I suppose I need to figure out exactly what I'm going to say and do on the chance that he approaches me tomorrow night stating that he wants to be with me and still maintain a relationship with the OW.
That seems to be my biggest fear of whatever might come out of this conversation.
Last edited by Rejoice; 03/15/2309:35 PM.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
I think it’s important all the veterans like cadet, Steve, DNJ, bttrfly, R2C weigh in on this before you make any moves.
My simple advice is this - you need to make it very clear that he has to work to get you back. The worst thing you can do is show him that you’re sitting there waiting, because the instant he knows that he also knows he can still f around with OW in the background.
I’d pitch it to him as his last chance, with strict conditions.
My simple advice is this - you need to make it very clear that he has to work to get you back. The worst thing you can do is show him that you’re sitting there waiting, because the instant he knows that he also knows he can still f around with OW in the background.
My first thoughts are that it is highly unlikely that he will
Originally Posted by Rejoice
approaches me tomorrow night stating that he wants to be with me and still maintain a relationship with the OW.
If he does you do not want to be in a three person relationship.
You need to have strong boundaries and absolutely do not want to be his back up plan.
If you need to not fight with him then just validate what he says, I understand you want whatever he says. And then walk away from the conversation.
One of the most powerful things the newbies can do is think about other posters sitch and use logic to give them sound advise. There is no emotional attachment. It then comes back to help you in your own sitch.
How many times do you think I have thought about other peoples sitch, then be able recognize it in my life and respond much better than I would if I just did what I felt like?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He is not willing to discuss or be clear about anything until we are in person, probably tomorrow night depending on the weather.
Until you are firmly into piecing, do not reveal your cards.
You should have a clearly defined list of non-negotiables. You do not share this list with H. He has to come up with them on his own. Most likely, it will come up short. You let him know "That is not good enough". You do not tell him which are good and which are not or which are missing. MAKE HIM WORK FOR YOU. Softly reject him. Be sexy and confident.
You should have a mind set that you are really enjoying your new freedom. You are not sure you want to take him back, but you are willing to listen. There is a fine art to this.
As far as talking in person, I would be gone. Dinner, or the movies or some other activity. Make him work for you.
When you do have R talk (which he initiates) , your job is to STFU, be present and listen and be skeptical of everything. Let him prove his words with his actions and behavior.
I wish you well. Do not let fear control you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry, edit. Speech to text and I didn't catch it right away.
He told me yesterday that he wants to try to work things out, and that we need to talk when he gets home from his trip. We've had several long phone conversations. However, he has not told me whether or not he plans to cut off the affair.
So that is not promising.
Some people would say as long as their spouse is fooling around, they are not interested in working things out.
Other people would say, "You know what? I'm ok being part of a three way relationship. I'm ok waiting this out regardless of what other people think."
Still other people would have yet a completely different take on this situation. There are as many people as there are opinions.
The worst thing anyone can do, IMHO, is to take a survey. So what do you do instead?
Don't worry about anything or anyone else's opinions, mine included.
Figure out what YOU want.
Meditate.
Pray for guidance.
Sit quietly, trusting that the answers will come.
Then act accordingly.
You need to be completely true to yourself, AS YOU ARE TODAY, and when it's time to take any action do so FREE FROM FEAR.
What do I mean, AS YOU ARE TODAY: * grief changes you * betrayal changes you and the dynamic of your relationship * you know who you were when you were single * you know who you were in your marriage * figure out who you are NOW, post BD
THE ONLY WAY to figure that out is to put in the work: quiet, peace, prayer/meditation.
Deep work which requires time, effort and patience.
I strongly suggest you read the archives and study the women who posted here: Sotto, Cat04, Grace, Rosalinda, to name a very few.
Read and keep re-reading the DR MLC chapter, if you think that an MLC is what's going on with your husband.
DO understand that he is not on your team at the moment, so treat him accordingly. What do I mean:
* Don't play games - don't be deliberately vague to make him jealous. That's baby stuff and stupid. He doesn't need to know any details about where you're going or who you're having dinner with if you're going out, but keep it vague because he's no longer in the circle of trust. Don't keep it vague because you're hoping for a reaction; that will come back and bite you in the @$$ every time.
* Snarky may feel good in the moment, but doesn't necessarily further your goals. In other words - don't get into a race to the bottom. Does anyone really want to win a race to the bottom? If you're in that race, and you win, what have you actually gained? My experience is it's much better to be kind, compassionate, yet firm and no-nonsense, striving to always take the high road.
