A little less lost? Pt 3

[Rockon]

“Honestly I was just being darn STUBBORN and trying to do it my way cycling between some DB and some grasping to nice H back. Maybe I ruined it maybe I didn’t( who really knows) I still think he was abducted by a MLC Alien and goodness knows when and even if he will return to earth.”

I think this statement helps me view what I have been doing and how my stubbornness gets in the way of what I really need to do. Learning along with you, P5

[Pattnee5]

Ok quick advice needed. H is leaving tomorrow for his “business trip” ( and likely meeting another woman now that my senses have kicked in) he will be away for 10 days. He did a similar massive conference in Jan about 4 weeks after BD and I was still a mess messaging him and trying to call him and he literally ghosted me alot, hardly sent photos or anything or asked about kids even though we were still living together he still had his ring on etc. anyway with this trip coming up all that hurt has resurfaced. I remember how messed I was.( didn’t even know about DR then)
Now with this trip coming up and resurfacing plus my recent revelation that there is a high chance of there being another woman which is why he is going earlier (I’m slightly hurt by this as you can tell)

I guess my question is, do I ghost him and to no contact? I think I know my answer.my gut says not to even respond if he messages( which I don’t think he will) I don’t even want to mesage him, my hurt from January is coming back in full force. Plus my imagination of him lapping it up with someone else .
The kids have their own phones so he can contact them directly rather than asking me.
Also any advice how to calm the imagination on OW? Not confirmed but you guys were right it’s highly likely. H also confessed how much he hates his current job. Typical MLC run away and quit job quit marriage

[JosephS]

My suggestion, write down in an email everything you are feeling. Everything you ever wanted to say to your husband. Write down how this has made you feel. You make that email/letter as long as you need it to be. Make sure it is absolutely perfect. Read it once last time, and delete it.

If he messages you while he's gone, you respond if you have too, otherwise surround yourself with people who love you for the first few days.

Just remember, unfortunately this isn't your first rodeo, you already went through and made it through January. You have this forum you can lean on at any point and journal on as well. You are going to make it through the next 10 days a stronger person.

And lastly, this isn't about you. This isn't because of something that happened 10 years ago. This isn't anything you did. Life is hard enough, go easy on yourself.

[Ready2Change]

... for his “business trip”....

Trust your gut. Your quotations tell me all that I need to know.

I have not seen anyone bust their divorce while a third party is involved.

Take care of you...HUGS

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Joseph and Ready. I will certainly busy myself. Joseph, I have finally accepted it wasn’t what I did or didn’t do or my past infidelity 10 years ago. I have 100% completely forgiven myself.

Some days I feel like I am living in some alternate world and think “wow did that actually happen I can’t believe it”

Ready-so true all along I thought for sure he wasn’t and ignored fellow DB advice but the sad reality is men don’t just pack up and leave without warning and without having a backup plan( especially without even wanting to work and fix things)

Thanks for the reassurance
Sometimes I just need it and a hug

[Kind18]

in trying to “get him back “ like I was trapped in that cycle. I don’t even try anymore haha maybe that’s the key.

It certainly is one of the keys to DBing. People only want what they can’t have 😉

Today had a bit of a setback. Now I know everyone says high chance of another woman.

DNJ often gives salient advice about how you need to be careful how you frame things. Your narrative and language does actually influence how you think, feel and behave.

To label this as a “setback”… is it really? From my external perspective, you’ve finally put your emotions to the side and begun to look at things more objectively and now (rather sensibly) you’re open to the possibility that someone else is involved. To me that’s actually progress, more critical thinking, less blind and naive emotion. Even if there isn’t an affair (which I highly doubt), this shift in your mindset is a positive going forward. I would hardly label it a setback. It’s going to help you move forward from being stuck (however that might look, reconciliation or otherwise).

Perhaps, if you’re interested, pick DNJ’s brain on this. He explains it much more eloquently than me, or he may chime in here.

Either way, be cognisant that your internal dialogue and language is very powerful.

can even start to imagine my life again with a guy who thinks the world of me and wants to travel and enjoy life with me rather than the rubbish I have put up with for the year before BD.

The Utopia you should actually covet is to be happy and content and fulfilled in you and you alone. Not needing external validation or love to feel loved. That’s what you should be aiming for here, not to replace him with someone else.

Ironically, once you learn to love yourself and be happy regardless of your relationship status, only then will you truly be able to have a relationship which doesn’t rely on co-dependency.

