Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Are you exercising Pattnee? List the exercise you have you done in the last two weeks.

Yeah I go to the group gym I like about 2-3 times a week ( although it’s hard with work and kids.) I used to go at 5am before H left so I could squeeze it in before work but now I’m limited to my days off ( 2 days) and then sometimes a day on weekends. I also walk the dog almost daily sometimes for up to an hour. It’s my “go -to” when I find my emotions taking over and really helps.
Thanks for checking In Kind. I am thinking of starting running again over summer( I loved that I managed a half marathon in 2021, so it would be good to build that back up

[Pattnee5]

I keep telling STBXH he needs to tell the kids about his “move”. He keeps procrastinating. Supposedly leaving in November but keeps saying “visa not finalised yet blah blah”
I have been very firm this week that it needs to be done asap so they have time to process and I need to be in front to make sure he doesn’t throw me under the bus making our it’s a mutual decision. I am solely there to support the kids. He’s such an idiot he’s accepted this company transfer without even confirming the salary 🤦🏼‍♀️

Anyway I am finding myself more and more detaching. My little bout of emotions last week over the hurtful words are long gone. I had a good chat to a family friend who really helped me, along with some very true words on here. I certainly don’t believe the “resent your body” comments anymore , it’s pure jealousy and very low self esteem.

I’ve had a great few days/weekend. I’m spending a lot of the time removing myself from XH when he’s around the house seeing the kids( I usually go out)
D had a massive weekend of professional sport watching the LA kings ice hockey in town, plus a massive prelim final watching our favourite Aussie rules football team make the grand final. This week there’s a huge amount of adrenaline and buzz about.

I was originally going to just stay home with my family and watch the game but my high school friends are going to a pub to watch it. I haven’t seen them since the split so I was a bit hesitant to go but this weekend decided I needed to be around fun people in a fun environment and these guys are certainly going to fill my heart with love and fun.

I am finally finding ME again. Not mum me, or wife me, but ME. It’s really actually quite amazing to realise how much of yourself you lost due to someone in your life who really was a reclusive angry mood killer. I am loving my weekends so much more just doing ME stuff.

I saw a good line in a book I just finished reading( just a fiction book not any self help or anything)

“ if you only shine the light on all your flaws, all your perfects will dim”
It really made me think and see that is what XH did. That, and the biggest relationship killer of all “avoidance”

I’ve booked my tattoo in for the end of October. My new beginning begins. Finalising legalities soon and have started decluttering some stuff over the weekend. My bday is coming up in just over a week too and the weather is warming up. Here’s hoping our football wins the grand final on the weekend and it will make my absolute year

I hope you are all having a Great week too

[Rockon]

You had me at LA Kings! But so much positive forward momentum. Great quote and way to find You!

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, I've had a rough few days and came here to see your thread because of your positivity. I can feel it from your updates, and it's great to read. Thank you for sharing. I hope your team wins! My favorite American football team is also having a great season. In my first D, I completely lost interest in sports that year. This time around, sports have been a great support for me. I took S1 to his first football game on Saturday, although we only made it through about 1/2 of the game.

[Pattnee5]

