Hello everyone, first I want to say I am so very sorry for everyone going through the pain of dealing with a spouse in MLC, I feel for each one of you deeply.
I am new to this forum. My H went through MLC in 2010 till about halfway into 2013 so roughly 2 1/2 years. I got my support from a different forum back then and tried to get back in but was unsuccessful. I do no longer have my login info and contacting them did not work, nobody replied to me.
So anyway, H has been very distant since the end of last year. I finally voiced my concern in March, asked him why he was so distant, didn't talk much, very moody and no physical contact with me other than quick kiss goodbye when going to work. He kept looking at the TV saying he's been stressed and tired lately but didn't want to talk about it. The next couple days were not pretty until I realized by his actions and words that it was all too familiar with what we had already gone through a decade earlier.
I got the ILYBNILWY spreech in 2010, he never left, never had OW just a lot of wooing old classmate on Facebook and such. I went through hell and back just like pretty much everyone of you here until I finally accepted and started to detach. He slept on the couch and we lived separate lives as much as you can while living under the same roof. We still talked and took care of things and our kids were 11 and 3 at the time. I honestly can't even remember much of that time period now, I guess I blocked it out or something like that.
His brother came to live with us for a while and they got into a fight in which my H, drunk and all, pulled out his gun (not loaded) to scare his brother and his brother called the cops. Long story short, he was booked into the county jail and had to sit there until I bailed him out 5 days later because I had to get the money to make bail. We were down and out at that time because H had lost his job and I was a stay at home mom. So $1000 was a lot to come up with. I had to pawn our car.
So anyway, he had a life changing experience in jail (!!), had to make friends with some questionable characters in order to make it in there okay. My H had no previous record, never got into trouble his entire life plus he's short and skinny! I helped him getting through all the court stuff and was present at hearings which was important according to his attorney. H only had to go through an anger management class plus the days he had already "served" and he got off that way.
Timeline is a blur, like I said, but I distinctively remember him coming towards me saying "This was stupid!" and he hugged and kissed me. And believe it or not, we just left it at that and moved forward as if nothing had happened. So that was one of the biggest mistakes I made, not talking about the 2 1/2 years at all and just moving on with our lives. Now that it is happening all over again I regret that because I might have missed a chance to make sure this was never ever going to happen again. I had no idea that it even could! But here we are.... and looking back I am realizing so much that I simply brushed off and never gave it another thought. He was never quite the same again.
Now, after months of dissecting and thinking about things I am even almost convinced that he never completely finished his MLC just "paused" it if that is even possible. He does not remember anything from that time a decade ago, nothing, but he asked me recently if I remember that he had asked me for a divorce. I was baffled by that.
I have not had the "speech"/bomb drop" as of yet unless that was it when I asked him in March about him being distant, not touching me, etc. I just don't know. But, since that day, he has been falling deeper and deeper down the MLC slide until "it" was finished, he was gone, transformation complete, whatever you want to call it. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about.
At first he was still somewhat receptive, we had a talk, I told him to please not shut me out and I would be by his side if he needed me. He held my hand and said he did not want to hurt me. But of course that's exactly what he's been doing since. He's closed off now, only one time I lost it and cried and said that he will always have my heart but his eyes were weird like he could not comprehend what I had said and then he said "your face is all red". That's when I finally realized how far gone he was.
There were only a couple more times when he seemed to have a moment. He held his head and said "my brain is going crazy" and another time he was drinking and had the glorious idea to skate down to his buddy's house (he used to be into skateboarding when younger and yes he has bought himself a new skateboard and is at it again at almost 57 years old) and made a crash landing which was caught on a neighbors ring camera. Tore his rotator cuff and had to have surgery. Anyway, as I was saying, he called me because he had lost his way in the neighborhood and could not find his way home. It was night time. I told him to stay put and I would go find him and I did. That's when he grabbed my hand and said "You are MY wife!"
In the months preceding this event he had always accused me of cheating with one of my coworkers to a point where he was making things up in his head. The guy was young enough to be my son! But he got so bad with it that I was screaming at him wanting a divorce because I could not live with knowing my husband of 26 years thought I was capable of such a thing and that he obviously had no trust in me.
I do think this was also connected to MLC. There was absolutely no reason for him to believe I was cheating on him. But in his crazy head there was plenty. He even woke me up at night saying "the truth will set you free" and crap like that. I was livid. And on top of that I was struggling with my own menopausal symptoms and a teenage son going through stuff. So yes!! I am borderline crazy right now and the only thing keeping me from crossing the line is GOD helping me through all this [censored]. I am so grateful I found Him in my darkest times when the first MLC was going on.
