A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

Hi Pattnee. Please understand my post comes from a place of kindness, even if it’s a bit blunt.

You need to stop analysing every little action/reaction/word/conversation/event/message. Just put your walls down and stop trying to micro-manage and micro-analyse everything. If I told you it’s very unlikely that anything you do or say (or don’t do or say) will make ANY difference to the outcome here, would you drop the rope? You can’t think your way out of this.

Point 5:
Have a think back over the above interaction from HIS point of view. If you were him, at the end of all that, do you think he would be MORE likely to be attracted to you or LESS likely? IMHO, all you’ve done is affirm to him that he needs to get away from this situation. You need to be mysterious, attractive, fun and upbeat… not controlling, worried, trying to appease or punish.

Imagine this… he comes in, sees you making burgers and asks if he can stay.

You say “Actually, these burgers are sh*t and I can’t be bothered making them.” Then you call out to S12 and say “let’s go out for burgers and milkshakes, see you at the car in 10 minutes.” You say nothing to STBXH, go upstairs, put some sexy clothes on with some perfume, come downstairs and say “oh, are you still here? You can keep folding sheets like my little laundry b****, or you can come out for burgers if you want, we’re leaving in 2 minutes.”

I’ll now ask the same question again. Do you think after flipping the script he would be MORE likely to be attracted to you or LESS likely?

Point 6:
MWD says doing 180s is key. What you’ve been doing (over-analysing, controlling, worrying, projecting) hasn’t worked has it? Maybe you need to try the complete opposite.

Thanks Kind. I needed this. I am over analysing everything I don’t know why but it’s exhausting mentally and physically.

I wish I had the quick thinking wit with the your “laundry b**ch “ comment haha yep that would have been gold. But in all seriousness I see exactly what you mean about attraction and flipping the script.

Thanks Kind

[Pattnee5]

Feeling alot better the last day. I think especially after reading Kinds email was a little bit of an eye opener to my behaviour and action. (Really, Thankyou Kind). My emotions were turning me into a crazy one again it’s almost like a wake up call to how much I was overanalysing and overthinking things. I realised I am wasting ALOT of my daily energy just even thinking about things.

Had a really good chat to my Dad as well who I have so much respect for. It’s been my mum who has been my strength and who talks alot to me while I cried. Dad hasn’t said much of a bad word I think because he too went through depression a few years ago and can understand and sympathise maybe where H is at. Well yesterday he basically just said “enough already, he has ruined you for 7 months seesawing around and wasting your time and energy. Your only 41 years old you have your whole life ahead of you “ he also reminded me H is basically becoming a version of his own father which will not be a fun life to be around that’s for sure.

All sounds a bit cruel really but def helped me a lot.I do have so much love to give and fun to have in my life and feel like maybe H has been a big fat anchor for me lately.

Kids and I are in a pretty good routine now, they are happy, we are keeping busy. I am getting back to my gym this week too ( had surgery a few months ago so haven’t really been allowed to do much but walk)

H is away for work next week for two weeks. Will be a nice breather that’s for sure I think I want to try and use this time wisely for myself. I have felt exhausted with all the running around and juggling I’m doing with work and kids and home but I think alot of it is coming from me not sleeping great( mind racing).
Finding alot of comfort reading on these forums at night. Read quite a lot on MLc, and re-read that lighthouse story again.
I am trying to drill into my head Kinds words of being mysterious attractive with every interaction ( I guess he doesn’t want to see hurt destroyed me)

Thanks team. I am still keeping my head up

[Kind18]

It gets better Pattnee. It’s going to be alright, you just have to be patient.

Imagine you’ve just gone to Disneyland. Your H has climbed aboard the tallest, fastest, most unsafe and decrepit rollercoaster and it’s just pulling out of the boarding station. His carriage has started the chain lift to the top to begin the thrill ride. Let’s name that rollercoaster, I dunno, “MLC” or “Affair Partner”.

He’s calling out to to you from his carriage as he goes up the hill. Telling you it’s going to be great. He doesn’t need the safety of the ground or you.

So you start yelling at the top of your voice to him and the ride operator:
“I want to go on the ride with him!”
“Reverse the carriage back into the station!”
“I should never have agreed to come to Disneyland!”
“You’re supposed to be down here with me!”
“It’s really dangerous! You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“Accelerate the ride so it’s finished in 5 seconds, not 5 minutes!”
*Shakes fence violently*

As you scream hysterically from the ground, what effect do you think your words or actions are going to have? Will the carriage suddenly stop and reverse back in? After waiting months/years for this exciting ride, will he suddenly decide he wants to get off and stand next to you on the ground?

Absolutely nothing you do or say is going to make one bit of difference. He decided months/years ago this is what he wanted to do.

All you can do is stand there and wait for the ride to finish, and it will seem like an eternity.

