In Dec ( a week before Christmas) my H dropped a bomb that he thinks he wants to separate. I didn’t even see it coming. I knew we had been both stressed with work and going through a busy time but I thought once christmas came and we relaxed everything would be okay. Boy was I wrong. Married 17 yrs together 20, 2 kids 14 and 12. I was blindsided, cried begged did everything I am not suppose to. Spent Christmas apart, he didn’t come to our family holiday then was away for work. Still remained in the house and was intimate affectionate and apparently was “trying” and wasn’t sure. I persisted to make everything amazing went to counselling made massive changes in myself and thought we were slowly getting through then in in March out of nowhere again he said he wants to move out and separate and he did. Again I probably did everything wrong, I was so sad, then I tried to be so happy and affectionate and welcome him home when he wanted (it’s still his home I still call him my husband) he would come and go come and make dinner bring me coffee hug me etc. I was being torn to pieces by people’s advice.
I think it’s a MLC but who knows. He kept making comments he is old he feels old he is tired he is exhausted. He buried himself in work, has withdrawn socially for the last 12 months and literally plays video games to avoid spending time with me (this has all come to light now as I self reflect). He has changed massively as a person in the last 12 months and I was so busy I didn’t even see it. He’s 48. Needed glasses and procrastinated for. Months before finally getting them.
Anyway I have heard it all from “I don’t love you” to “I don’t think I ever loved you” I don’t want to be married anymore etc. So many hurtful things. He has also had a few times of not being able to “perform” in the bedroom. There is nobody else, he is literally working, going to the gym to get his muscles back because he used to always love having a good body and let it go, and being a dad and doing stuff for the kids.
It’s a month now since he’s gone and I am still so so lost. He’s the love of my life I keep telling him how much I love him. He was never great at opening up but a few weeks ago we had a big deep and meaningful and he said how good it felt. I asked him what’s going on and he said he doesn’t know and he’s not ready to fully call it over as it’s so final and he doesn’t want to make a decision to be done and regret it, but also doesn’t want to make a decision to come home and do the same thing to me. What an absolute mindf&$k. I am trying to be so patient. I have DR book coming today from Amazon. I’ve read Gottman 7 principles I have been continuing with counselling solo (he won’t go).
Recently I had major surgery a week ago and he is always checking in making sure I’m ok wanting to come and help and cook. It’s so many mixed messages. I feel lost and exhausted. I am hanging on and being patient because if I can ride this out to have another 40 years with him it’s worth it. His signs and actions speak of someone who loves me but he says he doesn’t and just likes me as a friend and cares about me. I don’t buy it, I’ve known him since our 20s this isn’t his normal self he would never be this hurtful.
We went through a really rough patch 9yrs ago and I had an affair but he told me he forgave me and we rebuilt and had amazing times and he never once bought it up. Now he brings it up again, he also became a heavy drinker the last 6 months in his reclusive state.
I still feel like I am on a seesaw. When does it start getting better because my mind is still overthinking everything and praying he returns. We went about 10 days no visual contact or crossing paths recently but then I had my surgery and he wanted to see me and be around to help. I don’t know how to navigate this anymore. I know he is going through his own stuff and doesn’t want me a part of his process but it’s still so hard I am petrified another bomb gets dropped and he says we are done for good. He took his wedding ring off the day he moved out. It broke my heart.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/24/2301:25 AM. Reason: Added spaces between paragraphs.
Unfortunately, i can't say anything to help. I'm sorry you're going through this though.
I would say to worry about yourself and your kids, and try not to worry about what he's going through and thinking. It sounds like some kind of MLC. There are great people here that will give you awesome advice. You've come to the right place!
Last edited by Terapin; 04/23/2310:31 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thankyou terapin. I was so anxious to post but I feel that nobody will know what I am going through except others that have gone through it. Family and friends have been great support but it’s almost they don’t understand the pain. I am not ready to give up on him and our marriage. I deep down know he still loves me even though he says otherwise. People think I am silly for holding on to tiny bits of hope and being the only one trying to save my marriage.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thankyou terapin. I was so anxious to post but I feel that nobody will know what I am going through except others that have gone through it. Family and friends have been great support but it’s almost they don’t understand the pain. I am not ready to give up on him and our marriage. I deep down know he still loves me even though he says otherwise. People think I am silly for holding on to tiny bits of hope and being the only one trying to save my marriage.
