I don't drop in here often enough when I'm feeling clear and positive so my 180 for today is to do so. Talked with three attorneys, have a good idea of what to expect and, actually, I may end up in a better position than expected. Each L seemed genuinely caring and spent time discussing how to ensure my daughter feels as safe and secure as possible, and all of them seemed like good choices. W seems off-balance and still uncertain if she really wants to follow through. I'm just validating when I can, minimizing my presence, and giving her a very wide berth.
Thanks, DnJ. Taking some uncertainty off the board helps. I knew where thinks likely stood when I first had to DB ~5 years ago. Each meeting left me feeling better about where things will likely be if D goes forward. The hardest part for me would be not being present in the same home as my child 100% of the time. I know I can be there in other ways. As we see in other discussions here, accepting that shift in what we expected/hoped takes effort and time. Have a great day as well and thanks for being so active in this community.
Trying to string together a few positive days. Got a ton of work done outside. I love getting lost in hard labor! Mapping out things I'll need to do if W moves forward. Building out a budget, scoping out living arrangements, checking with my daughter to make sure she is doing as well as possible. Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work. I'd just like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that runs somewhat counter to thoughts DnJ previous shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me. I'd appreciate your thoughts, fellow DBers. Thanks in advance and I hope you all have a relaxing, positive day.
Yes, Kind, I really love just getting lost in the work. Heading out to do some more work, hopefully, will sneak a workout in, and then off to a funeral today. I'm still a bit stuck on the above issue:
Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work. I'd like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that somewhat contradicts the thoughts DnJ previously shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me. I'd appreciate your thoughts, fellow DBers.
Thoughts? Part of me likes continuing to let W initiate everything related to a potential D. The other part of me just wants things to progress. But, I know it is a marathon and not a sprint. Take care, all.
My condolences. I hope today goes smoothly, as you support your old collage roommate in their farewell to their Mother.
Did W decide if she is attending?
Originally Posted by MrP
thanks for being so active in this community.
You are most welcome.
Originally Posted by MrP
I'm still a bit stuck on the above issue:
Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work. I'd like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that somewhat contradicts the thoughts DnJ previously shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me. I'd appreciate your thoughts, fellow DBers.
Originally Posted by MrP
Taking some uncertainty off the board helps.
Lots of people struggle with “doing nothing is doing something”. Limbo, uncertainty, is so ingrained to be negative. Little wonder, one feels rather powerless when force into an uncertain situation, a period of neglect or oblivion.
Ah, feelings. Let them flit.
Limbo is truly not such a void, when one chooses it. Embraces it.
The results of purposefully embracing limbo and uncertainty are multi fold and surprising.
As I promote, if you need financial security or protection, get it. Elsewise, leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out of the marriage. Following the latter path one only responds to actions towards separating and/or divorce. Responds to actions, not words.
For plenty of situations this focus on responding leads to quite a time of uncertainty. Lots of time and space for a Wayward, Walk-away, crisis spouse, or any mixture thereof, to feel their choices and repercussions of their life’s path. (A good thing, btw.)
I understand the feeling of being powerless. Taking charge, making a decision, has likely been the usual solution/strategy for dealing with problems. This problem doesn’t solve that easy. I’ve come to realize that life has many problems that are best resolved/dealt with by remaining uncertain.
Interestingly, choosing uncertainty actual bring a measure of certainty. Oh it’s so counterintuitive. When you choose to live and embrace limbo and uncertainty - you did that! You craft certainty. You are not powerlessly languishing in some force upon you limbo. You chose it. You took charge. You exercised control of you.
Presently, you feel lost and powerless. You feel W has all the power and your are but a leaf blown about in “her” storm. You’re not! You have agency. You have choice. You have control over your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Pushing forward the machine of divorce would be a reaction. An emotional reaction. Instead, rationalize this. Utilize rational thoughts, and take rational actions. You control you. Employ your rational thoughts, take controlled and purposeful action, and control your reactions by taking none.
Embracing uncertainty also helps with detachment. For when you react, you are attached. So, as much as you work against it, you keep re-attaching yourself. Letting go, happens within. And that internal letting go is better reinforced with corresponding external actions. Best to take actions conducive to the goal.
So, how? What to do?
