For me, (an ambi-vert who has to be extroverted for work but inherently introverted), going to different public libraries for HOURS is one of my favorite personal things to do.
Man, I used to do this all the time as a kid and a teenager and completely forgot about it, Chalk up another way to spend time out of the house!
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Thank you for the thoughtful reply Bustorama! You've definitely hit the nail on the issues I need to work on.
W came over on Saturday to pick up some stuff. We had a nice friendly conversation. I know this isn't textbook DBing, but it was nice seeing her act a bit more normal around me. She wasn't sure if I wanted to speak to her since I haven't initiated contact at all in the past 14+ days.
She mentioned that the situation has been challenging for her as well and that not talking to me for this long felt weird. She said she wanted to keep the communication open and that it was nice talking to me.
I enjoyed being honest and friendly with her, but I'm also trying to remind myself that this does not change her decision in any way.
I have mixed emotions, but trying to stay focus on myself and the path forward.
Friendly and honest is better than many alternatives.
A positive result of low contact as you saw is that the hot stove of the WAS cools off some, so their tension reduces. And they may find, like yours did, that they miss talking to you and even get a bit unsettled that maybe you do not want to anymore.
A great thing about Getting a Life, doing 180s, rediscovering old loves/hobbies, and trying out new ones is when these contacts with WAS happen, you have more to share than just, 'I've been here kind of having a hard time with things.'
There might be a project you've started (or completed). New artwork you've done. A new outing you did and might share a quick story about. Some funny character you met. Or something you're headed out to do or someone/group you are headed out to meet. Cause you're a busy, interesting guy, not a sad sack pining away. But, give just a whiff of you and your connection - like catnip. Then ya gotta go, cause you don't give yourself away.
Warm, positive, fun, mysteriously and newly busy -- "Hey, it was great seeing you and catching up, W, but I gotta go XXXX. I'll see you later! Thanks for coming by."
And you don't wanna talk about the sad state of things/the relationship (unless they initiate it of course). Cause that is not a fun topic. No one talks about stuff like that when they are dating or connecting. So don't go there for reconnecting either.
When she told you that the situation has been challenging for her, did you validate and invite her to share more? 'Yeah, I can imagine it's been hard. Tell me how it's been for you." If one of your challenges was listening to her about her every day things, listening to her, inviting her to share more, and validating when she makes a statement like that might be a 180 for you.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Remember, believe NOTHING she says. And only half of what she does. Walkaway spouses will say whatever is expedient in the moment. Some of their motivations include making themselves feel less guilty, manipulating their left-behind spouse, or getting something they want.
Almost all WASs at some point express a desire to remain friends with their LBS. LBS have to be careful that they don't end up in the friendzone. That's why I'm not a fan of "friendly". Honest? Absolutely. Upbeat and fulfilled, even pleased? Absolutely. But be careful with "friendly". That doesn't mean to be unkind in any way, but it means to keep your interactions short, concise and businesslike.
Remember, you're out GAL! Be busy. Be the one that ends the discussion, and fairly quickly too. "I have to go, I have somewhere to be." Or something similar. Important! Do not apologize for being busy. Avoid "Sorry, I have to go." Just stick to the fact that you are busy and need to end the interaction. Also do not divulge what you are going to do. Being a little mysterious is a powerful tactic.
I like that you are reminding yourself that it doesn't change anything. But that is the danger in interactions. We as LBSs start thinking romantically. "Things must be better because we had a positive interaction!" This is why you should be avoiding interactions, not encouraging them and certainly never initiating them!
Last edited by DnJ; 12/05/2301:55 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she told you that the situation has been challenging for her, did you validate and invite her to share more? 'Yeah, I can imagine it's been hard. Tell me how it's been for you." If one of your challenges was listening to her about her every day things, listening to her, inviting her to share more, and validating when she makes a statement like that might be a 180 for you.
I did. I was trying to focus more on her than myself and validate her feelings while keeping things short and concise. She also asked me how I'd been feeling, so I was honest but ultimately said I was "OK" and would be OK. This is very hard for me because my instinct is to let her know how traumatic this entire experience has been, but I am trying not to do that.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I like that you are reminding yourself that it doesn't change anything. But that is the danger in interactions. We as LBSs start thinking romantically. "Things must be better because we had a positive interaction!" This is why you should be avoiding interactions, not encouraging them and certainly never initiating them!