I know this post is getting long so I will let it be for now. Please, any thoughts, anyTHING will be appreciated. I do not have much support here right now. Doing my best at doing what is advised and what I did 13 years ago, I don't talk relationship at all, no questions, no nothing, I just let him be and let him do his own thing. It seems to be working. At least there is no conflict, he even seems his normal self UNLESS he's drinking, that's when Monster comes out... he will only express his hurt and anger when he's drinking.
Thank you everyone!
Last edited by DnJ; 07/16/2312:37 AM. Reason: Removed other website reference. Added some spaces for clarity.
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry H has tumbled down the rabbit hole again a decade later.
I am pasting Cadet’s Welcome post for your reference. It has many links full of valuable information.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, do get one. A really good resource, IMHO.
You are free to post in whatever forum you feel comfortable; it doesn’t have to be in the For Newcomers section. The Midlife Crisis forum is likely a good place for your situation by the sounds of things. The traffic here can, at times, be slower than For Newcomers, however folks do read and suggest here too. If you do ever want to move your thread at some point just let me know and I can move it for you.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Now, after months of dissecting and thinking about things I am even almost convinced that he never completely finished his MLC just "paused" it if that is even possible.
Yes, that is possible.
Once a person embarks upon their crisis, they need to finish it. To see it through to completion. If their crisis gets interrupted, they’ll likely resume the crisis years later and it is usually worse the second time around. Most times, a midlife crisis more gets delayed and/or stuck in the replay/running stage from external forces. However, your H’s time in jail was a pretty big wake up call from the universe.
Still, unrealized and unresolved past issues and trauma(s) remained. H did not get to the root. And things buried alive will haunt later. To me, it sounds like H is resuming his previous crisis. Did something happen say 12-24 months ago? A trigger happens quite silently and usually goes unnoticed.
MLC is triggered by some event, say a wedding, or death, or promotion, or such; something significant to the MLCer. This event stirs/wakens past traumas from when they were young. Usually traumas from an authority figure during their younger years. These crisis folks are emotionally stunted from this time, this age. And they need to grow up from then/there.
A crisis happens around midlife since mortality is coming into view. They feel like they’ve missed out on living life. They feel they’ve been too responsible, worked too hard, raised kids, etc, etc. So they drop the bomb, destroy their life, cause lots of collateral damage, and run!
Running behaviours is the MLCers attempt at redoing their younger life. Lots start spending, drinking, doing drugs, and other illicit behaviours; anything to quash their feelings, and to feel something. The skateboarding at 57 is good example of how and when the feel they are.
Feel. A crisis is an emotional path. It will not make rational sense. A MLCer will behave illogically. They will do what they feel they want to do. It’s all about trying to alleviate/silence their pain and ceaseless torment. Realize they are consumed by their crisis. For years those unrealized demons were buried, and they will now no longer be ignored.
Of course, the MLCer does not know this. And they will argue against such. In fact, they will believe nothing is wrong and they are living their authentic life, or found their soulmate, or whatever their band-aid fix is at that moment.
Affairs are staggeringly common for a MLCer. The affair partner means nothing. They are merely a band-aid, a symptom of the crisis.
Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H’s crisis about him, not you. He is on a journey and you (thankfully) were not invited.
A MLC spouse becomes the opposite of who they once were. It will seem like an alien has taken over their body. Oddly, that is a pretty apt description of them. The alien is themselves from that long ago time - just with money, a car, an adult ID, and a really entitled attitude. Like a horribly rebellious teenager. Anything, anyone, in the way of a crisis will be mowed down.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
So yes!! I am borderline crazy right now and the only thing keeping me from crossing the line is GOD helping me through all this [censored]. I am so grateful I found Him in my darkest times when the first MLC was going on.
Breathe. Just breathe.
You are not crazy!
You are among those that understand and have walked in similar shoes. (((Hugs)))
The basic DBing for a crisis are time and space. H needs to find his way. Any pressure from you would just push him out the door faster. Give him plenty of time and space.
Focus on you and your kids. A crisis individual usually becomes self centered and really starts to lack empathy.
Work on detaching. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Let go. No relationship talks.