“Part of me wants to pick an attorney from the three I met so that I can tell W that, if she decides to move forward, have her attorney send the paperwork right to my attorney, rather than having a process server try to "serve" me at home or work.”
Ok. Valid.
However, why? Why do you want to tell her?
And only part of you? So there is a part that doesn’t want to?
Also, rationally, why would it matter where you get served paperwork?
Been there. And for me, it was emotional driven.
Embrace the uncertainty. Promote the uncertainty, instead of the divorce path. Choose a lawyer. Be prepared for if W decides to further things along. And that’s it. No other decision. And don’t tell her. Embrace limbo. Live in the uncertainty.
Embracing uncertainty and limbo does another amazing thing. It bring the realization that your problem is not a problem. You don’t have to find a solution. You don’t have to solve it. You can just let it be. And therefore it’s not a problem. Kind of odd how we define problems and are programmed to deal with them.
Possibilities live within uncertainty. And hope lives within the possibilities. Let hope live. Choose that. Live that.
“I'd like to avoid directly handling as much as possible. At the same time, that somewhat contradicts the thoughts DnJ previously shared about not "promoting divorce" and letting W come to me.”
I find limbo does limit your handling “as much as possible”. If you mean limit your handling to “none at all”, well that’s unrealistic.
Detachment / attachment is tricky. The more you fight - against attachment or for detachment, the more attached you get. Let go, and embrace something different. Embrace limbo. Consider, what better embodies detached (and indifferent) than limbo.
And by the way, limbo is only temporary. And only focused upon this singular facet of your life. Especially when you purposeful choose and set it up that way. All other aspects of your life, aside from your romantic life, are not in limbo. Yet another benefit in embracing.
I found limbo quelled my contractions and emotions. With no pressing need to solve, with a willingness to let the future unfold as it will, I could focus on other things. Me, the kids, parents, friends, work, birds singing, sunsets, grass, trees, housework, vacations, star gazing, trav… wait a minute.. housework?!? What the.. how did that get in the list? Really? Housework. My goodness. So many other things to choose from and I drop in housework. Sheesh!
LOL! I hope you laughed.
Live and love your life. Embrace it, above all.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
In fact, I did laugh DNJ! W hasn't said anything about attending the visitation tonite nor the funeral tomorrow. She has made 1-2 comments "What time is X" and "You're going to the funeral on Y, right" to which I've cordially responded with as few words as possible.
The main reason I'd tell W about the attorney is so that any D papers go to the lawyer vs. directly to me. It is an emotional reaction for sure. I realize I'm the one that would have to decide if it feels embarrassing. I had been thinking "So what does it matter - the effect is the same" in terms of "officially" starting the process. So, I decided against doing anything other than picking the attorney and following whatever initial guidance they provided.
You hit the nail on the head. In general, I'm the solutions person. Family, friends, W, daughter, etc. often look to me to pick the restaurant, activities to do, and products to buy - so dialing that habit down takes some effort on my part. I appreciate the reminder to do so. You're right, I need to bathe in Limbo - there are plenty of things to do. Actually, I too have long embraced housework. It keeps me focused and less physical clutter feels calming (though I look around my office and, despite the chaos, this too is calming).
Off to the visitation which, though sad, also brings old friends together so there is some joy on the way too. Thank you again, DNJ, for the gentle raps on my synapses. They are helpful and appreciated.
W asked me what I told my friends about her not being at the funeral. I noted that, with her social anxiety, they are accustomed to not regularly seeing her. Later, she noted that I have been listening to a a song about being single. I said our daughter and friends like it so it is first on a playlist of “liked” songs on my service which is the truth. She asked if had even seen any lawyers. I replied “Yes” and finished putting laundry away without further inquiries.
Both lawyers seem quite good. I am having a hard time figuring out the best one for me and will solve that tomorrow. Goodnight DB community.
Mentally, I *think* I'm doing better at shifting focus to what's best for me and my child. I read another post where someone indicated we DBers have essentially been fired as a spouse. It has been helpful for me to think of things this way. If I'm fired, then I'm not being "paid" (in love, reciprocal care, respect, etc.) to do things I previously did. I'm balancing that with "pro bono work" like remaining polite, or helpful as I might be to a stranger, co-worker, or acquaintance, but not at the level by far I was when I was "employed".
