A new issue for me

[tadpole1025]

Hey everyone.

I told myself that I wouldn't post here anymore, but here I am. I've been posting here since early 2011. It's been a very long time. I'm sure you can find my story if you dig around the site.

So, I have four sons. They all live here in Arizona. I don't have a relationship with son #1. He avoids everyone like the plague. Son #2 has told me that he wants to move to Michigan in a few months. Son #4 is thinking about moving to California. I also found out that XW may be moving to Ohio. Even this bothers me. Don't ask me why, because I don't know the answer.

I'm 55 years old and spend most of my time working or at home with my two cats who I adore. I will occasionally see a movie, but that's it. I don't have a social life. I talk to people more on Facebook than people in "real-life." A lot of them, I've never met. A lot of them are friends because we met online through our common love of Bald Eagles. Others are former listeners or coworkers of mine from my radio days. I also don't have much money and live paycheck to paycheck. Other than a very little in my 401k, I have nothing saved.

The problem is, and it has been eating at me, I'm now suddenly scared to be alone as I get older. I'm scared of needing help and not being able to get it. Again, money isn't great and I'm not in the best of health. I have Diabetes, Heart Disease and have a little extra weight. Up until my early 40s, when everything exploded, I was a nationally known, award-winning country music radio disc jockey. Now I'm extremely shy and avoid people and really have no friends other than people that I see at work. I do have one female friend that I see occasionally. She is married and the three of us will have dinner from time to time. My sons live across town about 20 miles away. They have their own lives and I see them 4-5 times a year. I have a relationship with them, but I wouldn't call us extremely close.

As time went by after the divorce, I actually liked my time alone and still do, but I've got this fear of really, REALLY being alone and having nobody.

Does anyone have anything to suggest? I mean, I could go on a dating site and HOPE to meet someone and fall in love, but I'm not really sure I want to do that. I'm not looking for "love", but I don't want to be alone in this world with nobody. I do have a brother, but I don't see him because he is a drug addict and has had many run-ins with the law.

I'm just worried and scared.

Any suggestions? I really could use some help.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Last we spoke Piper and Jack were but kittens. How are the wee rascals?

The problem is, and it has been eating at me, I'm now suddenly scared to be alone as I get older. I'm scared of needing help and not being able to get it.

I've got this fear of really, REALLY being alone and having nobody.

I'm just worried and scared.

Fear


I do understand the limited social outgoing. And the Covid years certainly didn’t foster changing that.

I’m also 55, and retired, so my daily seeing of folks has diminished very drastically. I live alone by myself with my two outside dogs. I’ll pass on some ideas, suggestions, etc. and let’s see if any of them resonate with you.

My BD was, in another month, six years ago. Separation was two months later. Divorce filed by XW one year after that. The kids moved out over the few years post BD. One by one, the house got quieter and quieter. It’s kind of startling from a house of six,- me, W, and four kids - and W’s daycare business; going from all that bustle for a couple of decades, to just me living solo.

Overcoming fear requires understand it. Rationalizing it. I find fear, at its root, is about the imaged possible pain or hurt to one’s self. A imaged future outcome. It doesn’t even need to be plausible or probable. For example, I’m scared of spiders, not because of them being spiders, rather because I imagine one bitting me. Then the neurotoxins and cytotoxins immobilizing my nervous system and starting to break down my tissue for the spider’s ingesting. Likewise for the dark. It’s not being in the dark, it’s being hurt by whatever is lurking in the dark. It’s irrational. Spiders more often than not would not crawl upon me, never mind bite me. Ah, such is fear.

Fear of being alone. At its root, is what? One getting hurt. Languishing in pain with no one knowing about it or coming by to alleviate it. Now, my house has three floors and a basement. If I fall down a staircase, and get a serious injury, I’m likely to be lying there for quite some time before someone would find me. I do understand and empathize with the: what if; what could happen; and it sure would nice not to be alone; type thinking.

So some ideas and ways of looking at things and life.

