Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Yep, a steady ship. All that cacophony and chaos can occur elsewhere.

It’s a bit of trek letting go the drama. Our situations are pretty full of dramatic events. And living with such, we kind of get used to that. When our situations, when we, start to stabilize we still have that kind of need for drama. It’s one of the reasons folks feel they need to do something. Calm and peaceful are, for a while, a bit unknown and do get rediscovered.

There is a required time to find one’s center when getting off the rollercoaster and then riding the swan ride down the lazy river. Just like in an actual amusement park, directly hoping off the sky screamer coaster and on to the gentle swan, our emotions are still ramped up and we are full of energies. Takes a bit to adjust to the calm gentle flow of the waters and the serene environment.

Indifference takes time to adjust to. You are in calm waters now. You are captain of your ship. A ship on a pretty steady tack. Leave H to his drama, you’ve got plenty of things ongoing in your life. Work, kids, gym, travelling, and so on.

It feels really good when we embrace our full and fulfilling life, drama free.

By the way, you didn’t waste 2023, it was a needed investment into self.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ that’s so true about it being an investment into myself. Despite the rivers of tears and sleepless nights I have really rediscovered myself away from H. It certainly has opened my eyes to what I deserve moving forward and maybe without something like this I would have never had the chance to realise many things

[Pattnee5]

Had a great weekend, had a close friend over lots of laughs and chats. Her XH ( from 3 yrs ago) is crawling back on her doorstep telling her how much he regrets destroying his family. Sounds like such a script. Was Father’s Day, helped kids organise a gift for H which he loved. I have been making myself scarce around him, not really initiating any conversation. I just feel no desire anymore to fight for someone who doesn’t love me( or at least says it). I feel so indifferent. So “meh” about H whenever I see him. He wanted to spend the day with the kids so I went out and did stuff which was great ( weather was fantastic). Came home and took kids to dinner. H had ended up doing nothing but gaming and said kids didn’t want to do anything . When I returned home from dinner I invited my family in and he was still in the house gaming ( and drinking by this point). That’s a lot of gaming close to a good portion of the whole day. Had been drinking so got up abrupt when we arrived and left being extremely rude to my family( who mind you are housing him out the back of their property). As on cue as always, today full of shame and guilt and red faced apologising to everyone.I accepted the apology but that’s it. Didn’t offer advice or comfort or nothing like normal. It’s bad to say but I feel like I just don’t care anymore I don’t care about H spiral. I feel I am getting so much stronger so much happier and he is getting worse. It’s like the flip of BD when I was spiralling and he was on cloud 9.

Def helped my decision now though, that and D14 telling me she hates this and hates him coming and going in “our house”. D14 isn’t happy with him. It certainly is my courage now. I am ready to do this and rip that Band-Aid off.


I’m planning to sit with H next week. He doesn’t know yet. I’m away later this week for a few days with the kids to get some Sun and have some fun so I don’t want to do it before. It’s time to legalise the separation, financially separate stuff and likely sell the house.(explored all options regarding the house and it’s the only way really to be financially independent I can’t buy him out and vice versa, plus if he pays for portions and I live here anything I do he will hold me at financial hostage ) I just feel so stuck and trapped like this and the fact H still sees it as “his house” and “his money” and makes snarky comments I don’t feel I can do anything or move forward.
So question, do I warn him I want to finalise stuff next week?give him a few days to think about his side(get more of his advice or whatnot) Or just tell him a few days before the meet up.
I’m ready to move forward with my life now. I look at H and feel sad for his spiral but I am done being hurt, it’s been a rough 8-9 months, H has shown no desire or action to work on himself or the marriage so it’s time I walk away. I think where I started and where I am now I just can’t believe it. I thought I would never get through the day.
I guess I am up to the acceptance part. Or the part where I can see what’s better now for me and the kids. What I want moving forward after a very challenging year. The only I way I can see right now me moving forward is to cut all financial ties and not have him coming and going etc and have set schedules. Actually be a normal separation instead of me just idly sitting by and appeasing him hoping he wakes up. It ain’t happening anytime soon, if ever. There’s a lot of bridges to rebuild first and I am not waiting around anymore.
So do I pre warn him about the discussion? I know I hated being blindsided.it’s time now he finally lives his concequences of his actions instead of just coasting comfortably.