Stay strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ, and thanks so much for welcoming me. I joined here in April but never posted until now. I did just read a lot on here and it's very good and useful information. Whenever I get too close to the cliff, meaning losing it and wanting to blast H for causing me so much pain, I take a deep breath, walk away with my phone and read and re-read posts. I have no one close to me who truly understands the MLC dynamics and I don't share too much with people who know H too. I only go into details with my therapist. You asked if there were any triggers 12 to 24 months prior. He works in construction, has all his life, it is how he makes a living and has always supported his family. He tore his right rotator cuff while on a job in 2011 but recovered well. His shoulder held up for 10 years. I know he was in pain sometimes even though he never admitted it, he just kept going until 2021 when the pain got too intense and he finally saw his doctor. He had a shoulder replacement done and was advised to change occupation. I know that devastated him because construction is all he knows and it's all that he's ever done. He was the superintendent for a while but hated it because it was too much paperwork and stuff. He's hands on, wants to build and create. So now somebody tells him not to do that anymore! He got a driving job for a while making a lot less money. A few months later after fully recovering from the surgery he got into a maintenance tech position on the air force base here. Good, stable job but he does not like it either, wasn't happy and always got into arguments with coworkers. Then, just a few months ago, his left shoulder was bothering him, turned out it was arthritis and a small tear in that rotator cuff. Well, that tear got much larger when he had the skateboarding wipe out that I mentioned. Another trigger could have been the ongoing issues he's had with ED. It humiliated him, he hated having to pop a pill before becoming intimate. He felt like less of a man and me reassuring him did not help much. He does have a lot of pride. Another contributor could be the fact that our D, now 25, and our grandchild, 3 both are living with us. D and H do not get along well but she needs some support from us since the father is not in the picture. I am continuing to read here and my books that, ironically, I have held onto for the last decade. Don't have Michele's books but working on that. I will continue to post but I'm so busy working and taking care of things without H. Now working on getting a second job since my income doesn't cover everything. Credit card bills are mounting! H will be going back to work in a few weeks but I'm not counting on his help. He makes far more money than I do but has not been spending it wisely to say the least.
Lots of a person’s identity come from their employment. One of the first questions one asks a new person they meet is what do they do for a living. For H to need to cease his career, a lifetime of labour, one that he is proud of, would be quite a blow. The reason being shoulder injuries amplifies the “getting old” that is rattling round in his head.
There are several transitions from stage to stage during one’s life; childhood to teen, teen to adult for example. The midlife adjustment of accepting mortality, looking to retirement, kids grown and leaving, and so on, is a big one. The move from career to golden years can range from a gentle slide to all out internal fight.
We all battle transitions and changes to some extent as we resolve outstanding items and accept life’s losses. Yet for some they have such a pile of unsolved and unrealized luggage, they just don’t understand what is going on within them.
We all grieve the loss of our youth; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. A person consumed by crisis gets severely bogged down in depression and bargaining. They feel terrible and try all kinds of things to feel like their “older” younger self. A do over for what they feel they missed out on the first go around.
All H’s issues were always bubbling beneath the surface. Eventually life was going to toss a triggering event his way.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
Now working on getting a second job since my income doesn't cover everything. Credit card bills are mounting! H will be going back to work in a few weeks but I'm not counting on his help. He makes far more money than I do but has not been spending it wisely to say the least.
Watch the finances. MLCers are usually terrible with money, and can burn through a lifetime of savings.
We LBS are on two paths - the emotional/healing journey and business side of things. Keep them separate. When dealing with business type stuff, keep your emotions out of it and use your logic and reason. Speak to L to learn your rights and options. You need not enact anything, this is just for knowledge. However, if H starts to go down the rabbit hole and burning through cash, you will have a head start. Knowledge is power.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I was reading your thread, you've been here 5 years and in a place now that we can only hope to be someday, personally I mean. In the beginning each and every one of us is hanging on for dear life, hoping and praying the MLC spouse will make it through and return to us. I know that shouldn't matter, we need to grow on our own journey, and I get that but I'm emotionally not there yet. I was about 10 years ago but H came back into the marriage and now I'm almost at square one again.
I can't stop thinking about how this all happened. If H had finished his MLC back then I'm sure he would have shown some remorse. I was stupid not to talk about it and just carry on. So many things make sense now. He never asked about my wedding band, for example. Never saw his again, don't know to this day what he did with it. Realizing that he had one leg in MLC and the other one out is mind blowing to me and I feel like WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE WE DONE THESE PAST 10 YEARS. We didn't rebuild, we continued, and that's what was all wrong about it. There is little information about this and I wish there was. I have no idea what to possibly expect to come my way. He has no intention of leaving and as far as I know there is no OW, at least not in a physical sense because he's always here. He is still on medical leave at least through August. He's on his phone a lot and I know he watches porn on it and reads love stories of some kind. I stopped snooping though, it does not help me one bit. He didn't even change his password, lol.
