Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card, unfortunately he can’t contain his emotions, at all. They are all bubbling away under the surface and they come out in the most bizarre way. I guess this happens with years of bottling everything up when once upon a time you used to talk about feelings. The MLC man in front of me is a really sad,broken man and I do hope he hits that bottom to start working through his crisis purely for his own sake because this isn’t him.
I know I’ll be ok, more than ok. I already am. I just think how far I have come since BD and how much I am getting stronger within myself( as H sinks more and more as a broken person).
Db was the best thing to ever happen to me and this forum. I would never be where I am today. The hurt is still there, the words still sting but just nowhere near as much. As a woman I have heard some really horrible things said to me in the last 9
Months. I know we are told to believe nothing they say, they are just trying to tear you down too because they feel so incredibly low. It still does sit with you to hear those words.

I think H is making the worst mistake of his life with this move but it’s his mistake to make. He has made his bed he now has to lie in it. To relocate abroad in itself is a mental toll even in the best headspace. The worst part is he is leaving one “work from home” role to go there and also “work from home”. There is no office, there is no meeting people and reintegrating into society or the world. But it is what it is.
My emotions the last two days have calmed down. That sense of “ I am not enough or worth the fight” have subsided now. I have been surrounding myself with amazing people who have just really picked me up. Now, no matter what is thrown at me I know I can get through anything.

[Love4Him]

Good job, P., you got this!

He is not really going to work that job, he's going to get far, far away because he convinced himself that it would solve all his problems and he will find true happiness.

What a clueless fool he is! He is in for a rude awakening. There is that saying...

Wherever YOU go, there YOU are!

Hopefully this will be a step towards realizing what he is losing.

[Card29]

Db was the best thing to ever happen to me and this forum. I would never be where I am today.

Over the last few years, I've though about finding DB during my first D. I was searching for essentially the opposite of DB, and I found those resources first. I wanted to figure out how to fix it, to correct the problems. It was pursuit of the highest order. And it kept me emotionally tied and dragged for months. Worst 3 months of my life, and it's not close. I wonder what I would have done without finding DB. Would I have figured it out on my own to some degree? Maybe/probably. Who knows how long that would have taken.

And I am even more thankful now to have it. A second BD from a second W. I was logged on to DB within 10 minutes of DB. My recovery is months ahead of D#1. Just further proof how valuable this practice is.

So, I agree wholeheartedly. Thank God for DB, this forum and the vets and LBS's that create this community.

Someone on one of your earlier threads told you, "Someday you'll look back at this time as your finest hour." That was one of the first things I read when I came back to DB a few weeks ago. It reminded me that that's exactly how I felt about my first DB experience. Over the last 9 years, I have looked back on the entire thing so fondly, even the painful months. Keep it up and you'll feel the same.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks L4H I know all too well he is running because to deal with his issues and takes an enormous amount of work and that’s all in the “too hard basket”. It’s just sad to see someone who would have faced this in the past, have the mental capacity of a gnat( as DnJ always says) and think that running is so logical and the way to fix it. The worst part is how he keeps justifying it to himself and thinks the kids will be fine etc without him and how he promises to Skype them everyday. As if that is going to happen and be the same. I really do wonder who kicked the switch off in their logical brain to make them like this. Is it male hormones is it something in the water, it seems everyone around me right now at the same age 48-50 is just up and leaving their spouses and running for the hills.

My mother ripped into him yesterday about the whole situation and was so angry with him. I didn’t say a word ( it’s her right to, as she now has to step in and help a lot more with the kids )
He just sat there and kept justifying “great professional opportunity” and “so much money for the future” blah blah. Then when he felt attacked would throw blame on me over and over. I realised sitting there just not retaliating that I almost felt like I had a massive armour up and I almost don’t even hear the words of verbal bashing anymore. Or even care. In the past I would have retaliated back and defended myself so much. Maybe it’s a 180 maybe I don’t want to waste my energy and time I don’t know. He still tries to talk to me all friendly and “vent “ about work, running around like a madman now doing lots of errands for the house and the kids and me. Maybe it’s guilt setting in maybe it’s not I don’t know. I just listen and don’t really say much I feel kind of “whatever” him now. He’s in for a rude shock when he’s on his own overseas and doesn’t have that person to banter with and chat too about random daily things. I couldn’t think of anything more lonely in the world.

