So H came over this morning, initially to take S to school and then to have that conversation. I just made sure I was in a calm and good place beforehand although there was alot of emotions I think I handled them ok.
STBXH ( I guess I should use that now) sat with me and we discussed some stuff. Occasionally we went a bit in circles but I stayed calm and didn’t let my emotions come in, although I did cry at a point and I couldn’t help it. H told me after our conversation before my trip( whereby I just said it’s time to sit and legalise our separation and I thought we should sell house split assets and progress our seperate ways) he told me he has now decided to take that job overseas ( the one he had mentioned about 3 months ago) Apparently that night after our talk ( where he was all over the place with reactions) he decided he wanted to do it and do it for him( enter the running away mode)
He said he “just needed to do this, I hate who I have become I have felt like this for a year or two I hate how angry I am and hate that I always do everything for everyone else now I want to do something for me”. He also proceeded to say “ I haven’t done anything with moving forward with the split because I was hoping I would feel better and feel the love for you again but all I feel is anger and resent you and look at you naked and resent you, I still think about your affair 9 years ago even though I know I am to blame and my actions too etc etc” ( yep brutal words but just let it slide I didn’t react) kept mentioning his demons of some sort
I just said I wasn’t going to stand in his way and make him stay in a relationship he didn’t want to be in. He’s very concerned about how the kids will cope. No dad around and all. I had a teary at the end he pretty much agreed to all the financials etc. he wants me present when he tells the kids. I’m not too sure what I can say other than hug them when he breaks their hearts.
As hard as that whole interaction was, I kept thinking in my head that I deserve better than what STBXH is giving right now. He isn’t great and needs to live his MLC reality. I would have clung to him like crazy in the past, begged, cried etc I felt I was practically helping him pack his bag. He needs to hit rock bottom He needs to see what it feels like to lose someone who loves him He needs to live his reality in order to have a fighting chance at sorting himself out and at our relationship having any sort of chance
I am good btw. After that whole morning I did cry a bit on my own but moreso because it felt like the end of an era, the end of 20 years. That relationship is done. If I want STBXH back in my life I want a new relationship with him and I get that now. He has to live with these concequences me and the kids will be fine, great even. My relationship will be strong with them. I don’t know how I will learn to be a mum and dad at the same time but honestly i keep shocking myself every step of the way. I don’t know where this inner strength and peace has come from.
I kept myself grounded the rest of the day, a long walk with the dog, cooking dinner with D14. I heard some more “hurtful” words today but for some reason they don’t hurt anymore. MLC [censored] but I am not letting any man dim my light
I am by no means a DB success story ( not yet anyway) but DB has taught me so much about putting myself back together one piece at a time 🥰
Stay tuned I am sure there’s more excitement to come. But boy oh boy am I glad I am now in a far better place where things just don’t bother me anymore
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Well for the first time in months I am wide awake at 3am and my head is buzzing. The days events I think caught up with my mind. I’m not crying, my emotions are okay, I don’t even feel In shock or anything I just feel really calm and indifferent. But I feel a bit guilty for not being sad or crying or anything. Isn’t that bad.It’s like I am almost ok with this all and the fact he is moving to the other side of the world. I feel a sadness for H though. Feel sorry for him. The look on his face, so tormented in so my pain he can’t express rather bottled up.it’s so hard to see the person you once knew so consumed, but I also feel guilty for not “caring” anymore about trying to help him through his storm. You can see they need help, know that with the right support you can help them through it, but no longer care or try enough to suggest it or help him anymore. It’s funny for months now I just kept telling myself “ he fired me as a W, not my problem” and it really worked drumming that into me.
It’s funny to think I feel guilty for no longer crying hours over him and no longer feeling bad. I feel as I get stronger through all of this and every interaction now, he spirals deeper and gets worse. It’s like role reversal. I feel bad for him ( is this just our silly female nurturing side?) bad for how he is feeling within and you can see it written all over his face, yet here I am getting better and stronger, smiling, making memories, feeling good within myself and feeling good about my life direction right now of becoming a better woman., and he is sinking and wallowing. I feel bad for choosing ME now and only having STBXH as a passing thought.
