Overall, a good weekend. I largely kept to myself, aside from polite conversation. I took care of some major renovations at a family vacation home. Did yard work at the main home on Saturday. My daughter had a sports tournament that the three of us attended. She did very well. W hasn't brought up D in awhile, though I know that switch can flip at a moment's notice if W gets too anxious or angry about anything. I found 4 MWD podcasts and, in the first one, she has a recommended response that I love (a perspective to take when D comes up). "I understand that reflecting on your life and future is important to you right now. I'm doing the best I can to get out of the way so you can do that. I know I haven't been the perfect spouse. If there is anything else you need to tell me about how I've disappointed you in life, I'm open to hearing it." I wish MWD would've done more podcasts of her own. Have a good week!
Been a while since I last chimed in here. Had another good week and weekend. W hadn't brought up D in about a month. Stayed focused on myself: working out, making plans with friends, supporting my daughter with some school and athletic pursuits. Today W asked what my plans were for Thanksgiving. I simply replied that my daughter and I were going to "My dad's" which has historically been where we've gone as a family most years. I left it at that. Later, W, our daughter, and I were shopping and W told our daughter she should pick some things out for her room. D looked at me and I looked at her (if you've not read my posts, D knows that W is considering divorce) as if to say "Why the heck would she ask that" and then played it off by walking to the next display. D confided in me later that this was exactly what she was thinking at the time (why would mom ask me to pick out things for my room if she might want to get a divorce).
Before dinner, W asked if I picked a lawyer and I just said "Yes". W made a comment about always having to follow up to get me to do something. I didn't try to re-litigate the past - we disagree about past events. W rarely asks directly for what she wants (due to anxiety and avoidance issues).
Instead, I took an idea from a recent post from Rejoice and leaned in to ask if W might consider a FWB arrangement which caught her off-guard. She smiled, laughed, and said "Nooooo...." to which I replied "Well, I'm here if you change your mind about having some casual fun" and then left the room. I felt funny and confident again and that reflects how I'm feeling more days than not lately.
Thanks, DnJ. It feels like the initial shock of having divorce come up again is subsiding for me. While I still feel anxious, it feels more manageable and my confidence that things will ultimately be OK (no matter what) is growing. Still a long road ahead with a pothole or two likely but living in the moment and working at making one day at a time go as well as possible is working for me. As the holidays approach in the U.S. (and our wedding anniversary), I'm beginning to think through how I should best manage these events.
My plan is to treat the anniversary as a non-event (I've been fired!). I'm likely to still get W presents for Xmas so that our daughter experiences at least one more family Christmas like those of the past. As the saying goes, what is good for my kid is good for me. I'm curious to hear others' thoughts about navigating anniversaries and holidays if you're willing to share. Thanks in advance and I hope everyone is well.
My plan is to treat the anniversary as a non-event (I've been fired!).
Exactly. Nothing to celebrate here.
Originally Posted by MrP
I'm likely to still get W presents for Xmas so that our daughter experiences at least one more family Christmas like those of the past. As the saying goes, what is good for my kid is good for me.
If your D is old enough give her money to get mom something. If she is not take her out shopping to pick something up for mom.
Not much happening since last week. W has been silent about potential D. I briefly mentioned a dream job in another state that just got posted. W said..."Well, we could come visit you....and then quickly re-stated "I mean, I could put our daughter on a plane". W also complimented a few changes I made to our master bedroom on my own. I simply said "Thanks". Had a great time with some of my longer-term friends. Everyone agreed that we didn't understand why we weren't getting together more often and decided to try for a monthly get together. I'm seeing some even older friends this weekend to take in a comedy show co-written by my very first girlfriend. I also picked up a copy of The Solo Partner (from a recommendation somewhere on this board) and have started working through it. I like that it has some dedicated worksheets and activities to do Has some similarities to MWD's books. I hope all are well and keeping the faith in DBing!
Oh and a friend commented to me in a Zoom meeting about getting Thanksgiving dinner from a local restaurant. W chimed in sarcastically and under her breath "Maybe I'll have to order from there too". If you read further into my history, W has social anxiety issues and historically hasn't looked forward to doing anything with my side of the family (only hers). She explicitly said one of the reasons she was looking at D was because she "wasn't looking forward to anything" and specifically mentioned holidays, though it seemed more about x-mas Day with my mother was the focus given they've had the seemingly standard struggle Gottman talks about between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.
Can't tell if she is serious or lamenting the fact that I've not said "Come to my dad's again for Thanksgiving if you'd like". My dad's family (my parents are divorced) all like her, understand her social phobia and treat her well. Most importantly, it would make it less awkward for our daughter if W did come - otherwise, I'd not especially care since I've been fired from my H role. I'm a bit torn between "what's good for my daughter is good for me" and wanting to continue to detach from W by not having her come. What do you think, fellow DBers?
Hmmm wrestle with these dilemmas too. I think forge ahead.
My IC has helped me keep an open heart to have grace for W to have an invitation to engage in unity with our family. What I am understanding is that W has stepped out of bounds from family unity and has been living more of a self-centered life. But she can (and has), on occasion, stepped back in to experience and participate in unity with what our family is about.
For me, this has been letting go of setting up and orchestrating family togetherness while being open to her wanting back in and having a gracious welcome and hospitality for her to experience what our family is about.
I’d suggest extending an invitation for W to join you and the family for Thanksgiving at your Dad’s. Do keep your expectations at zero regarding her decision. And she may even change her mind (several times) between now and then. You’re just offering is all, with no pressure. It’s up to her if she wants to join in.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
