My wife left me. I need help!

[Card29]

If you're an introvert, then that's who you are. I'm somewhere in between, so I enjoyed meeting lots of new people and making new friends, but I still enjoy my alone time. Maybe for you the time with family and a new hobby or two will be the keys to pulling you through this. Maybe through some activity you make 1 or 2 new friends. Don't be afraid to try some different things and see what you like.

One other tip I got this time around is find a new scent. If you never wear cologne, maybe just try one. If you already use something, go buy something completely different. Smell is strongly tied to memory. If whatever products you use remind you of date nights etc with your W, shelve that stuff and go get something different. If you hate anything scented, then disregard this idea haha. For me, it's been the easiest but most effective tool I've used to pick myself up when I'm in a hole emotionally.

I've seen some financial planners giving advice to people who have fluctuating income to make their budgets based on the lowest rolling 12 month income totals that you've had in the last 5 years, but it might be good to do some research on that. YouTube is obviously a great resource. Financial stress is a super common component in divorce, so if you can gain some confidence there with a solid plan, it's one less thing you have on your plate.

And yes, 2 weeks is a blink in this process. It's hard to hear, but this is just the beginning. The good news is the beginning is usually the hardest part emotionally. You're in fight or flight. Sleep can be impossible, appetite is minimal, nausea loves to rear its ugly head, the future seems impossible to face. Your journey, and your W's journey, through this is going to take minimum 2 years, but I promise it won't be this traumatic that whole time. People use the roller coaster analogy a lot on here. Like real roller coasters, the biggest ups and downs are usually at the beginning of the ride. They will turn more into smaller, rolling hills as time goes on. The good days will start outnumbering the bad. It will get easier. You're in survival mode for now, and that's normal. Post here frequently if you need (I know I have over the years, just look at my # of posts - lots of dark days!) and take it one day at a time.

[broken89]

I really really appreciate you sharing all of this with me! Just being able to vent and talk to people who have been through it is immensely helpful.

I love your idea about finding a new scent! I do wear cologne, and like you said, smelling it reminds me of date nights and my W telling me I smell good. I may just have to pick a new one.

Hm that is a great idea also, I will be sure to look into that. I know I am more than capable to make it on my own, it's just that my confidence was definitely knocked down a few pegs and all that self-doubt coupled with anxiety and uncertainty is making it hard to stay focus.

Today has already been a lot better than the past two days though, so there is that. I hope your journey is a bit smoother this time around.

[Sunflyer]

Now it [censored] I'm going through this again, but I think I just have a poor choice in wives, women that seemingly needed me to be happy. Eventually their anxiety, depression or other internal issues overwhelm them and I'm not enough to mask it anymore. They found a new flame that gave them the addictive escape and happiness. I wish I'd learned that the first time, but maybe I at least learn it the second time.

This resonates with me very much. My wife seems to like jumping into relationships. I think one of the reasons she moved into an affair so quickly after deciding to leave me is that she feels she needs a man to keep her happy. Almost like she thinks, "I don't want H anymore; let's see who I can snag next."

I tend to be more cautious in the early stages. I met my wife online while I was in graduate school. I was in a busy period at the time I met her, so we didn't meet face to face for at least a month. First date went very well. She later told me she knew I was "it" right then.

At the end of the night, she kissed me on the cheek. I liked her but had mixed feelings about returning that kiss.

I probably didn't kiss her romantically for at least a few dates more. Once I did, her response was, "I've been waiting to do that for a while!"

Women who move impulsively like this do seem to be filling some hole with romantic involvement.

[Sunflyer]

It is indeed a rollercoaster of emotions. It is very difficult for me to focus on anything else. I will be seemingly OK one minute and crying the next. I can't stop my brain from trying to find a logical answer and wanting to "fix" it.

Completely normal. When a spouse decides to quit a marriage, the person left behind quickly adopts the fix-it mentality. There are problems, so what is the solution? That is only logical.

The spouse leaving, however, isn't being dominated by logic. They are being dominated by emotion. They have a well of resentment toward the person they left. They evoke all the bad qualities of that person so they can identify them as the root of their unhappiness. They forget all the good memories. They are immune to logic.

An article I read recently put it quite well. It is as if they have undergone a "personality transplant." It's why you look at her and don't recognize her at all.

[Sunflyer]

I love your idea about finding a new scent! I do wear cologne, and like you said, smelling it reminds me of date nights and my W telling me I smell good. I may just have to pick a new one.

b89:

Absolutely, 100% do this.

My experience:

I have never been a big cologne or aftershave user. I used to wear it occasionally when W and I went out, because she asked me to.

I changed that up a while ago.

After BD, I noticed a lot of people on here recommending to find a new cologne, aftershave, etc. I went to the store and checked out some aftershaves. Found one I liked. I had already started using a body wash whose scent appealed to me, that I had tried previously but not used in a while.

For good measure, I even changed the toothpaste I used. I didn't feel the one she bought for the house made me feel clean enough.

This made quite a difference in how I felt about myself. One day, I heard W say, "I smelled something like cologne in the bathroom this morning. He didn't used to wear that."