If you notice, “I live by myself” instead of “I live alone”. Alone conjures feelings of unaided and no help. And sounds more beyond our control. By myself sounds more like a choice, a decided life choice rather than a thrust upon us outcome. It fosters embracing this stage of life.

Our minds are always listening, and crafting our reality. Word choices matter. We can directly control our thoughts, actions, and reactions. Thus directly control how we think or frame an idea, and the wording we utilize. This in turn influences our emotions and beliefs. The non rational side of ourselves. The very realm where fear lives. Therefore, we can utilize our control to influence our fear. To cut those irrational ties between event and imagined outcome.

A nice stroll looking at the stars in the inky blackness of night is not frightening. Yet, if one had a high fear response to darkness, not much stargazing would happen.

Of course, risk still exists. Fearless does not remove dangerous. I might not be afraid of the dark, yet I don’t go running around in the woods at night with meat tied around my neck trying to attract bears. That’s just dangerous and risky.

Speaking of risk. On all the four floors of my house I have a phone. And I usually have my cell phone too. Any fall, unlikely as that may be, and I can probably call for help. This is a premeditated action to mitigate furthering any injury. A rational control instead of worry and fear.

As I’m getting older, I more and more realize that health is definitely taken for granted. As I slow a bit, can’t run like I used to, and so on and so on, yep no one here to look after dear old DnJ. …. Nope! Not true! I see a person every morning in the mirror. I am really the only one who is responsible for me and my health. Mental, emotional, and physical health. If I don’t do something positive about it, then that’s on me; and I will have my consequences. If I do positive things, I will reap the their benefits.

Does anyone have anything to suggest?

I agree, dating is not the answer.

Go out. Walk. Good for weight control. May even meet some folks face to face. And exercise is positive for your health. All aspects of it.

Keep your diabetes under control.

Foster a better relationship with your sons. This will take work. And no time like the present to start, don’t put it off. Just take small steps.

Talk to your kids regularly. If they haven’t heard from you in a while, they would likely wonder what’s up.

Enrol in one of those monitoring apps for your phone. AndrewP spoke highly of Life360. Your third son would likely be receptive to getting an alert if some emergency were to happen.

Depending upon how your health and mobility is, a monitoring service is also available. Those necklaces or bracelets people wear and can press in times of need. Most likely a few years off, yet could certainly stave off some fear in knowing someone is listening if you need to call for help.

See, or contact, your brother. Make peace with him. Granted this may be difficult if his life situation is too out of line with your’s. You definitely need to know your boundaries. Maybe this starts out as a simple reach out at Christmas with a card.

Realize you live by yourself, and do have people in your life.

Untangle the fear and it’s ensnaring tentacles. Fear paralyzes one. Fear creates a feedback upon itself. A feeling. A feeling that would be fleeting, if not for being reenforced by our non rational worry over a future possibility. Uncouple event/trigger from imagined outcome from the feeling of dread, and fear abates.

To be sure, this is a battle. Yet you are not weaponless in this. You have logic and reason. You have sword and shield of the rational. Cleave the irrational ties and deflect the fearful reinforcements. In time, with its feedback lessened, fear withers and fades. Keep you sword sharp, and your shield bright and broad.

Hope your Sunday is going well.

D

[tadpole1025]

Hey DnJ.

Piper and Jazz are doing great. They are the sweetest little girls. Next month, will be four years since I adopted them. I can't imagine my life without them.

Saying I live by MYSELF does sound better than saying I'm alone.

As for my sons, the relationship is good with 3/4 of them. I guess I could try to talk to them more. I'd like to get together with them more often, but like I said, they have their own lives with jobs, friends, kids, significant others...

I too had a house of six with me, wife, four sons, our friends, friends of my sons and members of my sons band always in and out. My house was a regular grand central station. There was always something going on. And to be honest, I still miss it. (The holidays are the worst as my XW always made them spectacular. Now, it's usually just me having dinner at Denny's or working. My boys usually go to her place.)

