Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Following on from here as I get better



https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2946270&gonew=1#UNREAD

[Pattnee5]

Perhaps, in 5 years when someone asks you about your divorce, you’ll say “It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me because it forced me to learn how to be courageous.”

I think this whole experience has taught me so much including courage. I think I just feel like a failure that I didn’t keep fighting ( even though I know there’s nothing left to fight for when the other person isn’t on the same page). I was never one to give up on something and my marriage and family were the two most important things. I think that’s the part holding me back.
Not the fear of my future and my happiness because I am strong within myself to know I am going to be more than ok.

I am excited for what the future may hold and I do absolutely love the idea of making my own decisions and my own path for me and my kids and even moreso that they will grow up in a stable loved environment away from the dreaded alcohol. H mentioned this morning as we crossed paths that his 24yo nephew ( sisters kid) is in a bad way with drinking and alot of other issues. H sister is a “high functioning alcoholic” as she self proclaims. I didn’t say anything to that comment other that that such a sad situation. In my head our S12 was eating breakfast right nearby and I just thanked my lucky stars he doesn’t have to watch his dads habit every night and learn that’s how we deal with stress. Apples don’t fall far from the trees

Thanks again for opening my eyes Kind to my possible DB mistake😂 I’m still learning

[Kind18]

I think I just feel like a failure that I didn’t keep fighting.

Imagine a scenario where someone keeps breaking into a house to steal children’s toys, night after night.

Homeowner 1 tries to reason with the thief many times, but eventually decides they and their kids deserve better, so eventually they install a lock on their front door and call the police.

Homeowner 2 spends 20 years, every night, trying to reason with the thief and hoping they’ll come to their senses and stop stealing. They don’t call the police because they’re worried others might think they’re mean to to the thief.

Tell me - which one is really a failure?

At some point, you need to protect yourself and your kids and your possessions. The real failure is perpetually letting someone treat you like cr*p.

If you still want to stand, you can do that after divorce and you’re probably more likely to reconcile after divkrce. It’s not giving up - it’s drawing a line in the sand about how you’re prepared to be treated.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind. Yep very very true.I think I’m going to call a meeting next week on my day off work. It’s time.
My 42 birthday is about 6 weeks away too and I am getting a bunch of friends together for a night out and booking a night in a hotel in the city ( even though I live 3km away from a major city) just so I can spoil myself enjoy a night out, not worry about getting up the next day and having a laugh

[Pattnee5]

I think my situation is just way way too wierd/strange. No “separated” people live like this. I mean I get it the while keeping it as smooth as possible for the kids but this is just beyond wierd now the more I think about it. I have just been dragged along because I was blinded by it all thinking we had a chance, believing him when he said to give him time to work himself out. I was really just in such a fog and thought I was doing right thing now I can see how utterly rubbish this all has been.

-H lives in a crappy studio above my grandmothers house an old rental.yep my poor family put him up thinking we had a chance and that was 3 months ago he’s been there rent free on an inflatable bed hardly a working kitchen and my poor family have to see him and cross paths with him even though they are so utterly angry

-we still share all finances and bills and have joint accounts.although he’s borrowed money from his parents for his lawyers and using it for his “holiday” and goodness knows what other drinking expenses he’s hiding

-I live at home full time with kids. Day in day out( which I don’t mind) but on the days I work I’m up early, on the days I don’t work I’m still up early taking them to school. H does the school errands on 3 days a week I work. He also sits in our house and uses it when I’m at work to do his washing, eat a cooked meal to save money as he only gets take away, and does some of my chores

I went from missing him crying, begging sappy messages, gifts gosh you name it I did it. To now, when I get home from work I literally cannot wait until he leaves and I get alone time 😂 I feel sorry for him with how disheveled he looks, vacant in the eyes, no energy no joy no laughter, talks about boring work, still in sweat pants. What’s really bad is he used to have such a great personality with so much joy in him. Now that personality only emerges after a drink or two and then a few more later and the anger and bitterness comes out. Goodness MLC or depression or whatever this state of mind is, is scary


