Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D
Makes sense and understand it will take a fair bit of discussion. Which we have only really done when H has had a meltdown moment and thrown stuff at me

I just think it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off legalise the separation and financial situation and current living situation so that I can continue to move forward. The current situation of him coming and going as he pleases being a part time dad, making comments about “it’s till my house and my money” etc and just just the coming and going with the gaming and drinking is no longer something I enjoy. He brings alcohol in when I’m not there and not respecting my boundaries anymore.
I want my space my own place and home, an arrangement whereby he has set days with the kids. At the moment it’s a very skewed version of being separated whereby it’s more coexisting, him living how he wants by his rules, still not feeling the effects of anything because he still sees kids when he wants, has contact with me despite me clearing out as much as possible

I am just ready to move away from this current situation which I don’t like, d14 doesn’t like and has made many comments about too

[Pattnee5]

Ok so I am posting the interaction in hope others may possibly get something out of it (good or bad.)

Firstly- I DID IT. I couldn’t actually believe I had he courage and calmness to do it and instigate the next step. I thought I would be sitting back waiting and waiting forever. I remember a great vet early on in my journey Steve telling me about drop dates and having something in mind that was my end as my H was procrastinating and see-sawing constantly. I didn’t realise until I pulled out an old journal I had early on that I wrote “end of sept-let’s not repeat last Christmas”. I had forgotten all about the date. Anyway I couldn’t believe I had the courage.

I was in our bedroom and H popped in after playing with S to say goodnight and I asked to talk. I basically took a breath and told him I would like to schedule a meeting to move forward with legalities of separation and could we do it next week. H looked a bit vague then asked some questions. I didn’t want ro bring it up but I got sucked in and told him I wanted to sell and split all assets and move our seperate ways financially too and explained about how this current situation is not working and the constant snarky comments about “my money” etc were going to be very hard to live under long term. He said he understood and then went a bit into R talk. I shouldn’t have engaged but I know I messed up here and did. He rambled about how “I can’t possibly see myself sleeping back in this bed next to you”, “I’m too hurt by things and your infidelity 9 years ago”, “I know I said I forgave you and we were good for a long time but I am not now”, “you spoil the kids too much”, “I will never retire and work until I’m 90”, blah blah you name it I think I heard it.

I did ask him why he has taken so long to want to finalize things considering he was finished 9 months ago (yes ok I shouldn’t have engaged) and all he said was “because I was waiting to see if my feelings changed. They haven’t and they won’t”. This is where I did an internal eye roll and wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and say “how can anything in your life change if you don’t want to seek any help, or find your happy place again” ughhh. BTW I didn’t do this but I secretly thought it and thought how darn daft can you be.

During this brief conversation it’s funny seeing his moods change. Initially vacant, then got agitated but seemed to control himself better than in the past but still you could see the anger boiling as he threw daggers at me rattling reasons to not be with me (all those nuances of housework, money, spoil kids too much etc etc) I dodged every dagger though. Really, it was more water off a ducks back. In the past all of the words hurt so much now I almost can recite the scripts

From here, he then got teary (yes watery eyes) and just then D14 walked in all happy about her holiday and to get some stuff. H sprang up and embraced her and ended up becoming all hyperactive and saying stuff like “ have a great holiday, spoil the kids buy them whatever they want don’t even worry about money blah blah” …. um what? Haha this Alien is bipolar now? How very interesting.

Anyway conversation ended fine H kept saying to send him pics etc and updates of D comp. I think I was more curious watching the many faces of MLC pain and emotion in the space of a 4 minute conversation. Vacant, anger and defensive, sadness, hyperactive.

How did I do? I give myself a 6 out of 10. I should have shut the gate on the R talk but it’s done. Did it bother me the words the comments? That’s a definite no. Nothing like the past. I felt more sadness for where H is, more sadness that he’s forgotten what love is for himself and for others and even from others and the fact he has given up on someone who never would have given up on him.
I feel sorry for the fact that he has gone down this tunnel and has such a hard path out alone.