Plus, bonus points because it infuriates the hell out of the spouse - hey I'm no saint - I said striving to take the high road. We're allowed to enjoy watching them squirm from time to time, given what we're put through.
That aside, by taking the high road you will get respect. They may not show it or say it in the moment, but trust me, you will get validation on this down the road. It's never ever wrong to take the high road while refusing to be a Persian carpet for someone to wipe their dirty shoes on as they walk all over you towards the door, or try to turn the door into a revolving one.
* DO understand that it's ok to listen, validate and respond with, "Thank you for talking with me about where you're at. I'm not ready to respond yet, as you've given me a lot to process and think about. I'll let you know when I've thought about this some more." Wash, rinse and repeat that as often as necessary ... see my next point.
* DO not be pushed into a conversation that could be detrimental to your end goal, BUT before you can even know what your end goal is YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT and WHAT YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES/DEALBREAKERS ARE.
* DO be honest, but non-committal until you know what you want.
* DO treat him like you'd treat a nosy co-worker who wants access to more information about your personal life than they have a right to know. Be polite, but you owe zero explanations that you don't want to give. This is hard to do if you don't know what your personal boundaries are. How can you uphold them if you haven't spent time really working on knowing what those boundaries are?
* DO understand that you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, is as honest, loyal and loving as you are. Is that your husband? Is he capable of that level of accountability, selflessness, honesty and loyalty? Does that remain to be seen? If he's truly in a MLC, it takes much longer than a few weeks or months to come out of that, with or without another party in the mix.
But most importantly, do YOUR work. In my experience, it took months to get my mind and heart to really separate myself mentally from my marriage, my husband, my family so that I was just me, Bttrfly, envisioning my life moving forward, what my core values were post BD, how I wanted to embody them regardless of the outcome of my marriage, what kind of relationships I wanted with friends, family, co-workers, even strangers. By doing that work, and doing it with vigilance and dedication, the rest became crystal clear.
This is the real work, and within that work are the real answers to any newcomers' questions.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
One of the most powerful things the newbies can do is think about other posters sitch and use logic to give them sound advise. There is no emotional attachment. It then comes back to help you in your own sitch.
How many times do you think I have thought about other peoples sitch, then be able recognize it in my life and respond much better than I would if I just did what I felt like?
Reviewing others' situations is important, but DB is counter-intuitive.
You cannot simply learn how to DB without being challenged along the way by people who have come before, earned their stripes and are willing to help.
Over the past 6 months at least, if not longer, I've watched vets challenge posters, only to be told they were too harsh, or not to post on their threads any more, or whining about where's the safe space, or the worst yet - dumping and running.
You don't learn a darn thing when you're in retreat.
You learn when you're challenged.
You learn when you dig in and really look at your own part in your marriage, your behaviors, your attitudes, your responsibilities.
Anything else is theoretical and frankly, doesn't lead to the kind of growth that changes you from the person you were when your spouse BD'd you, or when you first got here.
Without change, your spouse has no reason to come back.
Why would anyone come back to what they already left behind?
Where would anyone here be if there were no vets who had tried and true experience to impart?
We've been finding that out lately, haven't we, to the community's detriment.
When someone isn't valued, they aren't likely to stay.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I cannot thank everyone here enough for the advice. I just don't have the words to express how wonderful you all are. Some of the things said are difficult to hear, but they are all right on. H is en route back home right now. He has said that we will speak on our relationship either tonight or tomorrow. I will update.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
He has said that we will speak on our relationship either tonight or tomorrow. I will update.
I am not looking for answers to these questions, but for you to think about.
How many choices on how you (Rejoice) respond to this? How would you normally respond while you were married? Before you were married? When you were single? Now? How many options that you have not considered?
I recommend being gone...that could be the completely wrong solution for you, but the perfect response for someone else. Or the other way around. We do not know. You just have to evaluate all of your choices, make a choice and live with the consequences of that choice, good or bad. You can then evaluate the effectiveness of that choice and use that as part of your decision making process in the future.
Trusting your gut feeling helps.
Ask yourself this: Is what I am about to do or say going to bring us closer together or push us farther apart? What is my goal?
I would have an exit plan.
H: I want to R talk now. W: Okay. I have about 10 minutes. I have plans to meetup with friends and need to leave at 5:45 (or whatever).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