Definitely! I have not and will not be initiating these interactions unless absolutely necessary. I felt a weird boost of energy after she left because I couldn't help myself but feel positive about the friendly interaction even though we clearly discussed asset division and there were no indication of her backtracking in any way. It's like my mind was tricking me into thinking that "maybe there's a chance!" which I know is the wrong way of thinking.
Overall, I'm happy I've been able to stick with my no contact rule. It hasn't been easy, but I know it's the best thing to do. I think she may be a bit surprised that I haven't been chasing her more, but I can't say for sure.
I'm back to working out every day and focusing on work as much as possible. I'm starting to explore ways to meet new people. Unfortunately I'm still having trouble sleeping and the constant nightmares are messing with me when I first wake up.
Does anybody have any tips on how to improve sleep quality and bad dreams? Waking up in the morning is perhaps the worst part of my day because I dream about my W every single night. It is mentally exhausting. I try to move forward with my day but I miss her so much.
All I can say is that when I had trouble sleeping I chalked it up to allergies and took Benadryl.
As far as dreams, I'm not sure there is anything that can be done. Dreams are caused by the subconscious. Maybe try focusing on other things while awake and the dreams about your wife will lessen. Are you in IC? If not, why not?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sleep quality and quantity does suffer quite a bit at first. Don’t worry, perfectly normal and healthy reaction.
Exercise helps with finding better sleep. Go for a walk before bed.
Shutting off those devices, lessening the visual and auditory stimulation before slumber is also beneficial.
A neat little tidbit, what you think of the five minutes before falling asleep is what you’ll likely dream of. It’s not the only thing you’ll dream of, just one of them. Program your subconsciousness a little before bed.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. It helps with sleep and dreams. Let’s explore a bit.
There is a lull, between feeling your feelings - letting them wash over you and allowing them to extinguish/flit - and when they rise up again. That lull increases as you become more and more detached.
Schedule a time to feel. Allow, purposefully, your feelings to be heard and experienced. Your emotions need to be expressed and acknowledged. That is your subconscious’ need. At first our emotions are all over the place, and spring up at all manner of times. Exert your control of self. Schedule 5 or 10 minutes when you wake, actually set an alarm, to feel your emotions. When alarm goes off, a few deep breaths, wipe your eyes, and get on about your day.
You will likely need a few times during the day to allow processing when first starting out. Schedule convenient times, less those feelings come out at inopportune moments. As you progress, less and less scheduled times will be required. Ramp down the number of times per day. Eventually reaching one. Then ramp that last time down 5, 3, 1 minutes and eventually to zero.
This is detachment. Not being uncontrollably emotionally dragged around by W’s words and behaviours. The key thing: Uncontrollably. Being detached, you still feel hurt, just not dragged about. You will find you can postpone feeling your feelings for later. Ensure you do allow those postponed emotions to speak; don’t want them to build up.
Indifference is the absence of feelings. A numbness towards W. It will come later and after detachment.
Detachment brings your first real taste of peace. And will significantly help with sleep and those dreams.
Let go the rope, or be dragged. Rationalize this. Let it in to your subconscious. The more you let go in the waking world, the more it reflects in the sleeping world.
Hope you have a good day, and a good night sleep.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Exercise helps with finding better sleep. Go for a walk before bed.
Exercise can be a a magic elixir. Mood lifting, mind clearing, sleep promoting. People say this all the time, but LBS often don't buy into it enough. And it improves your appearance, health, and energy.
Exercise also promotes neuroplasticity, which can help us if we are stuck in a rut, or with inflexible thinking or actions. It can help us to try new ways of being. Help us implement 180s.
I got back into long distance running and hiking as part of my sitch. Some by myself and some with meetups/local groups to meet other people and socialize. Are you exercising regularly outside of the house, building89?
What type of exercise have you done in the past and what do you do now?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
What type of exercise have you done in the past and what do you do now?
I've always been pretty active. I normally lift weights at least 3 times a week, go on 30+ minute walks every day, I used to play basketball or pickleball several times of week with my W. I sometime swim as well. I've been back to lifting weights everyday in the last week but I'll admit I've been doing it from home. I'm planning on going back to the gym this evening.
Yesterday was a rough day. It marked three weeks since she left and I broke down after going to the grocery store. I just had flashbacks of being out with her. I miss her so much. I felt an urge to text or call her but I didn't. I managed to get a good night of sleep, so I'm feeling a bit better today.
The grieving process is really getting to me though. I'm having a hard time fully letting go of the past.
