A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

I had a realisation today. For quite a few weeks now I have lost that feeling of “hanging” waiting for the phone to ping with a message from H. A connection of some sort. I would wait all day hoping for a message and when it came would read it hoping for something. Anything. An emoji a connection. Or hoping we crossed paths

I realised today as I busied myself with work that I no longer wait for that. I actually had multiple messages from him that I hadn’t even seen. When I finally read them it was his detailed account of what he planned to do all day and night. 🤷🏼‍♀️goodness knows why he bothers to give me a running commentary. Safe to say I didn’t even acknowledge it. I think this realisation today that I no longer have that longing feeling for the connection was really good for me. I don’t need to really know what he’s doing or his dinner plans 😂 he is a very VERY lonely man. He has nobody around, no friends no family around or in the same state. He has lived here for 20 years and made no real new friends or the ones he did he has lost all connection with since stating his “work from home” job
. I do feel really sorry for him now. How horrible it must be, but boy it feels good not to have that desire to reach out and message or wait for a response

I never believed you vets when you said it gets easier and you get to this point. I remember reading DR in April while recovering from surgery and those early posts just after that boy was I a mess. I thought I was GAL but I wasn’t, I thought I was detaching but I was clinging for dear life. I did so many wrongs and never thought I could get through.
It’s nice to come through the storm and see glimmers of clear skies. Although I still have many storms to get through still to come, I feel in such a better position to tackle anything. H has lost all capabilities of getting help I think. He is a very lost man buried in MLC.
I don’t think I ever would have done anything about his drinking pre BD. I just put up with it, tolerated it and even made excuses for it. I now see how much that wore me down and made me such a weak person. What an absolute eye opener.

I must say, going to the gym multiple times a week, walking the dog and getting the miles in her little paws has been my absolute saviour. I feel so good within myself ( I was always a very fit and active person but I’m finding ways to make myself better. ) but as a whole I feel I am finding myself that I had lost so long ago.
I do laugh that as I get better, happier, dressing up more on weekends, putting makeup on again, getting my hair done, smiling, socialising with lots of friends, H gets worse (heavier in the midsection from drinking, looks disheveled , vacant, slobby in sweats). Is it bad to actually be slightly happy to see this? Almost like revenge for all those hurtful words.

I can honestly now say that DB does work, but not necessarily to get H back ( because that story hasn’t been written yet) but it works to get yourself back together, to feel better and start to heal your own heart.

[Pattnee5]

Also the drinking around home has stopped. Cupboards have been emptied. The “gaming “ around me has stopped too. He seems to do it before I get home from work and disappears before I get home. He’s now started re -doing all the household chores again though ( the same ones he whined about). I’m not saying anything. Takes my load off 😂😂😂this guy has gone nuts

It’s so nice coming home to none of that. Although it’s only been a few days.
Filled up my weekend again with plans, birthdays, catch-ups lots of kid involvement.
I’m still on the fence if I bring up “ the talk” of proper legal separation finances house sale etc. A small part of me is still holding on to if I’m making the move too soon. We are coming up to almost 9 months since BD I don’t want this dragging out but at the same time that’s pretty final for me. House sale, split finances i am done then( there’s no other feesable scenario that works and I don’t want him holding me financially Randsom I’ve seen other friends go through it and it was hell)
Life begins at 40 right? 😉
Why the heck won’t he just do it already. I keep thinking of DnJ words. Doing nothing is still doing something. For now I’m just holding steady but I think In the next week or two I’ll say something.

[Pattnee5]

Sorry I double posted ( somehow) don’t know how to delete it

[Card29]

I’m very happy to hear you’ve reached some days where you dont hang on his every word and message. I remember that from my first D. Liberating, a feeling of letting go and being okay with it. Dont get discouraged if they come back. It’s a yoyo but it will eventually keep moving to the good side.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Card I have reached every day now being like that. It only took a few stern words from the vets. I finally let the rope go about a month ago ( 3 months of doing the wrong kinds of DB)
I remember there yoyo too. The false hope, the moments of thinking they turned the corner only to have it snatched away.
Oh boy I don’t miss those days anymore. I only just realised this week that I no longer hang on those messages like I used to. Very liberating letting the rope go.
It only took a few 2x4 from Kind to make me realise I was being absolutely silly.