Anyway just my rambling.
Card Thankyou. I do hope I look back at this as my finest hour who knows. The personal growth in me is enormous. If I compare myself to 6-9 months ago I couldn’t even tell you what a difference it is. Even just becoming a more in tune person within myself. He really is walking out on something truly amazing.

It’s my 42 bday in two weeks. I am going to gather a tonne of friends and go out for a fun night.
I’m also getting my tattoo around the x I already had a few others from many years ago but this one is going to be for me and the kids and our new beginning
Every day really does get better

[Pattnee5]

I must say the last week I have struggled mentally a bit with STBXH recent comment last week
“ I can’t see myself coming back and sleeping with you every again I look at your body and resent you and resent it”
At the time I was kinda shocked. I think as the week has gone on it’s hit me harder and harder and how demoralised I feel as a female right now, as a woman. The man who once loved my body so much and would always compliment it now turns it around with one of the most cruel comments you can ever say. I wouldn’t even say it to my worst enemy. What a horrible thing for a man to say
Anyway it’s really shattered me and my confidence as the week has gone on even though I know in myself it’s not true.
I need to try and figure out how to work through that emotional comment. Everyone is just saying how mean and cruel it is, he’s trying to tear me down to make himself feel better. I wish I could get angry and absolutely unleash but can’t.
Anyway I have a few nights out with friends coming up, maybe I need to remember what it’s like to flirt again with other men and help boost that self esteem he has sucked out of me

[Rockon]

I am sorry H said that. It is unkind, unloving and disrespectful. And I hear how hurtful it is.

[Card29]

I do hope I look back at this as my finest hour who knows.

Keep yourself on this path and it's the one guarantee I can give you about your situation.

Side note, I don't know what kind of music you're into or if you like concerts. One of the best bands I've seen live is making an Australia tour this December. The War on Drugs. Just a heads up. Their music hits all of the feels for me. "Thinking of a Place" is my go-to song if I want to use music to wind myself down. I've been listening to them a lot lately and realized I hadn't seen them in 2-3 years. Checked out upcoming tour dates and AU/NZ is about the only thing they have on the books for now

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I really do wonder who kicked the switch off in their logical brain to make them like this.

Well, they did. Granted, long ago they were set along this path.

Past trauma(s) from an authority figure caused hurts that got buried and remained unresolved for decades. Around midlife, events and situations occur which their immature emotional coping and capacity still cannot resolve. Old feelings, new feelings, all start swirling around within them. That emotional rising tide engulfs, drowns, and consumes them. And they run.

It’s not they like it, they are driven. They detest themselves and their life. Yet cannot accept nor look inward. Such is the magnitude of their torment, it is barely imaginable to us. With that, they blame and project upon those they love. Spouse, kids, family, pets, whatever and whomever gets in their way get mowed down.

Their crafted narrative flys counter to reality and life’s ample feedback. Yet they do not, and cannot, yield to or see such truth. They must, absolutely must, adhere to their narrative. And sadly, they even believe it.

In time, some will walk their path and find their way. Though glacially slow is their progress.

I must say the last week I have struggled mentally a bit with STBXH recent comment last week

Big Red Stop Sign!

Reset your thinking and influencing upon yourself.

Believe nothing they say… Remember? H hates his life. Hates himself. And will project and lash out his inner hatred towards you and the world, or whatever gets in his way.

My XW’s words and behaviours had a demoralizing affect on me too. In my case, she was totally indifferent towards me. OM was her new love. She tossed aside me and the kids and her life, and ran to him. Not even so much as tossed aside, not even that much effort, she just left. Sure, walking away from a marriage is one thing. Walking away from her own children was on a whole other level.

A crisis is a horrible existence. Six years for my XW. Six years! And she is merely existing. From the views I get, her life is not all gold and rainbows. One can polish a turd until it shines, yet it is still a turd. She has missed out on graduations, convocations, Christmases, Birthdays, and so many family times and love.

I saw XW a few days ago. My best friend was out for a visit and he and I went grocery shopping. On our way to the store we saw a car parked next to the closed town office. Thought nothing of it. Got our supplies for our feast and headed back home. My usual going around the block route was busy - a rarity for my wee town - so I went around the other way. We got home, unpacked, and realized we had forgot the beans.