This is a really messed situation that I’ve allowed. All because I was trying to nice him back. Take note everyone don’t do what I did above. In saying that I haven’t stopped getting on with my life seeing lots of friends having fun ( while H has completely isolated himself and the only contact he has is me in passing times and the kids)

However I hate this feeling of being somewhat stuck. Unable to make my own moves financially, having him come and go and walk in and out. Goodness me been doing a lot of thinking today and he is legitimately in comfort zone. He’s happy to just Coast like this because it works for him. Not moving one way with finalising proceedings and not moving the other to get whatever issues he has sorted. This is one part of this MLC I don’t get. Where is the running off being wild and crazy. He is just cycling through the motions of life like he’s on autopilot and everything is a check box. The drinking and gaming has stopped around me now. I don’t think the drinking has stopped but at least not around me and home. Seems he’s stopped going to the gym too.

Argh I am frustrated at myself for letting it get to this and I wished I had woken up sooner in my dB days . Fellow LBS do not do what I did for so long. I played along thinking I was helping him instead he’s just stuck. Not budging either way and now I need to Do his dirty work.

Anyway sorry just a vent tonight. I’m sleeping amazingly now( thinking back to the days of struggling to sleep and eat), I am getting up at 5am tomorrow to go to the gym before work to start my day. Commitment at that hour.
I am definitely going to have “ the talk” to finalise the legal separation and move on splitting all finances completely and going our seperate ways properly. We can’t file for D here in Aus until 12 months since separation ( I think it goes from when he says it or when he moves out im unsure)
I won’t file for D I will let him do that but for now all the legal separation stuff has to be done.
I am just so so done with this whole situation and person and I certainly don’t want to be around him if his alcoholism gets worse.

Anyway thanks for listening and advice and anything really.
Next week I am going to be a mess I think as I get the guts to do this. I am ready to move forward in my life. Kind18 thanks for the suggestion of sexy clothes and waving another man in his face haha I don’t think I am at that point anytime soon. It would be funny though. A lot of my work friends keep telling me it’s time to get “revenge hot” ha ha the furthest I’ve gone is hitting the gym again and dressing up on weekends
But I honestly have so many friends I am loving hanging out with and don’t need an anchor of a MLC H weighing me down with him, and destroying the kids by his actions. I don’t want our kids thinking this is “ok” for a man to waltz in and out of a relationship as he pleases.

I completely get your point Kind about the thief. It makes so much sense. I was struggling with the guilt that I was giving up too easily on my marriage and not standing like other DB spouses. But then again my whole situation is completely messed and on H terms from day 1 and I have been walked all over and I hated every minute.

Anyway rant over. Reached out to a realestate agent today, got that coming up in the next day or two, getting some ideas. Will try and psyche myself up over the weekend and schedule it for next week. Going to attempt a kitchen table discussion and hopefully amicable arrangement to pass on to lawyers, if that fails then lawyers can fight lawyers I guess. Either way I’ll keep on here and keep posting. I don’t know what to expect as a reaction or what version of H will come about. I just have to stay solid. You guys are all the best and I may chicken out about 20 times before next week but I know you will have stern words

[Rockon]

Courage and strength to you for your convictions, decisions and actions.

There are similarities in our situations. A year ago W moved out and lives with family - her mom. She comes around here sometimes - I go out. As noted on my posts, she has often and consistently acted disrespectfully towards me.

I am engaging my backbone.

Solidarity Sister!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I think my situation is just way way too wierd/strange. No “separated” people live like this.

H is in crisis. Any ideas, thoughts, expectations that he is going to behave “normally” will be unmet.

Yes, absolutely, your situation is way too weird. I’ve been there, even got the T-shirt. My kids have been there too, and still are. XW/Mom is still lost.

H is a lost soul. He has very much lost the plot. Lives in a ramble of an apartment, hardly sees his kids or interacts with anyone. He appears to be stuck.

Yep, an MLCer will not display much outward progress. Most of their emotional journey is internal. What one does see is their running behaviours. Your H is brooding, like a teenager. He needs to grow up from that time/stage. And that takes longer than eight months.