Aw thanks Card. Most of the time I’m very positive.Always have been always will be. Glass is always half full for me. I still have bouts of “girly hormones taking control of my brain like little gremilins” but I have gotten really good and controlling that now. Surround yourself with happiness and making memories and your life will always be full, so will your heart. I look through my phone or old photo albums and see all these amazing run memories I created for the kids for my family. It fills my heart. XH was there too and looked happy. I created those. Not him. I made the effort planned the holidays made the memories. He was a beneficiary. I bet he can scroll his phone for the last 9 months since BD and find zero memories. It’s probably all memes he exchanges with his mates.
Life is about living it to the fullest and having a full heart. Right now my family, my kids and my amazing friends who have supported me immensely fill my heart with so much love. It took me a while but I realised I don’t need XH to heal my wounded heart. He can’t even deal with his own issues let alone help me. I’ve done a pretty good job with my family and kids to mend my own heart now. It’s sad that my XH lost sight of that bigger picture in the last year, and became so money hungry, self absorbed and chasing the “big promotion” to compete with his siblings. His spiral into McL land has seen him become this man that many admired as a person, to spiralling into this angry bitter man that people now look at and have lost all respect for. And he’s so oblivious to it. He used to care so much about his image and what people thought of him.
For the first time i had a moment the other day worth mentioning on the weekend. I had been out for the morning, worn nice clothes felt good looked good even got w few smiles from some men, and see XH briefly, in his sweats, same top same pants as always, had his beer buzz, his hair looked rubbish, and for the first time ever I actually thought “ wow you have lost your attractiveness “. The misery the mlc turmoil the suspected depression, has taken the shine off him. Now all I see is this man who is so full of hurtful comments and actions towards me and has caused me so much pain and he’s losing his appeal.

I come from a European background where family is life. Everything else is secondary. My family embraced XH like a son. He’s gonna feel pretty darn lonely one day when he’s old and sitting in his Scrooge MCDuck moneybin with nobody around. He still tried to tell me about his work day or things that are happening in his life. Sometimes I just don’t even know how to “validate “ or respond. I just keep thinking “ you fired me so stop trying to re-hire me”

You’re going to be ok Card! You have two beautiful children, and as their dad you can inspire them and give them amazing memories that they will forever hold on to. They will be the ones to mend your wounded heart(not your wife she doesn’t have the capability now.) Surround yourself with great friends, join some clubs make new ones, test your comfort zone. Get a tattoo, skydive, try hiking, snowboarding, go find the biggest roller coaster in an amusement park ( I remember six flags in America was always epic) and get on it and get that adrenaline going. Life is going to be ok. Even if our spouses have decided to go off on their crazy roller coasters and act like rebellious teens, they are just doing it in a depressive guilty and self destructive way . Their actions don’t reflect on us or on our kids it’s all on them. They made their bed now they need to sleep in it.

One piece of advice
Remember the only thing we take with us when we leave this world is the things we have packed in our hearts.

I’m still going to the gym 2-3 times a week, a girl at work wants to learn to run so I’m going to help her and do some running in our lunch break. The weather is warming up here. I turn 42 in a little over a week as far as I’m concerned I haven’t even hit halfway in my life yet. My H has decided he doesn’t want to be on my ride anymore so that’s his loss.

[Card29]

Thanks for the encouragement, Pattnee.

It took me a while but I realised I don’t need XH to heal my wounded heart. He can’t even deal with his own issues let alone help me.

This is a sad but profound realization to make, I'm sure. I remember getting there with D#1. I got over her, then her R with OM ended, then she was a sad mess trying to get back with me. It was extremely unattractive. It was like DB coming full circle. She probably needed DB to try to win me back, but instead she went sad pursuit mode and I stayed away. I'm very sorry your H is so lost. I hope he finds his way, but it's great to read about the path you're on.

I come from a European background where family is life. Everything else is secondary. My family embraced XH like a son. He’s gonna feel pretty darn lonely one day when he’s old and sitting in his Scrooge MCDuck moneybin with nobody around.

Sounds like he's completely lost touch with what matters. Money is a great thing in that when you have enough of it, there is an entire base level of survival and struggle you don't necessarily have to worry about. But for me, the point is not to have money just to have money. It's to free my time and energy to spend on the people I love, namely family and close friends. My W came from the closest family I've ever witnessed. A big group of Italians and love each other to death. There are issues like any other family, but absolutely none of them have just thrown away their family without a great reason, until W. So they are all flabbergasted. But her mom's side is where the issues arise, I'm learning. They sweep problems under the rug. They don't talk about real issues. They pretend everything is okay. Until it's no longer okay. W was by far the closest to her mom (oldest sibling, essentially cared for her mom and siblings when her mom was drunk, as young as 10 years old).