I don't think you're silly at all. But I do have to say, and just my opinion, you have to prepare for the fact that there may me another woman. Sorry, it [censored]. But ask anyone here. That's usually the case. Nevertheless, it really doesn't make any difference in regards to what you have to do.
Yep, it's amazing how a spouse can flush years down the drain, especially when kids are involved. But unfortunately it's pretty common nowadays.
The good news is, he seems to still legitimately care about you, and isn't completely 'gone'. I wish I could give you more/better advice, but I'm pretty new to this as well. All I can say is, focus on yourself and your kids. If he wants 'out', then he's the loser.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself in your current situation. It is really disorienting having the rug pulled out from under one’s self.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis? It is a wonderful resource. Do realize, to keep it to yourself. Do not tell or share it with H. He will see that as attempting to manipulate him which will most likely push him further away.
I have copied Cadet’s welcoming thread for you reference. There are many links with a wealth of useful information. Lots to read though.
I look forward to talking with you.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thankyou terrapin. I know I have often thought of another person but he has assured me there isn’t ( I know that means nothing). He works from home so never goes out other than at the gym, and is living in a little self contained granny flat above my grandmothers house which is about a 3 minute walk from us. He’s always in sweat pants and doesn’t even dress up so all evidence points to nobody else. I think if there was he would tell me so he could get out and be done. Especially after what I did to him 9 years ago, he certainly had it up his sleeve. He is def conscious of his appearance and the belly weight at 48 when he never used to have a stomach but he fell into self destructing behaviour of just working drinking and not working out, so now he has alot of self hate and low confidence. It really is a shame. I know he used to love when people would compliment him on how well built he was, and maybe not having that anymore jusy isn’t sitting right. It’s almost like my compliments mean nothing to him. I am 41 so I am not sure if my age is now a factor for him and his feelings
This really is a [censored] path. I have the DR coming today to read. I am not sure if I should get the DB on kindle too to read as well. I am fighting like crazy to hang on to him because I feel if I have to put up with this for one year to get another 40 it’s worth it.
Thanks terapin for your input regardless if you’re new at it or not it’s nice to connect with people who know what this is like.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/24/2301:29 AM.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thankyou DnJ. I have DR purchased and coming today from Amazon. I have been reading all the forums and pages for the last week now. And realise I am doing everything wrong constantly. No wonder it hurts every time I tell him I love him and he doesn’t respond and I feel deflated. I’m so worried if I pull away that it’s the wrong move. But I am trying to look after myself, I catch up with friends I was going to work ( right up until my operation) going to the gym a lot of self care but I still can’t shake things from my head, question everything tryi and work out what’s going on. It’s deflating and exhausting I was just wondering if I need to get DB as well. I can get it on kindle to read too x I’m open to anything.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
The Divorce Remedy book is basically the upgraded version of Divorce Busting. DR has more information and wisdom than DB; one of the reasons MWD wrote it.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
It’s a month now since he’s gone and I am still so so lost. He’s the love of my life I keep telling him how much I love him. He was never great at opening up but a few weeks ago we had a big deep and meaningful and he said how good it felt. I asked him what’s going on and he said he doesn’t know and he’s not ready to fully call it over as it’s so final and he doesn’t want to make a decision to be done and regret it, but also doesn’t want to make a decision to come home and do the same thing to me.
Something to realize. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Currently, H is on his path, and you were not invited along.
H is in emotional turmoil. He displays confusion, and doesn’t know which way to turn or what to do.
You need to step back. Give him time and space. And plenty of both. He absolutely needs time and space to sort out his emotional issue(s).
Pleading, saying “I love you”, will push him right out the door. H’s emotions are cranked to eleven. He is saturated with feelings and pressures. He simply cannot handle you or anyone else’s feelings right now.
Do not have relationship talks with H, or pressure him for answers or decisions. Either of those will propel him in the opposite direction.
You focus on you and your kids. You work towards detachment. You live your life.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I was being torn to pieces by people’s advice.
Family and friends are well meaning and do not want to see you hurting. As such, they often advise of strategies and paths that they feel are quick fixes. However, if one has never walked this path before, it is difficult to know how the shoes are.
This place’s strength comes from the posters. They are kind compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom. There are folks that are just starting out, to vets that are decades down the path, and everything in between.