I observe things like him checking out other women while we're out. And he hangs out with my son and his buddies when they're over, like he's one of them. The other night he had an abdominal toning builder below his chest, he's trying to get his 6pack back, he said. I almost replied maybe you should lay off the beer... but I stopped myself. It makes no sense to do one thing and cancel it out with another. He's exercising to get healthy, good, but he smokes 2 packs a day, bad! It just shows how confused they really are and the LBS shouldn't even try to make sense of all the crazy stuff they do.
I gave him my last kiss a few days ago and I'm tearing up typing this. He dropped me off at work and I always lean in for the goodbye kiss but I had been sensing that he just didn't really want to. I also told him, before that incident, that I didn't want to live like this and if he wanted a divorce I would give it to him without demanding anything because I ultimately wanted him to be happy even if it was not with me. He told me he didn't want a divorce. But who knows, he could want one tomorrow or the next day, right?! Unlike 13 years ago after BD, I haven't pressured him, no pleading, no nothing, I've stepped aside. Back then I was going insane and I did/said a lot I should not have but I didn't know any better. So this time around it's almost smooth sailing, except that I'm heartbroken and feel abandoned once again.
Life seemed good until all his health and employment issues came at us in a short period of time along with my premenopausal stuff which made me overly irritated and I'm sure I made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. Sometimes I get that feeling that God pushed the Reset button on us because he knew things were not going in the right direction so he's using all our circumstances to make us go back and revisit and possibly correct. After some time has passed I might be very grateful to Him because He saved our marriage?!
D, I'm happy you have found peace in your life and are enjoying your retirement, way to go! Talk to you soon....
Hi Love, wow this breaks my heart to hear. I too have been in your shoes except without the “initial crisis” although thinking back 9 years ago now maybe my H did have a mini crisis as he exhibited strange avoidance behaviours very similar to now. I am about 7 months in from BD and I know these feeling all too well. My H took 3 months to move out was flipping back and forward saying he’s confused unsure wanting hugs and cuddles and kisses then running for the hills. I think DnJ even threw in a “clinging boomerang “ type which was so typical. I clung to hope like a madwoman cried every day hardly slept or ate and have read every google article I think. Recently I have sort of turne a corner. H told me he is speaking to lawyers and wants to proceed, has been very standoffish and recently told me he is going for a 10 day work trip but 6 days of it s a holiday( while I’ve had the kids 7 days a week for 7 months) That was the mail in my coffin and now I feel a weight off me. Everyone told me it will get better and slowly it has. I have been doing alot of DB and a lot less hoping and praying for reconciliation. I think until you realise you just have to let him be and let him sleep in the bed he’s made, it’s going to be alot of pain and hurt and tears. Take care of yourself. Time is definitely your friend. I am starting to get better and for more inspiration check out MA on newcomers who is kicking serious goals. I am far from doing anything perfect nor have I the last few months but it’s almost like I woke up one day and thought “ right this is happening. This isn’t me, this is all him I am not to blame” Everyone mentioned the likelihood of an affair I was adamant there wasn’t but now I am seriously convinced there’s another woman. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t leave the house online is dangerous. For me a telltale sign has been the fact that no sane man would not want to work on problems in a marriage and to at least fix a marriage if there’s a third party involved. Another wise DB told me this. I’m not going snooping or to confirm though because I feel the less I know the better I can also say one cool thing I read today. “One day you will laugh at the fact you cried over him, or cringe. Either way you win”
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
In the beginning each and every one of us is hanging on for dear life, hoping and praying the MLC spouse will make it through and return to us.
It’s perfectly normal to start out hanging on for dear life. One’s world just totally flipped upside down, of course you’re going to hang on. Up is down, left is right, we’re free falling; and we grab on to anything and everything.
Eventually you find ground again. Some is “new” ground, and some is “old” ground. This footing, this foundation, this grounding, provides balance and stability to our new lives.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
I know that shouldn't matter, we need to grow on our own journey, and I get that but I'm emotionally not there yet.