And chances are, when the ride ends and his carriage finally pulls into the station, he might be so addicted he wants to go again.

And maybe, by the time the ride is finished and he wants to get off, he might find you’ve got sick of his s*** and you’re no longer there waiting for him.

That’s how this rollercoaster works. It’s just like divorce.

1. You can scream, shout, argue, beg, cry and try to control/manipulate the situation (and make zero impact) - or you can accept there’s nothing you can do to stop the ride from happening.

2. You can stand there and waste your day (your life) waiting for him to come back, or you can realise you are at Disneyland (alive on the earth) and go find a million other fun things to do.

3. Perhaps, half way around the ride, he will see you on the other side of the park, driving dodgem cars or sliding down water slides, and he’ll decide Disneyland is more fun with you than without. He sure won’t want to get off the ride if you’re still there waiting for him in a puddle of tears.

Let him take his ride. Let it all go and live your life.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind. I have been terrible at patience in my life so if I am to get anything out of all of this it’s going to be patience😂
I love this Disneyland explanation(mainly because I love Disneyland ).

But yeah I think it’s definitely sunk in now that nothing I say or do is going to change and I am certainly not to blame. This ride def does suck ALOT. But my IC asked me today when was the last time I truly laughed so much I cried or was a really happy moment that didn’t involve kids. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I have been living with a reclusive sourpus who lost all purpose or life enjoyment and sucked me into his hole with him.
It was a good session. I feel alot more balanced and calmer today. Had a good day too. Kept busy.
I must admit I did cry once and then smashed the absolute stuffing out of my pillows to vent my anger. Family keep telling me they are convinced he’s having an online affair. He told me twice looked me in the eye and said there’s nobody else. They keep mentioning it so today it boiled over and I started questioning and got quite annoyed and frustrated
Then I realised it doesn’t matter anyway anymore he is free to do what he wants he has chosen this path . Still hurts a lot the stories you make up in your head, the jealousy and sadness .
Anyway that was my only downfall in today.

Got the anger out felt great though. I am definitely going to start thinking a lot more about Disneyland now. Thanks kind I think I am really trying to work on letting it all go.

[Kind18]

He told me twice looked me in the eye and said there’s nobody else.

Mine did that too. Straight face, looked me straight in the eye and said there was no-one else.

It was a complete lie 😂

After we separated she even kept going to church every week while simultaneously having the affair 🤷‍♂️

I’d be more inclined to believe your family - they’ve proven their loyalty and trustworthy nature - he, has not.

But like you said, it makes zero difference why he’s taking this ride. His train has left the station and there’s nothing you can do to change how long that takes.

Importantly, stop asking about affairs. If he’s having one, he isn’t going to stop anyway!

Best response to your family if they won’t let up about it - “I know it’s because you care about me, but I don’t want to talk about him. It just makes it more painful and I want to look forward, not back.”

If you love Disneyland so much, why not start planning a trip to take S12 there for a holiday? You only get about 80 laps around the sun… maybe it’s time to get living! Would be a much more useful way to use your time.

[Rockon]

I am also focusing and using time well for myself and determined to enjoy a big break from W, P5. W is away for a month

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind. Yep I have started to stop wanting to talk about anything to do with H now. Like I said I have wasted so much energy and exhausted myself being dragged down by his rubbish. Now it’s my time to do me. I honestly realise whether he has or hasn’t doesn’t make any difference to the way this situation would have panned out. I realise I need to make myself whole again and put myself back together. Disneyland would be great but need to get through some of the current mess first before I fly across the world. D 14 would in no way wanna miss out either😂

Good luck Rock I hope you enjoy your time alone too. I never imagined I would have been actually looking forward to it
Last time H went away a few weeks after BD I was a mess and messaging him all the time ( getting completely ignored) what an absolute madwoman 🫣

[Pattnee5]

It’s been a bit of a crazy few days. I finally forgive myself for all my wrongdoings ( and boy did the tears flow during Ic when I made that statement). I’ve felt a lot lighter since then too. I re-read “detachment” and boy did those “letting go” statements hit home. I’ve taped them to my cupboard now and see them daily. I def had it wrong I thought letting go was not loving or caring and going all silent. I realise now it is ok to love and care and have hope but still let go. I know now he needs to choose to want this marriage and me, and not to be forced back. Honestly I was just being darn STUBBORN and trying to do it my way cycling between some DB and some grasping to nice H back. Maybe I ruined it maybe I didn’t( who really knows) I still think he was abducted by a MLC Alien and goodness knows when and even if he will return to earth.

