Ok looking for some input while I’m away having a great time with D. I am listening to you and taking action to be strong. This is really difficult to know how to respond to W in spite of my emotions.
I want to avoid the friend zone. W has accused me of tracking her, putting a tracker on her car and stalking her. I’m not doing any of that and I’m not snooping. She has given me plenty of info to not trust her, I don’t need to go looking for any more.
I have discovered that what I am doing is not working in that I don’t feel any closer to saving my M.On the other hand, many things I am doing are working in that I am much healthier, have closer relationships with my kids and friends, and I’m taking great care of my home and responsibilities.
It’s easy. You don’t. The wolf doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of the sheep. You’ve been trying to nice your stbxw back for many months now. It isn’t working and will never work. If you were out living your own best life you would never be having these types of exchanges. Time to take your power back and show her a man she’s not expecting.
Ok looking for some input while I’m away having a great time with D. I am listening to you and taking action to be strong. This is really difficult to know how to respond to W in spite of my emotions.
Good morning Rockon, your a lucky man to be surrounded by family and be able to go on trips with them. You only had one sentence about your trip before going down the W rabbit hole. Your trip with your D would be something to share. What kind of memories were made. Tell us about you GAL. If you had to name one thing you did on this weekend, that was the best part of it. What was that?
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Boat is 100% correct. You’re still trying to be Mr Nice Guy. And you’re having too much contact.
She’s a cheat atm. Why would you worry what she thinks?
YOU CAN NOT NICE HER BACK. GAL isn’t about being a busy person to show them you’ve changed so they want you back. GAL is so that you learn to put yourself first and become busy, happy and content.
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So how to respond to W’s allegations of tracking.
You don’t. Completely ignore it. And if she brings it up again in a direct conversation and asks if you’re stalking:
A: “I’m too lazy to bother stalking any one 🤷♂️ But I guarantee if I could be bothered doing it, you’d be the last person I’d choose 🤣
And then leave to definitively end the interaction. Like a strong, attractive man.
Took D and her friend out of town and up into the mountains for a ski trip. Great food and lots of recreation with fantastic weather. Hanging out together with friends who are happy to see us feels great too! Also all my other kids have called me and had great phone convos with me.
So I recognize that I have more anger to deal with and it’s very important that I get healthy and stay safe with it. To be honest, I still get very dysregulated emotionally and encounter feeling very out of control and impulsive. I am working On it in IC, etc but it still feels like a mountain.
I think you have to ask yourself what is she trying to accomplish here - is she trying to create drama with you, or is someone really tracking and stalking her?
I think a simple:
"If someone is tracking and stalking you, for your own safety, call the police and report it."
Here's why I like this response:
1. You aren't refuting or defending yourself, but obviously if you were the stalker you would hardly be the one to tell her to call the police. I think the really powerful unspoken message is, I'm confident and I don't have to prove it to you or anyone else. That commands respect.
2. If she's looking for drama you just poured water on the fire, whereas adding snark to the equation fans the flames AND gives her a reason to call you an @$$hole so she can continue justifying her BS. I don't know about you, but I have a constitutional dislike of giving someone what they want in a situation like this one.
3. As her husband, you've protected her for years. This simple sentence tells her she's on her own to protect herself. Bet she's not gonna like that one little bit.
Give her what she wants, in terms of the consequences of being a single woman.
She needs to know that if she's a single woman, things like tracking and stalking are her problems to resolve, not yours, and she needs to figure that part out without you telling her so explicitly.
That simple sentence will make her head explode more than any snarky comment ever would. You've validated or at least not told her she's crazy and making something up. You've shown you have nothing to hide or fear from police investigation. You've shown you don't really care to help her solve this if it's a real issue.
That, my friend, is the kind of confidence you want to project to gain a woman's respect.
Last edited by bttrfly; 03/19/2303:46 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So I recognize that I have more anger to deal with and it’s very important that I get healthy and stay safe with it. To be honest, I still get very dysregulated emotionally and encounter feeling very out of control and impulsive. I am working On it in IC, etc but it still feels like a mountain.
This mountain getaway is very good for me.
I’m reading a book called six pillars of self-esteem but I’m not just reading it. I’m also doing the work exercises in it on a daily basis. it’ll probably take me 6 to 7 months to get through it with the work exercises. the key is to doing it consistently because self-esteem isn’t learned just by doing it here and there. It Has to be done consistently throughout your life, I think it would be really good for you to read this book to help you manage your emotions and where you’re at with your anger and how you feel about yourself and where you want to be. Also bring up what you’re learning from reading the book with your IC. I do i my IC session and they are much more effective. I’m learning that my self-esteem in some areas is stellar and then I’m also learning in other areas. It’s very low tells you where you are at andwhere you need to work on things it’s very eye-opening to me.
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
Cut off all contact with OM. W and I tell OM this clearly. All mementos and photos of their R destroyed. W engage with IC to understand why the A and prevent future recurrence. W and I talk about the A with support of MC for the purpose of our individual and shared healing. W shows that she will listen to me and care about my pain and the damage to our M and family. No secrets. W do what it takes to reassure me that A is over and she is faithful to me and our vows. Trust, honesty and accountability in our R measured by each spouse feeling cared for, loved, valued and respected by each other. We prioritize our R over our kids. We make sex a priority. We listen to and support each other’s hopes, goals, dreams. We learn what each of us wants in our new M and determine not to go back to how it was.
She's left. She's living somewhere else. Your list of conditions for her return is irrelevant. I'm sorry. You're still trying to control this.
You can't.
Stop wasting your time.
Stop putting nails in the coffin of any possible recon down the road.
Accept that she is living somewhere else.
Accept that your marriage, as it was, is over.
Why, Rock, do you continue to give this woman control?
Stop it.
Focus on your kids.
Figure out why you're so co-dependent in relationships.
Heal that part of yourself.
That's the only way you're going to have a shot down the road of maybe having a new marriage with your current spouse.
The only thing I was sure of at my BD was that I personally had zero interest in being married to someone who didn't want to be married to me, and I said that within the first five minutes of his telling me he wanted a divorce.
It did not mean I wanted a divorce. I wanted my marriage to heal and certainly be different than it had been. But, man, there's no way I wanted to sign up for a lifetime of fighting to be with someone who did not want to be with me.
He did not expect the response he got from me at BD. It took the wind out of his sails, quite a bit.
You aren't taking any wind out of her sails.
You're constantly validating why she left, every single time you engage with her the same old way.
For the sake of yourself and any hope you have of a recon down the road, STOP IT.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So I recognize that I have more anger to deal with and it’s very important that I get healthy and stay safe with it. To be honest, I still get very dysregulated emotionally and encounter feeling very out of control and impulsive. I am working On it in IC, etc but it still feels like a mountain.
This mountain getaway is very good for me.
get a speedbag or heavy bag and punch it out.
every time you get that feeling, work out.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