So, we headed back to town. On route, saw the same car, still parked by the closed building. Got our two cans of beans and headed back home. This time my usual route was clear, which takes me by the town office. Turning the corner by the office and it was XW’s car with her scrolling on her phone. She was siphoning free wifi from the closed office. At this point, I’ve seen her parked there for twenty minutes. No idea how long before she started or how long after she remained. BF’s immediate comment was how her behaviour just screams desperation.

According to the kids and XW’s own account, OM is not one for technology or the internet or things like that. In fact, he doesn’t even utilize contacts on his iPhone, he types in the number. Never mind surfing. He did have an old computer when she moved in, though not much else. Do they have internet? Wifi at home? I do suspect so. So why surf parked elsewhere than your comfy couch?

Over the years, I’ve stumbled upon XW utilizing wifi at different closed establishments. Sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes late at night. She’s not alone in that behaviour, as there are a few other folks who prop themselves against a building while doom scrolling their time away.

I need to try and figure out how to work through that emotional comment. Everyone is just saying how mean and cruel it is, he’s trying to tear me down to make himself feel better.

Yep. H will attack you to make himself feel better. As misguided as that is. And as short sided and ultimately failing as that is.

And yes, cruel and mean. And projection. His inner torment projected upon you. Know, his path and demons has little to nothing to do with you.

Do work through your emotions regarding this. Not try, do. And it’s not working through the comment, it’s working through why it triggers such emotions within you.

H knows you, knows what buttons to press, and knows how to hurt you. All perfectly normal by the way. We are full of self doubts with bomb drop and them running away from us. Although, in time you’ll realize they are trying to run from themselves.

My XW didn’t run half way across the globe, she merely went 1/2 mile south to my neighbour’s house. Distance matters not, we are still a world apart.

Anyway it’s really shattered me and my confidence as the week has gone on even though I know in myself it’s not true.

It takes time to transmute such poisonous words. Much like my W did, your H has that old access to your inner self. Years of living and loving together, you trust and believe him. And therefore accept as truth what he says. You need to find that you now: once trusted and believed him. Past tense, no longer present tense. And that takes some time; goes along with sorting out our deeply held convictions (sans spouse).

Realize, H is not powerful enough to shatter you. Although he can trigger it.

My life was built with W. Her betrayal exploded the very foundation of our life. It takes time to gather the pieces, look them over, and decide which to keep and which to discard. It’s surprising that the spouse size hole in our life is more illusionary than first appears. Such is grief. Such is the fleeting nature of feelings.

One’s discovers their foundation is more solid than they realize. We repair. Kintsugi. A cherished vessel whose pieces are bonded with gold. Version 2.0 is beautiful and elegant and more refined.

I wish I could get angry and absolutely unleash but can’t.

It is unlikely anything positive would come from unleashing upon H.

An incredible strength and fortitude is awaking within you. Temper it with compassion, understanding, empathy, and forgiveness. Become, gild the repairs in gold, walk in the light, and shine.

D

[Pattnee5]

Hi DnJ and Card. Thanks for the comments and words of wisdom/encouragement. Card, I always have some sort of music on these days, driving to work, cleaning the house. I never used to like running but a few years ago started running and did a half marathon and realised how much the music helped pull you through. Unfortunately a lot of the time the choice in music my D14 is in control and right now she’s obsessed with Taylor swift and gearing up for her summer concert.
A few high school friends and I are reliving our high school days and seeing MAychbox 20, and Live too who are also touring this summer. It’s like all these bands have come back out of the woodwork. My music taste is all over the shop these days as an adult.music is good for the soul that’s for sure.

Big Red Stop Sign!

Reset your thinking and influencing upon yourself.

Believe nothing they say… Remember? H hates his life. Hates himself. And will project and lash out his inner hatred towards you and the world, or whatever gets in his way.

Yep. H will attack you to make himself feel better. As misguided as that is. And as short sided and ultimately failing as that is.