It surely is a battle like you said. Let me get more specific about the fears.

I fear that if I had to spend time in the hospital, who would take care of the kitties?

My XW promised a while back that if anything happened to me, she would take the kitties until she could find a good home for them. If she moves out of state, what happens then?

Yes, my world revolves around the cats.

What if I can't work and can't pay my bills?

I also fear road trips and breaking down and being stranded. (Another reason why I don't leave home very often.)

I know some of the fears may sound foolish, but the fact is, they are real. It is something that I can't help. They are there and I live with them every day.

Sometimes I think that there really is something wrong with me.

I was not raised in a religious household, but have read the Bible many times as an adult. It helped a lot when my grandmother was dying. Maybe a church could be some help?

You do bring up some good points about words, thoughts and actions. I still do tend to worry though. It's almost crippling.

I do wonder if this is part of getting old, getting old by myself or being an empty nester with no partner.

I'm going to wait on contacting my brother. (It's complicated.)

Anyways, I do appreciate your thoughts.

Tad.

[Gerda]

Tadpole!!! I am in a rush but just saw your post. I'm like you, I plan never to post or even visit but sometimes I need a hug from those who understand, DnJ and Job especially! And always wonder about those I used to know here. I need to update my own thread but never have time to really sit down and do it.

I just wanted to say something briefly and will add more later --

Yes, there is something wrong. Something very wrong! YOU NEED COMMUNITY! I was thinking as I read your first post, this man needs a church community! So I was very happy when I saw you yourself bring up the bible in your second post. While we need to be happy by ourselves, as DnJ is and says, we need community. Which DnJ has! He just road tripped with his mama and his kids are around all the time. He is right about building relationship with your sons, they must be upset about something that happened or feel unable to connect for some reason, but most of us want to have a connection with our parents. We are not built to be alone and only in America would anyone think it's normal.

I also think that if you were this totally other person before, and I mean REALLY other, famous, DJ, really into music and seeing music, etc., there is something wrong in your heart. It's grief! Do you not love music anymore? Could you get involved with the country music scene again in some way? Could you combine it with something you could do to serve others, so you will get outside yourself and not think so much about your own "shortcomings"? For example, could you offer to do a country music hour at a nearby nursing home?

And about the diabetes and other health issues -- did you know that these are DEFINITELY impacting your mood and even your perspective on life? Diabetes can even worsen as a response to stress! Read the book, The Body Keeps the Score. I wonder if your health conditions are much increased by the trauma you experienced and perhaps have not worked through. Are you exercising and trying to eat more vegetables as a start? Exercising can be going for 10 minutes walk every other day for a week, then 15 minutes every other day for a week, then 20, etc. Can you join a local walking group? Or offer to take your elderly neighbor's dog for a walk a few times a week?

And I also wanted to know this -- if you had no ties to the place you live, and you could live anywhere, where would it be? Would you be up for tiny house living? Would you travel if your kitties could come along (e.g., RV).

I will write more later, Tadpole. I always found your posts to be very insightful and wise but also to sense so much unfinished sadness in you.

Hey, for now, read Psalm 34 and Psalm 25. Read them out loud, even to your kitties. Imagine what God would think if he could hear you. (Which he can.)

(((((TADPOLE)))))))))

[tadpole1025]

Hi Gerda! Thanks for the response. Like you, I seem to come back here if I need a hug.

I've looked into a few churches recently. I haven't decided on one, but will give it some more thought.

He is right about building relationship with your sons, they must be upset about something that happened or feel unable to connect for some reason, but most of us want to have a connection with our parents.

I do have a relationship with 3/4 of them. We just don't get to see each other as often as I'd like. They will message me once a week or so to check in, I'd just like to get together more often than we do.

I also think that if you were this totally other person before, and I mean REALLY other, famous, DJ, really into music and seeing music, etc., there is something wrong in your heart. It's grief! Do you not love music anymore?

