years this line really speaks to me. I can now look back on the years leading up to my W's PA and see that I was codependent and placing unrealistic expectations on the MR. Steve, what has been your process for making sure you don't backslide? Have there been moments when you realized you were slipping back into your old ways?
As a new member it's really so helpful to have you on the boards. The fact that you still stick around after all these years is so appreciated.
1) IC. This is not optional if you want to keep the changes you've worked so hard for from sliding away and becoming the person you used to be. 2) Having a good view on who you used to be and who you are now. And remembering that your spouse will start to question everything if you start to revert.
#2 answers your second question as well. You've got to be constantly vigilantly that the old man doesn't start creeping back in. It's very similar to giving your life to Christ. There are old behaviors your can no longer engage in and the minute you feel like you are back sliding, holding yourself accountable. Self-awareness is crucial, and only get that through IC.
I'm glad my experience can be useful for you, Maturin. And remember to pay it forward in the future!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of BD. For those that don't know my history it is kind of a BD#2. In September 2005 I discovered an online EA, but when I confronted her back then she immediately said she didn't want a D. That's when I discovered MWD and DB. When I confronted her about an EA 6 years ago, she immediately said she didn't want to be married anymore.
It's funny how I used to hate the date 12/23. Now I look at it more as an "Awakening Date" than a Bomb Date. It was the day I woke up to how badly I had neglected my marriage, how poor my behavior had become, and how I had been drifting through life, sleepwalking almost, rather than having purpose.
I figured I'd post today since tomorrow is Saturday and will likely be a busy day. The good news for those in an active situation is that what the vets here say is true. There is light at the end of the tunnel. That things will get better, whether you save your marriage or not, and you will thrive again one day if you put the work in on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
. I will respond in more detail tomorrow.