While we are now likely going our seperate ways do I still love him? Heck yes, so very much and a small fragment inside wished this would be enough for him to realize “what am I doing, I don’t want this, I want to save my marriage”, but he’s not at that point. Our story from here forward isn’t written. I am still going to be his lighthouse, I am still carrying hope that we can one day reconcile but regardless for now I am ok with this all. I think Kind said it to me a while back but maybe, just maybe this is what needs to happen for your marriage to be saved. Maybe he needs to live his reality, realize what he has thrown away, pull himself out of his hole and find his heart. And just maybe we do reconcile when he has healed or maybe we don’t. Either way right now I don’t mind. I do feel he needs to do this, it’s in his stubborn head he needs to follow his plan. And maybe only then will be realize what he has truly lost and what a fool he has become. In the meantime the DB has been working a treat. I feel detached I feel strong. I had a teary in the shower for about 2 minutes and that was it. After that I felt good and strong again about this being the right path for me now.

A few months back the above interaction would have been a completely different outcome. There would have been tears and lots of them, bargaining, pleading, trying to psychologically counsel him from stuff I had read. Look how FAR I have come. Tonight I was calm collected never stepped outside my box and continued to tell myself I know my self worth. I felt strong I felt grounded. I feel a bit guilty that I had the glimmer of thought that this would shock him enough to profess his undying love like a movie. (so yep I am also a human)

So I hope others can take some positives negatives and something out of the top. There was a time when I was a crying blubbering mess gripping to him for dear life. Now I have learnt to detach I find myself more balanced

[Card29]

Comparing your internal stability and happiness to the place you were early this year is very inspiring. I've been through this once before, and I know in my brain that I can/will get there, but it's still pretty raw so I don't truly believe that I'll get there a lot of the time. It's very helpful to see someone in real time standing strong on their own 2 feet, still loving their spouse, but without the dread and sorrow weighing them down.

Thank you for sharing!

[MA1970]

Well done Pattnee, great job! You had the talk, reflected on what could have been different & can now go on your holiday with a clear mind. Enjoy your time away.

[Rockon]

Have a fun holiday Pattnee!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card and MA. Surprisingly I feel extremely calm right now. Sad yes but calm. It is still very hard to hear H constantly use my past infidelity 9 years ago as his main reason even though we had long since moved past it and he had forgiven me long long ago. I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t the reason and it’s most likely the MLC rearing it’s ugly head-( although I also acknowledge that was traumatic for him and maybe he hadn’t fully dealt with it and now it’s resurfsced and reliving his trauma ). H obviously has a lot of work to do on himself to deal with his own demons before there’s any chance of us reestablishing a marriage that will stand the rest of time. I realise that so clearly now.
I won’t let my past dictate who I am right now or who I will become. I have used my past mistakes to be the lesson to strengthen me to be who I am today and who I will become ( even if that’s not the person my H wants anymore)

I still love him so deeply and want the best for him but for now he needs to live his reality he has chosen which is a life without me. Hopefully he finds the strength to rise through this and help himself instead of spiral but either way it’s his path and I finally finally know that know when I fought it for so long and kept holding on making it my path too. For now I have to figure out how to “friendzone “ him 😆 and he his lighthouse


I think mine and H relationship is a bit strange he’s been so connected and in and out of my life from day 1. He’s wanted to basically switch from lovers to friends and I’ve gone along with it. I think eventually I could get to a place where I could really be friends with him but the pain deep down is still so raw.
Maybe one day we become a DB success story where we reconcile ( I realise now how long and enduring this MLC will actually be and it may still be years) but regardless I still feel like a success because without discovering DB, this forum, this support, I would still be buried in a mountain of tears and clinging for dear life. I would no way be where I am today.It’s taught me what it means to detach and taught me the most important person in this world is me so Thankyou everyone.