A little wording change for you:
I know I shouldn’t focus on that, we need to grow on our own journey…
Hoping and praying for our lost spouse matters. It should matter. Do not believe otherwise. It’s ok to care and love H. It’s ok to be compassionate towards and about him. We just shift our focus, our life’s focus, off of our spouse and on to ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel or think or believe in them, we just aren’t focused and tied to them in an unhealthy manner is all.
One’s journey towards acceptance has many steps. We all need a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. We all need to traverse our grief in our time as well. Acceptance is basically emotional understanding. It’s quite a journey.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
There is little information about this and I wish there was. I have no idea what to possibly expect to come my way.
I had absolutely no idea of MLC before my XW blew up her life. All I knew about a midlife crisis is the Hollywood version where 50 year old guy buys a sports car. The reality is incredibly horrible. A crisis is no minor thing, these are lost souls consumed within their torment.
Expectations: Keep expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. H’s path is going to take a while. And he is going to miss many many expectations, if you make them. The compounding build up of resentments will slowly erode your love like an acid. Another reason to shift the focus to you.
There is a spectrum of possibilities from expected to wishful, from realistic to fanciful. The one end wishful/fanciful is easily seen as such. We all wish to win the lottery, yet we don’t harbour internal resentment when our 6 numbers don’t come up. We realize “winning” is possible, though highly unlikely. For those that unhealthily move this lottery dream/fantasy towards the expected end of the possibility range, they do resent.
The other end is expectation and a realistic probability of that possibility happening. Life is full of these unrealized expectations. I expect the electricity to be on when I get up. I expect to not fall in the shower, the car to start, the furnace to work, and so on, and so on. These are basically things we have near 100% accuracy/history and faith in happening. When something doesn’t go according to plan/expectation - even an unrealized plan/expectation - we feel resentment. (I worked in the electrical utility and know full well how people react to a power failure of their expected to be on 100% of the time grid. )
We also have a history with our long time, once loving spouse. A self-programmed likelihood of expectation of them and their behaviour. And when their behaviour doesn’t met our default expectations, resentment builds.
In the middle of possibilities is hope. Hope is timeless. It is both, and neither, fantasy and reality. Hope lives within the possibilities. Place a timeline or deadline upon hope and it becomes an expectation. And nothing kills hope like a deadline.
Hope: I hope XW wakes up to her life.
Expectation: I hope XW wakes up to her life within a year.
One year passes, and she is still off running and playing with the sprites and fairies. No reconciliation with her kids. Still lost. Without a deadline one can still hope. With the deadline, and now unmet expectations, resentment creeps in.
Time is the key to resentment and the lack thereof.
Wishing for something is a fantasy. Like before, I wish I’d win the lottery. No time component. If I never win, in my entire life, that wish is still that - a wish. No realistic expectation of outcome.
An expectation places a timeline upon a possibility. Gives it an expiration date.
Hope lay in the middle. It can be an incredible wellspring of fortitude, and can at times be unhealthily ensnaring as well. Hopeful has a lot to do with letting go, proper control, and focusing on self; and letting hope live and breathe on its own. Less grabbing and hanging on for dear life, as counterintuitive as that sounds.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
Sometimes I get that feeling that God pushed the Reset button on us because he knew things were not going in the right direction so he's using all our circumstances to make us go back and revisit and possibly correct. After some time has passed I might be very grateful to Him because He saved our marriage?!
We all revisit lessons until we learn them. Even me.
In my opinion, God’s not pushing the reset button, He is helping you (and H) forward. We all have free will, and God provides opportunities for us. When one prays for strength, God places an opportunity to be strong and find an inner strengthen you didn’t know existed. When one prays to hold a family together, it’s not poof and magic, He provides opportunity for one to enact the very things that foster family togetherness.
God’s opportunities are for us to grow and become. Become who we are supposed to be. That best version of ourselves. And Becoming, doesn’t stop until we draw our last breath.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
D, I'm happy you have found peace in your life and are enjoying your retirement, way to go!
Thank you L4. Yes, my life is peaceful and content. And I am happy.
Not long ago it was not so. I ruminated over the past, and fretted over the future. When one is depressed they are living in the past. When one is anxious they are living in the future. Peace is found living in the present.
It’s is normal, and part of grief, to relive one’s immutable past. One strives to make peace with it and one’s life choices.
We also worry, fear, and fret over the possible future. A future that is thankfully unknown and unwritten. Letting the future unfold as it will fosters a peaceful life. And letting that possible be timeless fosters a hopeful future.
Plan for the future, learn from the past, and live, and love, the present.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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