Hmmm wrestle with these dilemmas too. I think forge ahead.
My IC has helped me keep an open heart to have grace for W to have an invitation to engage in unity with our family. What I am understanding is that W has stepped out of bounds from family unity and has been living more of a self-centered life. But she can (and has), on occasion, stepped back in to experience and participate in unity with what our family is about.
For me, this has been letting go of setting up and orchestrating family togetherness while being open to her wanting back in and having a gracious welcome and hospitality for her to experience what our family is about.
Not sure if or how that helps,
This is a response predicated on your need to allow cake eating.
Boat and Rock - You illustrate both sides of the issue well. At this point, I would not invite W to join our daughter and my dad's family for Thanksgiving. I've been fired and it feels consistent with GAL'ing and detaching. No cake eating as Boat indicates. Let W experience the first holiday in ~20 years w/o a partner and our daughter.
That said, I feel for my daughter who I expect would like to experience at least one more Thanksgiving and Xmas as a "whole" family. That's where the "if it is good for my daughter, it is good for me" comes into play. So, if I put what's best for me personally aside, I can extend an invitation with NO expectations whatsoever.
Or, maybe it is better to rip off the band-aid and also help my daughter move to adjust to the potential future of having divorced parents.
Personally I think these experiences provide teaching moments for the children. Decisions in life have consequences. Your W has shown she no longer wants to be part of the family. Act on it and grant her that option. Slowly help your daughter adjust to the new tradition moving forward.
You have stated good reasons to approach this decision and others thoughtfully. Bring strength and conviction in following what aligns with your values.
I can relate. In my case, I have declined invites this year now W and her family. It went against my instincts but is now my norm.
The other day W texted me about these upcoming holidays. She wondered if we had already discussed (we had not). She proposed the idea of her coming over here.
I haven’t responded yet.
I need to plan the holiday season for me and my kids. My needs and well-being through the holidays while returning to work and going through what I am need to have a place of priority not to be overshadowed in flash or appearance or accommodation or unaffordable expense.
I plan to make to simple. Ask my kids what they would most value. Make special times with my extended family.
Thanks all and especially R2C. I landed in a similar place when W asked what time Thanksgiving was (at my dad's) on Thursday. I shared the time and said "You are welcome to join us. Everyone likes to see you (they have no clue what is going on and, while W is socially anxious, they balance giving W space with light attempts to engage her and be kind). I said, "I appreciate that you may already have other plans." W looked dumbstruck and didn't respond. I got up and left to shower.
Later yesterday, my daughter had a sports tourney. About a month ago, W talked about grandparents (from both sides) coming to watch. Since our daughter is new to the sport, I suggested we check with her (D13) to ensure she was comfortable with more spectators beyond us. Prior to yesterday's tourney, I asked D13 if she was OK with her grandparents coming. She said she was fine with that. I let my family know. W was upset to see my mother and said "I thought we had a "rule" about not having people come." I calmly stated that from my perspective, it was a suggestion, that I consulted with D13, and she was fine so I invited my parents. W said it was a (INSERT EXPLETIVE) move and that she would've invited her mom if she knew. I didn't further take the bait to defend anything. I felt like I'd said all that I needed to say, at least at that point in time.
I'm trying to walk back through and examine my potential contribution/misstep here. On one hand, I could've given W a heads-up that D13 was OK with family spectators. On the other hand, I continue to operate as if I've been "fired" as a husband as long as a potential divorce is hanging out there. In thinking that way, I don't feel I've done something wrong here. I think W was just mad that she didn't ask D13 if she was OK with family coming and is pinning it on me for not sharing that I had talked with D13. Phew. I'm sure I'll be told that divorce papers will be coming or something along these lines this week or as soon as we're clear of the holidays.
I did have a great time with 3 friends yesterday. One of them co-wrote and acted in a great sketch comedy show. It was hilarious. Afterward, we had a few drinks, listened to a few bands, ate tacos way too late, and called it a night. Much needed after the brief chastising from W earlier in the day.
Again, I appreciate all your input/feedback. I hope if you're following along, you're finding some helpful insight or comfort for yourselves too. Take care, ask for help/guidance, and keep working on yourself!
I'm trying to walk back through and examine my potential contribution/misstep here.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You considered your daughter and made a reasoned decision.
This is entirely because she wants to be able to control narrative about your divorce.
Don’t be a weak man and now spend days trying to analyse what you should have done to appease her. I’m all for identifying your role in the relationship breakdown and changing that, I’m not for people becoming doormats.
Hey Kind! Thanks. I hear you. It is more that, without caving in, I am thinking about how to avoid giving W ANY ammo. I agree it shouldn’t be necessary. I could have casually said something a few days ago. Ironically, last month W made a comment that maybe I could tell my mom about the tourney. I could’ve said “Hey I followed up with my mom like you suggested. She may pop in” and taken the opportunity to chastise me away or reduce that risk.
D13 asked W if she’s going to join us for Thanksgiving with my dad’s family. Unfortunately for D13 W was still in the fog of anger and said “Probably not” which, while OK with me, seems to have left D13 a bit understandably sad. I said “Well, it is a few days off and anything can happen but I am not revisiting the topic with W. I am doing well with not pursuing and managing W’s emotional reactivity. Hard habits to break.