But moreso right now my mind is buzzing with how I am going to be a mum and a dad 24/7. I am dreading when H tells the kids, S12 is really going to be affected. I hate seeing my kids cry. I know the kids are teenagers but boy they are a full time job in its end with all their running around. I have to get creative with “me” time. These MLC spouses really do light their fires and run.
Last edited by Pattnee5; 09/11/2306:28 PM.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi Pattnee, sounds like you're doing a great job and handled that as well as you could. My comment is on the sudden change early hours of the morning. What I'm finding is that each new little change that happens (with my H, it's now all crazy trying to get back with me), I have an initial response, this time it was guilt because I knew he was hurting and starting to feel some of his losses & Ive always been the fixer! However, as many say on here doing nothing is doing something & allowing time to stand back and think how I want to proceed that benefits ME, is a big thing. I do still get caught up in wanting to fix him, nurture him & care for him but I have to remind myself that HE needs to take responsibility for this. I am worth so much more than the scraps of him. I don't know if he will ever be able to do the work he needs to on him. I do know though that I have worked on me & don't need someone to suck my newfound passion for life out of me. From what I read, you're doing a great job in this. I just wanted to normalise the changing emotions each time something new comes up. Our responses get less but the tears fo still come & so they should after so long together.
I think your kids are probably younger than mine but they will adjust given the right support from you. It's equally damaging for them to observe his crazy behaviour and disrespect for you as to have a period of transition where you form different family units. There's lots of research that supports well balanced kids growing up to adjusted adults as long as they have one stable loving figure in their life so make sure that's you in his craziness. It's a big challenge being mum & dad (my H doesn't really see either if mine at the minute) but it comes with ots rewards and as long as you make sure to have you time, it's manageable.
Keep going, keep doing everything you are doing & continue to work on and create the life you want for you with nothing or no one holding you back. Sending hugs, you did good.
Keep going, keep doing everything you are doing & continue to work on and create the life you want for you with nothing or no one holding you back. Sending hugs, you did good.
Thanks MA I love this and definitely my motto moving forward with everything. I felt like a bit of a failure getting teary during our conversation but that was only because H was teary too. I definitely could have done it more by DB standards but it’s a very surreal time like the end of an era I never expected to end, with someone I saw myself growing old with, my “Noah from the notebook 😂” ( until he fired me). He kept asking if my family hated him etc. I just said he shouldn’t worry about what everyone thinks. What I really wanted to say but bit my tongue was, “yes you are walking out on their grandkids and they now have to step up and fill your parental duties and help me” but I didn’t. I am not sure if that will eventually be said. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t really feel a lot right now. No anger, nothing. Sadness that I couldn’t save him maybe, sadness for the state he is in. But very much feeling very grounded in myself too. I haven’t really cried other than a bit teary. Nothing like the last 9 months. It’s like there’s no tears left. I still love him so deeply, despite how broken he is, it’s bad to even say but I even forgive him for all of this ( not that I would tell him) I am just too forgiving. But I love me way more right now and that’s all that matters and is the most important thing in this world is me and those kids, and I am not letting H ever make me feel like I’m not worthy of anything anymore.
My kids are 12 and 14. They are surrounded by so much love from my family my parents my brother and his wife. We all live within a few minute walk so I certainly have my village around me.
It’s funny MA to see our similar situations and how two MLC men are choosing such similar paths and exhibiting such similar behaviours( although mine isn’t begging or trying to get me back at all) MLC [censored] and it’s so real and I am forwarding all my friends. One friend is going through it herself right now and about to BD her H and family and run away( my situation hasn’t deterred her at all)
Anyway I am good I am smiling and laughing despite the deeper heartache of losing my soulmate. I know I am far too good of a woman to not be loved respected and worth the fight
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I am inspired by both of you Patt and MA. My respect for your courage.
I am having a really great bonding time with D and GD. Being there for them. D is very upset with W. I am validating and being here for her.
I am in a similar space of wondering about my shifting feelings. Not much patience or care for W right now. I mean I care deeply but I need to focus on myself, my family and D needs me now. She asked me to come visit and support her.