[MA1970]

Ahh, Pattnee, even dropping the rope , the craziness continues. I'm having daily messages with links to music that was "our playlists" with twee comments about all the wonderful memories!! I'm largely just not responding. The rope dropping allows me to not get caught up in emotions but suspect H is now where I was 3 months ago. Karma is a wonderful thing!!

Glad you're doing so well. It's a good feeling to drop all that overanalysing, expectation and intense emotion. Just recognising thoughts as thoughts that will change over time.

[Pattnee5]

Karma really is the best. I hope to one day be able to say the same thing. I’m def not caught up in his emotions anymore. Working on building my courage now to have the talk and come up with the right words that also don’t make it seem like this has been my call or decision but also taking out his procrastination. A quick summary is at the moment I’m still in the house with the kids we still share all finances etc. H has borrowed money from his parents for his lawyer apparently ( but I suspect he’s also using that to feel independence and burn it on other things like his trip or drinking) no issue to be as it’s not our money. Me however I do feel a bit trapped living like this. I can’t really plan anything any holidays or anything without him obviously then making comments like “my money” etc. So as discussed with legal the best thing is to rip off the Band-Aid make a clean cut, sell and split assets and move forward with my life. I was sort of torn about sitting down and saying let’s finalise this because I didn’t want him to use the whole “you were the one who decided to sell the house and be done “ down the track even though he is the one who walked out.

So I’ve been brainstorming some ways to initiate this chat. I was thinking of maybe starting a bit with a Hail Mary “ it’s coming up to almost a year now and I have really tried everything to save our marriage because you know I love you very much and have done alot of work on myself over that time. However this current situation is not working the living arrangements and the comings and goings is not working for me or for the kids.while you may be comfortable with this scenario I am not and the time has come to decide how we move forward. You know how I feel and I want to work together with you to hopefully rebuild our marriage and save it and I truly believe in my heart if we both work together we can. However actions do also speak louder than words and you have not shown any actions towards wanting to repair us, rather shift blame to me and walk away. So I think you now need to decide what you want to do. You have had time and space on your own and now you need to decide if we come back together and do the work we both need to, or else we continue with what you proposed and separate and do it properly whereby we can both move on with our lives and only converse regarding the kids and in this case the best option for everyone and for me emotionally to move forward from our life together will be to split everything now and go our seperate ways”

Now bear with me the wording may be way off and this may be coming against any DB principles. But I need to think about how to say it better but this way I feel I am throwing one more Hail Mary ( even though we all know he knows how I feel) and give him the option to choose. And in which case it’s black or white there’s no grey middle ground blurred like now.

I feel really good about doing this. I feel both options I will be happy with although option 2 is a far easier option for me as option 1 will take a lot of work on his end. I don’t think he has it in him yet, or possibly ever. He’s a procrastinator. I think he will hate the “selling house” part he has made a comment of “ I don’t want to be that dad that leaves the kids homeless” but when he said that I thought in my mind “ well you’re the dad leaving everything and not doing the work on anything so you have to take responsibilities for your actions” but I bit my tongue that day. I am scared my real thoughts and feelings will come all out once this discussion happens and I will unleash on him. I need to work myself up

Anyway any thoughts about my approach is appreciated. I know deep down even going our seperate ways and financials etc that who knows if we come back together later on but I just don’t think I have it in me to live in limbo and put my life on hold anymore. It’s been a rough 8 months. I need to get myself back together and heal my heart on my own and get my own stability and security now

So any advice on wording and if this is an ok approach and any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
I have so many plans to GaL after this is done which I’m so excited about but am still blocked in limbo now which I know has to change

[Kind18]

Hi Pattnee.

Hail Marys never work. Like ever.