I forgot about the stop sign. I used to use it all the time when I felt mountains of tears. I think because this hasn’t made me cry really ( just upset me and internally made me angry) I forgot to use it.Deep down I know not to believe it, I know it’s not even true and you are so very right when you say they attack me to prop himself up. It’s like they are drowning and trying to pull me down further with them. I actually saw another example of that earlier this week where my parents sat down to discuss how the logistics of his “ move” will impact them. My mother was firm and professional with H but threw in some home truths to his face which he obviously didn’t like. He then progressed to shift all the blame to me with nasty comments about me, making out I did nothing as a mother while did everything etc ( oh yes, here comes MR MAry POppins again, all the while I just sat there and listened and didn’t really say anything at all in regard to any parts of the whole conversation. I was just done mentally and saw no point). Later on in the day he must have realised and apologised via text. His words were something along the lines of being sorry for lashing out reactively when he felt he was being attacked. So there lies the proof you are absolutely correct in saying they attack to make themselves feel better.

H knows you, knows what buttons to press, and knows how to hurt you. All perfectly normal by the way. We are full of self doubts with bomb drop and them running away from us. Although, in time you’ll realize they are trying to run from themselves.


It takes time to transmute such poisonous words. Much like my W did, your H has that old access to your inner self. Years of living and loving together, you trust and believe him. And therefore accept as truth what he says. You need to find that you now: once trusted and believed him. Past tense, no longer present tense. And that takes some time; goes along with sorting out our deeply held convictions (sans spouse).

Realize, H is not powerful enough to shatter you. Although he can trigger it.

I didn’t think of it like this but wow you are so right. H does know me, my weaknesses and strengths, better than anyone and you are so right we end up trusting and believing everything. Even now obviously with some comments.
As much as everything he says is water off a ducks back, as I know there is no truth, I think theres still that underlying trust and belief in him, that the real H still exists in some parts of his soul and while everyone else has written him off and tossed him to the kerb, I still hadn’t given up on him. I know that comment is just an attack. H has always been jealous, jealous of me jealous of others. Always comparing, always reminiscing to a time where he looked good in his youth, always saying I’m getting too skinny etc. he has some serious self esteem and body issues going on.

I think I just need to remember that old access to my inner self that H has, that trust and belief in his words and actions, died when the person he was died. I think I am still very much mourning the loss of who he was.I still love him deeply but that version of him, the version that I knew for 20 years, not this new toxic version. I know he is long gone for now. Very much like your XW DNJ, which by the way is such a sad story and I am so very sorry. I’m sure that made you feel sorry for her. They truly do become lost souls. I do pray H can find his way through his crisis and pull through to be somewhat of the version of the man he was ( first and foremost for himself because this is horrible ti see him like this, and secondly for the kids). But I don’t hold out much hope for him, he has always swept things aside and seems to be content with merely “existing” in life.

It is unlikely anything positive would come from unleashing upon H.

An incredible strength and fortitude is awaking within you. Temper it with compassion, understanding, empathy, and forgiveness. Become, gild the repairs in gold, walk in the light, and shine.

D

Thanks D, I think that’s why I don’t unleash, I just think “what’s the point” he’s not listening, he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say, and it’s like fighting against a brick wall.
I’ll keep moving forward one step at a time. I do feel I’ve come a really long way already, and really can’t wait to see the back end of 2023 as it’s been the worst year of my life. I already know once H leaves the country these encounters and words will go with him, and that is my time to really step up and let myself be the woman I want to be, independent from him. Right now I am miles ahead of H in terms of confidence, self belief, balance, maturity. He is wallowing in a very deep hole of self hate, doubt, guilt, low self esteem . He oozes misery, you can see it all over his face. A few friends that haven’t seen him for a while and recently did, said he looks terrible. Women who once thought he was attractive saying he looks vacant, negative, detached from the joys of life and the world, pained. Our moods and emotions really to dictate and project who we are in this world. I’ve always been glass half full, he’s always been half empty. Yin and Yan but he used to be stronger in himself to allow my positivity and drive inspire him. Now, that glass is so empty it’s gone dry and it’s all over his face, his mannerisms his demeanour. It really is sad.

Regardless I am getting my emotions together now D. Thanks for those words of encouragement. Some home truths there I didn’t know or see how you are so right that H knows my inner workings and triggers.it’s time for me to build a wall against him. I’ll continue to put myself back together and grow, right in front of the person who broke me

[Kind18]

Are you exercising Pattnee? List the exercise you have you done in the last two weeks.