Sometimes I just need it and a hug

Yep. Been there, done that. Don’t be afraid to ask people for a hug. It’s incredibly healing. And not just a fake hug kiss-kiss BS thing that people do these days.

“Life’s really hard for me atm, can I get a hug?” And then a good 10 second squeeze with trusted people. We all need that!

I have not seen anyone bust their divorce while a third party is involved.

R2C is right once again and you should think very, very carefully about this. DBing to save the marriage when there’s an active affair going on is a monumental waste of time. You’re getting some incredibly good advice here.

Joseph, I have finally accepted it wasn’t what I did or didn’t do or my past infidelity 10 years ago. I have 100% completely forgiven myself.

This is a good step forward, but be conscious of not swinging the other way. While this site promotes rebuilding the self-worth, destroyed confidence and correcting the 100% self blame … you need to be cautious about reversing to the polar opposite of “it’s MLC, it’s affair, it’s all his fault, I was the perfect partner, this is all about him and nothing about me.”

The vets around this site will always remind you from time to time that everyone has at least some part in the demise of their own marriage. And the truth generally always lies somewhere between “it was all my fault” and “it was all their fault”.

SteveLW was great at reminding people of that, he has been a huge loss to the site.

You’re tracking well Pattnee. You’ve moved forward significantly from a month ago. And in another month, you’ll be a lot further forward than now.

Stay the course!

Oh, and keep hitting the gym. Best thing you can possibly do for your mental health. 💪💪💪

[JosephS]

Just to clarify, so there's no confusion, when I say this isn't about you, you didn't do anything, I'm referring to the potential lying and affair. It's one thing to play your part in the end of a marriage, it's a whole a different can of worms to take any responsibility for the cheating and the extra nonsense. Just my opinion.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind.I think some stern words from you a few weeks ago really opened my eyes a bit. I have had so much awesome advice and I literally had not taken it on board until recently.( I even went back and started re reading some of my older responses from you guys).
And I should have clarified I very much so am not rushing out to find a fill in H. But months ago I couldn’t even imagine life without him. I was so hyper focused on getting him back and fixing everything to how it was. Now it’s like i have come up for air. I actually am starting to love my alone time and doing my own thing my way. certainly don’t need a fill in man, but I do now know what I do deserve in a partner and someone who respect and shares my values and dreams. I really was living in a cloud with H and looking back have not enjoyed the last year or so. I was just existing and putting up with it when I deserve better. And yes I am def aware I am at fault for this breakdown we are both to blame 50/50 marriage 50/50 at fault. But for many months I have been guilty and felt blamed a lot and really hadn’t forgiven myself at all so it’s nice to finally forgive myself for my wrongdoings in my share of the issues.

It’s strange I actually look at H now and don’t even want him. I don’t know why the shift. I thought maybe it was anger but I am not angry I am so calm. But I look at him and don’t feel the same anymore. Maybe it’s seeing the version he is becoming and knowing I really don’t want that for my life. The future looks bleak with this version

Thanks Joseph I think I knew what you meant.and I am certainly not putting the blame solely on H.

Now it’s my time. You are so right Kind I think back a month and I have really shifted big. This one is going to stick. In the past I was stuck on H revolving seesaw and comings and goings. I am sitting and getting all my stuff in order while he’s away in regard to how joint custody will work, financials etc. right now since bD kids have lived with me 7 days a week for 4 months now. This is going to stop. They need a schedule and there will be days they will stay with him. I didn’t realise how burnt out I was getting doing everything to appease him and make his life easy.I need my downtime too and he needs to be a parent again( not a 17 year old)

Loving being back at the gym( I really have had a horrid ride with major surgery a month after he moved out) I feel incredibly resilient at the moment. When I think back to every blow I have copped and I keep getting up. Got a lot of good things planned the next two weeks, taking the dog for lots of walk and getting so much sunshine.

There’s nothing better than seeing a woman pick herself up and level up after H did everything he could to tear me down for 7 months. Now it’s my time to level up.

[MA1970]

It's really lovely to read this post Pattnee, keep on doing what you're doing for you!

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Ma. One day at a time I guess. I am trying to fill my thoughts with positivity as much as I can. Thinking about things like holidays, and my absolutely amazing support network of family and friends who have all gathered around me so much lately. It’s so very nice to emerge from the brain fog I was in where I was blinded by pure emotion and now can look at the perspective of all of this happening and see that it’s benefiting me immensely as a person.I feel good, lighter, finding my way again. It’s so so nice to not have to have a second person to think or worry about and I can just focus on me and the kids. Just keep swimming right