I think I just feel like a failure that I didn’t keep fighting ( even though I know there’s nothing left to fight for when the other person isn’t on the same page).

Fighting begets fighting.

Let go, and focus on you and the kids. Not H, or divorce, or drinking, etc. That which one focuses on becomes larger.

I am excited for what the future may hold and I do absolutely love the idea of making my own decisions and my own path for me and my kids and even moreso that they will grow up in a stable loved environment away from the dreaded alcohol. H mentioned this morning as we crossed paths that his 24yo nephew ( sisters kid) is in a bad way with drinking and alot of other issues. H sister is a “high functioning alcoholic” as she self proclaims. I didn’t say anything to that comment other that that such a sad situation. In my head our S12 was eating breakfast right nearby and I just thanked my lucky stars he doesn’t have to watch his dads habit every night and learn that’s how we deal with stress. Apples don’t fall far from the trees.

Be excited for your future. Run to something rather than run from something. Embracing your future does not necessitate getting a divorce by the way.

Divorce splits assets and custody. That’s it.

If you need financial protection or security, then get it. If there is abuse or likewise, then get protection. Otherwise I leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. Maybe that’s you now. Might want to give that a few months to ensure you are acting on something deeper than feelings. Decisions based upon emotions will lead to regret.

Regarding keeping kids away from Dad’s drinking: Isn’t H entitled to 50/50? Could he not have kids one week on and one week off? He might sign over sole custody to you. He might not. My wife did, though she was really off the rails.

One of you biggest complaints is his drinking. You placed a boundary (poured it down the drain), and H has not crossed that line in the sand. That’s only been a few days, and I’m thinking he will test your resolve at some point. However, my point is that I think you expected him not to respect your boundary. Unmet expectations, even if the outcome is positive or favourable, brings about resentment.

Before completely upsetting the apple cart, speak to a lawyer. Ensure you know the best, worst, and most likely scenarios of outcome in all this. Knowledge is power.

I do like Kind’s thief analogy. Yes, draw a line on disrespectful behaviour and how you are to be treated. That applies beyond one’s spouse; it applies to everyone you interact with. That is a boundary.

How one holds themselves and others accountable, how one embraces and faces responsibility, and a host of other characteristics and values. You, my dear Patt, are a success.

MLC is emotionally driven. H’s path, progress, or lack thereof, has little to do with you. It’s been eight months, and no way H come out of his fog that quickly. You do see signs every now and then, yet mostly just that brooding teen. All pretty standard for a crisis.

Our problems arises when we overlay our ideas and expectations. For H will not respond logically or rationally. He will respond emotionally. And that is why it takes so very long for him to find his way, as his emotions are all over the place. Even though his emotions are mostly hidden, they are consuming and always pushing. Remember, he is cranked to eleven.

Running is them trying to run from themselves. Some drink, do drugs, spend money. H sits alone and broods. Doesn’t even brush his teeth.

His journey is not about you. So don’t make it so.

You’ve found indifference. Now find Pattnee. Your convictions. Your journey. A great opportunity while the noise of H is muted.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks DnJ always love your insight. H does see the kids almost daily, mainly for school runs and after school when I work, sport weekends, usually only if there’s an “errand” of some sort. Certainly no “fun” things. He took S12 for an ice cream the other day so that was good. S12 loves spending time with him. We can’t do the 50/50 because of where he lives so there’s no overnights with dad. Another reason why I am moving toward the splitting of everything and going our seperate ways with a proper arrangement in place where there’s a schedule for the kids. So s12 doesn’t keep asking when he’s seeing dad.
I’ve gotten a lot of legal advice lately which is good and where my current mindset is coming from. Initially they were emotion driven responses you know the ones where he’s gotten angry or done something and I throw up my hands and say in my mind “ right I’m done “. That was a few months back. The last month or so since I feel I have let go of everything and H I feel it’s a deeper feeling now. It’s one from more clarity. Less about me and how I feel and more about what’s best for the kids and me, what’s best for my future and what I deserve. And maybe it’s what’s best for H. Maybe his life is just a bit too easy right now to be cushy as he hasn’t felt the full impact of being separated as he’s still so involved in our lives.
Regardless it’s now a daily thought a daily plan something that I feel is needed despite how hard and painful it will be. I know H and he would happily coast in comfort zone for years and years if he could. That’s not a life I see for myself. I remember early on in the piece when I first joined the lovely Steve said something about a drop date. I always had it in the back of my head that I would give it a year give him what he asked for a year before I move along. By no means am I feeling that pressure but it is something that creeps in to my mind. I’m proud of myself for a year. I can walk away with my head held high that I tried, and there comes a time where we have to let go. Not because we don’t see it working or a future ( because I do, I can still imagine growing old with H if he emerges from his current MLC regardless of what form he is in and what changes have occurred because I know they are never the same) but I am feeling I am letting go and walking away because there comes a time when you do have to stop the chase for the bare minimum. And I deserve better I really do. One thing I’ve really come to realise is I want H but I definitely don’t need him. I feel sorry for him alot, he has a hard slog ahead of him and chosen to do it alone.The “going through the motion” can’t be a great feeling in life.


