Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

I do have to keep reminding myself. As human, there are fleeting moments where I question myself and do get quite hard on myself wondering if there’s any truth to all his words and actions and was it that bad. It’s hard when they distort the reality and actually make us believe it. Then I remember our real reality and history and can easily see his crisis mode. This isn’t the same man, and if this “new man” is the one that is hanging around for the next 40years it certainly isn’t the one I want to grow old with that’s for sure. I always thought I would be growing old with H. Now I can see it was the old H not this new version of H. The same way we loved who they were not who they are transforming into becoming( whether it be permanent or temporary) I am open to still loving H in the future should he emerge out of this but it will depend who he is, where his values and morals lie, and he would have to be 110% all in. I refuse to ever put myself through this again by merely “settling”

[Card29]

We practically need to mourn the death of our old spouse. The happy, loving person that we fell in love with and married is gone. Maybe a new but different version of that person will show up again someday, and we'll get to meet them. Maybe not. It's one of the many losses that go along with a D like this, in addition to fractured R's with kids, loss of R with in-laws, possible loss of friend groups, etc. Lots to process. It's no wonder it takes so much time to work through it all.

[Pattnee5]

Update from my end: Detaching my life away, one day at a time

I think I am getting better at the full and total detachment now. If I don’t already have it.I seem to have locked a lot of my emotions feelings love etc away from H now. I read heartsblessings stuff a few weeks back and realised I was really starting to detach. She’s a wise woman( I don’t like all the religious stuff but there’s some amazing bits in her articles).
Those feelings of love etc are still there for H but just deeply buried now and locked away where they don’t control me and that’s where they will stay unless miraculously he finally gets through his crisis and decides he wants to return and rebuild( and that’s only if I decide I want to join him but those feelings won’t be making any sort of hasty exit that’s for sure. I’ve built up a pretty big wall around them every day )

I realised I’m just not bothered by his words or behaviour anymore. It’s almost like I just don’t care.What he does it says just doesn’t matter anymore. I am wholeheartedly putting me first and not even giving him a second thought. I realised a while ago I was done putting myself last for the best part of 10 months since BD. I don’t get scared for his reactions, or chasing him down if he’s had a moment of anger or meltdown trying worry about fixing it because he got upset. I see now how silly I was, he always made me feel like I was at fault and I was forever chasing him down to apologise when he would have his MLC meltdown. What for? Goodness me I was silly.My mum absolutely ripped into him recently and I was present and I just didn’t even say anything just sat there and listened and watch him unravel( not surprisingly he would throw the blame on me at every opportunity when he was attacked) but I just let her go to town with her words to him. She is extremely furious and hurt about his abandoning the kids.

I don’t know yet if I am fully 100% detached but I’m doing pretty good. Example to follow below from my weekend update-

So my absolutely favourite Aussie rules team won the premiership on Saturday. It’s a big national sport here and our whole state literally goes into a shutdown mode. We all catch up and watch it with friends in bars at houses etc. it’s been many years between premierships so this was a huge deal. I’ve been doing “grand final day” with the same group of highschool friends and partners for 22 years now. H used to be a part of it too and had been involved for a good part of 20 years until he decided to mess his whole world up. This year they decided a pub for lunch and to watch the game. D was watching it with my family at my brothers and S doesn’t really care so H offered to be with him and have a boys day. From the moment I left the house I just switched H out of my mind. He sent a few messages throughout the day which I didn’t even respond to, one being a comment about the halftime show, then followed up with a picture of S who had cooked something. Honestly I was just too immersed in the game to even want to respond even though I saw the messages, I had better things to do.
Post game as the day wore on H sent another message “what time will you be home”. Mind you he was at our house with S so when I got home he would leave( yes he’s still living in squalor where the kids can’t stay with him) I just responded if he needed to leave to organise someone to sit with S until I returned. He then sent some more ramblings about taking my time and have a good time et.
When I finally returned home he was acting very very weird, strange, avoidant and packing up in a hurry to leave no eye contact just strange but at least not angry or verbal. He had def been drinking and their boys day involved basically him sitting and gaming for 90% of the day as I found out from S. the other 10% was cooking food. Who cares not my problem. He didn’t say anything and just stormed out angrily.
I did find a whole bottle of Vodka accidentally in the bin as I was looking for something D had lost. Certainly wasn’t there earlier in the day. It was buried in a bag but because I had to find a receipt for something D purchased I stumbled across it.He had consumed a full 700ml. I just shrugged it off and didn’t really care. Sunday I got up early and took the kids out for the day. H started messaging after lunch asking where we were etc and if he could come around later.
I just responded “ as long as you’re not weird like last night”
Later in the day when he came around he apologised ( I don’t know why because I honestly didn’t even ask for it or need one or even care) and he said he had one beer and one glass of vodka( yes pull the other leg haha I know the truth, and now he’s gotten to lying about what he is consuming I guess out of shame) and he said because I didn’t respond he got a bit of a stressed feeling and didn’t sit right hence his weirdness.
This is just getting way too strange now. I didn’t say anything I just nodded. I probably should have validated but honestly I just didn’t care I didn’t care bout his drinking ( it’s his own health he’s destroying) and I didn’t even care about his weirdness.