But in the end, what can I do that's different than what you're doing? Nothing. I need to keep working on my healing, rebuilding friendships I've let deteriorate, and bring the love and energy for the kids. Your H and my W need to fix themselves. Lately, I've been watching some of the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly. Not sure if you've ever seen it. It's a guy who does this really stark interviews with all kinds of interesting people, but the bulk of his interviews are drug addicts from skid row in LA. They can be shocking, depressing, or occasionally funny and uplifting. But they really show what it's like for someone who struggles with deep-seeded issues. The guy who conducts the interviews is Mark Laita. I've seen him on other podcasts, etc., and he says that he has rarely seen people turn their lives around from those depths (hard drug addiction that all roots back to childhood trauma). But those that have truly gotten clean did it on their own. All of the support in the world doesn't matter if the person isn't ready to help themselves. I'd like to think our spouses aren't as depraved or hopeless as someone who is addicted to heroine, but those comments of his coincide with vet advice I see here a lot: You can't fix your broken spouse. They have to fix themselves. And first, they have to want to fix themselves, and have to acknowledge the problem. Mark says the biggest hurdle for those drug addicts is believing they deserve to heal. Most of them don't. I don't know where my W's head is at these days, but I'm guessing it's spinning and running 1,000 mph like it did the last year. Your H sounds like he doesn't believe he can/should heal, if he's even acknowledged to himself that he has a problem.

Surround yourself with great friends, join some clubs make new ones, test your comfort zone. Get a tattoo, skydive, try hiking, snowboarding, go find the biggest roller coaster in an amusement park ( I remember six flags in America was always epic) and get on it and get that adrenaline going.

I haven't really went the "out of my comfort zone" route yet this time around aside from really dressing myself better than I normally do. Yesterday I got compliments on my shoes, glasses and shirt, all from different people (all women). I have been a thrill seeker most of my life. Love snowboarding, I've been skydiving several times. I love roller coasters. I do have a plan to buy a mountain bike and join a friend group that rides. I've done it once before and it was awesome. I need to build up these arms, back and chest a little before I get a tattoo and draw attention to them haha

I turn 42 in a little over a week as far as I’m concerned I haven’t even hit halfway in my life yet. My H has decided he doesn’t want to be on my ride anymore so that’s his loss.

Happy early birthday. I'm sure we'll get a report on it. And yep, H is missing a lot.

[Pattnee5]

Sweeping things under the rug is a killer. Avoidance. One simple thing that can destroy so so much. My H swept everything under the rug, it’s bubbled below his surface for goodness knows how long and now exploded and destroyed everything. Yet he still sweeps things under the rug, refusing help, refusing to deal with issues etc. It won’t be good for these spouses. Their lives won’t be full of happiness and free of any guilt or remorse or pain.

I have an uphill battle right now with H and he still keeps avoiding. He still hasn’t sat the kids down to tell him about his move overseas which is apparently happening in November. I always get vague excuses like “the visa hasn’t come through” the pay rate isn’t confirmed etc.
It’s very frustrating. I told him very firmly to tell them during the school break they have had the last two weeks so they are home and have time to process, my dad even told him he needs to tell them. Yet still nothing. He’s just buried his head in the sand. I have often thought about telling them but it’s not my job to hurt them. He is the one doing this he needs to be the one to break their hearts and see the look of their pain and shock in their eyes every time he closes his own eyes. I’ll be there to support just the kids when he tells them. And to make sure he doesn’t twist any story and make out as if I agree with any of this. Just more “sweeping under the rug” behaviour.
Yet again typical signs of a MLC man regressing to the brain of a 17 year old teenager. They really need to man up and deal with their issues

[Sunflyer]

My W came from the closest family I've ever witnessed. A big group of Italians and love each other to death. There are issues like any other family, but absolutely none of them have just thrown away their family without a great reason, until W. So they are all flabbergasted. But her mom's side is where the issues arise, I'm learning. They sweep problems under the rug. They don't talk about real issues. They pretend everything is okay. Until it's no longer okay. W was by far the closest to her mom (oldest sibling, essentially cared for her mom and siblings when her mom was drunk, as young as 10 years old).