Anyone who is giving their walk away spouse a last chance to suddenly change his/her mind, by definition, is not detached.

it’s coming up to almost a year now and I have really tried everything to save our marriage because you know I love you very much and have done alot of work on myself over that time. However this current situation is not working the living arrangements and the comings and goings is not working for me or for the kids.while you may be comfortable with this scenario I am not and the time has come to decide how we move forward. You know how I feel and I want to work together with you to hopefully rebuild our marriage and save it and I truly believe in my heart if we both work together we can. However actions do also speak louder than words and you have not shown any actions towards wanting to repair us, rather shift blame to me and walk away. So I think you now need to decide what you want to do. You have had time and space on your own and now you need to decide if we come back together and do the work we both need to, or else we continue with what you proposed and separate and do it properly whereby we can both move on with our lives and only converse regarding the kids and in this case the best option for everyone and for me emotionally to move forward from our life together will be to split everything now and go our seperate ways.

Let me go through this step by step.

- He knows it’s been a year, doesn’t need you telling him. He’ll see that as pressure/manipulation.
- Why tell him you love him? He knows that. You’ve said it a thousand times. Every time you say it, he loses more respect for you.
- “Time for you to decide” = manipulation
- “Save our marriage … I believe we can.” - No, you can’t. Because he doesn’t want to. It requires two people to want it.
- “You need to decide.” - More manipulation. Plus, it screams “I’m still going to let you keep doing this until you decide.”

I’m sorry, but this carefully crafted message of pressure simply won’t work - and is counter to DB principles.

No-one ever talked their partner out of divorce - you can only act your way out of it.

You need to think of him like a dog with a ball. Give him the ball, walk away and within five minutes he’ll be completely disinterested - because it’s his, at any time, and he knows it. But chase him around trying to take the ball off him, or put another dog who wants that same ball in the yard, suddenly he’ll want it more than all the other dog toys in the world. I’m not advocating this because it’s still manipulation, but you’d be ten times more likely to win him back by dressing provocatively and going on a date with another man than sending some ultimatum message. Talk to R2C about this and read the art of seduction.

If you’re at the end of your tether and want to move on - then you file. If you want him to initiate, then you keep eating sh*t sandwiches in silence. It’s really that simple. I’ll say it again just for effect - no-one ever saved their marriage by pressuring or manipulating their spouse with words. Actions - actions - actions.

If you decide it’s game over and you want to move on with your life, then do it. Your long message above can be shortened - perhaps something like this:

One year ago, you decided to end our marriage and family. I’m sick of waiting for you to file and living in limbo, so I’ve emailed my lawyer and you will be served on Monday. No hard feelings wish you all the best - Pattnee.

Send that or send nothing.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind much appreciated for this advice. I can def see it from your way now. I never thought of that. Yep I know it can’t be saved, I know he doesn’t want to save it.I actually am unsure I even want to go down that path of trying to save it anymore. I guess I was just trying to get out of feeling guilty for calling it game over. I actually don’t even want to give him a last chance I just wanted him to say “ nope I’m done” so I can say “right let’s finalise” 😂😂 yep manipulation all right Sheesh I didn’t see that

I like your message. Sounds perfect and how I feel really. I’m done eating [censored] sandwiches. I’m done waiting for someone who isn’t prepared to do the work and just procrastinated and I’m done living in limbo. I’m just done I can see my life so much better without this H around and the drinking issue is my biggest thing, for me and the kids. It’s solidified it for me
So why am I finding it so hard to formalise it and feel like I am the one dropping bombs and guilty for not being that darn lighthouse 😢😢 I’m done being walked all over and playing this game to be honest.
Courage is not great. I am contacting a realestate agent though to have a chat and get some valuations. I wish I was stronger with my courage.

[Kind18]

You know why some people are courageous? Because they had to be. Necessity is the mother of invention. We aren’t born with it - it’s a learned skill.

Perhaps, in 5 years when someone asks you about your divorce, you’ll say “It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me because it forced me to learn how to be courageous.”

Go buy some new perfume, some new sexy clothes, go out late and make him watch the kids.

And as for being courageous…. What are you scared of, exactly? Are you scared if you do something wrong you’ll end up divorced?!?!! 🤣🤣🤣

He’s already told you that’s what he’s doing, so you have absolutely nothing to lose. It’s easy to be courageous when you realise there’s nothing on the line 🤷‍♂️