DnJ you said it perfectly and a lot of where I am sitting now. I have muted him and love it. My main focus is me and the kids and what’s best for me and the kids and what our future holds and I am excited for it. I am excited to step forward without the financial burden of H shadow and make decisions for me and the kids, spoil them, have fun, enjoy life because it is so precious, and leaving H behind seeing as he doesn’t want to come for the ride.

I’m excited. I’m so very excited. Scared? Yes, nervous? Yes. Just because I’m moving this way I don’t feel like I can’t still be that lighthouse. Just because I am moving forward doesn’t mean deep down I don’t still feel that if the pieces fall in place correctly that reconciliation isn’t possible. As I said I won’t be filing for divorce. We have to wait here for that. This is all just legal separation agreements and child custody arrangements and splitting our financials for now. It still is a big step away from eachother but just maybe H needs to move away from me completely to see what he once had and lost.

Thanks for everything you say and do on here. Hopefully one day in the next year or two I can be a Vet and help whoever has gone through this.
Can I also just say there needs to be wayyyyy more exposure around MLC in this world. I always thought it was a Hollywood gimmick.

[Card29]

That which one focuses on becomes larger.

I just wrote this on a sticky note and put it on my work monitor.

Pattnee, your journey is inspirational, and I'm very happy for you that you found this community. I also agree about MLC, I thought it just meant you bought a sports car or something. And maybe that is for some people, others it's something much more painful. Keep the focus on you and the kids

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Can I also just say there needs to be wayyyyy more exposure around MLC in this world. I always thought it was a Hollywood gimmick.

I also agree about MLC, I thought it just meant you bought a sports car or something. And maybe that is for some people, others it's something much more painful.

I agree. Before BD, I had the typical “Hollywood” view of a midlife crisis: guy buy a sports car, and so on. I had no idea of the truth of a crisis, until XW was consumed by it. Having a front row seat to such a spectacle, to such a desperate and damaging decent, is both incredible and rather frightening.

I’m excited. I’m so very excited. Scared? Yes, nervous? Yes. Just because I’m moving this way I don’t feel like I can’t still be that lighthouse. Just because I am moving forward doesn’t mean deep down I don’t still feel that if the pieces fall in place correctly that reconciliation isn’t possible. As I said I won’t be filing for divorce. We have to wait here for that. This is all just legal separation agreements and child custody arrangements and splitting our financials for now. It still is a big step away from each other but just maybe H needs to move away from me completely to see what he once had and lost.

Well said.

And yes, you can be the lighthouse. For a lighthouse just is. It shines. It matters not if the ship follows or not, we still shine. We still are ourselves.

…more clarity. Less about me and how I feel and more about what’s best for the kids and me, what’s best for my future and what I deserve. And maybe it’s what’s best for H.

Agreed.

Hopefully one day in the next year or two I can be a Vet and help whoever has gone through this.

My dear, you have much hard-earned wisdom, and are already helping others in your postings and in reaching out to them. I’ve no doubt that on your journey forward things will just become better and better.

And thank you for the acknowledgement and kind words.

D