Not to hijack Pattnee's thread but holy Batman, Card, this is my situation to a T. I married into an Italian family, and you could be describing them right here. My family was not close like they are, but they do indeed sweep things under the rug while continuing to preach the value of family. My W followed the script exactly but when push came to shove, she was the one to give up on our marriage.

Her parents recently celebrated their 50th anniversary. I always envied couples like that until I stopped and realized how long your marriage lasts doesn't necessarily reflect that you have some secret marriage sauce. I have seen the cracks in my in-laws' marriage; they are certainly there. Heck, my parents were married that long but ever since I knew them, they basically couldn't stand each other.

My W is also very close to her mother, and I've always thought that she was a lot like her mother. Which is not necessarily a bad thing because I thought her mother had some very good qualities. But as her mother has aged, I've seen the negatives creep in: the stubbornness, cattiness, air of superiority that she has. I wonder if W will go down the same road. I do know that my FIL used to smile around his wife a lot more than he does nowadays. One of his trademarks was that he would break into a big grin and shout, "Heyyyyyyyyyy, baby!!!!!!!" to her. That kind of exuberance is long gone.

[Pattnee5]

I’m so sorry to hear Card and Sun!
Nothing against Italians but I am not Italian 😂i never wanted to give up on this marriage and never sweep issues under the rug. I always face things head on and to me family is everything and so is working through the problems and challenges of life and relationships. I think I look at my family and our upbringing was tough, tight with money a lot, but my parents had each others backs and while they may have had arguments they worked through and tackled problems in a very healthy way. You fight you vent you calm down you come back together and communicate and work through it. Communication is everything.My H unfortunately never spoke his issues, comes from an environment where while his parents are still together they never fought, never even as much as argued in front of them as kids, and seem to have a relationship where the father rules the roost the mother is basically a slave and has no say. Very sad. H was never like that until MLC crept in. He always spoke his mind and issues.Started bottling up, avoiding, burying his issues and now exploded. I look back and can see this all started around 12 months before BD right around the time of the job stress and promotion. He couldn’t cope with the job and didn’t want to be a failure and the family is the collateral damage.
Avoidance and sweeping things under the rug is never good for any relationship. I’m sorry both your W have done what my H has also done. I just think at some point they will live in their world of pain and turmoil and guilt, while us LBS have done a lot of self work and self growth thanks to DB and the many vets advise. And we will walk away happier and healthier having seen this as our finest hour ( as Kind and DnJ keep saying). I am starting to see that now. That feeling of “our finest hour” is starting to fall into places This may just be my finest hour how I have stood, how I have maturely handled this compared to his erratic ness. How I have done so much self growth while he sinks. I am not the one who gave up and ran away he was( and deep down he knows it). Forever he will live with the knowledge that I was prepared to throw 100% into fixing issues and working through our bad patch and he was prepared to give 0% and run away. To me, that’s a win for me as a human and as a person with values. Our R is nowhere near as bad as he has twisted it in his head to be and I know that. The MLC brain is a really sad state of mind unfortunately.
I think we just have to keep moving forward one step at a time and we will be ok 😁

[Sunflyer]

I am not the one who gave up and ran away he was( and deep down he knows it). Forever he will live with the knowledge that I was prepared to throw 100% into fixing issues and working through our bad patch and he was prepared to give 0% and run away. To me, that’s a win for me as a human and as a person with values. Our R is nowhere near as bad as he has twisted it in his head to be and I know that.

Yep, keep repeating this to yourself. I certainly am. Because you are right and you know it.

I know I've said this before, but while I am not dealing with a drinking, video game playing spouse who's fleeing to another country, I have read most of your story and whenever you start describing your H and wondering how the heck his values took such a left turn from where they were, I nod my head because that's exactly what I saw happen to W. Not sure it's a midlife crisis, but she's definitely suffered some kind of crisis of conscience, so to speak.