Divorce busting is a counterintuitive journey; especially at the beginning. Lots of the advice and suggestions will likely seem to be wrong to you; it will feel like the wrong thing to do. Seeing the rationale, the why of it, does help. And after a while you more live these principles and the counter-intuitiveness melts away.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
Recently I had major surgery a week ago and he is always checking in making sure I’m ok wanting to come and help and cook. It’s so many mixed messages. I feel lost and exhausted. I am hanging on and being patient because if I can ride this out to have another 40 years with him it’s worth it. His signs and actions speak of someone who loves me but he says he doesn’t and just likes me as a friend and cares about me. I don’t buy it, I’ve known him since our 20s this isn’t his normal self he would never be this hurtful.
People in crisis or turmoil do become the opposite of who they once were. I suspect H will exhibit this “new” persona for a time. I do pray that this not MLC, for that is a truly horrible thing.
A midlife transition, or crisis, is a journey. Once a person starts along their path they need to walk the entire thing. Attempts to speed them up, at best will be neutral, most likely will delays them, and at worse will stall them right out.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I am fighting like crazy to hang on to him because I feel if I have to put up with this for one year to get another 40 it’s worth it.
This will take as long as is takes. It most likely will be longer than one year.
Don’t fret. You’ve been given a gift. The gift of time. Use it wisely.
Stop fighting to hang on. The more you hang on, the more he will want to push away. There is a thread that explains the pursuit and distance dynamic of this (see link in welcome post).
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I’m so worried if I pull away that it’s the wrong move.
Pretty counterintuitive, isn’t it?
You are not pulling away. You just don’t pursue. There is a difference.
We’ve all heard, if you love something set it free. Well, this is the time.
You absolutely can stand for your marriage, and hope for reconciliation. Embracing divorce busting principles will give you the best chance at saving your marriage.
While doing that. Get a life. Focus on you. Move forward.
The big thing here is moving, not getting stuck. You live and love your life. Move forward is not moving on. And standing is not standing still.
Detachment, is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Hang in there P. It does get better.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I too hope it isn’t a MLC and just a case of life was [censored] and something needed to change to work himself and his feelings out. It certainly is tough to navigate. So I don’t pull away but I detach. Do I let him come in and out of the house to bring me coffee and help with the kids and even cook dinner or is that a bit of “best of both worlds?” I need to keep re reading the detachment side of things. I want to be there and support him but I also don’t want to be dragged down by whatever his issues are right now. I don’t even think he knows. And I don’t even know if he is just doing this to “let me down slowly” it’s so hard to get anything deep out of him. Why keep coming around and seeing me and trying to help and hug me. He said it’s because he cares but I don’t buy it. There’s love there deep down there’s something I think that’s a very valid point to not speak about anything heavy either. I have a lot of reading to do. It’s hard because he’s been gone for the house for a month and nothing feels easier. He told me on Dec he “thinks” he wants to separate and doesn’t love me and still nothing has healed. I kinda get the feeling he has set his mind to this and just wants to see it throufh because he has made up his mind and thinks it’s right I’ve known him all my life I know in my heart there is still love there just buried by emotions and whatever else is going on.it’s so hard to understand why he can’t see it and why he doesn’t want to let himself feel again. I did tell him if we are over for good then this is not how it stays I can’t have him in my life because I will need to stop loving him. This was when he left, I feel like all I do is break the rules. It’s so hard I never feel like it gets easier. My DR book just arrived so I will dive into that tonight. I really need to work on detaching how hard is it to detach from your soulmate
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I know I can’t explain or make sense what he’s going through but he keeps mentioning what I did 9 years ago and the affair I had in my 30s. He never bought it up for a long time we went to counselling I hated the person I was back then so immature so Irrational and always silently punish myself for it every single day but now he’s dredged back up, like he doesn’t forgive me all over again, almost like he regrets he gave it another shot because if he walked away then like he said he wanted to he wouldn’t be here now. It hurts me so much, I don’t know what to do to ease this pain for him I am prepared to do anything to heal his trauma and move forward. I can’t change what I did, but I am a very different person now in my early 40s to who I was then when our marriage got Rocky and I decided to seek comfort elsewhere. I will forever hate myself for it but I am just so distraught that this is what’s coming up again now as why we are over. I don’t know if he’s just clouded by his own emotion or what. I am such a better person now. I am changing myself daily for the better even during this time I still seek counselling to be w better person. Maybe he just needs time to se e the proof. I don’t know Maybe I am kidding myself and it is over
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