It sounds to me like you did a great job, although as you know I'm still learning. I agree our situations feel very similar. Don't be misled though, when I say H is trying to come home. He's a crazy mess and nowhere near ready. It's every time they break up, which this is the 6th or 7th time (I lose count). Its all words and no action! It's typical of his dependent manchild behaviour. I've gained so much respect for myself during the whole DBing experience that I genuinely couldn't even contemplate him how he is currently. That being said, I'm trying to be kind, hear him (not face to face & not continually), validate his feelings but remain within my own boundaries. Like you say, this community has been a life saver.
Thanks for the encouragement MA. Yep I agree I know I couldn’t have a healthy or proper relationship with H the way mine currently is either.Despite not as much craziness, the fact he is running away from his problems ( or at least that’s how I interpret this whole move overseas and abandon your wife and kids) shows me he isn’t a right man and still in the midst of his crisis.I could never even entertain having him back the way he is because he would do it to me again and again. It isn’t fun being their collateral damage though.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi Kind. He’s “moving” to America. Supposedly for a couple year contract although he keeps saying “ if I don’t like it I’ll just come home “ he hates his current role but can’t downgrade as he likes the money so is stepping sideways within the company. That promotion 2 years ago was the worst thing to ever happen to him he couldn’t cope with stress or being a very high position. I feel that was one of the triggers.
So yes it does have reciprocal rights and I’m also making sure with my lawyer too. Regardless I am asking for more of my fair share of equity and assets etc to safeguard myself in case he blindsides me anymore So far he’s playing ball,everything very amicable and friendly saying he will give more etc. Guilt maybe? Who knows what’s going through his head to be honest. Maybe not much.
He looked like rubbish today admitted he hasn’t slept had a bad day etc. I just wished him a good night as he left. His face his emotions they are all over the shop lately since our conversation. I feel like I am watching my teenage daughter go through her monthly hormonal cycle. It really does feel like I have a third child with hormonal issues
This will either be the best thing for him or not. I can’t stop his current destructive path. Even though I know he’s just running as fast and as far as he can. I can only hope this is his awakening to find himself sort through his storm and realise what he has run away from. Regardless whether he does miraculously recover and return without the MLC alien living inside of him or not it’s all on him. I am the one still standing for me for this family and for the kids. He’s the one that has to live with the running and the guilt.
Thanks for the encouragement Kind. Your support along the last few months has really got me where I am. I think you even mentioned a while back that this may just be exactly what he needs to save himself and potentially save whatever is left. He needs to live this reality, get it out of his system etc I’ve realised if he tried to come back into the relationship now he is only half attempting and would never give more than 10% and will likely repeat it in a few years time. I need to let him live the reality he currently wants to see he has lost the best things in his life. It really is sad to see someone fall.
Regardless I am doing good I feel pretty strong actually. I have a IC session coming up again, the end of the year is fast approaching so there’s a lot of events and parties coming up. I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible too. I think once we sign everything and the house is sold etc I may look at a week away just on my own to a women’s retreat. Might be nice to do something for me and on my own
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi Pat, I'm not on here so much but I've kinda been following your thread and others. Look how far you've come, doing great! You are very courageous, I must say I'm not at a point where I can sit H down and talk divorce or even separation. Not yet. But I see that that route may be just what the MLCer needs to help him wake up to reality, what he's done, what he's losing. It's a long road to get there and some of them never do. That's why it is so important for us LBS's to move forward without them and not get stuck in their mud puddle. They so desperately want change, thinking getting away from their old life will somehow make them feel better. Ha! Not true, WE know that it won't but THEY need to find out for themselves. So the best thing is to let them go, let them be free to choose, free to live the life they think they want.
What better way for your H to do just that by going so far away. So he's coming my way, huh? Lol. My guess is he won't stay for 2 years, and he won't find what he's looking for because the answers are not out there, they are within him. But, like you already know, he needs to figure that out all by himself. He's off to a great start though.
In the meantime, you and your kiddos are going to build something great, you've already started so keep going. The amazing thing here is that we FIND OURSELVES in all of this, find strengths we never thought we had, find new passions, new horizons that we never would have, had this not ever happened. Hey, I am not only talking to you here, I'm also coaching myself, lol. I still need to hear this too. I'm still on this emotional rollercoaster myself but the ride isn't so wild anymore. I'm not screaming like a mad woman!
Concentrate on you and your kids now like you have been, become your best self, their best Mom. You are awesome and you deserve the best life has to offer! ((HUGS))