To make clear, you don't do this to impress anyone but yourself. But if my W noticed it, I can bet other people did too. There's a young lady where I work who knows me but has recently started talking to me on a regular basis. (No, I will NOT go there, but like I said, people will notice).

Do it!

[broken89]

The scent thing is so interesting. I think I'll definitely start looking at new body wash and toothpaste too. Sounds silly, but I think it can definitely be helpful.

Yesterday was probably my best day in the last two weeks. The evenings have been particularly difficult. I was already accustomed to being home alone during the day since I work from home, but the loneliness in the evening is palpable. No one to talk to, no one to share your feelings with.

Yesterday, I decided to rekindle my love of indie movies instead of moping around. I made some dinner, poured myself a drink and watched a movie. Baby steps, but it felt like a huge win.

[Ready2Change]

Welcome to a great place for support while you go through this most challenging phase of your life.

I skimmed your sitch.

Going through this process was the best worst thing that I have ever experienced. Looking back, I am glad I was "Forced" to go through it. I hope you will be able to go through the personal growth I have experienced.


"Benjamin Button: For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it."


Changing your behaviors is like peeling an onion. Many layers. One layer at a time.

Here is an opportunity to peel off a layer:

...I am especially struggling because I am an introvert with no social circle around me. I do not socialize or make friends easily...

So I challenge you to learn new skills and be able to be an extrovert when needed. Find books (or videos on youtube) that will help in this. It is a learned skill. Might want to start out your quest here:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

My first friend group after BD was made at starbucks. Went every day. One of the keys is to focus on the other persons story. Every person I interact with, I focus on remembering their name, and their story, what ever that may be. Most people love to talk, so all I have to do is focus on listening. The person in front of me, the person behind me, the person taking my order, the person handing my drink.

Example:

This morning, met a local "regular" at my coffee shop. Forgot his name, but he plays in a band. I am sure I will bump into him again. I will just ask his name, and try harder to remember it.


New DBer: Broken89-No kids-wife moved out-needs new attractive ways to interact with his wife.


Most of us arrive here with very similar beliefs,thought process and behaviors. Challenging those and making the 180's michelle speaks of is very important, especially early on.

Adding attractive male behaviors and stopping the unattractive is not natural. If feels wrong. Most of our behaviors are habit and subconscious.


Most of us think we should talk our way out of this. It is the opposite. STFU and listen. Be the first to leave. Always be on your purpose (your wife is a distraction). As a man, you lead. If she follows, then you are behaving the way that is attractive to her. If not, keep focusing on improving your attractive male behavior.

Fight every instinct you have to pursue her. Woman need a challenge. They want to tame the man. Most of us were way to easy to tame.


The less you interact with her right now, the more she will miss you. The less you say to her, the more she will wonder what you are thinking.

Wake up in the morning, clean yourself up, dress sharp, smell good, go out and enjoy every minute of your day. Do not think about the past or worry about the future. Be in the moment. Be on purpose.



Do not be boring.

[SteveLW]

Broken, the thing that concerns me the most is your insistence that you "have to get your wife back". That kind of insistence makes you very unattractive to her. We've had a long time saying around here: "you'll never look more attractive than when you're walking away". That doesn't mean that you can't want her back, but it means you have to control yourself and show yourself (and her by proxy) that you are going to be good, no great, no matter what happens in your marriage. Being so dependent on one person is a dangerous way to live. The reason? We live in an imperfect world. People in your life today may be gone tomorrow. Whether that's due to accident or disease, or of their own volition.

So focus on what YOU can control. And that's you. That's what divorce busting is about. Letting go and moving forward with your life. Sometimes the walkaway likes the new you and wants to come along for the ride. Sometimes not. But either way you'll be the best version of yourself that you can be!!

[broken89]

Broken, the thing that concerns me the most is your insistence that you "have to get your wife back".

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a turnaround, but I am not actively pursuing or showing desperation. I did initially for the two to three days following BD but I have since done a complete 180 to focus on myself. I have not contacted my wife since.

I'm also trying to make peace with recognizing that my W and our old relationship is gone forever, as much as it hurts to think about.

Being so dependent on one person is a dangerous way to live. The reason? We live in an imperfect world. People in your life today may be gone tomorrow. Whether that's due to accident or disease, or of their own volition.

Believe me, I am learning this the hard way.

[Ready2Change]

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a turnaround

Keeping hope and faith alive is perfectly fine. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Have faith in the process.

(Go read Rockon's thead and take notes of all the advise that has been given to him.)

Implement as many of your changes as quickly as you can. The longer you stay the same, the less chance of busting the divorce. She lost her attraction for you. Only way to gain that back is becoming more attractive to women in general.

Nothing is more unattractive than a needy man.
A woman can't love a man that she does not respect.
She needs to miss you before she will have a change of heart.
She thinks she knows you. Prove her wrong. This will take significant, permanent changes to your behavior. Every time you interact with her, she should be surprised by your new behavior. You want her to question her decision.

The less you explain yourself to her, the better. Do not answer questions. The less you say, the more she is thinking about you. This is type of stuff you need to get burned into your brain ASAP.

Be vague. Be content. Be happy. Be excited.


Do not be boring.