What I did care about was how darn good it felt to ignore him and “mute “
Him so I can enjoy my day and for him to have a little internal hissy fit. Seems he doesn’t like it when I’m not available 24/7.

Anyway small win I know but I am really liking this detaching feeling. Some days I just think “ I can’t wait until you just move overseas so I don’t have to see or deal with you” I think that’s when I will really start to fully heal.
He still hasn’t told the kids about his move. He always makes up an excuse as to why he can’t tell them. Every day is something new. I refuse to do it for him it’s not my place to do his hard work. He’s literally being a child now. This is a very unattractive quality. He isn’t seeing how much he is losing his shine and appeal to me with every action and every day. I’m keeping that previous love absolutely locked away. I don’t even think about him anymore like I used to. I think of him from time to time and I know I still have love for him but he’s not the be all and end all. He’s going for all I am concerned about he has checked out and fired me. And I know now finally it’s not about me his leaving this marriage despite his blame, it’s all on him, it’s all his own issues and insecurities within himself. I did my part I was 100% all in and he wasn’t. I put him first for so so long and he didn’t want a bar of it, and still wouldn’t even give me 5%.Or more correctly he couldn’t. He doesn’t know how to( despite him now trying to be around all the time, doing errands and chores and even walking the darn dog who he hates and never wanted to even walk her once now all of a sudden he’s capable, plus the weirdness when I don’t message back despite the fact he went on two work trips this year and was completely silent on me very early in the piece and more recently a few months ago. I would message and wait and wait and go nuts waiting. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t like his own medicine. I doubt his mushy MlC brain can comprehend that though and connect those dots)
These MLC people are just darn weird.

So I feel like I’m still winning here. Daily getting stronger, daily getting better within myself, daily loving who I am becoming and loving myself again as I make myself whole.

It’s my bday on Saturday. A small dinner with 3 friends has turned into a massive dinner and night out with over 18 friends. People have just absolutely rallied around me and honestly that just fills my heart so so much. I am getting my parents to look after the kids ( so I don’t have to see him when I get home to swap over but more mainly so I don’t have a repeat of H messaging me asking when I’ll be home and having to have a curfew so he can leave and sleep🙄the silly old man).I am not even telling him about it where I’m going and may just not even see him the whole day. Leading up to my birthday I just keep thinking about how much hurt and pain and how he has absolutely destroyed me this year with his hurtful harmful cruel words and basically how it’s been the worst year of my life and the only reason I am thinking of that hurt and all of that now is to channel that energy and remind myself that I am not letting that selfish man ruin a day that is 100% all for me.
I’m looking forward to surrounding myself with amazing people who love me unconditionally, I’m getting my hair done, have a sexy new outfit planned, will hit the dance floor, drink, flirt and just have an amazing night all around.

[Card29]

I'm looking forward to seeing your progress after your H leaves. You have made a ton, and that's with him in and out of your daily life. It's a shame he is abandoning his kids, and maybe it's the rock bottom he needs. But I am confident it's going to be a great thing for you. The alcohol abuse, and especially lying about it, is yet another red flag. There is no repairing a R with someone who is abusing a substance.

Hopefully he never crosses your mind on your bday. Good job planning it so you don't have to cross paths. If he isn't going to have your kids that day, you may even consider blocking his number for 24 hours, just so you don't see any texts or missed calls. If there's an emergency, you'll hear about it from your mom.

And congrats on the win! It must have been an epic day. Our local football team has their biggest home game in years this Saturday. I'm planning a tailgate with friends (grilling, games, drinks in the parking lot) for before the game. I'm curious, are you familiar with the phrase "tailgating"?

[Sunflyer]

Every time I read these updates, I picture this man in my head as this grumpy, sullen guy who walks around staring at his shoes, lost in his own anger and occasionally paying attention when something wakes him up. Probably not reality but that's the way I see him.

Happy early Birthday, Pattnee! Mine's coming up in two weeks. I need to think of something to do for me also, that won't involve W.

[Pattnee5]

Every time I read these updates, I picture this man in my head as this grumpy, sullen guy who walks around staring at his shoes, lost in his own anger and occasionally paying attention when something wakes him up. Probably not reality but that's the way I see him.
.