I do love music, but I'm a rocker at heart. I'm a big KISS fan and love a lot of the music from the 80's. I haven't listened to country music since my divorce and the end of my radio career. Country music was so depressing and I couldn't listen to it with everything going on. I wouldn't listen to any radio/music for the longest time.

And about the diabetes and other health issues -- did you know that these are DEFINITELY impacting your mood and even your perspective on life?

I believe this. There are some days that I don't even want to get out of bed, but have to because I have to go to work. I've wondered lately if I am slowly becoming depressed again. I will look for the book that you suggested. As for eating right and exercising, I don't do it as much as I should.

And I also wanted to know this -- if you had no ties to the place you live, and you could live anywhere, where would it be? Would you be up for tiny house living? Would you travel if your kitties could come along (e.g., RV).

Hmmm...this is easy. I have an amazing love affair with the Pacific Ocean. I don't know how to explain it, I've just always been drawn to it. When I was growing up, I lived in Monterey, California. (That's actually where I met XW.) I could see the sea from my bedroom window. As a kid, I read books by Jacques Cousteau. I've always considered him to be one of my heroes...the way he would talk about the sea and the creatures in it. So...to answer the question, if I could live anywhere, it would be near the sea in the Pacific Northwest.

Tiny house living? Absolutely. I think you are talking about the tiny houses I've seen on tv? Yeah, I could do that.

As for traveling in an RV with my kitty cats...no I couldn't do that even if I had plenty of money. Again, I have a terrible fear of being stranded. I never had that fear until I got divorced. I know it may seem foolish, but it is what it is.

I will read the Psalms that you suggested.

Thank you for the response.

Tad

[Gerda]

I just ran back on here to correct the psalm I wrote, I meant Psalm 69 and 25, not psalm 34 and 25! I mean, every psalm is amazing, esp when you are sad, but psalm 34 is not the one I would recommend for how you feel right now!

More on the rest later....

[tadpole1025]

Haha. Ok. Thanks.

[job]

Tad,

DnJ and Gerda have given you good advice. I would also suggest that you join a group. You love to take photos and then are great. Is there a photography group in your area? Think about the things that you love to do during your down time, minus loving on your kitties.

Talk to your son that is still living in the area. Share your fears with him and I would definitely think about getting the app that Andrew mentioned or one like it.

It's time for you to dip your toe in the unknown and reach out just a wee bit. I get it that you are hesitant to reach out, but in order to have the community wrap its arms around you, you have to reach out a bit.

Fear has a way of keeping us frozen. Don't allow fear to keep you from enjoying your life. Your kitties love you to bits, but you also need human interactions. Here's a thought...have you thought about joining a cat rescue group? You have such a huge heart and feed the strays in your area, this might be one way to give back for all the love your precious babies give you.

Just some food for thought. If you want to bounce ideas off me, you know where to find me.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job.

As for photography, I do plan to get out once the weather is cooler. Not sure if there are groups in the area or not.

I will talk to my son and look into the app.

I love your idea about the kitty cat rescue group too.

The lady friend that I have dinner with occasionally also suggested a birding group. I'm seriously considering joining the Audubon Society. They have a couple of chapters in the Phoenix area. That would get me interacting with people while enjoying my love of birds.

I'll post an update once I get the courage to do something.

Tad

[DnJ]

Good Morning tad

I love the birding group and cat rescue group ideas. You should definitely join a local chapter of the Audubon Society.

once I get the courage to do something.

It’s not so much finding your courage, it’s more letting go the fear. It’s that first step. And it can be a scary one. Interesting thing about courage and strength and such. One finds it in the most unlikely places.

One may pray for courage and wonder why they don’t feel any stronger or more courageous. Wonder why God has not helped. Thing is, God does answer. We all have free will, and God will not just reach inside and adjust us. He provides opportunities for us to be courageous. Opportunities to grow. Opportunities to become.

The courage, is already within you. Like a seed, it just needs a little nurturing to flourish. After all, the grass isn’t greenest on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where one waters it. Nurture you.

