Nice to see you enjoying the days, and your time out in nature. Here, my walks among the trees and tall grass is crunchy with all the dry leaves underfoot. Not much sneaking up on anything.
We had a bit of a wind storm a day ago which removed near most of the what was the remaining leaves from the tress. Most open areas were likewise blown clear as well. My lawn was full of grass clippings and leaves in thick windrows, now all gone. Blown across the prairie until hitting some bushes or such. The last bastion of crunchy walking is only within the now naked trees’ umbrella.
Nighttime is gorgeous. Last night was so clear, and of course it’s dark now much earlier. So, returning from driving my Mom home after movie night, I sat outside and looked upon the stars. The milky way clearly glowed. Like a painted trail across the black sky. Various planets popped, being the brightest points of light in the sky. So many stars; almost too many to pick out the constellations.
Dark nights with skeleton trees silhouetted against pale star light is all very Halloween like.
Have you made any conscious purposeful decision/choice on how and when to respond/contact W?
You have (had?) her attention (see the following quotes). She’s a bit off balance, a good thing.
Originally Posted by Rockon
“ I am at a loss how to communicate with you. If we are at the no longer communicating stage that’s okay but it would be helpful if I knew that so I would stop trying. “
Originally Posted by Rockon
W said that my email was not friendly and like something you might send to a colleague that you don’t like.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She replied, “ I can’t communicate with you this way.”
What do you want her to see? What would you like to tell her? And I mean, your demonstrated behaviours not words.
Originally Posted by Rockon
W texted me this afternoon asked if I had plans and if I wanted to meet her for a drink. I texted back. “That sounds fun yes I have plans.”
Went to a hockey game with friends.
That’s a good start.
What’s better, or more meaningful/powerful is a demonstrated action.
So, better than telling W you have plans, is to have plans. And better than having plans, is to be living those plans.
Have you considered only weekly communication with W? Set her text tone to silent, and every Wednesday (whatever day, though mid work week would likely not have many conflicting plans) read her text/emails, then respond. Texts are non-urgent and can wait for a response.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Email was unproductive for what she wanted to discuss and when it was a good time for me we ended up having a call.
I utilized email during a 33 year career. It’s was very productive for a variety of topics. Email is, at times and for some topics, less efficient than a phone call; still, it can be productive. Granted, time sensitive matters are not conducive for emailing or texting; and for those I’d initiate a phone call.
If something is urgent or important enough, W can dial a phone just as well as you. Don’t fret that you might miss something if she texts.
Look, W is actually reaching out to you. Let her pursue you. She has to. She actually needs to for her own growth. She has to feel like you are doing other things. And you are! Let her feel the loss she orchestrated.
Like I said, don’t fret. If/when W wants to attempt a reconnection, she will come back hard. Right now, she’s testing the waters. Who do you want her to see? Rock1.0 or Rock2.0?
Of course, the real underlying question is, who do you want to be? It’s your life, who are you going to be?
Have a wonderful Sunday Rock.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I did have a great Sunday. It was different and I’m going through a lot of feelings tonight as I reflect. I worked today. W took youngest kids out for lunch. S said they had a great time together and I’m happy about that. I feel left out a bit but I have great Rs with my kids and it’s so good to witness them connecting together with their mom.
I haven’t used MLC language much here on these boards concerning W but it applies. I see that W is making reconnections to our kids and to some of her friends that she had disconnected from. She has started therapy. When W brought S back here after, she saw that I was headed out and quipped, “You have a hot date?”
I just chuckled and said I’m going out. She said, “You are Mr Social.” Anyway I went out with friends for awhile didn’t make it a late one (tired from work) but enjoyed myself. I came home and had a nice evening with S.
DnJ it is a beautiful night here with a brilliant half moon on the coast. When I have some more energy I will respond to your thought provoking questions and insights.
We will need another good wind storm to loose the rest of the leaves off the trees here. The Oaks around are mostly bare, but during my walk today in the woods with S the maples were letting a handful of their golden leaves at a time float down from their great heights to settle on the stream and it’s banks.
Regarding how/when to respond to W, I am keeping it to basic necessities about kids’ and grandchild’s needs and money. I am trying to discern the utility, necessity and urgency of what needs a response and when. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell, in which I have been going with the 24-48 hr approach. I have also been employing a BIFF (a framework to guide communication with difficult people) reminder for my necessary communication with her:
B brief I informative F friendly - like with a bank teller F firm
You asked me, “What do you want her to see? What would you like to tell her? And I mean, your demonstrated behaviours not words.” I want to see in the mirror my reflected responsibility purpose and consistency, and as I live that I hope that she will experience that in my actions. I like your emphasis on my behaviors over my words and having and executing plans rather than talking about plans.
I am considering adopting weekly only communication. I have had stretches of that and it has been a really good break for me. I feel better, more stable and settled with less contact with her. For many months now I have her text tone to silence and no vibrate. I also changed all of my ring and text tones. I had been noticing a stress response in me from the old tones when she would contact me.
Now, after her return from her trip this summer, she has been engaging much more with our youngest 2 kids and also initiating more contact with me. I don’t take it to mean anything really and I am staying my course and doing somewhat better with detachment. I am being neutrally supportive of their Rs, without setting things up or facilitating any family time with W. Leaving them to arrange and follow through. W has been communicating relevant details to me - pickups and drop offs etc.
Also not long after my trip to visit D and GD, W and eldest D have reconnected. W is planning to visit them herself next week. She has shared to me that the thought of this upcoming trip is stressful and overwhelming, I hope it goes well and they are able to have healthy relationships.
And yes, as you say, “ the real underlying question is, who do I want to be? It’s my life, who am I going to be?
Yes I have resisted the full MLC narrative. W didn’t use that language but she described some of those dynamics at BD, saying she had never made a choice for herself in her life. I think what’s going on for me is better served by me following my purpose and being strong in living a healthy life and taking care of my side of the street rather than getting wrapped up in too much MLC speculation.
Rock your STBXW is not in MLC. She’s biologically wired to be attracted to a strong man who is exciting and has a purpose. Become that man and maybe she looks back. If not you will spend your days contemplating when your 48th hour is up so you can text her back.
I am focused on my priorities and facing my fears. And it is going well. It’s not easy but it is right and it’s important and there is a lot riding on me following through with my purpose.
Return to work: successful, gradual and sustained. I am limiting some of my other activities and potential good distractions (late night sports and socializing, extra volunteering, extra family stuff)
Finances: frugal efficient spending on groceries and some communal meals etc. Retirement planning, investing ongoing. Priority to keep and look after house, live within means and avoid debt.
Home: fall prep of house and yard
Family: advocacy and support for youngest kids, support and connection with eldest D and GD, positive healthy R with eldest S, great connections with extended family. Space and detachment with respect to W and her family
Legal: L to ensure fair treatment and protection of family assets and S’s needs
Health: weights, boxing, running and hiking, lots of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, vitamin supplements, preventative health care, stress management and healthy sleep habits
Relationships/social: connected and active in faith community, tight circle of friendships with respected men, socializing with circle of new friends (dance, hiking, coffee) outside of family
Attraction: looking good (wardrobe, grooming), positive realistic frame of mind, outgoing confidence, being active with what I need to focus on instead of available to W, decisive