Gosh I just want to say i never thought I would be here. I feel at peace, I feel grounded, my heart feels like it’s healing. I actually feel happy🙃. I can’t even remember when I last cried now. My kids make me so happy. I make me happy. I have so so much love to give, and I def deserve to be with someone who replicates my values.


Anyway would appreciate some advice from the vets and a bit of guidance.

[Terapin]

You're doing great!

IMO, I would give a warning, but not all the specifics. "Hey H, can you be available to meet next week? I'd like to discuss with you my plans moving forward regarding the house, separation, etc'.

I'm sure a vet can word it better than I did, but something like that is what I'd recommend.

[Pattnee5]

That’s what I was thinking Terapin. I don’t want to stoop to H level and blindside.
Thanks for the encouragement. I’m feeling good. (Not great YET ) but so good within myself now❤️‍🩹

[MA1970]

Hi Pattnee, just wanted to say I think you're doing great. Keep holding it together & focusing on what's right for you and the kids. Your H sounds a lot like mine (minus the blatant OW sich) & they really are both nowhere near coming out of this crazy period. Everything you are doing for you is paying dividends at the minute & will only serve to strengthen you in the long run.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks MA. You were an inspiration too to be honest. I just don’t “care” for his mess anymore. I don’t feel anything towards it. My kids are my courage. H isn’t coming home anytime soon nor do I want him to the way he is. It’s time for me to move forward without him and I’m ok with that.
I just need to figure out how to pre warn him about booking a conversation next week and getting things moving. He has chosen this reality and now he needs to live with the concequences and I am ok about that knowing I did all I could

[Sunflyer]

My kids are my courage. H isn’t coming home anytime soon nor do I want him to the way he is. It’s time for me to move forward without him and I’m ok with that.
I just need to figure out how to pre warn him about booking a conversation next week and getting things moving. He has chosen this reality and now he needs to live with the concequences and I am ok about that knowing I did all I could

I completely understand this. I am in the middle of all of it and find myself looking past it. I only wish I could teleport myself past all the legal stuff and find myself settled elsewhere.

I love who my wife was, when we shared the same values regarding marriage and family. She has given up on those values.

I don't want to be with someone who has decided to treat me like a fifth wheel. I deserve much better than that.

[Pattnee5]

I leave tomorrow for a 4 day break with the kids ( which I am so excited about getting some Sun and watching D14 compete in what she loves doing at a National level)

I think I will talk to H tonight and ask him to set aside some time next week. Maybe something like what Terapin said “ hi can you be available next week for some time to finalise our separation. I have decided the best path for everyone to move forward would be to sell the house and split our assets and go our seperate ways both financially and emotionally. Unfortunately this current living situation that seems to suit you is not working for me and after such a difficult year I am wanting to move forward with my life”
Something like that maybe. I don’t think it sounds harsh
Let him stew all weekend ( which he won’t he will just drown himself in games and drink bur I don’t mind because the kids and I will have an absolute ball)

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

I’d be more direct with time and place, and less with why and what. I’d also consider neutral ground for your meeting too. For example:

H, I wish to discuss our current living situation. I am free on Wednesday. Let’s meet at <coffee shop name> at 2:00 pm.


Write down what you are wanting to cover during the meeting, so as to not miss a point when things get dragged off course. Keep it straightforward and businesslike.

What outcome are hoping to get from this meeting? Is it obtainable? Knowing that, will help keep the meeting on track as well. A legally binding separation agreement cannot be hashed out at a coffee shop, however confirmation of intent could be achieved.

Have a great break with the kids.

D