It surely is a battle like you said. Let me get more specific about the fears.

I fear that if I had to spend time in the hospital, who would take care of the kitties?

My XW promised a while back that if anything happened to me, she would take the kitties until she could find a good home for them. If she moves out of state, what happens then?

Yes, my world revolves around the cats.

What if I can't work and can't pay my bills?

I also fear road trips and breaking down and being stranded. (Another reason why I don't leave home very often.)

I know some of the fears may sound foolish, but the fact is, they are real. It is something that I can't help. They are there and I live with them every day.

Sometimes I think that there really is something wrong with me.

You know I’m a pretty big proponent of word choice. How one frames their situation has a huge affect upon their journey. The mind is always listening.

There is nothing wrong with you. “Wrong” implies you need to be “fixed” or “repaired”. That’s just not true.

You are merely struggling to find your path out of your fear. That is not an inherent wrong-ness, or even a wrong thing. It’s human. It’s some aftermath of betrayal.

I wouldn't listen to any radio/music for the longest time.

I hear that!

When my wife dropped the bomb, my world fell apart. For two years I couldn’t wouldn’t watch TV, or listen to the radio, or play CD’s or music. At the time, it was very much “couldn’t” as panic attacks were frequent, and a bunch of ongoing stress responses. Looking back, as I healed, “couldn’t” slowly morphs into “wouldn’t”. It’s realizing that, and to keep prompting myself to attempt it again.

OMG, my PTSD was so bad for two months I couldn’t/wouldn’t even press the button on the coffee maker. W was always the first one downstairs and always had the coffee on. I could get the coffee in the filter, the water in the machine, the pot under it, and… stall out. I’d break down. I cry. All the dreams, the 31 years together, the kids, our life, our dreams, all would come crashing in and around me. I’d throw the coffee out, and drain the machine.

Me pressing that button would mean me acknowledging everything that what going on. And fear is a real and palpable thing. I do not take your fears as foolish my friend. I’ve been there. I’ve been pretty low in my situation.

I recall my world was pretty grey. Dark and silent. Such is depression. I still remember when I first saw color again, when I once again heard birds sing. Oh, what a thing to experience! For such a long while the birds of course sang and it just didn’t register within me. Then one day… Well, I heard. I heard and saw the opportunity that had been in front of me all along.

Nowadays, I’ve long ago made peace with my fears. Made friends with them.

A lot of our life’s biggest journeys turn out to be counterintuitive. Fighting begets fighting. Trying (and word choice again, there is no try, do or do not. Try predisposes us to assign equally to succeed and fail. Do is to succeed. Sure, one may not reach 100% all the time, heck does not reach 100% all the time. However, going at things with a “do” mindset has a far greater success rate than a “try” mindset. Anyhow, in this sentence I mean trying and all it represents.) Trying to banish fear is not the way forward IMHO. You are struggling and have been for a good long while. Do a 180 on that. Do something different or keep trying the same old.

I found I had to come at this, and lots of facets of life, a bit more sideways. Instead of head on fighting something, get to know it, get to know why, get to understand the underlying reasons.

Rationalizing and understanding are powerful tools in our arsenal. Rationalizing something pulls it more from the jaws of our non-rational emotional non-directly-controllable realm and into our intellectual rational directly-within-our-control realm. Fear doesn’t live in intellect.

Fear lives and breathes in the non-rational. I’d use the proper wording - irrational, however folks seem to equate irrational with crazy instead of the defined not rational. Emotions are not rational. Feelings are not crazy or some such, they are just not driven from our intellect. They live and rise from our subconscious self. We can certainly influence them, yet not directly control them like thoughts. Hence, come at things sideways.

So, to make friends is to understand the underpinning of one’s fear. The part behind and beyond the rational view. Yet, we only have direct control of thought. That sword and shield. It’s interesting to get to know thy self.