HaHa no not quite Sun. Generally he walks around and functions as normal, puts on the mask and acts all normal. Everything is however a “chore”. He has no joy or life in him. It’s like he has to tick off boxes of things he needs to do. Living with him foe 20 years I can clearly see him, his pain, his torment. My family day he looks like rubbish, looking older, greyer and just can see the misery in his eyes. He doesn’t smile much or laugh much everything is an effort. Ok so maybe you are seeing him correctly. Hahaha he is just going through motions. Definitely miserable and angry, and pushes the anger down so you can see it bubbling away. Add alcohol and personality changes again.
I was trying to think back when I last experienced the H I once loved. It’s been a very long time. Over 18 months. I have lost all hope that anything will wake him up now. He’s gone for good I think. I still haven’t fully buried my hope but it does die along the way. It’s so very sad I felt I could stand forever for him, be his lighthouse forever. But I don’t think he’s a man who’s capable of getting myself through this and he will be one of those miserable souls stuck.

[Pattnee5]

I'm looking forward to seeing your progress after your H leaves. You have made a ton, and that's with him in and out of your daily life. It's a shame he is abandoning his kids, and maybe it's the rock bottom he needs. But I am confident it's going to be a great thing for you. The alcohol abuse, and especially lying about it, is yet another red flag. There is no repairing a R with someone who is abusing a substance.

Thanks Card. I hope it will really be my time to shine when he is gone, and I can start to heal my heart whole. I still feel some days I’m “faking it to make it” but who knows really. It’s still a roller coaster of emotions but it’s my own roller coaster now at least. I’m no longer on his crazy ride. For now i just feel emotionally numb. I do miss intimacy, I miss being held at night or holding hands or just having someone to enjoy a movie and a cuddle, or being passionately kissed.It would be nice to feel those feeling again one day. I’m not ready for a rebound yet, although everyone keeps telling me I need one asap, and I already have people trying to set me up.

He’s tying up his plans at the moment with his company and mentioned tonight he will get $30k a year more and almost got so excited about it. I just rolled my eyes. Like it was anything to celebrate about. Anyone could have offered me millions of dollars and I never would have chosen money over my H and fighting for our marriage and love and family.No money in the world was worth more than him to me ( or the old him) Great to see for a measly $30k a year he is prepared to choose money above all else. I don’t recognise this money hungry man but I think his family have got alot to do with the background noise here and him trying to compete. I might Throw in a snarky comment about what our life was worth before he goes. No holding back these days I just don’t care, I bit my tongue for so long and I am sure I’ll unleash before he goes. He can hear all the home truths that hurt. I don’t think he will hit rock bottom for even admit anything to be honest. He’s going to bury his head in the sand and just bury himself in work.

The substance abuse is not fun. He has an “addictive” personality or so he keeps self diagnosing. I’m positive eventually it leads to worse things. A life with a recluse who cycles between working, gaming and drinking really is not a life for me. The MLC alien ain’t giving him back anytime soon. I can see him still in this cycle years from now. It’s so very sad.

As for me well like everyone it’s going to be a long road to healing and being whole again❤️‍🩹.No doubt I’ll find my peace one day.

[MrP]

Not experiencing the comfort of simple intimacy just [censored]! After a hard day, or even a good one, being able to hold a hand, drop your head on a shoulder, or just put a hand on one another once in bead for the night can leave you feeling quite lonely. I hope you're able to self-soothe other ways for now. I know getting my medication dosage right helped a TON with similar feelings. I still miss these forms of connection but don't dwell on it as long as I used to.

I also appreciate how cathartic it might be to throw out a snarky or comment or two. I've nearly bit through my tongue at times when I'm being criticized, disrespected, or blamed for something that wasn't my responsibility. Often I'll ask myself what my ultimate intent is or what positive outcome I expect saying something or responding will lead. Often my intent is to be vengeful, one-up my partner, or get defensive in ways that no longer matter for us/me. Only you can decide if unleashing your comments is worth whatever they'll achieve - maybe in your case it is worth it. Either way, I was happy to see your confidence in achieving peace one day. Keep putting in the effort and you surely will.

[Kind18]

I used to think Pattnee was a diligent, mature, balanced and beautiful person who was kicking life’s butt and setting an example to us all on how to DB successfully.

Then I found out she’s a Collingwood supporter 🤦‍♂️

No wonder your husband is leaving 😜

[Pattnee5]

I used to think Pattnee was a diligent, mature, balanced and beautiful person who was kicking life’s butt and setting an example to us all on how to DB successfully.

Then I found out she’s a Collingwood supporter 🤦‍♂️

No wonder your husband is leaving 😜

Hahahaha.not your stereotypical one that’s for sure. I have teeth. All of them. Haha family footsteps unfortunately.