I also realise I now need to make myself whole again. I am fun, social, an extrovert, bubbly, active, forever an optimist. I certainly have let that all slip the last 7 months since BD because I was so hyper focused on what I couldn’t control. I tell you, letting go certainly has been far easier the last few days than all the holding on I have been doing lately( boy I was white knuckle grasping)I am still being that lighthouse but now the fun loving lighthouse I once was. I don’t know why but since my “forgiving myself” stuff with the IC I feel like a huge weight was lifted. I know I’ll still cycle but my focus is me

Had some devastating news about S12 very dear childhood friend who is losing her battle with the dreaded Cancer this week. Reallly puts life into perspective when such a beautiful little life is slowly ending.
I’ve been far more relaxed crossing paths with H now, no pressure, no analysing every interaction, not really showing an interest really in trying to “get him back “ like I was trapped in that cycle. I don’t even try anymore haha maybe that’s the key. I haven’t brought up any more lawyer talk neither has he. Family tell me to instigate it and just get it all done and signed and move on. I am more of the idea that this is what he has chosen to proceed so he should be doing it instead of procrastinating. I guess I want him to be the one to live with this decision and any fallout and be the one who instigated it (may have to sell the house unfortunately).It’s just more financial separation stuff( we can’t D unless legally separated for 12 months where we live-the D word hasn’t come up even once yet)Messages are far and few between now during the day unless it’s something about the kids and I’ll certainly try and avoid next week when he’s on a business trip.

does my heart still hurt? Hell yes, I feel absolutely broken my heart absolutely shattered but the best person to piece me back together is me. Wish me luck❤️‍🩹

[Sunflyer]

Great statement. You are not a victim, and you must be tired of feeling like one.

As he proceeds with the legal stuff, don’t throw roadblocks in his way, but you don’t have to encourage it either.

Let him own it.

[Pattnee5]

Update on my end because I had a bit of a setback today in the feelings dept.

Generally have been pretty good, upbeat keeping busy, back at the gym working out, looking at planning a holiday next year with the kids and my family to Europe. Going to sit down with the lawyer again and go over every fine detail of my entitlements. H still hasn’t done or said anything but want to be sure in case I get blindsided when he finally wants to sit and go over stuff and come up with an arrangement. So generally I have been feeling okay, meditating a bit, stopped crying finally.

Today had a bit of a setback. Now I know everyone says high chance of another woman. I have been thinking lately that possibility online is quite likely or most likely via work ( H works remotely but visits client sites internationally.) so I didn’t really think he would but everyone has been drumming it into me, friends family people on this community so of course I am starting to think more. H made a comment of his upcoming business trip internationally coming up to New Orleans this week. Away for 10 days but the conference is only for 4 days and he said he’s going to have a holiday. Well there goes my alarm bells. Mind goes into overdrive but I kept my cool didn’t even flinch or make a comment and honestly haven’t even shed a tear. H is an introvert, yes loves music but was only there in Jan so 5 days alone in a city…. Yeh right. Anyway I am ok my emotions went a bit backward but then I thought “ oh good luck to her, especially with his lack of brushing his teeth and smelly breath” hahaha yep I am still grossed out by his lack of self care. D14 tonight even told him he was smelly.

Anyway despite me being annoyed at myself for not even thinking something like this is possible ( let’s be honest it’s highly likely hey despite his MLC ) but I will never know he will never admit it anyway. I think I handled it really well. Didn’t even blink an eyelid when he said it. I am more upset at myself for not being open to these things and opening my eyes. But still haven’t shed a tear over it or even the possibility. H did also confide he HATES his job and is trying to get back into his old role before the promotion 18 months ago ( ie when he spiralled and obviously led to MLc town and blowing up your whole world)

Oh well so in a way today was a bit of a pang to the chest initially but no tears no nothing. I am not even phased really. I have a lawyers meeting coming up, have a great backup plan if we need to sell the house that will see me absolutely debt free with the kids, can even start to imagine my life again with a guy who thinks the world of me and wants to travel and enjoy life with me rather than the rubbish I have put up with for the year before BD. I am finally awakening out of the fog and realise how much this had to happen. I didn’t want to live with someone who was hooked on alcohol 5 nights a week and became a detached mess. I remember thinking last year at one point how much I hated the drinking and how I can get him to etop as he’s a bad influence on the kids. I guess the universe gave me my answer.

Oh and I also decided today to get a new tattoo to symbolise my new beginning and inner strength.
Today I laughed a lot at work, I smiled heaps, I felt my energy coming back


Here is an amazing thing a family friend sent me today that absolutely lit up my whole day.

“ you don’t miss him, you will miss the idea of who you wanted him to be, the projection of who you thought he was, and the relationship and future that you planned in your head that never actually (insert rude f bomb) panned out. That’s ok once you acknowledge that you can actually move forward more effectively knowing it wasn’t about that person but rather the idea you built about them”


And the second one really hit home on how much I have been bashing myself over the head

“Don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty for the hurt they caused. Blaming the victim is what abusers do “

Have a great night DB crew