Let’s take a look at the four fears/things you stated. The purpose to encourage them into the light of the rational and intellectual realm. One way to transform fear and worry is to find a contingency or plan for if things to go astray. Note, that if not when. Fear and worry are always regarding a future that may or may not happen. Once something does happen, it becomes or is thrust into an actual problem which is very much within our intellectual realm and thus becomes solvable or resolvable. Finding a solution or resolution to possible futures can help, just don’t get lost solving everything for much of what we imagine never comes to pass.

I’ve two dogs and understand the need for their care, especially if I was incapacitated. Back when I was still working I could, and did, have to spend nights at a different town. Sometimes many days and nights restoring the electrical grid. And like your cats, my dogs don’t feed themselves.

Make arrangements now, before some things befalls you. A few suggestions from the details you’ve shared. Speak to third son about this. He is still living close by, and is planning to. It also helps build that closer relationship you are after. Ask him if he would be willing to be one of your backup plans for caring for the cats.

Ask you friend, if she and/or her husband would consider lending a hand if your son was unavailable.

Also, find a local boarding service. Go see and talk to them. Just inquire as to how would you go about boarding your cats. This will lay out the mechanism on how to do it, before the need is front and center. Part of your fear is not knowing what you’d do, so look into it. Knowledge is power! And knowledge rationalizes things, and lessens the power of fear.

When XW moves out state, what happens then? She moves. That’s it. You’ve already made other arrangements and plans to care for you and your’s. She’s not involved. Son would take them or find them a home. Boarding place or vet or shelter (the one you could be volunteering at) would look after them.

I do remember you and I before discussing the reliability of your car. I don’t recall its shape. However, it’s fine to assess the risk of a car breaking down and one should take appropriate steps to mediate such foreseeable things. Tires in good shape. Engine runs fine. And so on.

The unforeseen is just that, unforeseen. Leave it there in that imagined future. Certainly have some plan in place, like carrying a cell phone. Maybe even a roadside service with one of the many providers of such.

Of the few times I’ve found myself stuck and stranded, and I did travel a lot, I had no roadside service. I just searched for a tow truck and called them. As I said, after something happens it is pulled from some imagined future into the present moment. Fear doesn’t live in the present. It is always about the future. So, that present moment’s “problem” was solved. That’s it. A visa number and some time. And an adventure to tell folks about.

Money is something lots of folks worry about. Hand wringing doesn’t find a path forward though. This is a numbers situation. Look at it that way. A calculation of numbers, not loosing your job and the imagined aftermath of that. So, (and I’m not look for you provide details by the way just talking as if you and I were sitting down together). So, how much money comes in and how much goes out? Every month, year, is there more coming in than going out? What expenses can you forgo? As in, do you know your discretionary expenses and your non discretionary expenses? Things like mortgage, rent, electricity, food (both you and cat type ) are all non discretionary examples. You have to pay those. The discretionary stuff you could go without if you had to or wanted to.

Do you have enough money saved up to afford a few months of those must pay expenses? If not, do you make enough to put aside some for such a contingency fund? Can you find enough within your discretionary spending to invest into such a just in case fund? A few months, or half a year, to find another job.

You mentioned your retirement fund is rather limited. Consider that as well. I know the getting blood out of stone to invest for retirement while inflation and the price of everything keeps rising. Still, knowledge is power. Such calculated information will give you a clear picture and options.

Looking a bit forward. And this helps with fear too. When can you, and when do you want to retire? Are you making enough in your current job? Do you like your current job? Can you see yourself changing jobs? What would happen if you did find a better paying job? Is such a course change beneficial? Perhaps your present employer has a pension plan, or insurance benefits, or some such.

I remained with my employer for 33 years. Sure there very tough times, yet there was a good pension plan I was contributing to, and I did make it to the end of that particular rainbow.

Anyhow, it’s a lot. I get that. Once the feelings of being overwhelmed flit away, it just numbers and figuring. All very logical and reasoned (keep it there). The very thing that influences fear to lessen.

Well, I best get to mowing my grass. Have an awesome day.

D