[Pattnee5]

Had a great trip with the kids for a few days. Super busy and packed in alot. Coming home with a very full heart( and slightly exhausted).
H messaged a fair bit asking about D14 comp and how everyone is going. I responded politely but we were so busy I didn’t even give him much thought.
A little bit sad and full of dread now heading home and knowing that the table discussion to sort out legal separation is coming. It seems so final. I feel a bit of sadness In my heart today knowing I am choosing now to no longer stand and “wait”. My heart does ache for th man I love, despite me knowing staying in this limbo is damaging for me and I’m doing the right thing. It still makes it hard. His words still sting in the back of my mind “ I can’t see myself holidaying with you or lying back in our bed together”. They are some pretty damaging words. Despite me being good and strong and stable I think there’s need some damage done that’s for sure .
Anyway the trip was fantastic
This week won’t be fun but I will find my courage

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I’ve been meaning to ask what is “comp”? I usually can figure out (or Google) the various wordings from the corners of the world interacting here. Yet this, I’m feeling rather lost about. Lol. Please sate my curiosity.

I feel a bit of sadness In my heart today knowing I am choosing now to no longer stand and “wait”.

Standing is not standing still. Maybe see this more as choosing to no longer wait, to no longer put your life on hold. Standing for you and your convictions, instead of standing for H.

A little bit sad and full of dread now heading home and knowing that the table discussion to sort out legal separation is coming.

That which one focuses on, becomes larger.

It’s interesting how we can/do influence our fate. Heading into a meeting full of dread, hours and hours of imagining poor reactions, and imagining usually the worse outcome, we give off vibes and subconsciously steer things to that very end.

Instead, see the meeting’s goals. The most positive outcomes you are after. Head into meetings, situations, interactions, with a positive mindset, a more beginner’s mind. A mind that is open to, and can imagine, a fruitful and positive outcome gives off much different vibes and subconscious clues and interactions.

One finds what they are looking for.

Glad you and daughter had a great trip.

D

[Rockon]

So glad you had a great trip. Getting away and creating special memories. Strengthening bonds and making meaning.

I wish you well with peace hope and courage as you follow through with your conversation and with how you life your life according to what is important to you.

I am away making memories and strengthening bonds with D and granddaughter. I am contemplating actions and changes upon my return. On the plane I was journaling my exhaustion. So very done. Lots of emotion for sure. And in that emotional space I recognized I didn’t want this and I want better for my life and family. I felt like I wanted decisiveness. Later during this trip, I have processed more and I have come to see I need courage to prepare for and take necessary action.

I’m reading the book Fierce Conversations and I plan to have those difficult and vital conversations. MWD describes them in DR as well.

[Pattnee5]

Good Morning Patt

I’ve been meaning to ask what is “comp”? I usually can figure out (or Google) the various wordings from the corners of the world interacting here. Yet this, I’m feeling rather lost about. Lol. Please sate my curiosity.

I feel a bit of sadness In my heart today knowing I am choosing now to no longer stand and “wait”.

Standing is not standing still. Maybe see this more as choosing to no longer wait, to no longer put your life on hold. Standing for you and your convictions, instead of standing for H.

A little bit sad and full of dread now heading home and knowing that the table discussion to sort out legal separation is coming.

That which one focuses on, becomes larger.

It’s interesting how we can/do influence our fate. Heading into a meeting full of dread, hours and hours of imagining poor reactions, and imagining usually the worse outcome, we give off vibes and subconsciously steer things to that very end.

Instead, see the meeting’s goals. The most positive outcomes you are after. Head into meetings, situations, interactions, with a positive mindset, a more beginner’s mind. A mind that is open to, and can imagine, a fruitful and positive outcome gives off much different vibes and subconscious clues and interactions.

One finds what they are looking for.

Glad you and daughter had a great trip.

D

Hi DnJ
Comp is competition. She had been competing for a big sports competition in another state this past weekend. Sorry I should have written it properly instead of how we speak it 😄

Yes so very true about the standing. I didn’t really see it that way but it makes sense. I am no longer standing still waiting for H. Putting him first when he hasn’t put me or this M first. I am doing this for me because this situation is not healthy or good for me unfortunately.

I’ll be sure to go into this with positivity and with the outlook of my future ahead can be amazing. It really is on H that he has chosen to not want a future with me